i don't know where this came from, it has been sitting in my computer in a dusty file i only just found while doing a sweep of what i could get rid off, judging by how i had compleatly forgotten it i will say it is old, don't know for sure how old... less than three years but more than one, since i got this computer three years ago and never transfered any files so it has to be younger than the computer.
anyway i kind of liked it so here you go. sort of parental Roy/Ed if you want to see it that way.
I knelt next to the bathtub with the bathroom door locked and pulled up my sleeve to show the pale skin of my left arm, and more importantly to my needs right now the thin blue veins under the skin, then I looked at the small knife I had brought in here with me.
The light gleamed off the dangerous edge of the blade of the knife as I rested it against my wrist feeling a shiver run down my spine as I remembered the last time I had taken a knife to my own flesh, the night I thought a few drops of blood and a handful of chemicals would return my mother to this world. I couldn't help but glance at the locked door as I wondered if I was doing the right thing this time.
I shook my head roughly to clear that thought away, I needed to do this if only for my own sanity. I had already made a point of visiting everyone who I could in Central that I knew, and Al was out picking up the groceries I 'conveniently' forgot to get when I was out. To back out of this now when everything was already set up for this would render it all a mute point.
I took a deep breath and pressed down on the blade as I slowly dragged it against my skin wincing as I saw the thin red line I made and watched the shallow cut well up with beads of blood. I glanced at the door again listening for any sound that would signal someone else being around, before I lifted the blade from the cut and placed it a little higher on my arm and made another shallow cut. Another glance at the door and a pause to listen but the only sound I heard was the drumming of my own heart in my chest, my quickened breathing and the soft sounds of the occasional drop of blood dripping off my arm and into the tub.
I looked at my arm studying the cuts and the knife with its red stained edge before I closed my eyes "damn it" I whispered feeling tears pricking at my eyes before I touched the knife again to my arm preparing to finish the task I had started since I apparently had my answer, though I wondered why I felt so upset with it. I prepared to press down harder than the other two times, hard enough to cut a vein deep enough that the bleeding wouldn't stop until my heart which was pounding loud in my ears stopped as well.
Suddenly the door burst to pieces sending splinters of wood flying in towards me, and as I twisted half way to see what had caused the explosion I pressed down on the knife and dragged it across my arm. I gasped at the sharper pain than the other cuts and quickly ignored the commotion at the door to stare wide eyed at the deep cut I had just made in my arm and the small stream of blood falling into the tub… that was a lot of blood.
I felt light headed and my body felt heavy as I felt myself fall backward. I was dimly aware of a lot of voices, and several sets of hands touching me, catching me before I fell on the splintered remains of the door. My eyes felt as heavy as the rest of my body and I let them close halfway as I tried to put names to the faces and voices swimming in my head. I felt someone grab my wrist and hold it as far above me as my arm would allow, while the sounds of someone rummaging through the bathroom cupboard could be heard in the background of all the many voices.
Some were louder than others, and the tones were of anger, concern, confusion, disbelief, authority, and fear. I couldn't help but smile; now I really did have my answer. I felt a pair of large arms snake under my body and lift me up and carry me from the disaster site of the bathroom before I felt the soft mattress of my bed under my back as they set me down. My head was starting to clear a little, I was still woozy from the blood loss but I was starting to recover my senses at least. I could make out the faces of Al, Mustang, Hawkeye, Hughes, and Armstrong hovering over me, and when I glanced to the side I saw that the rest of Mustang's subordinates were here, as well as Sheska, Ross, and Bloch. I smiled again to myself, everyone had come, that was better than I could have hoped.
Roy looked into the other room watching the figure sitting slouched on the bed with a blanket draped over his shoulders as the others all left. He sighed not really wanting to have the conversation that he was about to but knowing it had to be done, and that was why he had shooed all the others including Alphonse and Hawkeye away for the moment. He entered the room and sat on the bed across from the teen and waited for him to acknowledge his presence, eventually he gave that up and cleared his throat. "Why didn't you talk to someone instead of trying to kill yourself?" Roy growled unable to keep his temper in check anymore, it hurt his pride a lot more than he would ever admit that the boy never trusted him or any of his men with any more than he strictly had to.
Edward looked up at him but remained silent. "Edward, why would you think death was the answer?"
"I didn't" the teen's voice was soft and quiet, but calm and sure at the same time as he looked Roy in the eye.
"… I'm sorry what?" Roy asked, because surly he had misheard.
"I didn't want to die" Edward repeated again calmly.
"So that is why you almost succeeded in cutting open the vein in your own arm?" Roy growled angry again that the boy was taking such a serious think and acting like it was a sick joke.
Edward sighed and looked at the bandage on his left wrist "I did try to kill myself, but it wasn't because I wanted to die, you wouldn't understand if I told you the reason."
"Try me" Roy said sternly.
"You'll think it's stupid, I don't feel like being lectured right now."
"Edward, I am not leaving until you tell me why." Roy said and Edward met his eyes, a brief battle of wills took place before Edward looked away.
"I wanted to know if anyone thought I was worth saving…" Edward whispered softly.
"…" Roy was speechless as Edward returned his gaze to look at Roy for his reaction.
"I told you, you wouldn't understand" he muttered.
"…why" Roy stammered.
"… because, do you know how many people have tried to kill me, either because I somehow personally offended them or simply because I'm part of the military? Do you know how many people have tried to kill me simply because they had some stupid agenda and didn't care who got hurt and I just happened to be there, or they tried to get me to go along with it and I refused?" Edward sighed again "and do you know how many people get mad at me when they hear that I'm supposed to be the 'hero of the people' and yet I can't solve their problems. Or how many people want me to save them?" Edward looked at Roy seriously "I'm not invincible, I'm only human, I try my best to help who I can, but sometimes it seems that there is no one to help me. I just wanted to know if there was even one person who would notice if I acted strange, who would care if I died, who would save me if I needed it…" he looked away again but this time a small if a bit sad smile graced his face "I'm happy with the answer, I never expected all of you to rush here like that… I'm sorry if I hurt any of you with this stupid stunt, but I had to know, and that was the only way I could think of doing it."
Roy stared at Edward in silence for a long time while Edward seemed content to ignore it and stared out the window. "And what if no one had come? Or what if we were too late, and didn't get here in time?"
"I'd probably be dead" Edward said seriously but avoided meeting Roy's eyes.
"And what would Alphonse have done then?"Roy pressed on, determined to make his point, Edward frowned and dropped his gaze to the ground. "How do you think he would have felt, and why didn't you rely on him if what you wanted was to know someone was looking out for you?"
"…I wasn't… I wasn't thinking of him when I did it…" Edward replied, for the first time in the conversation his voice wavered and cracked, "I wasn't thinking alright!" Edward shouted glaring at Roy and Roy saw that there were tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, "is that what you wanted to hear? That I'm still as much of a stupid idiot that doesn't think of the consequences of my actions as I was back when I messed up my little brother's life as well as my own?"
"You did trust us…" Roy whispered to himself, after a long pause, because Roy knew that Alphonse was never not on Edward's mind, Edward was always thinking of his brother, so that left the only reason he had gone through with the stupid stunt was deep down he did trust them all to be there for him, even if he wasn't aware of that trust himself.
push the pretty button, you know you want to, even if it is just to tell me to keep stop scrounging for old things and get writing again!
that one there, follow the arrow to the button.