Notes: Somewhat inspired by the style of lord of the land of fire's "Why Tsukune Should Never Eat the Cookies," (or possibly one of his other excellent stories, there are more than a few of them) just shorter and nowhere near as good. In other words, not meant to be taken seriously, so if you do, don't be surprised if I seem largely unconcerned.

Summary: As Moka and Tsukune begin their honeymoon, the other girls are of course feeling disappointed and left out. At least, they are until Kurumu finally realizes that four able-bodied monster girlfriends isn't a pity party: it's just a party waiting to happen.


A Modest Proposal

A Rosario + Vampire Oneshot by

Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)


The wedding of Aono Tsukune and Akashiya Moka was one to end all weddings.

Lord Akashiya had spared no expense, and no one had really expected him to. Monsters from far and wide had converged on the Akashiya castle to attend the event. And assuming one actually was a monster, there were only two oddities about it.

The first was that the groom's parents were not in attendance. Both Tsukune and Lord Akashiya had agreed that it was best that way, Tsukune for his parents' safety, and Lord Akashiya because he was paying and had no intention of inviting any normal humans into his home.

The second was that the bridal party consisted only of family: it had been made very clear to Moka's beloved friends that they were merely honorary bridesmaids (as in if Tsukune's parents had been paying for the wedding, the girls would have been perfectly acceptable for those roles). Moka had passionately pleaded with her father (at least, Outer Moka had), but he had been firm (and more importantly, scary to the point where none of the girls thought to argue with him). Of course, it was not entirely unexpected: Moka's sisters were more than capable, eager, and all vampires. Kahlua, at least, had apologized to Moka's friends for the slight with a sad smile, rib-cracking hugs, and a promise that they were always welcome to call on her for a girls' night out (though considering her line of work, this was highly unlikely). Kokoa had muttered what may have either been an apology or an insult, and Akuha had merely given them her dead stare, which implied that anyone who even looked like they might want an apology would be her next victim.

Moka had at least managed to secure invites for all of her friends and their parents, though this was largely because while Youkai Academy's Headmaster had rated an entire reception table to himself, he had few allies and even fewer friends, so there were plenty of seats to fill there (Gin had even been able to bring two dates).

It was a rather horrible day for Kurumu, Mizore, Yukari, and Ruby: they were at least permitted to attend the wedding and reception, but they also had to watch the man of their dreams marry someone else. Worse, it had finally sunk in for Yukari that her dream of a threesome wasn't going to happen, and she spent most of the day clinging to Ruby, and after the vows were exchanged, weeping into Ruby's lap.

Of all the girls, Kurumu was the most upset, though not for the expected reasons. True, she had lost virtually all claim to her Destined One (Tsukune was too loyal to ever cheat on his wife), but she was a still a succubus. Ideally, she should have been able to move on somewhat and go back to charming others for fun. It did a succubus no good dwell on her own sadness: it made charming rather difficult, and there were only certain men who considered sadness a turn-on. Aside from that, despite any appearances to the contrary in the past, Kurumu cared deeply for all of her friends, and considered it her personal duty to somehow help them get over this terrible loss.

The idea came to her only as she watched Tsukune and Moka board a nightmarish carriage, drawn by a skeletal creature that may, at one time, have actually been a horse, or at least resembled one. Kurumu blinked, swallowed hard, and subtly brushed her hand against Mizore's limp one.

Without really thinking about it, Mizore grasped Kurumu's hand, instantly welcoming any comfort she could get.

"Let's get out of here," Kurumu said, just loud enough to be heard over Yukari's wails. "Clearly we're not going to enjoy this day, but at the very least, we're all going to have fun tonight."

"What did you have in mind?" Ruby asked hopefully, tenderly stroking Yukari's hair. "Something involving whips?"

Kurumu stared at her blankly. "Well, if you insist," she murmured. Shaking her head slightly, Kurumu slipped her free arm around Yukari's shoulders, squeezing her gently. "Come on, midget. Time to get you good and drunk. Or whatever they call it when you feed kids too much candy."

Yukari sniffled loudly. "Maybe if I get drunk enough, someone will want to take advantage of me, and I can still have a threesome?" she whimpered.

Kurumu hugged her a little tighter. "Don't worry, Yukari. You'll get your threesome and then some, I promise..."


Moka and Tsukune enjoyed an entire week of honeymoon bliss.

There had been a tiny hiccup on the fifth day, when Tsukune woke up to find himself pinned beneath Inner Moka, who had then informed him (with a smile that promised both pleasure and pain) that it was now HER turn. But they had gotten through it, as they did all things, together, and Tsukune experienced several new sin-sations (some of which he would never admit to enjoying). It was, overall, a wonderful way to start a marriage, with only minimal cost to themselves: it took several washings before Moka got the scent of sweat (both hers and Tsukune's) entirely out of her hair, and Tsukune was fairly confident that the scratches on his back would fade soon, or, failing that, that they would at least stop hurting in a few days.

On their final day in the hotel suite, Tsukune was packing up the last of their belongings when he heard a loud but muffled thump, followed by a great deal of giggling. He and Moka shared a knowing smile. This particular hotel was famous for its honeymoon suites, and in an odd coincidence, Moka and Tsukune had been booked next door to what was clearly a very energetic, extremely happy newlywed couple, if the noises they'd heard through the wall all week were any indication. They had yet to actually see or meet the couple, however: for obvious reasons, there had been very little thought to leaving the room.

"We should say hello and wish them luck on their marriage before we leave, Tsukune," Moka suggested. "I'm sure they must be just as happy as we are now."

Tsukune smiled as he took her hand. "That's a great idea, Moka. To be honest, I was wondering what kind of monsters they might be. I think one might be a banshee."

Moka blushed and giggled as they stepped out into the hall and knocked on the mystery couple's door. "They probably think the same thing about me, you know."

Tsukune blushed as well. "We could always suggest a few positions for them to try out..."

Moka turned bright red and shushed him as the door began to open. "Hello, neighbors!" she said brightly. "We were... just..." Her voice trailed off as a truly unexpected sight greeted them.

"K-Kurumu-chan?" Tsukune asked softly, unable to believe his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, morning, you guys," Kurumu yawned, rubbing her eyes with a fist. She seemed either completely unaware (or just uncaring) of the fact that she was only wearing a lacy pink bra and panties. "You're probably just on your way out, right?" she guessed. "I wanted to stop by, but the girls convinced me that you might take it the wrong way, me showing up on your honeymoon and all."

"So you didn't come here for that?" Tsukune asked, trying his best not to believe the worst of his succubus friend.

"Huh? Oh, I guess it must seem that way, right? Don't worry, I was on my best behavior. Well, where you two are concerned, anyway. Actually, I think we're going to stay here a few more days, maybe another week."

"Then, you found someone?" Moka asked, trying to sound pleased, but unable to completely hide her concern. "Someone you're already comfortable with spending a week in a honeymoon suite with?"

Kurumu laughed. "Yeah, actually! Funny, right? I mean, it's not like I never considered it before, but I always thought I had a chance with Tsukune, so I never tried it. But now that you two are married, I decided to review my options."

"It certainly sounded like you two are getting along well," Tsukune pointed out. He was now fairly certain who had done most of the screaming.

Kurumu blinked. "Oh, that wasn't me, it was-"

"Kurumu," interrupted a new voice, "you forgot something."

Moka and Tsukune gaped as Mizore came up behind Kurumu, wearing a white bathrobe, which clashed horribly with the witch's hat perched on her head at an odd angle. She gave the couple only a brief glance before poking Kurumu in the ribs. "Ask them if they have anything left in their mini-fridge," Mizore said around her ever-present lollipop. "Ours is cleaned out."

"Y-You're here, too, Mizore-chan?" Tsukune asked weakly.

"I wasn't spying," Mizore said at once, a bit defensively. "And we really are hungry."

"Which reminds me," Kurumu added, and with no further warning, she turned to Mizore, slipped a hand into the snow girl's hair, and yanked her forward.

Tsukune let out a squeak as he watched Kurumu and Mizore kiss passionately for nearly an entire minute. When they finally stopped, Mizore's lollipop was somehow in Kurumu's mouth, which appeared to have been Kurumu's goal all along.

"Now I'm hungry," Mizore muttered, but she made no attempt to get her candy back.

"You two are... together now?" Moka guessed.

"For now," Mizore answered. "We didn't disturb you, did we?"

"We heard screams," Moka admitted.

"Oh, that was-"

"Mizore, it's your turn now!" Yukari said brightly as she bounced up to them in a matching bathrobe, squeezing between Kurumu and Mizore.

"Again?" Mizore sighed. "Hasn't she had enough yet?"

"I guess not. She asked for the claws again."

Shaking her head, Mizore formed twin pairs of thick ice claws on her hands before retreating back into the suite. Seconds later, a shrill scream pierced the air.

"Ruby-san's in there, too?" Tsukune moaned weakly, having recognized that particular scream. He imagined Ruby had to be tied up somehow to reach that volume.

"She's the only screamer here," Kurumu confirmed. "That you can hear through walls. Sorry about-" Kurumu paused as she noticed that Yukari was now openly fondling her thighs. "Um, anyway, do you guys have any food left? We really need to keep our strength up, and I think we scared away the last room service guy. Mizore probably shouldn't have answered the door with all that blood on her hands."

"Blood?" Tsukune whimpered.

"Ruby's really into this punishment game she showed us. Only she gets punished whether she's good or bad, so I guess it wouldn't look good to anyone on the outside. She's always asking for Mizore's claws. I would have used mine, except since they're already red, it would have been hard to keep track of how much blood Ruby was losing. This way is safer, I hope..."

"Tsukune, we should have some food left," Moka said quickly in a tone that was noticeably more high-pitched than usual. "Could you be a dear and check for me?"

Tsukune looked as if he wanted to nod, but had forgotten how. Instead, he turned and walked unsteadily back into their suite.

"You charmed Yukari?" Moka hissed, trying hug the young witch protectively, but with little success (Yukari had immediately wrapped her arms around Kurumu's legs, and was proving surprisingly strong).

"Yes, I did," Kurumu snapped. "With her permission, I might add. Would you care to know why?"

"Why would she ever-"

"It's because she was so heartbroken over losing you both that she was actually considering drinking her troubles away. I decided this was safer for her. And you know something? She's had fun the whole week, and even when the charm fades, she's still happy and has no regrets. So before you accuse me of not caring for my friends, you keep in mind that you two are the ones who smashed her dream. I'm just picking up the pieces, something you could have done if you'd joined us. But you've already made it clear that your marriage trumps our friendship. That's fine, but don't think you can tell me how to help Yukari. You're not my mother. In fact, she's flying out to join us, so if you wait a few hours, she'll tell you that herself."

For a moment, Moka looked furious, and Kurumu feared that, rosario or not, Inner Moka would soon be unleashed. But then Moka looked at the blissful expression on Yukari's face. Clearly, she was still under Kurumu's influence, but Moka could easily imagine that all of Yukari's dreams might have just come true instead. And for all she knew, maybe they had.

"You... you'll take good care of her, won't you?" Moka asked at last.

Kurumu smiled. "Of course. That's the only reason we're here. But if you really want to help out, there is something you could do. You don't even have to come in."

"What?" Moka asked warily.

Kurumu reached out and plucked a single, long, pink hair from Moka's head, causing her to wince. "Oh, poo. My color was off by that much!"

Moka immediately became suspicious. "What are you making Yukari see?"

Kurumu grinned. "Only what she wants to, Moka. Only what she wants to."

Before Moka could lose her temper, Tsukune returned with a basket full of snacks. Kurumu thanked him, passed the basket to Yukari ("Oh, goodie! TOYS!" the little witch shouted deliriously before rushing back into the room), and let out an obviously fake yawn. "Well, I need to get back to them. Mizore went a little overboard with the claws last time. Ruby wanted realism, so I had to charm Mizore so she'd see something she really wanted to rip apart." She paused and beamed at Moka. "Once again, thank you for the lovely contribution, Moka!" She waved the pink hair in farewell and slammed the door in their faces.

"What was-?" Tsukune began to ask.

"It's better you don't know," Moka muttered dully.

"Oh. Well, the bags are packed-"

"We're not going anywhere." Moka grabbed Tsukune and dragged him back into their suite.

"Um, I had a great time, too, but if we stay-"

Moka grabbed Tsukune's hand and closed it around her rosario. "Take it off, Tsukune."

Blinking slowly, Tsukune did as she asked, and was soon faced with Inner Moka. "But why did I have to-?"

Inner Moka's eyes narrowed. "Take. It. Off."

With no small amount of fear, Tsukune got undressed in a hurry. "You're going to hurt me now, aren't you?"

"Eventually. But first, get the blue wig out."

Tsukune blushed as he dug out the blue wig from their suitcases. Moka had been surprisingly eager to role play all week. She had even dressed up as each of their friends. Tsukune had been shocked, but pleasantly so. Only now, he had a very odd feeling that he was going to pay for all that fun he'd had with "other" girls.

"Put it on," Inner Moka commanded once he'd found the wig.

Tsukune stared at her. "Moka?" he asked weakly, with a rising sense of foreboding.

"WHAT did you call me, puny human?" she snapped.

"Moka-sama!" he squeaked.

"Good boy. Now, put the wig on. Quickly."

"Shouldn't we have a safe word first?" Tsukune murmured, sensing he would really need one this time.

"Fine. The safe word is 'busty cow,' Tsukune."

"That... seems like it might make you angrier right now."

"Does it?" Inner Moka asked mildly. "Pity. The wig. Now."


Ruby pouted. "You know, this isn't really fun anymore. I can't even hear myself scream over all the noise they're making, so what's the point?"

"I guess you're right," Mizore sighed, carefully slicing through Ruby's bindings with her claws.

"What ARE they doing over there?" Yukari complained. "There's only the two of them, they were supposed to be leaving, and WE'VE got Ruby! How can Moka be louder than us?"

Kurumu coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "not Moka" before asking if anyone else was hungry again.

The End.


Endnotes:

Don't really have much to add here. Wrote this over a couple of hours today, probably some mistakes, no real excuse for it, except that it's been a while.