I Honestly Love You (1/3)
Five times Blaine didn't realize he was in love with Kurt, and one time he did.
Spoilers: Slight spoilers (barely there, really) for the Superbowl episode and MAJOR spoilers for Silly Love Songs (you've been warned).
Warning: Spoilers and speculation for upcoming episodes.
Disclaimer: Glee is so not mine.
Word Count: 3039 (for this part)
Summary: High-light for a spoilery summary: Their feelings are out on the table, but they decide to preserve their friendship by staying just friends. It was Blaine's idea, so why can't he seem to handle it?
Author's Note: This story is set up in a "Five Times" format, but it's getting lengthy so I decided to split it up. The first two will be in this part, the next two in the second part and the final part and the "realization" in the last part. Again, this part especially contains some major spoilers for the Klaine relationship and the rest is really just speculation. Please enjoy!
"Guys, I'd say we're ready for regionals."
Several of the Warblers cheered happily, patting him on the back before filtering out of the practice room, calling their girlfriends to make Friday night plans, or chatting amongst themselves. Blaine immediately whirled around to face the couch Kurt had been perched on, but it had been vacated.
Blaine frowned and looked around the room before tugging at David's sleeve. "Did you see where Kurt ran off to?"
David was in the middle of a text and he barely glanced up to meet Blaine's eyes.
"He flew out of here pretty fast," David said as he hit the send button on his phone and pocketed it. "What do you suggest – P.F. Chang's or that Mongolian Grill place? Gloria's going through this Asian cuisine phase." He rolled his eyes.
"Both are delicious," Blaine shrugged as he gathered his sheet music off the table and tucked it under his arm. "Have fun!" He called before turning around and heading in the direction of Kurt's dorm.
Hey. You disappeared on me. - - - Blaine
He punched out the text quickly as he turned down the next hall and took the stairs. His phone vibrated when he received Kurt's response.
In my room. –K
Blaine nodded to himself and turned down the junior's wing, making his way down to Kurt's room and pushing open the door.
Kurt was standing in front of his wardrobe, pulling out clothes and throwing them into an open suitcase on his bed. He glanced up and gave Blaine a small smile in greeting.
"Knocking. Knocking is a good thing."
Blaine just grinned and closed the door behind him. "Your door was already ajar." He plopped down on the end of Kurt's bed and gestured at the suitcase. "What's up?"
Kurt snarled in frustration and threw his hands up in the air, turning to his drawers. "Oh, just going home for the weekend. Finn's demanding my presence at his stupid football game and at this point I'm already going to be late." He pulled the drawers open and began to throw socks and scarves on top of the wrinkled pants and tops.
"You're not even folding. I'm worried."
Kurt couldn't help but laugh and throw Blaine an endearing smile over his shoulder. "Like I said. I'm already running late. I can just iron at home."
"…Do you really need this much for a weekend home?" Blaine teased. Kurt mustered his best bitch, please face and cocked an eyebrow in his direction.
Blaine watched as Kurt continued to pack and fuss over which pairs of shoes he absolutely needed to bring along. Without their mindless banter, Kurt was becoming increasingly frustrated and had taken to running his hands through his hair and muttering angrily to himself. He finally zipped his suitcase shut (a feat in itself) and let himself fall backwards onto his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, eyes empty.
"Hey," Blaine said, poking Kurt's arm from his place at the foot of the mattress. "You all right? Because you look like you're about to have a panic attack."
"Fine. It's just … as happy as I am to go home and see everyone, I kind of have a life here. And by life I mean a demanding course load. Pretty sure I have, like, three essays due next week that I haven't even been able to start on. And I know I can bring my work home with me, but I'm not going to get anything done. Not with Finn being stupid and distracting, dad wanting to catch up, Mercedes wanting to go out … it's just…" he mimed strangling an invisible neck.
Blaine laughed out loud and grabbed Kurt's wrist, bringing his hand down again. "Kurt. You're going to be fine. I've never seen you get anything less than a B on an essay – or any assignment for that matter. You deserve going out and having some fun. It's Friday."
"Yeah, sure, it's Friday and that's fine. But I'll be gone the whole weekend and – Oh!" Kurt squeezed his eyes shut and threw his hands over his face, groaning loudly. "It's Friday. Blaine, I'm sorry!"
Blaine gave him a look of mock pain and placed a hand on his heart, frowning. "It's just No Strings Attached. Haven't been waiting forever to see it or anything."
Kurt sat up and gave him a wounded look and Blaine immediately backtracked, realizing he had made Kurt feel even worse about his situation.
"No no no no," Blaine swore, waving his hands and shaking his head. "I'm just kidding … kind of. We can see it any time."
"I promised you we'd –"
"Kurt," Blaine interrupted, leaning forward and squeezing his knee. "Go home. Have fun. Don't worry."
Kurt took a deep breath and closed his eyes, nodding. "All right. I owe you, like, a Natalie Portman marathon or something. OK?"
Blaine stood up from the bed and offered his hand to Kurt, pulling him up. "Yes please." He grabbed Kurt's suitcase and backpack while Kurt pulled on his coat and gloves. "Let me walk you out to the parking lot."
Kurt just nodded and smiled down at his shoes before following after Blaine.
They stopped by Blaine's room to grab his coat before heading out to the parking lot, chatting about how they were going to sneak into No Strings Attached next weekend since it was R-rated and how Natalie deserved an Oscar for Black Swan and, really, it seemed like a lot of their conversations revolved around Natalie Portman.
"It's snowing pretty hard," Blaine commented nervously as they approached Kurt's Lincoln Navigator. And it was. He could barely see the clock tower through the white curtain and a thick blanket of snow was already coating the streets. "Kurt, it's probably pretty icy…"
"It's Ohio, Blaine," Kurt reasoned, shooting him a vaguely annoyed look. "I know how to drive in this weather."
"Let me drive you. Then I can pick you up on Sunday."
"Blaine. Please. I can take care of myself. I – "
Kurt suddenly yelped and slipped forward, falling almost face first into his car before bouncing off the side and landing in the snow. His mouth fell open in surprise as an embarrassed blush crept onto his face.
It didn't help that Blaine was kneeled over, laughing.
"Oh God – Kurt!" he choked out, losing his ability to stand up straight. So he resigned and sat down next to Kurt on the ground, still snickering. "Oh, Kurt, are you all right?"
"Fine," Kurt replied, his voice clipped. He stood up stiffly and brushed the snow off his pants. "Just fine. So glad I could amuse you."
Blaine stood, whipping tears away from his eyes. But every time he looked back over at Kurt, he couldn't help but burst into a fit of laughter again. Kurt put his hands on his hips and looked away, pouting.
"God, I love you," he practically whimpered through his hysterics. Kurt's head snapped back around so fast that Blaine immediately stopped laughing and stared back at him.
He had never said anything like that to Kurt. Yeah, he did love him a lot. He was his best friend. He was hilarious, witty, kind … the list could go on. But with the unreadable way Kurt was looking at him now, it was probably best to clarify.
"As a friend," he added awkwardly with a shrug. Kurt's face visibly changed to – what? A look of relief? Disappointment? Blaine couldn't be sure. He wasn't exactly the best at interpreting facial expressions or really knowing how to deal with situations like these at all. He opened his mouth, trying to think of something else to say. But Kurt spoke instead.
"Come on. You're driving me then," Kurt sighed, putting away his keys. "I admit defeat."
"It's for the best," Blaine teased, digging in his coat pocket for his own car keys and pulling them out. He breathed a private sigh of relief. "If you can't stay on your own two feet in this weather, I seriously doubt your ability to keep a car on the road."
Kurt snorted, but he was smiling. "You're lucky I trust you." He paused for a moment, biting his bottom lip. "Stay for the football game?"
"I'd be happy to," Blaine replied without a second thought. They made their way over to his Jeep and Blaine circled around to open the passenger's door for Kurt before hopping in on his own side.
"I was thinking the same thing, anyway," Blaine admitted as he started his car and began to pull out of the parking spot. "That way I can keep an eye on you. Won't Karofsky be there?"
"Sure, Blaine. But I'll be in the stands and he'll be on the field."
"Still. Besides," he moved his hand down from where he was resting it on to the back of Kurt's seat and squeezed his shoulder. "I want to spend time with you."
Kurt let out a breathy little response that Blaine couldn't quite translate. But the next time he looked over at Kurt, he was smiling down at his hands and practically glowing. Blaine couldn't understand why tonight was different from any other night they spent together, but he didn't dwell on it.
"I am a douchebag."
They were the first words Blaine uttered to Kurt when the latter walked through the doors of the Coffee Bean and joined him at their usual table.
Kurt stared at him with tired eyes and shook his head. "Is this still about the guy at the Gap? Because we already discussed this and agreed that, yes, you were in fact an unintentional douchebag."
"Wow, thanks Kurt," Blaine sighed, rubbing at his own eyes and groaning.
"You don't go on two dates with someone and decide to out them in front of all their co-workers through song and dance. Especially not with songs about … about abandoning sex toys and looking at their pornographic pictures."
"I'm really bad at this, OK?" Blaine snapped with more force than necessary. Kurt nervously jumped back in his chair so Blaine lowered his voice. "I've just never really been anyone's boyfriend."
Kurt shrugged. "Well, neither have I."
Blaine mirrored his shrug and placed his elbows on the table so he could let his face fall into his hands. "I'm so embarrassed."
Kurt was deathly silent. Blaine was too busy wallowing in his own despair, but after a couple minutes of this he finally looked up and frowned. Kurt looked like someone had punched him in the stomach. He looked positively ill.
"You all right?" Blaine asked, reaching across the table to rest his hand on top of Kurt's.
Kurt stared down at their hands before carefully pulling his own away. "Blaine? Can I be completely honest with you about something?"
Blaine braced himself. Oh God, what else had he done wrong?
"Always," Blaine answered, hoping his expression didn't give away his fear.
Kurt grabbed a napkin on the table and began to nervously tear it into long shreds. He kept his eyes trained on the table. "When you were asking the Warblers to perform for someone you fell in love with … I thought that someone was me."
Blaine's heart skipped about five beats and he raised his hand to cover his mouth so fast he almost slapped himself in the face. "Oh. Kurt."
"Yeah," Kurt laughed shakily, hands braced on the arms of his chair like he was about to make a run for it. "Sorry. I just … wow. I can't believe I … Blaine, I'm sorry."
He moved to stand up, but Blaine held up a hand to halt him. He sunk back down, staring at Blaine with wide, frightened eyes.
"You don't need to apologize for anything," Blaine promised, feeling just as scared as Kurt looked. "I just … what made you think that?"
Kurt took a deep breath and Blaine cringed. This was probably going to take awhile.
"Within the first thirty seconds of meeting me, you held my hand. It took you less than a week to take me to a production of RENT. You answered my texts and skipped class to take care of me after Karofsky kissed me. When I came to Dalton, you were there whenever I needed advice or whenever I made a fool out of myself during rehearsals. We go out almost every Friday night and spend the weekends watching movies and doing homework together. You sang flirty duets – well, one flirty duet with me and I know that it's just a song but the way we sang it … never mind … and then we come here at least once a week before school, and you know my order is a white chocolate Café Latte."
Kurt wasn't necessarily accusing him of anything, but the guilt that tugged at his heart was still unbearable.
"I didn't mean to lead you on," he whispered. His whole body felt like it was aching.
"I'm not asking you to return my feelings," Kurt assured him with a sad, little smile. "It's just that not coming clean and being honest with myself about stuff like this hasn't worked well for me in the past and I just … I thought you should know."
"Kurt – "
"And I don't think you lead me on intentionally. I mean, I wasn't making my feelings for you very obvious or anything. I think the act of leading someone on is only effective when the other person knows that the target is, like, head over heels and I'll … I'll stop talking now."
Blaine stared down at the table. His heart was still fluttering like mad. He chose his next words carefully.
"Kurt. I care about you so much." He reached out across the table, grabbing Kurt's hands again and squeezing. Kurt still looked a little frightened. "So much to the point I have no idea what I'd do with myself if you ever left. I know I've probably been coming off as someone I'm not, and the truth is you've helped me just as much as I'd like to think I've helped you. I'm not this confident, experienced guy. I'm just sixteen and I have no idea what I'm doing but having you in my life, having you as a friend has meant so, so much to me. I love you, Kurt. I love you so much and you're this amazing person. But I don't think I can be in love with you because that's an entirely different dynamic and with that kind of love comes fights, breaking up, hurt feelings … the chance that you might never come back. And I can't take that."
To Blaine's complete surprise, Kurt was smiling at him and squeezing his hands back. "Blaine, is that your flowery way of friend zoning me? Because I'm OK with that. I promise, it's fine. I don't want to be with you unless we're both one hundred percent for it. Otherwise, what's the point?"
Blaine nodded in agreement, the tension immediately leaving his body. Because he was pretty sure Kurt was being completely genuine and was honestly just relieved to get his feelings off his chest. After all, he was currently smiling like a fool.
"I'm glad we talked about this," Blaine said, standing up and pushing in his chair. "And I'll try to tone myself down. I didn't realize – "
"No!" Kurt interrupted, sounding slightly panicked as he stumbled out of his chair to join Blaine in line for coffee. "No. We shouldn't change anything. Or else it's just going to be forced and awkward. Changing the way we act around each other would be just as detrimental to our friendship as dating would be."
Blaine tilted his head to the side and pondered for a moment before nodding slowly. "Yeah. You're right. I just … I don't want to hurt you."
Kurt shook his head quickly, dismissing the idea entirely. "You're not going to hurt me. I was interested, you weren't. And that's fine. It's taken me a long time, but I've realized that I deserve someone who's going to love me as completely as I love them." Kurt bumped his shoulder and grinned. "You're just missing out," he teased.
Blaine smiled back and returned the nudge. "You do deserve that person. And I know you'll find him. Because look at you. You're just …" he gestured vaguely at Kurt, shaking his head incredulously. "You're amazing."
Kurt blushed slightly and they moved up a few places in line. "So, have we officially moved up from good friends to best friends?" Kurt asked, smiling mischievously. "Because I'm pretty sure we just developed a deeper connection."
Blaine blinked slightly in surprise, but then shook it off with a grin. "Well, this is embarrassing. I didn't realize we hadn't already moved up to best friends. This whole time, bragging to everyone about my best friend Kurt …" Blaine shook his head in mock disbelief. "But yes," he continued seriously after a beat of silence. "We can officially move up to best friend status."
"Oh, I feel like I'm in fifth grade again," Kurt reminisced dreamily, causing Blaine to snort with laughter. "Seriously, though. This is kind of like When Harry Met Sally and I get to be Meg Ryan – a mocha Café Latte with extra foam, please," Kurt said as they finally stepped up to the barista and ordered.
"And a white chocolate Café Latte," Blaine said when it was his turn to order. When they received the coffees at the other end of the bar, they exchanged them and grinned.
Kurt sashayed back to their table and Blaine smiled after him.
"Don't they get together in the end?" he asked to no one in particular, because Kurt certainly hadn't heard him.
And he knew he was going to have to stop himself from looking up the movie on Netflix when he got back to his dorm. Why, though, he really wasn't sure.
What's to come: Three: Kurt gets drunk at a party, and Blaine becomes protective. Four: Another boy steps into the mix, and Blaine can't pinpoint exactly why he's jealous.