Disclaimer: Do I look like I own these wonderful brothers? Nope! I'm just borrowing with the intent on returning…..though I never said for how long I'd borrow.
A.N: Once more AWESOME episode, go watch if you haven't yet! This idea just hit me. Smack in the face! Just thinking and a conversation popped up in my head btw the brothers after the credits roll. So I had to write this and this is where it went.
This is a companion piece to Not a Hopeless Cause, though you don't need to read that to understand that. Just a piece here that was alluded to in that story so you see my thoughts on the subject coming through.
Summary: Tag to 6.12-Like a Virgin. Sam and Dean talk after the eppies end. Will Sam be able to move past the most important revelation about him when he was soulless?
There was a heavy, considerate silence after the news of the newest supernatural baddie they would have to face made itself known.
Mother of all supernatural beings.
It was a daunting thought, to be sure.
"Well, there isn't much more we can do tonight, that's for sure", Bobby finally spoke up breaking all from their own thoughts.
Sam gave a small smile and Dean just nodded absently.
Bobby carefully closed the book, "We should turn in and figure out what we are having to eat for dinner tonight."
Dean stood up, clapping his hands together. "Me and Sam will go get something. We aren't in mood for you surprise tonight. Besides it's kinda time to celebrate, you know."
Bobby snorted, "Whatever. I'm not in the mood to hear your comments about my surprise either."
"Great! It's settled then!" Dean gave a cheeky grin, that had Sam chuckling under his breath.
Bobby glanced at Sam, finding it far easier to look at him then before. They had talked earlier when the duo got back from that weird dragon case. He was still having a hard time with that one, but though it would take more time for Bobby to fully come around at least they were on the right track.
Sam gave a nod and stood, "Yeah, pizza or something. I could go for that."
Dean near jumped on Sam, making Sam jump back. "What? What!" Sam cried as Dean grabbed his forearms. He lifted one hand and pressed it on his younger sibling's forehead.
Dean got a doctor type look, making Sam glower at him, "Hmm, well, I feel no fever", he murmured moving his hand to the side to Sam's face, "Don't seem that hot..."
Bobby gave a bark of laughter as Sam slapped Dean's hand away and batted him away from him as well. He glowered harder if that was possible before stalking out the back door.
Dean shrugged at Bobby innocently as he proceeded to back himself to the door, "I had to check you know."
"Maybe holy water would be useful in this case", Bobby spoke his mouth continually twitching.
Dean gave thumbs up as he left as well.
"You're a piece of work, you know that?" Sam asked from where he was waiting outside the door, on the porch, as Dean came out.
"As are you", was Dean's retort.
"So, I feel in the mood for pizza."
Dean gave a mock gasp as they walked to the Impala, "With all the carbs and dripping cheese and questionable meat? Really, Sam, really?" He ducked into the car, into the familiarity of the driver's seat.
Sam slid into the passenger's seat, "Shut up….."
Dean just chuckled as he started the car.
They had been riding for almost ten minutes and it was pretty silent even with the music, that for once was turned down, was playing. It was a twenty minute drive into town and then finding some food and then returning. Dean glanced at Sam, who was looking out the window at the scenery passing by, a little unease with the silence.
Dean cleared his throat and found himself breaking the silence, "Hey, you okay?" he asked glancing at Sam.
Sam said nothing.
"Sam?" Dean asked worry seeping into his voice.
Finally it elicited a sigh, "I'm fine, Dean."
More silence until finally...
"Whatcha doing?" Dean asked a little sing-song-y, the worry in his voice, no less prominent.
A pause. "I'm thinking."
"Oh, God, that's dangerous." Dean moaned goodnaturely.
Sam chuckled once, glancing over at Dean before returning to his window.
A another long silence. Dean made a funny noise breaking it, proof of his growing nervousness. "So..." he drawled.
It was a moment, before Dean couldn't take it anymore. "Come on, what are you thinking about?" Dean asked becoming highly uncomfortable as time went on.
"Just…?" Dean prompted after Sam hadn't continued. He glanced over at him again.
Sam swallowed and sighed again, "Just…..just everything I probably did. Making a mental list. Seeing how naughty I've been." Sam chuckled darkly at his own joke.
"Sam…." Dean groaned not sharing the joke.
He was gonna kill Cas next time he saw him.
But then again maybe Castiel did him a favor and did what Dean couldn't do. But like Dean would admit those traitorous thoughts. He didn't want his brother to suffer and know what happened yet at the same time this was his brother and yea, he deserved to know, like Dean would in his shoes. But like he'd admit this easily.
Yeah, killing the angel seemed a better and far easier option.
He'd just have to find a angel killing blade again. They were scarce it seems. Dean was jarred out of this thoughts of the angel's death by his brother speaking.
"No, Dean….I've probably done some….some...", Sam gave a ragged sigh, "Horrible doesn't even began to describe it things. Probably unforgivable things. Who knows what else I did? Chances are I'll see something and it'll jog my memory and then I'll remember. Then I'll have to live with it."
"Sam, you weren't yourself. Your soul was in hell. You can't just take all this and..."
"That is no excuse!" Sam cut him off.
"Sam!" Dean snapped.
"No, Dean", At this Sam shifted to face Dean, "If I tried to hurt Bobby, tried to kill the man we consider a second father, then who knows what else I was capable of?"
"I thought the two of you talked about that, worked something out? I mean Bobby did seem a little less awkward around you." Dean remembered Sam coming out and he seemed a little shaken, in a good way if that made any sense. Sam didn't say anything and Dean didn't pry. He knew that Sam lingered to have that desperately needed talk with Bobby.
"We did, but it doesn't change what I've done."
Dean groaned, "Can you not make this personal?"
Sam scoffed, "It is personal Dean!" he cried appalled at the question, "If it was you, you'd make a big deal out of it too, so don't sit there and tell me in a roundabout way you wouldn't. Cause you would!"
So Dean didn't, cause well...Sam was right.
Sam continued, "I've done a lot of messed up things and now I've gotta try to fix it...somehow and…..and….let's face it I won't be able to fix everything." Sam snorted broodingly and sunk back into the seat and almost seemed to sink down as well. And given his size, that was quite a feat. He looked back out the window and muttered, "Can't fix everything, forget that, I never seem to fix anything. Just mess up more than I did before. Just the story of my jacked up life!"
"That's it!" Dean cried. Sam didn't move to Dean's cry even as he pulled over to the side of the road, cutting the engine. He turned to Sam who didn't even shift from his window viewing.
"Look Sam, I've dealt with a soulless you, for the past half year and even I don't want to know everything you did. And even if I did, it wouldn't change anything. I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I love now that you are brooding, a sure sign you are back, but I hope this doesn't become a prolonged habit. How do you take everything so personal and make it your fault? It isn't your fault. You didn't come back with a soul on purpose. I don't even know how the heck a body exist without a soul, anyway."
"How does a body exist without a soul? I've been trying to understand that one." Sam asked glancing at Dean.
Dean mouth thinned, "I just said I don't know, Sam. Are you listening to me?"
Sam shrugged, "Just checking."
"It doesn't seem possible if you think about it, but it happened, we deal with it all like usual. I guess that's the beauty of dealing with the supernatural, sometimes it just is. And frankly if this was the way to getting you back like now, then I'm ecstatic about that."
Sam gave Dean an appreciative look before he lowered his glaze and asked timidly. "Can I ask you something?"
Dean studied Sam a moment, "Anything, you know that."
"I don't…..I don't...remember everything, though Cas helped fill in some of the blanks and I'm grateful to know what I'm dealing with, what I'm up against but…" Sam trailed off looking up to let his eyes rake over his older brother's form.
"But…..?" Dean prompted.
"I know I tried to hurt Bobby, and if I was able to do that…." Sam took a breath to steady his nerves, closing his eyes briefly before reopening them and looking pretty steadily at Dean, "Then the question is begged….pleaded even…"
"How poetic", Dean quipped trying to lighten the tension that was building. It worked for a moment as Sam chuckled before sobering.
Sam's eyes darkened and became wet as he treaded hesitantly as if needing to know the answer, yet not wanting to know, "Did I….when I was soulless….did I…..I…I...I..." Sam swallowed thickly, his eyes darting around.
Dean kept trying to help the words out of Sam's mouth. "Did you….?"
Sam's eyes came back to Dean's face who was waiting pretty patiently, "Did I….. did I..." Sam took a long breath and shut his eyes briefly once more before, reopening them. Finally he blurted out, "Did I hurt you?"
There a pause that ordinarily no one would realize but Sam being Sam and knowing his brother did. His eyes widen almost popping his eyes. "Oh, God, I did! Didn't I?"
"Sam!" Dean called as Sam was already out the Impala and slamming the door. Dean scrambled out the car, "Sam!"
Sam held his head in his hands, making choking sounds, sounding like a man drowning and in a way he was. Dean rushed over and grabbed his arm.
Sam twisted away from him, pain in his eyes, as he asked searching Dean's face, "What did I do?"
"What did I do?" Sam growled repeating his question.
"Sam! You didn't hurt me!" Dean cried exasperated, "You didn't!"
Sam's eyes raked over Dean's form as Dean stood worryingly watching his brother, "Well…." Sam started slowly, "Maybe not physically…." Here he paused and Dean couldn't help the squirm, "Then it was emotionally. What did I say, Dean?"
Man, his younger brother was good, but Dean wasn't about to give him that. Dean gave a huff and turned around, his back to his brother.
"So help me God, you better tell me!" Sam yelled, his voice breaking, his eyes filling with tears and he had to blink them back.
Dean didn't say anything as his own face twisted in pain, in the memory, though Sam couldn't see.
"Dean, if it was you, you'd want to know. You'd probably do everything short of pounding it out of me. You'd want to know, you know you would. Tell me! What did I do? I might not can fix it but I will darn well try! Please….Dean…." Sam voice broke further as he watched his brother shift.
Dean closed his eyes once, "Leave it alone Sam. It wasn't anything. It was nothing."
"Tell me", Sam voice was soft and pleading.
Dean sighed and turned so he could look at Sam out the corner of his eyes. "Please, let it go. You didn't do anything." He tried one final time to get Sam to let it go.
Sam got that classic puppy dog look as he said simple, his voice soft, "I need to know. I need to, Dean."
Dean shut his eyes and drew in a breath, knowing he couldn't deny that voice of plea, "You didn't do…anything. It was…you said something. It said something, cause it wasn't you."
There was a long pause as Dean leaned on the Impala. Sam gingerly took a seat next to him, his eyes glued to his older brother. He was barely breathing he was so nervous.
"It was quite awhile ago. I began to realize that something was…..wrong with you. And um….it was getting you to admit or even see that. And I guess you did, sort of that day." Dean wet his lips with his tongue out of nervousness. He glanced at Sam knowing he had his full attention.
He knew what he would say would add more fuel to Sam's already broodiness. He didn't want that. He wanted so badly for Sam to forget about it, not know about it. He didn't want to hurt Sam. He didn't, but Sam was stubborn he'd pestered him or someone else, namely Castiel, for the information. Granted it was something that no one else could possibly know cause it didn't involve anyone else and no one else was around. But if Castiel was nosy and listened in, he would know. And in if he did, well Dean would feel better if something like this came from him and not some angel who Dean wasn't getting anymore.
Something was going on with Cas that's for sure.
"Dean?" Sam asked softly.
Dean shook his head, coming out of his long thoughts. He realized he must have been silent for quiet some time. He cleared his throat, "We…were….um at the park one day….and you came forth about….some things."
"That you knew...that without a soul you weren't…well you." Dean gave a forced chuckle.
"Okay?" Sam knew there was more, much more. He shifted in his seat, feeling a sick sense of dread.
"You also admitted you did terrible things and…..did things to innocents….you'd never do."
Sam figured that part out, "Yeah…."
"You knew it was something that the other Sam wouldn't do. That you wouldn't do. And that despite that….you should go back to being you…with a soul." Here a small smile graced Dean's face. Sometimes he wondered if that Sam really meant what he said at the time, cause Dean could never read that Sam. But he believed in that moment that, that Sam had meant it.
There was long silence after that and Dean didn't seem incline to go on. So Sam sighed softly, "Dean…." His voice was pleading.
Dean groaned and physically looked away, "It wasn't you Sam."
That same tone of pleading, "Tell me anyway...tell me... "
"You said you...you didn't care about anything….not innocents, not Lisa and Ben….." Dean head shifted, as he trailed off, though still not looking Sam.
Sam blinked trying to read between the lines.
He said he didn't care about innocents, Lisa and Ben...
Didn't care about innocents, Lisa and Ben...
Innocents, Lisa and Ben...
And finally it clicked for Sam as he began choking, feeling physically ill, "Don't tell me I said that! I didn't say that! Did I? Did I say, that I didn't care...didn't care...not even about you? Please Dean, did I really say that?"
The silence was enough answer for Sam as he pushed himself off the car feeling dizzy. He stumbled away from Dean and leaned over, retching what little food or whatever was in his stomach. How could he? He shut his eyes tightly as if willing it not to be. How could he have?
"Sam!" Dean cried seeing this and rushing over to support Sam. It took a moment for the retching to stop as Dean rubbed soothing circles on Sam's back.
"I didn't! Oh God, I did, didn't I?" Sam cried, wiping his mouth, tears pouring down his face by this point.
Sam twisted away from Dean at this point, his eyes wide and panicky. "Why are you still here?" Sam asked in horror taking a step back and out of Dean's reach, "Why did you stick around? Wait, I probably need a keeper then, I get that, but why are you here now? God, Dean…."
"Sam, come on! Calm down", Dean tried to say softly, hoping to get Sam to calm down. He was worried about Sam's mental state right now. He saw the conflict of emotions running across his younger brother's face.
Sam let out a choke sob, "I'm sorry! It's feeble, I know, but it's all I have to offer. I'm so sorry. I'll leave. I'll go away. I'll get far away from you."
Sam turned to run in a random direction but he found himself immobile. Dean had anticipated this move, considering his younger brother looked like he was gonna bolt, and stepped over and reached out before he had taken a single step. He wrapped his arms around Sam and Sam tried to twist away, even tried to push Dean away but Dean held on for all that he was worth. Finally Sam knees buckled and Dean lowered him to the ground. Sam was sobbing loudly. He reached up over Dean's arms that didn't move to hold his head in his hands. It was an awkward position because of Dean's arms holding him in place.
"I can't believe I said that", Sam cried, "How could I be so cruel to my own family? First you, then Bobby? I was a monster. I am a monster!"
"NO!" Dean yelled vehemently making Sam jump since his mouth was close to his ear. Dean gave Sam a shake and lowered his voice but there was no less conviction in it. "I don't want to hear you say that, do you understand. I don't EVER want to hear you say that. NEVER! Do you understand that? I'll give you that soulless you was a monster, if you want that. I'll give you that, but if you are going to base yourself now, with a soul, on that I will beat the tar out of you."
Sam gave a chuckle amidst his sob.
"You weren't you, do you understand that? Anything you did during that time, wasn't you. Yes, we'll probably have backlash to deal with from it, but I don't want you to base your existence from now on solely on what happened then. It wasn't you. It wasn't."
"But it was my body."
"Without a soul Sam. I'm sorry but I think that a soul is what makes up the essence of a person, hence your soul was missing, hence it wasn't you."
"How very poetic." Sam quipped unconsciously turning Dean's earlier words on him, sniffing with a small smile.
Dean knocked his head against Sam playfully once before continuing seriously, "I'm serious, Sam. It wasn't you, so I don't EVER want to hear you call yourself a monster. Cause that is not you. I watched you with that victim's sister the other day, how gentle you were with her and I was happy to see that. Or even when I snatched that chick's diary and you asked me with some scolding in there why I did that. That is you. That is my little brother. That is you. And that isn't a monster, do you understand?" Dean shook Sam once for emphasis.
Sam sniffed, "I hurt you, Dean."
"It wasn't you."
"I…..I can't even say I didn't mean it, cause I don't know. I don't understand my thought process with that."
"I know and I'm glad. Very glad! I didn't understand soulless you either, so I'm glad you can't connect with that, as you. Another proof that you aren't a monster, that you're you."
Sam twisted his head over his shoulder to look at Dean his eyes searching, "I don't feel that way now. I would never feel that way now. I never have when I was with a soul. Ever. It never crossed my mine, not even during the apocalypse and we had the trouble and we separated, it never did. Ever. Never ever." He shook his head violently.
Dean's heart near broke at the earnest of Sam's words and voice. It was the only thing Sam felt he could offer the situation. He didn't know any other way to fix that.
Dean smiled slight and leaned his head against Sam's, "I know."
"Are you sure?" Sam frowned, ready to make Dean know what he said was truth, looking cross eyed at Dean since he was so close.
Dean's smile widen at this, "I'm positively-absolutely."
This got Sam to chuckled once lowering his eyes. Dean saw this and frowned lightly, "I don't' want you to make a big deal out of this. I didn't want to tell you. I wouldn't have discussed it, wouldn't have brought it up."
Sam said nothing.
"And another thing…" Dean couldn't help but add softly, "you knew…you knew I didn't tell the whole truth when I said no."
"That was easy. You paused too long."
Dean pulled his head from Sam, rolling his eyes, "Seriously, Sam, who else but you would have caught that."
Sam's head jerked up to look at Dean who had a soft smile on his face. "Exactly", Dean spoke, "No one else. Just you. Only you."
Sam stared at Dean a long moment, before sniffing. His face still had tear tracks. He finally gave a small smile at this comforted at this small thought. Then it dropped and he asked sofly sniffing again, "You mad?"
"At?" Dean asked frowning.
"For me saying that. I did hurt you." It was the truth after all.
"No." And Dean meant that. He was hurt when soulless Sam told him that, but he knew, somewhere he knew that it wasn't his brother.
Cause his his brother would never have fixed his lips to say such a thing.
Never would have formed in his mind.
With all their fights, that is the one thing that never would have even occurred to Sam.
Sam studied Dean for a bit trying to read everything he wasn't saying. Finally he smiled, dimples and all, "Okay."
"We past this?" Dean had to ask for confirmation as he in turn studied his brother.
Sam nodded, "I get it. I do. I won't be able to just….forget and bury it but, yea."
"As long as you don't make this bigger than it needs to be."
"Alright, I'll try my hardest."
"Yeah, since you are Mr. Fix-it now and you really want to fix it, that's what you can do, to fix this situation."
Sam cocked his head thoughtfully. He never thought of it like that, but yeah, he would do that. That is how he could fix this particular situation. If for nothing else then his brother. He wouldn't want to keep drilling his brother with this by not letting it go himself. He nodded. "Agreed."
Dean grinned once and hugged Sam to him, making Sam chuckle once and reach up to squeeze his brother's arms in his own hug. They stayed like that for awhile, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally it was broken.
"Uh, bro?" Sam asked reaching up to wipe his eyes.
"Yeah?" Dean answered absently.
"Not awkward for you? This does define all out chick-flick moment."
Dean snorted, releasing Sam only to use one hand to push Sam's head playfully as he stood up. Sam laughed once at this, reveling in the familiar gesture. "Shut up, Sam. Why you got to read into stuff?"
"Cause I'm good at it."
Dean held out a hand and helped his brother up. "Then un-good at it."
Sam gave a grin accepting Dean's help and bouncing to his feet, "Then I wouldn't be me, would I?"
Dean stared at Sam a moment before he gave a grin back, "Yeah, you wouldn't." He smacked Sam's arm as he walked to his side of the car, "Now that our side trip is done let's get back to getting some food. We are late and Bobby's probably worrying and might kill us if he's hungry enough."
Sam laughed, "Yeah, probably."
With both Sam and Dean back into the car, exchanging grins, Dean put the pedal to the medal and got back on the road, burning asphalt and leaving that particular situation right were they left it.
In the past.
A.N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! The ending isn't really as poetic as I usually can do, but yeah... Thanks again!