Hey guys! It's been awhile. A lot of people have asked me about finishing this story, and I've decided to. It's going to be AU after Silly Love Songs, obviously. And I'm also abandoning the Five Times format and just posting as I write. It might be easier for me that way. I hope you enjoy!
"You are never going to believe what I just did."
Blaine looked up from his pile of papers and textbooks to see Kurt hovering over him, grinning ear to ear
"Wow, you're quiet," he observed uneasily. "I didn't even hear you come in."
"You left your door wide open, silly," Kurt laughed, closing it with a gentle kick before settling down on the floor of Blaine's door room. He stared at his mess. "Is this in any specific order, or…?"
"I don't even know," Blaine moaned, falling onto his back dramatically and staring at the ceiling. "I'm going to fail school."
Kurt rolled his eyes and grabbed the stack of papers, neatening the pile before beginning to sort by class. Blaine turned his head to the side, watching with a small smile.
"You are a blessing in my life."
"Oh, I know," Kurt replied without looking up from the task at hand. Blaine followed his movement as he stood up and rummaged through his desk before pulling out a few empty folders and settling back down on the floor. He began to place each individual stack in a separate folder.
"Amazing," Blaine cooed, pulling himself back up into a seated position. "Truly, truly amazing."
Kurt blushed and waved a hand dismissively. "Didn't take you for someone who failed at organization, but whatever."
"I'm usually not this bad," Blaine said honestly, grabbing the stack of folders and placing them on top of his desk. He did the same with his textbooks. "But you had something to tell me."
"Yes!" Kurt exclaimed, clapping his hands together and grinning. "OK, so, I was in my one-on-one meeting with the council. And they were asking their usual checking-in questions, like 'how are you adjusting?' and 'what solo should we give Blaine Anderson next?' Well, after they knocked down all of my recommendations for song choices, they got around to asking if I had any suggestions for rehearsals. Guess what I convinced them to do? Guess."
Blaine shook his head, laughing. "I have no clue. Tell me."
"I told them how, back when I was in New Directions, we would have weekly assignments and some were designed to relay a certain emotion. And, well, even if it wasn't a part of the assignment we usually did it anyway. We had a lot of feelings. It was like music therapy."
Blaine felt his jaw drop. "You didn't. No."
"I did! Every single Warbler is going to sing a song that's near and dear to their heart, or expresses something they're going through, or just whatever they want to sing. The council agreed to set aside Thursday and some of Friday for performances. They're announcing it tomorrow, but I thought I'd give you a heads up. Maybe find some songs about failed organization?"
Blaine laughed and sat on the edge of his bed, patting the spot next to him to indicate Kurt should join him. Kurt plopped down next to him and beamed.
"You're amazing," Blaine said. "I'm pretty sure the Warblers have never sung about feelings."
"Once I'm on the council, we'll be doing things like this every week. It gives everyone a chance to sing. I think it'll really benefit us."
"And what if I'm on the council too? You'll have to deal with me and my strict anti-feelings policy," Blaine joked.
He saw something flash in Kurt's eyes as he glanced down at his lap. He had, of course, been teasing. But maybe those weren't the right words to use.
"Well, are council members even allowed solos? Would you really be willing to give that up?" Kurt joked back feebly.
Blaine's hand ghosted over Kurt's where it rested on the bed. "I hope I've made it very clear that I love you no matter what. Even if it's not in the way you want. And I just want the best for you. You have to understand that it has nothing to do with you and everything with me. Because I'd be a terrible boyfriend for you. There are a lot of things I need to fix about myself before I'm good enough for anyone. Especially you."
"I don't understand why you're so hard on yourself," Kurt said, staring down at their hands. "What makes you think anyone would want you if you're completely perfect? A lot of the time the most interesting and…lovable parts of a person are the most interesting."
Blaine shrugged and pulled his hand away. "You just don't get it. I left my school and, when I came here, I became a completely different person. Everything about me now just feels…forced."
Kurt stayed silent for a few seconds, giving Blaine time to comprehend that, yes, he was about to have this conversation with Kurt and disclose things he had never told anyone here at Dalton. He held his breath as he waited for Kurt's response, knowing there was no turning back now.
"Don't tell me I don't get it," Kurt said, his voice a little darker. "I left my school, too. I know what it's like too, Blaine."
"You're still the same person, though," Blaine pointed out. "You've become stronger, but you didn't change anything about you because you were scared."
"You're not the person you are with the Warblers when you're around me," Kurt pointed out, angling toward him. "Like right now. I've seen sides of you they've probably never seen before and you act like your entire character is just ruined when really you're still there, Blaine. I see it – "
"Can we not make this about you and me?" Blaine snapped suddenly. It must've been a little too harsh, because Kurt's face flushed and his eyes darkened. "This is what I mean, Kurt. You don't understand."
"Make me understand, then," Kurt said, folding his arms over his chest and looking away.
Blaine shrugged off his blazer, unknotted his tie, and began unbuttoning the white dress shirt underneath.
"What are you doing?" Kurt asked, doing a double take and frowning.
Blaine was down to his undershirt when he turned his right arm over to show a long, white scar on the inside of his arm. It started near his elbow and nearly reached his armpit. Blaine saw Kurt's jaw drop as he took it in.
"This happened when a couple guys pushed me into the trophy case at my old high school. I threw my arm out to try and catch myself but I broke through the glass and it cut me. It was…terrifying. I really wanted to stick it out and not be chased away after that, but Kristy was graduating and she was really the only person there who actually cared about me. I didn't really see the point. It didn't help that my dad didn't care if I transferred or stayed – like it wasn't a big deal or something. I had never felt so…uncared for in my life than I did in those few weeks before I decided I needed to leave that school. When I came here, I auditioned for the Warblers and they just really embraced me. I was at my weakest, but they didn't even notice and they never have. It was a blessing because I've never had to explain myself, but at the same time none of them even know. I just became this person they thought I was and I stuck with it. …And then I met you. And here I am telling you all of this."
"You had every right to leave your school, Blaine," Kurt said quietly, still staring at the scar with Blaine. "You weren't cowardly."
"I know. But that's not my point. My point is that I'm not the same person everyone here makes me out to be…including you."
"I'm not going to deny that I didn't start…feeling things for you before I thought you were anything less than perfect," Kurt said quietly, running his finger down the upraised scar and making Blaine shiver. "But it's not like I stopped after you so effortlessly proved you're a complete mess."
Kurt pulled his hand away and smiled slightly. "Like I said earlier, though. I'm getting over it. I know you don't want to be with me and I respect that, okay? You're my best friend, and we – "
Blaine was an idiot. A one hundred percent idiot. Before he even considered he might come off as a complete tool, he reached out and pulled Kurt into a kiss midsentence.
The kiss was completely chaste at first. His lips didn't really move. But when Kurt didn't pull away, he deepened it slightly and squeezed Kurt's shoulder. It took a moment before he realized that, even though Kurt wasn't pulling away, he wasn't exactly returning the kiss either. In fact, he was just sitting there rather awkwardly with his hands in his lap.
Blaine jerked away and pulled his hands back. Kurt wasn't looking at him. He looked completely lost and miserable.
"Kurt – no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"I know you didn't," Kurt whispered, his hands trembling slightly. "Which makes me wonder why you would do that when you – " his voice broke and tears sprung from his eyes. When he continued, he was sniffling. "When you know how I feel about you."
He stood up from Blaine's bed and grabbed his bag. "It also makes me wonder why you would do that when you know what Karofsky did to me. And you know what that guy at the party did to me. Which also makes me wonder why you failed to tell me about that when I couldn't even remember for myself."
"So," Kurt snapped, shouldering his bag and wiping his eyes. "The only conclusion I can come to is that you did that in an attempt to show me what a complete and utter asshole you are, and to further aid me in getting over you. So, congratulations, Blaine. You did a fantastic job."
Blaine jumped up from the bed to grab Kurt's arm as he turned to leave, but Kurt turned around and pushed him away by shoving his chest. Blaine started to feel tears gather in his own eyes, but Kurt didn't stick around to see them fall. He swept out of the room, slamming the door behind him.