** Disclaimer: "ER" is property of Warner Brothers Television, NBC, and all respective producers and cast. I have written this story for fanfiction and nothing else. I am not making a profit from this. This is simply for fanfiction enjoyment. **
Spoilers: All the episodes up until "It's All in Your Head"
Rating: PG-13 for strong language
Summary: Susan's, Rachel's Elizabeth's and Mark's thoughts after "It's All In Your Head." Each one of them are devastated by their own thoughts. If they only knew what the other was thinking…
Acknowledgment: I'd like to thank Lori (SixteenOzs)! Her thoughts have sparked my own thoughts and ideas. Thank you so much Lori!! J
If You Only Knew
It's getting harder and harder to enter our room, Elizabeth. Did you know that? Every time I come home, every time I enter our room, I know you're not going to be there. I lay awake at night, running my hand over your side of the bed. The sheets feel like ice without you. I miss you, Elizabeth. I need you. Ella needs me. Please come home.
I know you want me to send Rachel back to Jenn, but I can't do that. I love Rachel. Rachel is my daughter, and I need to take care of her, even when things go horribly wrong. If I send Rachel away, she will think she is like an object; being passed from one parent to the other when one of us gets sick of her. I'm not about to send her that message. I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I'm sorry for everything; for causing you all this pain; for not listening to you when you told me that Rachel needs more discipline. I wish I could just sit down and talk with you; without raising our voices.
Augh! Damn it! Another one of these headaches…
Mark gets up from the desk he is working at and walks tensely to the Doctor's Lounge. He opens his locker, hiding his face in it while quickly reaching for a medicine bottle.
"Hello, Dr. Greene."
Mark turns around and sees Luka. He quickly shuts his locker before he can get a hold of the bottle, and walks slowly out of the lounge. Luka proceeds to his locker, not noticing anything is wrong.
Mark walks into the men's room and into one of the stalls to wait the headache out. The pain lasts for several minutes before Mark has the strength to stand up and walk out. He first fills out some charts, then stops writing and just stares at the chart on the desk.
Susan has been imploring me to tell Elizabeth and Rachel about the recurrence, but what good would it do? It'll only make things worse. Everything changes when someone knows you have Cancer. You're no longer a person. You're just the poor old bastard who fell victim to Cancer. I've seen it before, and I don't ever want to see it again.
Even if Elizabeth and I resolve things, I would hesitate to tell her. I've already caused her enough pain the first time around, not to mention all that has been happening lately. She's been with me when I was first diagnosed with the GBM; isn't that hard enough? I love Elizabeth. She didn't have to be with me when I was in surgery, but she was there. She's always been there for me, and I want to always be there for her. But I'm not going to be. I'm no going to be there for Elizabeth or Rachel. I won't be with Elizabeth or Rachel this Christmas. I won't be there for Elizabeth when she needs someone to talk to when she has a bad day at work. I won't be there to laugh or have snowball fights with her . I won't be there for Rachel when she graduates high school. I won't be there for her when she graduates college. I won't be able to walk her down the aisle and hand her off to the one she's devoted her heart and soul to.
Sometimes I've been careless and Rachel catches me staring at her. I try to sound casual, and busy myself with making dinner, but I can't help but to watch my daughter, knowing that in 4 months, I will never see her again. When you know you have just a few days to live, you tend to do that. I'm so lucky to have two of the most beautiful daughters in the world, and a wife who I fall deeper and deeper in love with every day.
I'm afraid to even mention this, but maybe it's just easier if Elizabeth and Rachel didn't know about the recurrence until I died. Because if they knew what I knew, they would go through the same torturous thoughts I'm going through now; and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. If they didn't know, it would save them so much pain. Maybe that's the only thing I have control of right now; how much I can soften the agonizing blows to my wife and daughter.