The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming
Disclaimer: I do not own KotOR2.
Note: So due to the overwhelming positive feedback on the idea of a sequel for 'So Not My Problem' I decided to write one making this the first sequel I've ever attempted.
The Exile had a name once, a long time ago. Well…long being relative, really. In the history of such an ancient Republic, it was but the blink of an eye. It was, in her ever-so-humble opinion, the best name in the world. Fate had cruelly robbed her of that name ten years ago and now all that remained was her title. 'The Exile.'
Sure, she probably could have picked another name. She was actually quite fond of 'Lilly' but it didn't matter what she called herself because all she would be able to think of herself as was The Exile. When she'd kept calling Revan to tell him the news and he'd finally picked up (after only forty-seven tries, too. She'd really lucked out) he may have pointed out that there was no way that the Jedi could actually enforce either her exile from Republic space – especially as she was a war hero – or the removal of her name but it didn't matter. The Exile respected the Council so if they said that she didn't have a name anymore and couldn't stay in Republic space after a trial where they decided to hold her personally responsible for all the things Revan hadn't done yet then she didn't have a name and couldn't stay in Republic space.
It had really seemed quite clear to her that there was nothing else she could possibly do.
Unfortunately for her, she had just woken up in a Kolto tank and upon going to the nearest console discovered that she had somehow accidentally managed to come back to the place of her exile! Oh, and the other four people in the Kolto tanks around her had all died since all five tanks had been heavily poisoned and she'd only survived due to her extensive poison resistance training. It was all about perspective, though. The Jedi council hadn't ordered those random miners not to die but they had ordered her to not return to Republic space and the Peragus mining facility was owned by the Republic.
She had to get out of here.
Exploring the area around her, the Exile quickly stumbled across a morgue. In it was an old woman who the Exile – always a little frightened at the thought of being accidentally vivisected – made sure was dead by checking her for a pulse, taking her temperature, and testing all of her reflexes. Yes, this woman was definitely dead. The only way that she could be more certain of the woman's death would be if she were to decapitate her but the Exile wouldn't do that because disfiguring corpses went against the Jedi Code…or so she had been told.
The Exile wasn't really sure how the Jedi Masters managed to get so much out of 'There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is the Force.' but then that was why they were Jedi Masters and she'd been exiled.
The Exile glanced over at the other medical slabs in the morgue. Most were empty but the last one held…it held…
"Revan?" the Exile exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe it! No! You can't be dead! You just can't!"
"I'm not," Revan said serenely, not bothering to open his eyes and barely moving his mouth.
"Oh good," the Exile said, greatly relieved. "Because you're not allowed to die. Ever."
"Well, I hate to disappoint you," Revan started to say. He stopped. "Actually, no I don't. I'm completely indifferent to the prospect. But anyway, I do not actually believe it's possible to obtain immortality."
The Exile got that familiar look on her face that indicated that someone had just said something that went against her deeply held and much cherished Jedi beliefs and that therefore she was going to start on a very long, very tedious lecture.
"While you're still alive," Revan continued hastily. "It is impossible to get immortality while you're still alive. Becoming one with the Force or wandering the galaxy as a Force ghost obviously happen after you're dead and so they really wouldn't help with the strange issues you seem to have with me dying."
" 'Strange issues'?" the Exile couldn't believe it. "What could possibly be at all strange about the fact that you are the most incredible person ever and so therefore your loss at any time would be such an unbearable loss that I honestly don't know how the galaxy would get through it."
"You'd manage," Revan said, rolling his eyes. "Or should I say 'you'll manage'? I don't know if you'll outlive me or not but, barring some catastrophic galaxy-destroying event, the galaxy certainly will. The Republic even might for all I know."
"The Republic will last forever!" the Exile assured him.
"You're optimistic as ever," Revan said dryly.
"You can't die!" the Exile said again. "The Republic needs you! The galaxy needs you! I need you!"
"I have no doubt that all of those things are true," Revan told her. "Please have no doubt that I don't actually care. And it's not like I'm planning on getting myself killed anytime soon because that would be extremely inconvenient."
"But then…why are you in the morgue?" the Exile demanded, suddenly appearing to remember where it was that they were.
"I was trying to take a nap," Revan revealed dramatically. "It's not easy when you're surrounded by dead bodies and a half-dead Sith, I'll have you know, but I was bravely trying anyway. And I was doing a pretty good job of it, too, until you started screaming."
"But why the morgue?" the Exile asked again. She couldn't imagine ever trying to sleep around dead people. Perhaps there had been times during the war…but this was peacetime and there had to be better areas…wherever this was. Even the medwing would have been a better choice. Oh, but there were dead people there, too? Well, surely Revan hadn't anticipated that or he would have done something to save all of those people, right? Because that was just the kind of person that Revan was.
"Why not the morgue?" Revan countered, apparently seeing no issue whatsoever with his actions. "I tried other places but T3 was busy repairing the ship and said that I was just getting in the way and listening to the entire facility getting violently killed was really keeping me up. I should have brought some earplugs. Sure, I could have used the Force to block my hearing but not only might that actually be kind of dangerous in case I needed to hear something but I can't keep up Force powers while I'm asleep."
"Th-this entire facility was violently killed?" the Exile asked, a quiver in her voice.
"I did just say that, didn't I?" Revan asked rhetorically. "Look, I know that you just woke up or whatever and this is your first time back in Republic space in ages but if I'm going to take the time and make the effort to explain all of this to you then the very least that you can do is start listening."
"I-I am listening," the Exile protested.
"Then start acting like it," Revan said, sounding deeply skeptical.
"You knew that the…you heard the entire facility being killed and you did nothing?" The Exile couldn't believe it. Then again, she hadn't seen Revan for ten years now. Surely he couldn't have been like that back then, though. The man was a hero who had led the ragtag Republic forces to victory against impossible odds, after all.
"Not true," Revan replied, opening his eyes at last. "I turned on the morgue's noise-filter."
Revan sighed and reluctantly sat up. "You haven't changed a bit An-"
"Don't call me that!" the Exile exclaimed. "You know that I was exiled!"
Revan rolled his eyes. "I really might have known. Although I'll have you know that it took me quite a bit of effort to remember your name and I only did it because I figured you'd yell at me if I didn't. Now I see that I might as well not have bothered."
"There were some people I met who thought my name was 'Meetra Surik'," the Exile confided.
Revan made a face. "Meetra Surik. That is a truly terrible name."
The Exile nodded. "I know. I'm thinking that Malak might have used that as a codename for me or something back in the war because I honestly have no idea why people might think that that's my name. If it ever were my name then I'd seriously have to change it."
"Why bother?" Revan asked her. "You refuse to use your name anyway."
"It's a matter of principle," the Exile explained.
"Ah, those," Revan said disgustedly.
"But never mind that, what happened to the facility?" the Exile demanded. "Why didn't you do anything?"
"Because that would have been a lot of work and no one was here to nag me to do it," Revan explained matter-of-factly. "It was wonderful."
"I know that you cannot possibly be such a horrible person and still be a Jedi and so I'm going to fill in the blanks that the door was sealed and you're too proud to admit that you couldn't have helped them," the Exile announced.
Revan shrugged. "You do that, then. Of course, I've found that 'sealed doors' are usually a lot less impenetrable as people like to think. Still, it does make a handy excuse, I guess."
"And what happened at the facility?" the Exile repeated.
Revan's eyes burned with genuine fury, the first emotion she'd seen on him since entering the room. "My precious HK-47 had his design stolen and bastardized. One of these new 'HK-50's was masquerading as a protocol droid. Since it was obviously an assassin droid, it arranged for everyone here to die. Kind of excessive, I know, but what do you expect from a shoddy knock-off? I think it was trying to take you hostage."
The Exile gaped wordlessly at him.
"There's a bounty on Jedi, you know, and Atris informed everyone that you were still alive and returning to Republic space," Revan continued. "She held a press conference and everything and was also very careful to mention that she's not a Jedi herself and if she were then she'd have died ages ago on Katarr so don't even bother going after her."
"Why would there be a bounty on Jedi?" the Exile asked, confused.
"An old too-smart-for-its-own-good former Republic droid called Goto wants a Jedi to help him deal with the Sith. Unfortunately, the standards for bounty hunters has really gone down in the last five years and so they keep turning up with corpses. It's just as well, though, since he honestly doesn't care which side gets wiped out and is only looking for Jedi as they're cheaper to hire," Revan answered.
The Exile stared at him for a moment before she shook her head. "No, seriously, why is there a bounty on Jedi?"
"If you don't believe that then I don't know what to tell you," Revan sniffed.
The Exile crossed her arms. "You could have just said that you didn't know."
"That would have been a great deal easier, wouldn't it?" Revan mused thoughtfully. "Excellent advice. I think I'm going to have to start doing that in the future. I mean, I'm feeling like bloody Cassandra over here and let me tell you, it's not a nice feeling, particularly when I don't actually care about any of this."
"If there was really a bounty on Jedi, why isn't anyone after you?" the Exile challenged. "How do you know that this 'assassin droid' was after just me?"
"Because my name is Revan and my reputation has gotten a little out of control so that's usually all I have to say before they start praying," Revan explained. "It's very tiresome."
"What are you even doing here?" the Exile inquired. "Last I heard, you were off looking for the remains of the Mandalorian fleet."
"Malak and I became Sith and waged a war of conquest against the Republic that we almost won until Malak decided that it was really getting to be too much work to persuade me to do anything and so he tried to have me killed but the Jedi took me back with them and convinced themselves that I had amnesia. I couldn't be bothered to tell them otherwise even though I still went by 'Revan' and somehow, eventually, I ended up killing Malak and saving the Republic," Revan summarized. "It was awful."
"Oh, I know!" the Exile said sympathetically.
"You do?" Revan asked uncertainly. He really wasn't used to genuine sympathy as most people didn't think his problems counted as real problems.
"Oh, yes!" the Exile exclaimed. "It couldn't have been easy having to kill your best friend like that."
"Oh, and there was that, too," Revan remembered. "I was mostly talking about how inconveniencing all that scavenger hunting and galaxy saving was and how incompetent everyone else was so that they couldn't make up their own minds or do anything to try to save themselves. I mean, I had some friends who were sometimes exceptions but even they had their moments."
"So you're a Jedi again…" the Exile murmured enviously.
"That's…not really the part of the story that most people would focus on but I suppose so," Revan agreed. "Until the Jedi kept making me make public appearances to bolster recruitment and so I went on vacation."
"How long ago was this?" the Exile wanted to know.
"About five years ago," Revan informed her. "And needless to say, things have gone very badly in my absence. The rebuilding is only to be expected but I hardly thought that the Jedi would have managed to drive themselves to near extinction again. I almost understand why Malak joined the Sith…"
"Wait…if you've been gone all this time as well, how do you know all of this?" the Exile asked.
"My girlfriend watches the holonet and sends me annoying messages about how I have a 'duty to save everyone' or something like that. For that matter, so does my replacement best friend," Revan told her.
"Do you have any idea how I got here?" the Exile asked hopefully. "Since you seem to know everything else even though I'm totally reading between the lines here since I'm convinced that you give yourself too little credit."
"We were both on the Harbinger which was supposed to bring us to Telos," Revan began.
The Exile's eyes widened. "B-but that's in Republic space!" she protested.
"Your point being…?" Revan asked politely.
"I can't be here!" the Exile wailed.
"Says who? The Council's all either dead or in hiding," Revan pointed out.
"But the code-" the Exile started to say.
"Is five lines long. Honestly, am I the only person to see this?" Revan wondered. "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane man and that really sounds like it's a lot of work. Come to think of it, I do miss Malak."
"I can't be here!" the Exile repeated frantically, on the verge of a panic attack. "I just can't!"
"Well you are so deal with it," Revan advised. "What did you think was happening?"
"They said that I won a free trip to Illium," the Exile replied. "I did find it a bit odd that a military ship was taking me on a vacation as part of a prize for a contest I hadn't entered but then I thought that it must be the will of the Force and then I just got so depressed thinking about the Force and how I'm not connected to it that I didn't question it. Why were you onboard?"
"They were tripping all over themselves to make me an honorary crew member," Revan explained. "I love being an honorary crew member because that's the kind that doesn't actually have to do anything. Since I needed a lift, I figured why not? Then you were drugged by the HK-50 and Sith attacked the ship. My personal ship, the Ebon Hawk, came to rescue me and Kae came out of nowhere and dragged you onto the ship as well. Then we landed here and once some of the miners decided to sell you to the Exchange, the HK-50 killed everyone to keep you for itself. Mind you, no one would have even known that you were a Jedi if the HK-50 hadn't told them but the new models are kind of stupid."
"You always were so brilliant, Revan," a new voice spoke up.
Since the Exile had been positive that no one else was living in the room, she jumped and spun around. The corpse from earlier was sitting up.
"Zombie!" she accused.
"I'm not a zombie," the woman said, sounding irritated.
"Well you were dead just a few minutes ago," the Exile argued.
"I was taking a nap," the woman claimed.
"You had no pulse, you weren't breathing, rigor mortis had set in," the Exile listed off.
"I am a Je…a Jed…It was the Force," the old woman said, "But never mind that. Revan's told you most of what you need to know-"
"But wait, who are you?" the Exile asked uncertainly.
"That would be Kae, my old Jedi Master," Revan introduced.
"Though I do go by Kreia since the Jedi exiled me for Revan becoming a Sith," Kreia corrected.
"Which makes no sense since it was mostly Malak's doing and my lack of caring," Revan pointed out.
"They thought I should have made you more motivated," Kreia revealed.
"You're not a miracle worker," Revan said consolingly.
"Little did they know that you're secretly the most motivated man in the galaxy," Kreia continued as if she couldn't hear him.
Revan turned his laugh into a cough. "Right. Absolutely. In fact, this is such a secret that it's even a secret from me. Yeah."
"If you got exiled by the Jedi, too, then why aren't you called 'the Exile'?" the Exile asked suspiciously.
"That title appears to be taken," Kreia said dryly. "Besides, I changed my name so that's really the same thing."
The Exile flushed. "Oh, right. So…now what?"
"Now you need to get to the Ebon Hawk so we can get out of here," Kreia informed her. "Good luck."
"You expect me to do that all by myself?" the Exile asked incredulously. "Why can't you come with me?"
"I must rest my mind," Kreia said virtuously. "I was recently dead, after all."
"And that sounds really complicated," Revan added. "But I agree, good luck."
"But you both can use the Force – I think – and I can't!" the Exile objected.
Kreia sighed. "If I reestablish your connection to the Force will you go away and let me catch up with Revan?"
"Absolutely," came the immediate answer.
"Okay, close your eyes and try to remember what it was like when you could actually use the Force…" Kreia trailed off.
"I'm doing but I must warn you that I'm not very good at this whole 'imagination' thing," the Exile cautioned. "I-hey, what do you know! I am imagining it! It's been awhile but I think this feels close enough to what the Force was like!"
"Wait for it…" Kreia murmured.
"By the Force, it's almost as if I really can feel the Force again! But that's just…no way, it can't be," the Exile said giddily.
"And the Jedi have got everyone convinced using the Force is something that requires years of training," Revan said bemusedly.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I think I love you both," the Exile squealed.
"What did I do?" Revan wondered aloud.
"You're Revan," Kreia and the Exile said at the same time as if that explained everything.
"If you fear that someone will take it the wrong way so much that you must issue a disclaimer then maybe you should think of another way of saying it," Kreia commented.
"You're so wise!" the Exile exclaimed.
"Didn't you say something about leaving?" Revan hinted.
"Oh, right. Thank you so much for this! Unfortunately, I feel kind of like I did back before I became a Padawan but I'm sure that with a little hard work, determination, and strict adherence to the ways of the Jedi that I'm sure to get back to my wartime strength in no time!" the Exile said cheerfully.
"Most people would be a little more put-out by all of this," Revan remarked.
"Complaining is not the Jedi way and I know that everything that's ever happened is the will of the Force and can't possibly have occurred any other way," the Exile said seriously. "It's what enables me to forgive everyone I come across, after all, no matter what they've done or will plan on doing in the future."
Revan wasn't a cruel man (that took far too much effort) so he waited until the Exile had practically skipped away before flatly saying, "I think I hate her."