Logan Prays for Death

A Pointless and Silly X-Men Fic

© S.D.Green, 2000, except for what's not.

By Princess Artemis

Be warned: author knows X-Men only through the movie and some small amount further…like general knowledge about more 'starring' characters.

Be thee also warned: Logan's life pretty much sucks…but it's all in fun; too many shippers spoil the soup ;)

Logan sat dejectedly, with his head resting on the table and a decidedly depressed slump to his shoulders. He was contemplating the one claw he had extended and pointed in the general direction of his face with a sullen expression. He hadn't even bothered to spike his hair in his customary manner. All in all, he was the picture of defeat.

It can't hurt that bad…not as bad as…that… he thought with a slight shudder.

"As bad as what, Logan?" Jean Gray asked as she sat down across from him with a plate piled with salad. She took a big bite.

Logan cringed, sensitive hearing assaulted by the sounds of iceberg lettuce being crushed between teeth. "Nuthin'" he muttered, then went back to considering his adamantium claw. Nice and sharp…probably get the job done quick and painless…

"What job?" Jean interrupted again, mouth full of salad. Logan winced at the smacking of dressing and half-chewed lettuce.

The dark-haired man gave her a patented Wolverine™ scowl before returning his gaze to his claw. "What do you care, you're part of it…," he replied without his usual heat.

Jean frowned thoughtfully, all the while loudly crunching her salad. Then Scott sat down next to her and planted a peck on her cheek. He started in on his chicken sandwich, and only when he was halfway through did he notice Logan hadn't tried to kill him yet. Clearly, something was wrong.

"What's wrong, Logan?" Scott asked carefully.

"Nuthin', dammit," he grumbled in response, inching his hand closer until the razor sharp tip was barely a millimeter from his nose.

Scott cocked an eyebrow. "Picking your nose, Logan?" he asked, his voice annoyingly Scott-like.

Too despondent to really take the bait, Logan just muttered some obscenity. He's part of it too…That alone is reason enough to end it all…

Just then, Rogue sat down next to Logan and bumped his elbow with hers, startling him. Of course, to startle Logan was to take one's life in one's hands. He fairly leapt out of his seat, waving his arms in surprise; then, with all six claws ready he crouched defensively and gave Rogue a singularly threatened look. "Don't you even touch me! You're the worst of the lot!"

While Rogue pouted theatrically, Jubilee took that moment to walk up next to the beleaguered Wolverine, snapping her gum. Logan spun around and growled like a cornered animal. "You too! Just stay away!" He started backing away, jumping at every movement or even imagined move on the other mutants' parts. As soon as he felt he was at a safe distance from all of his assailants, he bolted out of the dining room.

"What's up with him?" Jubilee asked of no one in particular.

Finally finding an unoccupied hallway, Logan settled down in a comfy couch that just happened to be there. After several long minutes of watching the hallway intently, every sense heightened to the maximum, he finally relaxed when it seemed apparent no one was going to jump him and try to have their way with him.

He shifted around until his feet were on the arm of the couch, and he slowly extended his index claw and looked at it. Would it really hurt that much if he just shoved it up his nose? He couldn't think of any other way to kill himself that would actually work…and he was certain he'd done more painful things to himself before.

The reason he contemplated such a drastic move was that ever since he had come to the God-forsaken mutant school, nigh onto every female held within the halls had gone into heat or something similar. He couldn't think of even one that didn't try to seduce him in one way or another. Normally, this would not be an issue, and he knew men who would kill to be in his shoes.

The problem was the women themselves.

One was spoken for. Several were jail-bait, one of which he was not creative enough to come up with a way to give her what she wanted without ending up six-feet under himself…and he wasn't that desperate. Another might turn him into a super-conductor.

And it wasn't just the women either. Death had to be better than worrying about whether or not Scott was undressing him with his eye.

It was like he was stuck in a drooling fangirl nightmare. That was no way for any self-respecting man to live. He had some sense of honor for crying out loud…

Decision made, Logan retracted his claw and positioned his fist just so under his nose. Just a quick 'snikt' and…

…Was that someone…purring…behind him?

Cautiously, Logan looked up. Rogue looked down at him with a sultry pout, her intentions clear as crystal.

"YEEEAGGH!" Logan screamed, leaping to his feet and running as fast as he could down the hall. He didn't even bother looking behind him.

110 pounds of rabid teenaged hormonal angst barreled into him with great speed, enough to knock him to the ground. Logan scrambled to get up, but he had forgotten how strong the little hussy was!

"Ah come ahn, Logan, you know you wahnt meh," Rogue whispered in his ear, voice dripping seduction.

The only response she got was a frightened growl and more frantic escape attempts. Logan kept thinking help me! as loud as he could in an attempt to get someone, anyone, to peel Rogue off of him. He even dug his claws into the floor and tried to pull himself forward, but all he ended up doing was gouging out huge chunks of hardwood paneling.

When Rogue managed to force him on his back and began groping him, he started getting scared. "Look, Marie," he said, holding up his clawed hands in a pleading manner, "this just isn't happening…"

"And exactly why not?" Rogue asked slowly. "Don't ya lahk me?" She leaned in close, and it was all Logan could do to avoid choking on pheromones.

"It…uh…," he answered, flustered by all the scents and his unavoidable response to being groped by a beautiful woman. No! Girl! he mentally corrected himself. "You're 16, dammit! Get off me!" he growled, glaring at her.

Much to his dismay, growling and glaring appeared to make the situation worse, not better. Rogue didn't look like she was going anywhere anytime soon. Getting desperate, Logan offered, "Do you really want to kill me for this? Is it worth it?"

"But what a nice way tah die, don't you think so?"

A pause.


Salvation arrived in the form of Jean Gray, who with a deft flick of her telekinetic power, managed to pry Rogue loose, allowing Logan to scramble to his feet. He straightened his jacket, pulled in his claws, and opened his mouth to thank Jean…but he stopped short.

Jean looked at him with, if anything, a lustier expression than Rogue had. She licked her lips in a decidedly non-subtle way as she telekinetically tossed a roaring mad Rogue through a window. Logan blinked twice, then his claws snapped out in defense.

Jean just smirked. "Don't get premature on me, sexy…."

"Oh dear God." He ran like the hounds of Hell were at his heels.

He ran for a bit, and, for just a second, Logan thought he had escaped this new harpy's well-manicured clutches. But then he just stopped…unable to move forward…then he felt himself being dragged slowly yet inexorably backwards. Oh no…that's right…she's telekinetic…crap….

Doorframes were rendered into splinters as Logan passed, trying to grab hold of them with all his might, but his claws were just too damned sharp to catch. When there were no more frames to latch onto, he started for the floor, but again, even with his claws jammed straight down, all he managed to do was carve six deep, parallel lines in the wood. Why me? Why does it have to be me?

Soon he was at Jean's feet. He felt her power pick him up so he was standing, but she didn't let him move. She circled around him like a hungry predator. Then, to his horror, she started to move him. Not just move, move, but actually forcing him to touch her. This was not good. This was so not good.

"Uh…," Logan started, then cleared his throat, watching his own hands tread on private property. "Uh…er…isn't it, um, against the, er, rules to use your powers…uh…against another mutant?"

"Aww," she pouted, "this isn't using my powers against you. This is using them…" suddenly he was pressed right up against her, "with you." She started kissing him rather passionately, and try as he might, he couldn't stop himself from returning it.

Damn. Now I can't even shout rape…

Just then, Scott shouted from down the hall, "What are you doing?!" Jean let go of her telekinetic manipulation, and Logan pushed her away, never in his life so glad to hear Cyclops' uptight and whiny voice. "Hands off my property!"

Logan held up his hands and said, "Now Scott, it's not what you…think…," but his voice trailed off when he realized Scott wasn't pointing his one-eyed glare at him, but rather, at Jean. He looked over at Scott, watching him walk up, while still keeping an eye on the grumbling and upset Jean.

All of his animal instincts went on high alert when he saw Scott give him a sly smile then turn to glare at his girlfriend. Logan's hackles stood on end as Scott sidled up next to him. Jean gave Scott a murderous look…

And then…


It was too much.

Just too damned much.

Scott copped a feel.

Professor Charles Xavier awkwardly patted Logan on the back, who was currently sobbing hysterically on his lap. The good Professor had never seen the normally gruff Canadian so shook up, but not wanting to pry, he let him tell the story on his own terms.

"And…*sob*…and then…*sob*…she tried to…*sob*…."

"It's OK Logan, I'm sure what ever it is we can find a solution."

Logan tried to calm his voice. "B…but…*sniff*…Scott…he…he touched me…."

"Ahh," Professor X. sighed. "I understand now." A roguish, brooding, attractive man, finding himself somehow on every hot-blooded human's radar as a possible love interest. Animal magnetism at its worst. He had seen this all too many times.

"Logan, let me show you something," Xavier said softly.

The besieged and bothered man stood up rather suddenly. He looked down at the Professor with a near-blank expression. The older man laughed easily and said, "No, no, Logan. Not that." The mutant visibly relaxed. "I mean another place I've built to protect people such as yourself."

Logan shrugged slightly, hoping that Professor Xavier really had a safe-house, somewhere where the love-starved freaks that populated his school would not be able to get into.

"Follow me, Logan," Xavier said as he drove his wheelchair out into the hallway. Logan stooped over, trying to hide behind the professor, since all three mutants who had been hounding him were in a three-way knock-down drag-out in the hall. Hair was being pulled, obscenities hurled…all in all, very ugly.

Just as they were about to step out the front door, Jubilee came up from the Logan-side of Professor X. "Hi Wolvie!" she shouted gleefully. When Logan looked up at her in fear, she bent down and pecked him on the cheek. "You look really scrumptious today Wolvie, rawrrr." She proceeded to wink and pinch Logan's behind.

He didn't even respond, just looked up at Professor X. with a despairing look on his face.

Xavier nodded, pity in his eyes. Then he silently rolled forward, and the still-hunched over Logan stumbled along with him. Just as they made it out the door, Jubilee wolf-whistled, but decided not to fling herself on Logan, much to his eternal relief. The other three harassers were still locked in combat.

Not long after they exited the school, Logan and Xavier took a turn down a secret passageway that the telepath explained he kept shrouded in mystery. Shortly, they arrived at a nice building with high walls.

"This is the Xavier Home for the Criminally Attractive, where people such as yourself can find refuge from fangirls, shippers, and various other persons unable to control their carnal desires." Professor Xavier pressed a button on his motorized wheelchair and the gate opened. "There are triple-redundant anti-fangirl barriers and various other impenetrable defenses." He pointed off to the left, in the direction of a small antenna-like device. "That is a hormone level detector. It stuns anyone and anything behaving in a hormonally-charged manner. And this," he continued, "is our pride and joy, the MSD laser. It can vaporize a Mary Sue at one hundred paces."

Logan nodded, impressed. "Not bad."

They continued through the gate, and Logan was surprised to see several other people inside the courtyard. "Who are these people?" he asked.

Xavier explained, "These are beings just like yourself, abnormally attractive people seeking refuge from those who cannot control their carnal desires." He began introducing the residents to Logan; there was a Fox Mulder, Walter Skinner, Vincent Valentine, Squall Leonhart, Mr. Spock, several people with big hair and tiny noses that spoke Japanese, and various and sundry other brooding / handsome / demonic / animalistic / mutant / magical / possessing of deep dark secrets / etc., etc., persons.

Logan looked back to the professor and asked, "So I'll be safe here?" He needed reassurance.

"Yes, totally safe, as long as you stay within these walls," Xavier explained. "Outside, I can't help you. Consider this a refuge; you don't have to stay here, but if you feel you need a break from the constant demands placed upon you, come and rest a while."

"Thanks…I think I will."

"Good man. Now if you'll excuse me." With that, Professor X. rolled away, leaving Logan to explore the hidden mansion….

With a start, Logan shot up, breathing hard from what had turned out to be nothing but a nightmare. He sighed extravagantly, relieved beyond all reckoning that the 'drooling fangirl nightmare' was just that.

He decided a good stretch was in order, just to drive the rest of that horrid, horrid dream out of his head. So he did quite a thorough job indeed. Just as he was about to lay back down and sleep, he heard something.


He sniffed the air…fear descended on him like a hawk. They were here…

"I let you have that nice dream after you fainted…I guess Scott feeling you up was too much for you," Jean purred. Logan snapped a wide-eyed look in her direction, horrified to see she wasn't alone. Jean, Rogue, Jubilee, Scott, Toad…


The aforementioned green mutant licked his lips.


Logan's terrified screams were heard for miles.

The End