Hi Guys! So this time, I decided to spice things up a bit with a little bit of comedy and quirk! If you can even call it that! O.o Read on if you dare! Warning for language!
Inspired by a quote in a review I've received by none other than the quirky, hilarious, and most insightful Yohko Bennington. This is for you girl! You cannot tell me you didn't see this coming! ;)
Warning: Spoilers for seasons...hell, all seasons!
Life as Animal Food
By Dean Winchester.
Hello, dear fellow and unfortunate reader!
What you're looking at is possibly one of the most valuable, and influential manuals that any human being –and I use this term loosely- will ever come across. Love it! Cherish it! Lock it in a safe and keep the key close, because after you're done with this, you'll want to keep it handy—that is of course…if you want to survive…
Have I gained your attention yet?
The name's Winchester and I am a hunter.
No, not the type where he –or she- stand in the back of a truck and shoot Bambi while at sixty miles an hour. Why? Because one, I have too much respect for Bambi; and two, what is dear Billy-Bob gonna do when Bambi decides to grow extra long teeth, claws, and an eat-your-heart-out attitude without my skills and knowledge?
That's right…nothing. So Billy-Bob, I do hope you're done sticking your peashooter 12-gauge out of your ass and is listening, because you would be virtually screwed if ever Bambi does decide to come looking!
To simply put it, you're reading the one and only guide, comprised of five lessons, to hunting the Supernatural—hunting real monsters that walk, stalk, and have covert operations on this Earthly plain. And you can bet your sweet ass, we as the human race, are all on the menu!
So without further ado, I give you, the not-so-instructional idiot's guide to hunting the unnatural. And no, I'm not referring to the unnatural as in the three litters of kittens your cat just shit out. Cats breed like Wildfire. Get over it!
Throughout this guide, I'll give you a piece of the life my brother Sam and I live with on a daily basis. It's not a cookie-cutter life, nor is it sweet! Just be glad you have a roof over your head and working locks…though that won't help you any.
Plus I'll also go over some of the main adversaries. Surely I won't be able to cover all of them, because honestly there are way too many to count. Just look up Monsteropedia, and you'll get a clue. But I'll only list the few and many Sammy and I track, discover, and as some people might say, bust a cap in their ass every fucking day!
And I'll be the first to tell you that your nightmares…yeah, they're real. Plain and simple. My father –God Rest his Soul- would probably filet me alive knowing that I'm telling you this…but considering we're all going to Hell someday, I might as well prepare you on what to do if -and when- Hell comes bursting through your front door one night.
Yep, you name it. Vampires. Werewolves. Changelings. Wendigos (I know what you're thinking: what the fuck is that? Look em' up in the Anazazi legend catalog and stay near fire, and don't piss off Smokey!). Demons. Angels. Ghosts. And the list goes on and on. They're all real…but the best part is, they all can be killed. Part of my memoir/manual is to tell you exactly how to spot these bitchy creatures and how to put a bullet in between their eyes!
Now there are a few obvious ones out there that are not real… *cough* David Copperfield *cough*… and most of them you can find as action figures at your local toy store. For instance:
…Nope, sorry kiddies. The only thing you'll ever find in regards to the Tooth Fairy in this day and age is a drunken homeless man wearing a tutu that'll drill out and take all your teeth. But at least he does leave the quarters…I've counted thirty-seven so far…
However, there are real fairies out there, and they make you believe aliens abduct you. When in reality you're taken as slaves for Candy-Land! But that's okay. All you gotta do is pizza-roll them in the microwave, and E.T. your way back home!
…Come on, you gotta admit, seeing a freaky-ass giant Lizard take on the Empire State Building…and win! That'd be so cool! Don't ask me how to take on this dude! *scratches head* You got me there!
…Let's face it boys and girls, there are a ton of hairy douchebags with claws out there…but this guy! Unless he's a girl-drink drunk who loves Skin-Mags that continually robs the downtown liquor store, he…does…not…exist. Cuz if he did, I would have heard about it by now. *wink*
…Yep, fake. Totally fake. Trust me, I know! I've only ever looked for the guy for nine years, and had to cover for the bastard by lying to my kid brother, saying that the presents I stole from a girl's house down the street was from the fat cookie-eating lard! The bitch owes me a Malibu Barbie, FYI.
The legend of Chris Cringle still sticks…but you won't ever see a fat guy slide down your chimney with a shit-ton of presents…unless its your neighbor dressed up all in red as he leaves your mom's room when your dad comes home and proceeds to think the only way to escape the wrath of said dad is by getting stuck as the chimney sweep. Too bad he didn't think about the back door!
…And last, but certainly not least…fucking Teletubbies!
…Well, for the time being, we'll keep the TB's in the monster category, and I suppose for that matter, that damn Fabric Softener Teddy Bear too. Come on! You cannot try to convince me that they're not creepy! With those large, bulbous, I-Will-Never-Blink Stares!
Bingo! Now officially on my hit list!
Okay, intro's spent. Let's get started, shall we?
Lesson One: Life as a Hunter.
"It's like a freaking frat party of supernatural creatures. 'Hey, let's go to Bobby's house. There is fresh Hunter A La Carte and Angel Chicken Wings.' Yum. Yum." ~Yohko Bennington
The above statement was given by a dear friend of mine –who I just recently found out has weird obsessive thoughts about me either naked or is nearly turned into a shisk-ca-bob- and what she says hits the mark!
This is no cakewalk!
Seriously, if you ever consider becoming a hunter after this, I will personally make a trip out of my way to find you, and beat some sense into you! This is for your benefit. This is not a promotion.
In this section, you'll find the nitty gritty basics in Being a Hunter 101. Basically all the crap you're gonna need to know if ever you want to face Barney Badass with an affinity for mystical powers…or you can continue to be part of the fifty percent of the population who likes to remain dumb. It's your choice… ;)
No joke! Sammy can attest to this, the life sucks! You don't get paid. You hardly get laid! You're constantly labeled as crazy –of course, I don't deny that. You're incessantly avoiding the cops. And the myriad and sometimes creative insults are just icing on the cake.
Now I've received my fair share of insults throughout my lifetime. Sam has too! Stuff like "You're Gay", "Jerk", or being even referred to as douchebags like "Emperor Palpatine" or "John McCain". But I think my personal favorite would have to be "You're a maggot inside of a worm's ass." How much lower can ya get than that?
So really? The charm never stops in the job.
And the only benefit, maybe, is that you feel good on the inside for saving a life or two (because, let's be honest, that's the only reason why I haven't called up the nuthouse and have myself checked in with padded walls and extra bars). Because there are innocent people out there who do need our help…and since we have a whole arsenal of badass weaponry, might as well put em' to good use!
Okay, that's another benefit. You get to carry a gun, kill the bad guy, and you get to blow shit up! Win. Win.
However, trying to be the American badass for all your life…it gets old after a while. I know! My brother and I have been hunting since infancy, ever since a demon snuck into our house and killed our mom. The fugly bitch bought it years down the road…but the problem was we were exposed to the Supernatural world. And once that taste is in the back of your mouth, you might as well accept it. 50,000 gallons of mouthwash won't even get rid of it! I tried!
That was a gruesome night for us. Our lives had changed in the course of a single moment. A demon, a dude by the name of Yellow-Eyes –I know, really? How catchy?- came into my brother's nursery one night. My mom had passed by and saw someone standing over Sammy's crib. And my mom was a fighter. Once realizing it wasn't my dad, she had come in to stop it. Now I don't know exactly what had happened –I was four at the time- but my Dad raced into the nursery after hearing her scream. He found her on the ceiling, eviscerated, and in near-death.
Freaked out yet? Hope not, because it gets even gorier.
Not only was she pinned like a rag doll after Sue-Ann goes all Hoodoo, but the demon then set her on fire, encasing the entire house all in a blaze. My dad handed me my then infant brother and had ordered me to run out the door, while he tried to pull my mom off the ceiling.
Needless to say, he wasn't successful.
It pains me deeply to write this. And usually I would be caught dead talking about her like this, since it took me a good twenty-two years to open up about her. But in all seriousness, now that I'm well into my thirties, I think my mom would want me to mention it, stress the point that there are evil beings out there, and they won't just stop at pinning mothers onto ceilings and burning them like a fucked up version of a stake! There are monsters out there –even humans- that love to torture, love the sight and smell of blood, love flesh. And for a lot of them, at the mere sight of you, the dinner bell's ringing!
So as a brave man from the Hood once said: Hide your kids. Hide your wives. Hide your husbands, cuz they eating everybody!
Alright! That was a little doctored up, but you get the gist!
And that brings me to my next point; another reason why we've done this for all these years. Two things: Revenge, and My Dad. Still love the man, though he did drive my brother and I nuts from time to time. But ever since he personally saw my mom flambéed, he took it upon himself to exact that sweet revenge. And if I could do it over, I would follow him again, knowing what I know now. Sammy wouldn't be so inclined, but he's gotten over it.
My dad was a Marine. Semper Fi! And he taught me everything I know and then some. I mean, I won't be coy about it I worshipped the guy. He knew his shit. He taught us how to hold a gun, how to work it, how to clean it, how to hunt and track using military tactics, how to survive in seemingly impossible situations (that's how we're still whole and alive and kicking today…albeit barely), and how to escape out of dangerous circumstances (like the time my brother and I were kidnapped by a damn shapeshifter and we had to McGyver our way out of it…or when we were cornered in by the Feds in that bank in Milwaukee. Shit! I shouldn't have told you that! All well! The guy's dead anyway!). So the best thing, really, is if you have a Marine on close-hand…take notes!
Plus, my dad also was extremely resourceful…and so you should be too. Now I'm not saying you should do this, but he was pretty skilled at Hustling. Hey! Hunting the Supernatural is not exactly a Pro-Ball career, and you gotta eat sometime. Besides, fun or work! I'm leaning towards the fun way of making money! You need to know how to bluff anyway…because that will come into play much later on; especially in fooling the cops into giving you answers that might help you solve a particular case.
What my dad envisioned as the glorious life of hunting nasty monsters weekend and week-out, ended up being cheesy motel rooms and bad roadside diners for Sammy and I. He took us all over the country, finding dead-beat towns, the insane and the dead in those towns, and went about detective work in solving who the culprit was and chopping their head off. So I guess all those crappy police shows –there are over a good three hundred of them now. Take your pick- pay close attention to some of the questions they ask, how they differentiate human from non-human evidence, and overall what exactly makes the crime human. In most cases, it's pretty damn obvious. But in others, not so quite.
Hey! It takes years to develop these kinds of skills. Most Americans don't have the time, patience, or funds to do this—especially in this damn economy. So really, think about the long-term consequences before you consider the life.
Now if ever you do find yourself in a petty predicament where a supernatural creature stalks into your house, either slashes you or your family, and you're left with what we had? Yeah, first things first…you need to acquire a weapon. Grenade or Bazooka would be better. But if need be, a bowie knife and or .45 will work just fine!
(Don't worry: I'll let you know which weapons to use on each creature. But for starters, either a knife or gun will work!)
Second off, you need to learn how to use the designated weapon. Amateurs only make it so far. Just ask my late buddy, Ritchie! So if I were you, I'd pay a membership fee for the local gun-training, weapon specializing YMCA, because, trust me, if you're caught in hand-to-hand combat against a witch, demon, or the like without fully knowing how to use your weapon…then, you might as well splash some seasoning over your bad self and stick your hiney-hole into the oven and/or grill…because a juicy sirloin is basically what you're about to become. Comprende!
Thirdly, you need to know the certain methods of protection. Charms work, typically ones in the form of a pentagram (The pentagram actually means "protection" for all of you Satan-fearing people. That's right! It's a Supernatural Condom! Besides, it's really not going to protect you from Satan himself. My brother and I know from experience that Lucy is going to kick your ass regardless. But the charms can protect you from his evil henchmen! ;) )
Also, you're gonna need a crap ton of salt! Salt! Salt! Salt! Chisel it into your forehead if need be.
Yes, and I do mean, the condiment. Not Angelina Jolie. You see! Those little shakers do have another purpose!
Believe it or not, those tiny Sodium-Chloride particles actually dispel most spirits (i.e. pissed-off ghosts), demons, witches, and Succubae…I think! Whatever! It's saved our asses more times than we can count.
So wherever you are, encircle yourself within a ring of salt –and no demon or ghost can touch you. Apply the salt on your windows, beneath your doors, or around your Devil's Trap (*more info on this in Lesson Three). It's a sure thing….
…Unless a freaking storm punches out the damn window and blows the ring to smithereens. This has happened to me…*pauses while counts*…two hundred and thirty-eight times. So my advice to you, keep the container near. In fact, build it a harness on your belt. You never know.
Also it would be a good idea to update those language skills…in this case, you might want to refresh upon that Latin. Huh? What did I just say? Yup! Clean out the wax in those ears, because I'm not stuttering. Latin. The only way to blast a demon back to Hell is to give an exorcism…and they are all in that dead language!
*Pats finger against chin* Though I haven't tried it in Pig-Latin. Memo to self: use Pig-Latin on Meg next time you see her!
So you see? There's a lot to it.
Recap: weapons and weapon training. My Dad kept an entire volume of guns and knives and a few artillery, that I know is illegal in all fifty states but Puerto Rico, and he had trained my brother and I on how to fight…American-style, not pseudo kung-fu style by Jackie Chan. Funnily enough, most hunters don't think they're going to get that close. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news for ya there sport, but sometimes the clowns with the angry hairdo do actually gain the hand up, and if you don't know how to throw a single punch…then what the fuck are you doing here?
Keep those protection charms and spells (if you know any) on standby. Almost all of the time, you're going to need it for yourself, your family, and on occasion, your car. My Baby is packing 24/7. Don't hate.
And remember to practice those Latin speaking skills. Trust me! No demon is going to mess with your ass harshly once you got the skills. Peace out Buttercup!
And lastly, this is the most important point and tactic that every hunter needs to know. DON'T LOSE YOUR HUMANITY!
You lose that; in my eyes, you're no longer human. What I mean by that is sometimes hunters may become obsessed with the job. To the point where nothing is important to them anymore, but tracking down and killing off Bobo. They dismissed their family –some of whom I met actually uses their family as bait. Others have no friends, therefore lose their social skills and literally become outcasts…which doesn't help the whole sociopath theory. And those who do become consumed by the hunt are nothing more but machines with no conscience, and soon forget what they were fighting for in the first place.
In the beginning for our family, it was revenge for our mother. But even after we had our revenge in frying the sucker, we continue to fight, to hunt, and have lost our former lives, for a better cause and that was to save the human race. Yeah, I know, lame and clichéd answer, right? But we found a better reason for continuing this harrowing and life-sucking job. YOU! We stick with it to save you guys! To prevent certain families from going through the same thing ours did. And that in itself is worth fighting for. Most other hunters forget that…and eventually become enemies of humanity.
Now I'm not going to mention any names, but there was a guy –who was, and still is, really close to me- that did that, became someone else; became a monster so-to-speak. He soon realized his ways and made a complete 180…but the damage he had created was irreparable. Still to this day, he continues to strive to make amends, redeem himself for what he had done. I've already forgiven him. But he still has yet to forgive himself. And honestly, I doubt he ever will.
Ooh, we're getting deep here! Let's move on to the creatures and how to kill them, eh? Get ready ladies and gents, this is where the fun starts…
So? What do you think? Keep going and have Dean's opinion on the different How-To lessons, or just call it quits right here? It's up to you!
Also, I kinda want to make this fic sort of interactive. If you want to partake in this, leave me a review. Tell me a little bit about yourself, why you love Dean, Sam, or the show in general, and leave me a quirky, snazzy comment like the one Yohko made…and maybe I'll put it into the next chapter and give you a shout-out. ;)
Next Lesson: Vampires
So, worth a try? Let me know!