Authors Note: First off, this Fanfiction is posted in 'Humor' because that's what it is; a fanfiction to make fun of something. Don't get me wrong, I like this game. I kid because I love and all that. It's rated for the mention of drugs, but not anything heavy and there isn't actual drug use.
And, I realize that Doc can't actual be in all these scenes in the game, (Same with other characters,) but just go with it. It's not supposed to be prefectly cannon anyway.
Also, I do not own Chrono Cross, if I did, the ending would have been better. I also don't own the characters of Chrono Cross, if I did, I would have gone for quality over quantity.
"Hmm…" The Doctor said, staring at the bed ridden patient.
He then turned around at the rather crowded room and looked in turn at each person present.
They were an odd bunch; someone that looked like a young pirate, someone that looked like a rock star or possibly something creepier and a pink, fluffy dog. And there was also the native from Guldove, the kid with the mini Mohawk.
"It looks like its Hydra poison."
There was a pause and then the pirate spoke up, "Which means what, exactly?"
"That it's Hydra poison." he repeated slowly.
The pirate boy rubbed his forehead and the pink doggy spoke up, "I wink he meant morre along the whines of what can we do to swave her?"
Doc Dude blinked, not sure if he caught the broken speech of the strange creature, and then glanced back at his patient.
"Well, I think we have two options here." he answered, "If we had some Hydra Humor, we might be able to counter act the poison, but Hydras are extinct in El Nido…"
Everyone looked crestfallen at this horrible news, and Doc shook his head, "But hey, dudes, I said there were two options."
"Okay, so what's option number two?" the pirate asked.
Doc took a deep breath, "Medical cannabis."
"Excuse me?" several people in the room chorused.
He sighed and explained in a mellow tone of voice, "Even if we had Hydra Humor, I'm afraid the cheerleader has lost the will to live."
There was a pause.
"I want a second opinion." the pirate stated, looking at Doc in a distasteful and untrusting way.
He held up his hands defensively, "Dude, don't be a hater,"
The young man glared at him but before anything could be said, the pink dog spoke again, "What rif we could find some Hydra Humor?"
Doc sighed, "I told you, their extinct, and you can't get to the mainland this time of year because it's too stormy. But there are some gnarly waves, dude!"
The dog made a scoffing noise and the pirate rolled his eyes, but quickly looked thoughtful, "But, if Hydras are extinct here, maybe they won't be in the other El Nido!"
"Dude, dude, you're not listening," Doc said, shaking his head, "she's lost the will to live. Maybe if she ate a sandwich and gained some weight she'd have a chance, but right now I don't think so. "
"Yeah, I heard your crazy talk a minute ago but I think we're onto something here! I might be able too-"
Doc sighed and walked over, "I don't know anything about this other El Nido you're talking about, unless you've been sampling some of my medical…herbs already."
The pirate crossed his arms, "I have not been sampling anything of yours, and I never would! Are we even sure you're a doctor?"
"Of course he's a doctor!" Korcha said, defending him.
The doctor smiled at him, "Thanks man,"
He turned to the pirate, who muttered, "I still want a second opinion."
"Now," Doc Dude said, pushing him to the door, and gesturing to the others to follow, "visiting hours are over,"
He resisted, "But its noon!"
"Relax pirate man, I told you, she's lost the will to live," he repeated in a placid tone of voice.
"Hey! I-" the pirate complained, trying to escape.
"I have important things to smo-I mean….do." Doc Dude said, tripping over his words.
With one final shove he forced him out of the building where the others were waiting and then slammed the door shut.
Serge kicked the door at its base, "What a hack!"
Doc Dude sat in his favorite chair as he explained how Kid had made such a miraculous recovery from her poisoning. All thanks to a stranger from the mainland that had brought Hydra Humor.
"Do ya know who it was?" she asked afterwards, "I hate being indebted to someone and not knowing who,"
Doc shrugged, "All I know is he didn't want me to give him a check up or treat him."
"What a surprise…" Serge muttered.
Doc stood up, "Hey dudes, you all seem like pretty gnarly folks. I think I could learn a lot about medicine if I came with you. What do you say?"
Serge looked positively terrified at the idea and his friends behind him didn't look to thrilled either.
Kid nodded her head slowly, despite the others making throat-cutting motions with their hands.
"Okay Doc Dude, you can come. It might be real handy to have a doctor come along!" she said, smiling.
The assorted people groaned while Serge rolled his eyes, "It would be, if we could find a real one." he quipped.
Doc Dude chuckled, "Pirate man, I'm totally licensed to practice medicine…in some parts of El Nido…and not on the main land…No worries, right?"
"Right…" he said, sounding unconvinced.
Kid noticed the group's hesitation and made a face, "What's all yer problems?"
Doc was beginning to understand why the group had allowed him to come along. After all, they did nothing but get into trouble. They had just finished fighting a giant bird and a then a pirate.
Serge suddenly shook his arm out with a confused expression on his face.
"Jellyfish stingers!" the pirate man said, laughing.
Doc Dude held up his arm, "Don't worry! I know what to do!"
Serge had already fallen unconscious and Kid looked at him, "What?"
She glared at him even as she too fell forward, "Serge was right, you are a hack…"
He shrugged, and then fell backwards, "Whoa, these have quite the kick too them…"
"Y-you're Lynx, aren't ya?" Kid exclaimed, holding her wounded midsection.
Doc's eyes widened, "Dude, what the heck did you do that for?"
They both ignored him and continued to have a conversation while Doc Dude stood up, "I know how to cure this! Actually, there's two ways. I have hand sanitizer and medical cannabis, the all purpose cure alls!"
Kid couldn't look at him since she was being pulled up by her hair, but she did yell, "Doc, shut up!"
He held up his hands, "Trust me, it works every time."
Serge looked over and glared at him and gathered dark energy into his hand, "Quiet!"
The attack hit him and he collapsed, but not before saying, "Medical cannabis would totally cure this too…"
Doc Dude listened to the story, nodding every so often, and when they completed telling him everything, he exhaled.
"Gnarly man…So, you're in Lynx's body?"
Lynx held up his hands, "Obviously,"
"Hmm…" Doc said, "the way I see it, there's two options here if you want your body back."
Lynx looked doubtful, but it was hard to tell with his cat-like features. "I'm listening…"
"Well, we could do some sort of plastic surgery to remove the fur, whiskers, claws-" he stopped when Lynx, or rather, Serge in Lynx's body, took a step backward and away from him.
He chuckled, "Dude, relax. I've done it a bunch of times! You won't feel a thing,"
"That's what I'm worried about!" Serge snapped, "That I won't feel anything ever again!"
Doc Dude held up his hands, "Whoa, clam down little dude, I feel you. There's always another option,"
Serge sighed, "Like what?"
Serge slapped a hand to his forehead but winced and pulled it back because of claws.
"I think I'd rather try and find another Dragon's Tear, but thanks anyway."
Doc Dude shrugged, "Whatever man."
Serge/Lynx was about to leave but then stopped at the door, "Wait, if you know I'm really Serge, why don't you come with me?"
Doc Dude shook his head solemnly, "No can do cat-man, this whole thing has really effected me. I need some time; I'm no good to you in this state."
Serge looked annoyed, "Seriously?"
He glanced out the door and then back, "How many…herbs have you ingested in the last couple of days?"
Doc let his eyes wandered, "…Some,"
"Okay, yeah, I'll come back later."
They were on their way to see General Viper, who had somehow survived the stabbing at Fort Dragonia even without Doc Dude's expert treatment.
He suspected, however, that he would need to do some work once he got to the hermit's hideaway. There was no way the General would be perfectly fine after that, no matter what the Devas said.
As they climbed the burned tree stump Doc heard Serge mutter to Karsh, "Look, I know you don't exactly like me or whatever, but do not let Doc Dude stay alone with Viper."
"Why?" Karsh replied sharply, "He's a doctor, isn't he?"
Serge threw open his hands, "Is he?"They entered and Doc wove around everyone to go to the General's bedside and take a look. Almost at once he knew what had to be done.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
The older man shrugged, "Alright, I owe many thanks to Marcy for staying here."
"No problem," the little girl said, sounding smug.
Doc frowned, "Hmm…however fine you feel, I'm afraid you're not fully recovered. I think we'll have to do something about that. I think there's two options."
They all looked at him expectantly and he started to explain slowly, so that they wouldn't be lost in his medical speak.
"We could use a Hellsoul element to remove the General's soul from his body,"
A few people exchanged glances and Karsh asked, "And do what with it?"
"Umm…put it in another body?" Doc replied, not having thought that far ahead.
Viper looked half annoyed, half worried, "And the second option you had mentioned?"
"Oh, medical cannabis." Doc Dude answered swiftly.
Marcy's eyes widened, "Oh, my, gosh. Who is this and where did you find him?"
"You're not going to be doing any sort of treatment of the General," Karsh said, shooing him out of the room.
"Told you so," Serge commented smartly.
Doc Dude sighed, "No worries dudes, it's all good. But I really think the Viper man would do much better with some treatment."
"Uh…no thank you," the man said.
Doc Dude hadn't even known the Porre military had been invading Guldove until Lynx came in with a wounded Orlha and explained what had happened.
"Whoa, radical man…" Doc said, listening to the story.
Orlha seemed skeptical at first, but then nodded her head, "I see…so, you are actually Serge?"
He nodded and she stood, a little shakily, to hand him something.
"Hey, isn't that your sister's, little fighter lady?"
Orlha didn't look at him but nodded, "Yes, but it's alright. Once you have your form back, came and see me. This Sapphire Brooch will prove that you are who you say you are."
Then she collapsed back onto the bed, "Ugh, I need to train more…"
"No, you need medical cannabis," Doc countered.
Serge ignored him, "I'm sorry you got hurt. Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes," she said, nodding again.
Doc grinned, "Of course she's fine, she's getting treated by Guldove's finest doctor! Me!" he said.
Serge grimaced, "Again," he asked, "are you sure you're alright?"
Orlha glanced at Doc, who smiled in his mellow way, and then she turned back to Serge, "…Uh, I suppose so."
Dude chuckled and went over to the cabinet next to the bed, "Let's see…medical cannabis, leeches, Hydra Poison, acid, hemlock, puffer fish extract…"
He turned around and everyone had cleared out of the room.
"Hey, where'd everybody go?"
Lady Riddel looked ready to cry, "You don't recognize me?" she asked the armored man.
"I'm sorry, but I don't," he replied.
The owner of the home, an older lady, shook her head, "Oh, I'm so sorry dears, but he's been like that since I found him. No memory of anything, even his name."
"But there has to be a way to make him remember!" Riddel fretted.
Doc Dude raised a hand, "Out of the way dudes, I'm a doctor!"
When no one moved or showed any signs of having heard him, he took it upon himself to shoulder his way past Karsh, Radius, Lynx/Serge, Glenn and finally Riddel to stand before his newest patient.
"Amnesia, huh?" he said, crossing his arms thoughtfully, "I think a carefully applied concussion could re-set his memory," Doc explained.
Serge made a face, "Carefully applied concussion? Isn't that an oxymoron?"
"Oxygen is important, but I don't see what that has to do with anything right now," Doc Dude said, confused as to why the pirate had brought that up.
"Let me get this straight," Glenn said with an unconvinced look on his face, "you want to whack my brother over the head in hopes it will, literally, knock some sense into him?"
Doc Dude grinned, "Yeah,"
"What kind of doctor are you?" Riddel gasped, sounding horrified.
"A fake one…" Serge muttered in the corner.
Doc Dude sighed dramatically, "It's perfectly safe, I'm sure. I'll just need to borrow Orcha's frying pan, or maybe get Zoah in here because he's pretty strong…"
Glenn glared at him, "No, absolutely not."
"Because it sounds insane!"
Doc Dude closed his eyes and smiled a mellow smile, "Look, I know you're worried about your brother, but you know, I've done this a bunch of times, and no one…almost no one, has complained."
"The answer is still no," Glenn said, crossing his arms.
Doc Dude patted his arm, "I'm telling you, it's perfectly safe,"
"Don't touch me."
He removed his hands and held them up, "Okay, whatever man. If you really think the concussion is a bad idea, then we'll go with a much easier, safer treatment. Medical cannabis."
A couple people groaned at that and Glenn pointed to the door, "Out, before you kill my brother."
"Dude, I'm trying to help!" Doc explained exasperatedly.
Doc Dude frowned a bit, "Uncool man,"
"Someone needs to leave because it's too crowded in here!" Serge shouted from the corner he had been pushed into.
The armored man held up a hand, "Do I get a say in all this?"
"No," everyone chorused together.
"This looks about right," Funguy the mushroom man said, looking down at an ugly looking mushroom. "Maybe if I eat it I'll get back to normal."
The fungus suddenly jumped up and squeaked, causing everyone to yank out their weapons.
"You wouldn't really eat us, would you daddy?" the mushrooms said in a high-pitched voice all at once.
"Wait, your offspring created by my spores?" Funguy asked dubiously, which made them nod.
"And we're coming with you!" they declared, all running over and circling around his legs.
He sighed, "So much for getting back to normal…"
Doc Dude tapped a finger to his lips, "Not so fast little mushroom dude…don't despair so easily. There might be a way to turn you back."
Funguy perked up and Doc Dude walked around his newest patient a few times and then faced him again, "There's two options,"
Serge rolled his eyes and finished re-securing his weapon, "Aren't there always…" he muttered.
"We could try burning this mushroom skin off with some sort of acid," Doc said.
Funguy's eyes widened, "U-um…I don't think so…"
"Or," Doc Dude said, pausing dramatically, "medical cannabis."
Serge frowned, "No, as usual."
Funguy shifted a bit, "Well, actually, the cannabis doesn't sound so bad…"
"No!" Serge shouted, shaking his head.
The mushroom man glared at him, "Hey, shut up! It's your fault I'm like this anyway."
"No, that was Lynx…" Serge said mechanically.
Funguy and Doc Dude both stared at him.
"That ship has sailed! No more using that excuse!" Funguy said, still glaring.
Serge kicked at the ground in disappointment.
A dragon's skull loomed above them, and Draggy sat beneath sobbing.
Everyone present could feel the poor baby dragon's pain but stayed a respectful distance away to let him grieve and say goodbye.
Everyone but Doc Dude, of course.
"Motherrrrr!" the little dragon said, tears creating a puddle at his feet.
Doc knelt down, "Hey little fire breather, don't despair, I think I have an idea."
Draggy looked up hopefully.
"We'll gather up her bones, and we'll glue them back together."
The dragon gave him a blank stare.
"What? If it can work with Skelly, there's no reason it won't work with your mom!" Doc reasoned.
The dragon burst into tears again and Serge stomped over, snagged the back of Doc's jacket and hauled him to his feet.
"Hey, pirate man, I'm doing my job as a doctor here," he protested.
Serge took a deep breath and didn't let go, "For the last time, I am not a pirate! I wear a bandana, that doesn't mean anything!"
Doc grinned lazily, "Don't worry little man, your secret is safe with me."
"Shut up and leave the poor dragon to grieve in peace!" Serge said, starting to tug him over to the rest of the group.
"But, I didn't even give him the second option I think could work!"
Serge laughed mockingly, "Oh, you mean medical cannabis? Somehow I don't think that's going to help his mother much."
Doc finally freed himself and rolled his eyes, "Not for his mom, dude. For the little fire breather himself!"
Serge sighed in exasperation, "No,"
"Okay," he said, shrugging largely, "whatever you say pirate man, but I'm the doctor here. Anyway, I still think collecting the bones would work,"
Serge looked over, clearly irritated, "None of us get how Skelly is still…alive. I don't think I want to know, honestly. But I can tell you one thing, it's not because of medical cannabis."
Doc glanced over, "You don't know that,"
"Did ya hear about this garbage that Doc has a degree in physiotherapy?" Kid asked, eyeing Doc Dude distastefully.
Serge rolled his eyes, "Yeah,"
"I ain't going within ten feet o' him!" she declared, crossing her arms stubbornly.
Serge shrugged, "I don't know, I was kind of hoping he could figure out why Turnip does…that,"
They both looked over to the veggie warrior who was staring off into the sky with a glazed expression on his face.
"…You know the answer he'll give," Kid teased.
They both said at the same time, "Medical cannabis."
They were all sitting around a campfire one night when someone brought up the fact that they had learned in this world, Serge had been taken to doctors all over and none of them could do anything so he died, unlike in the other world.
"But, wouldn't that mean Doc would know you?" Kid asked in a confused fashion.
Serge looked sideways in a bored expression, "Dude? Maybe, but I'm not surprised I died because he couldn't treat me,"
A few people snickered, including Poshoul, Fargo, Funguy, General Viper and Riddel, Karsh, Zoah and Marcy, Glenn, Orlha and Draggy.
Doc Dude gave them all a weird look, unsure why they found the pirate man's comment so funny. After all, he had helped all of them out in their injuries.
Thinking back to the question at hand, his eyes widened, "Wait, I do remember that night! Yeah, totally…it was righteous…"
Serge made a face, "It was righteous? I died!"
Doc shushed him with a wave of a hand, "Anyone want to hear this story?"
Kid nodded, almost too happily so Doc tapped his chin and began.
"Let's see…it was a dark and storm night…no, for real, it was. Totally…"
Doc Dude had been enjoying taking care of his special pots of medical herbs he had on hand for injuries and sicknesses when his door was smashed open and he was suddenly called upon to work.
The two men that came in had brought a wounded child with them and they quickly explained something about a panther and poison and drowning and something else but Doc Dude's mind was still a little fuzzy from his self treatment so he couldn't track the conversation.
He took his time looking things over and then nodded, glancing up to give his report to the father and his friend.
"Amputation…of the head."
The two men's eyes widened, "What?"
Doc dude held up his hands defensively, "Dudes, calm down, it's perfectly safe."
They still looked dubious so he continued, "I've done it a bunch of times…I think, anyway…I remember doing it…"
He trailed off, thinking back, and was only brought back to the present when his guests tried to take his patient and leave.
"Hey! Dudes, wait up! There's always option number two," Doc said, slipping in front of them.
"Which is what?" The father asked, not sounding exactly thrilled with the situation.
Doc Dude made sure they had no choice but to put the boy down again before answering their question in a mellow tone designed to keep everyone calm.
The mellow tone didn't work.
"You want to give my son drugs? What kind of hack doctor are you!"
Doc winced, "Dude, dude, not so loud…" he whined, covering his ears.
"It's a viable medical treatment…well, not on the main land or in Termina…it's totally illegal there," he explained.
Any further conversation on this topic was cut off as the wounded boy gave a little whimper, diverting attention from Doc Dude for a moment.
He thoughtful tapped his foot, trying to think of how to convince them that his treatments were their best hope. Where else were they going to take him?
Doc walked over and placed his hands on the father's arm, "Dude, I know this is a hard time for you, but I have something important to tell you,"
The man looked up and Doc Dude paused before finishing.
"…We're having a Lau-how tonight and I totally think you should come."
The reaction was pure fury mingled with disbelief aimed at Doc.
He winced again and quickly added, "Look, would you rather you remembered this as the night your son died, or the night you went to a bodacious Lau-how and ate your fill of fish and pork…hey, you can even bring the kid! It's best his last hours were filled with fun and plenty of medical cannabis."
If it hadn't been for the father's friend holding him back, Doc Dude would have been seriously injured.
"How about I remember this as the night I kill you!"
He made a face, "Whoa, don't be a hater, man! Maybe you need some medical cannabis-"
A nearby vase was thrown at his head, making him duck.
"Kill you!" the man shouted again.
But his anger was short lived as his friend rapidly explained they didn't have time and they should leave to find another doctor.
Doc Dude thought he mentioned something about marbles but he wasn't sure what that had to do with anything.
As they left the office, Doc crawled out from under the table he was hiding under and called through the open door, "Dudes! A storm is coming, be sure to hit the radical waves out there!"
With a sigh he shook his head, "Being a doctor is a lot of work…"