DISCLAIMER: I neither own Glee nor the characters. They are the property of Ryan Murphy and FOX. This is purely for fun. Enjoy :)
A/N: What you are about to read is pure, unadulterated nonsense. I've never written in the first person before, and this is literally a zombie-Glee fic that someone prompted me to write on Tumblr. But hey, what the hell? The Super Bowl episode was epic.
The Zombie Apocalypse of Lima, Ohio
It wasn't every day when your hometown became ground zero for a zombie apocalypse. Seeing as my hometown was Lima, Ohio, aka, the middle of bumblefuck nowhere, the only time I heard the word zombie was around Halloween, or when people complained that there wasn't enough zombie action on The Walking Dead. They had never been anything more than a fantasy.
Until hell broke loose on Earth and people started dying.
Then coming back to life.
No one knew what had triggered it. Not even now, months after that chaotic nightmare had ended and we were brought here, to the CDC. Things are almost back to the way it used to be on the outside, but quarantine sucks, and I know I'm going to be here for a while so I figure I should let all of it out, you know? Rachel would have called it "cathartic," even though I'm probably spelling that wrong. I should have paid a lot more attention to Rachel, back when things were easy.
Rachel. I wish I could see her again, just one more time.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is, that I would take on a million slushies straight to the face if it meant I could get a taste of my old life back. Do sighs translate on paper? Sigh.
Anyway, my name is Finn Hudson, and you're reading this because I survived.
It happened so suddenly, that it felt like someone had shaken the earth until the rock shattered and Lima fell right through the cracks. One minute the town was the same old boring shithole that it had always been, and the next it was swarming with zombies. Funny enough, the reason why we all survived the initial outbreak, was because we were at glee rehearsal.
It was the week before Nationals, and we were so damn happy that we had gotten so far as to prepare for a National championship that we didn't mind practically living at the school during Spring Break. Everyone was working harder than ever before, and we were pushing ourselves to the limit during every rehearsal. Kurt had transferred back to McKinley, and we all felt like we were a team again, no matter what had happened between us all in the past. Nationals was the goal, and we weren't going to stop until we could feel the trophy in our hands.
So what if we didn't notice the news reports, or see all the people packing up their bags and leaving town? Who could blame us if the roar of the tanks went unheard while we were obsessing over dance steps and solo arrangements?
Yeah, we all royally screwed that up. To be honest, not a lot of other people were paying attention either, which was why there were so many of them when they all "woke up." But because we were all shut up inside of the school for 12-15 hours at a time, we just didn't notice them until it was too late.
It was a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. It was Spring Break; the Cheerios in particular were cranky that they were missing out on the team trip to Cabo so they could practice for Regionals, but the general mood was positive. I could feel Quinn's death glares digging at me from across the room but I tried to ignore them as I focused on getting the dance steps right for our big number. We had dated for a little while recently, but things didn't work out, again, and I was trying not to let it bother me all that much. In fact, while I was trying to get my footwork right, I was also trying to stealthily steal glances at Rachel, the other ex, who was practicing runs with Mercedes across the auditorium. Things between us weren't great after we had broken up the second time, and she'd seemed to have lost all interest in me as a boyfriend after I'd started seeing Quinn again. Things with her were always a roller coaster, but I did miss her. I missed her way more than I wanted to.
But she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. In fact, she seemed to be completely over me, something that I had always thought was impossible. For weeks, I had been trying to get her to practice with me alone, and even mentioned a duet that we could work on together for glee, but she always brushed me off, and actually got a bit annoyed with me. It was like I could see it written in her eyes, staring me in the face: I don't need you anymore, Finn. Get over it.
I didn't like that feeling. I wanted her to need me again, I wanted that connection back. Unless we were in a crowded room, however, she would barely even look at me. Besides, did I really want to go from Quinn, to Rachel, back to Quinn, then back to Rachel? What was the point in bouncing between the same two girls who seemed to have more control over my heart than I did?
So, yeah, anyway, back to zombies, because this isn't supposed to be a little girls diary, it's supposed to be a nail-biting tale of survival and zombie ass-kicking. We were at rehearsal and were about to take a break when we heard it: the sound of helicopters, flying low over the school.
"Alright, what the hell is that?" Puck had been complaining that he'd heard some noise outside of the for about 20 minutes, but never got off his butt to check what it was. When we all started to hear it too, we got curious.
"Come right back, guys, we still have to get through the second half of the number." Mr. Schuester followed us out into the hallway while we searched for the source of the noise. I was so preoccupied with making sure Artie made it up the ramps by himself that I didn't see Puck stop short, and walked right into him.
"Dude, move your ass!" I said it as a joke, but no one laughed. I finally looked up to see what had stopped them all so suddenly, and what I saw will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life.
Men in uniforms, holding giant weapons, were entering the corridors of the school like it was the beginnings of World War 3. Their guns were massive and their eyes were hard and cold like steel. Three soldiers had their rifles already pointed up at us, right in our faces, and my heart froze when I saw that Rachel was standing in the front, with her hands held up high like she'd been caught robbing a bank.
"Please, don't shoot! I can't win a Tony if I don't have a face!" I wanted to somehow shield her from the soldiers, but she was too far away from me, and I couldn't get to her. I saw Mr. Schue standing in front of Brittany and Santana with a gun to his temple, and everyone else who didn't have a loaded weapon pointed in their face was standing completely still.
No one moved. No one breathed. I thought my heart would never beat properly again. I thought I was going to die. I thought everyone in my little mismatched glee family would die there with me. Instead, Rachel's proclamation had informed the soldiers that we were not "one of them."
At least, to them, we weren't yet.
They brought us back to the auditorium and separated us by gender, making us take a blood test and fill out paperwork for what seemed like eons. I was worried that they were going to keep us apart and that didn't sit well with me. I didn't want to let Rachel, or any of the glee girls for that matter, out of my sight. Whether we were dating, friends, or riding that fine line between awkward and normal, those girls will always be like the sisters I never had, and they needed protecting.
Thankfully, they brought us all back together after the tests came up negative for infection. It took them a long time to explain to us what had happened to the town. All the remaining residents who hadn't been infected were evacuated to a secure location outside of Cleavland for the time being. My mom, Burt, pretty much all of our parents were gone. Mr. Schue tried calling Miss Pillsbury, but she didn't answer. The town was deserted now besides us glee kids, and for good reason. At that point in time, the virus was secluded to our tiny rural region of Ohio, so as long as they could keep all the zombies contained in town, they could set up a perimeter and start getting rid of the "Z-B's," as they liked to call them. It sounded a lot more militant than zombies, and it rolled off the tongue.
Our responses to the life-changing news were mixed.
"This is the coolest thing that has ever happened to me!" Puck, of course, was thrilled.
"My future career is over! Who cares if I have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame if there are people's brains splattered all over the place!" Rachel was panicking.
"So, wait, I can't pet the zombies?" Brittany was confused.
"If I get entrails on my new scarf, I will go medieval on those undead bastards." Kurt was cautious.
"We have to do something." I, as always, was trying to fix things. Be the hero.
Fat lot of good that did me.
Everyone was staring at me and I tried to make myself look as big and intimidating as possible. No one looked like they bought the act. "Finn, I know you think you can help, but we are talking about the living dead, and they want to eat your brains. This isn't the halftime show at the championship game, Finn. This is real." Mr. Schuester was always trying to protect us, but this was bigger than all of us put together. This was life or death. This was freaking zombies, and I'd seen enough horror movies to figure out the many possible outcomes if things went wrong. None of them were pleasant in any way.
"I know, which is even more of a reason to stand up and fight!" I wanted to get out there and kill some zombies! Puck pumped his fist in the air, clearly excited and on my side. The perfect wingman.
"You are going to get yourself killed, idiot." Santana, as per usual, was a cold hard bitch.
"No. Finn is right." Imagine my shock when Rachel stepped forward in my defense and stood right next to me with her arms wrapped tight around her midriff. "We have to do something. Lima is our home, and we can either get shipped off to Cleaveland and wait there helpless, or make sure the problem stops here while we have the chance." For the first time in what felt like ages, she looked up and smiled at me while the rest of the group stared at her, slack-jawed. "We should do something to help." We shared a small, quiet moment as our eyes locked, and it felt good to know she still supported me after everything that had happened. I felt more confident than ever as the rest of the group exchanged worried looks.
"Guys, it's time to go back to zombie boot-camp."
Zombie boot camp was a lot different this time around.
This time, instead of acting like zombies, we had to learn how to kill zombies. The military was using the school as a rendez-vous point, and they allowed us to stay and help them, so all we had to do was stay vigilant throughout the school's perimeter while the army went on patrols around the town. We would only be left alone for about an hour, but that was more than enough time to become over-run by the reanimated corpses of the Lima townsfolk. We were still civilians, but were given axes, bats, and nightsticks to practice protecting ourselves. I don't think anyone even knew how to shoot a gun, but I wished we'd had one just in case. Nothing killed zombies more efficiently than a bullet to the head, and the army guys said the brain had to be damaged for the Z-B to die. The girls, who had taken archery in gym, had bows and arrows, and were currently practicing on the far end of the gymnasium while I worked on combat fighting with the guys.
Puck and Mike were sparring while Artie tried swinging the heavy axe around in wide arcs. We decided to give him the strongest weapon because he had the biggest disadvantage, and I looked at my bat with unease. We needed guns, but where were we going to get them? Maybe if it got bad enough the army guys would let us use some of theirs, but I really hoped it wouldn't get to that point. Rachel shot a perfect bullseye from across the gym and the girls all congratulated her on her precision. Whether it was hitting a high F or slaughtering zombies, Rachel was always going to kick ass at whatever she did.
I worked on sparring with Mr. Schue while Sam tried to teach Kurt how to swing the bat like he meant it. Kurt looked as if the bat was wearing white after labor day, he was so appalled with the weapon and what was expected of him.
"Do I look like I know the first thing about killing zombies? I can't even kill an ant. I step on them but apparently I'm not heavy enough to cause sufficient damage." He swung the bat around again, and I knew deep in my gut that if a zombie attacked right this minute, Kurt would not be able to handle it. We needed to practice on a real target.
"Yo, Puck!" Mike and Puck froze in the middle of their faux-fight and Puck came running over to where Kurt was practicing with Sam. "Come with me. Mike and Sam, help out Kurt, he needs to put some force into it."
"I don't do force." I had to resist rolling my eyes.
"Pretend you're fighting off someone for a scarf at the Nordstrom winter sale." Kurt got an evil look in his eye and turned to the other boys.
"Step away from that caramel-colored cashmere wrap you ugly tramp! That's a fall color and it will wash you out!" Kurt started to swing around the bat wildly while the boys ducked for cover. I tapped Puck on the shoulder and tried to escape unseen.
Unfortunately, Rachel sees everything.
"Just where do you think you're going?" She stepped in front of me and Puck and totally blocked our way out. I rubbed the back of my neck while trying to avoid eye contact.
"We're going to go find some tools to help us practice." I looked Puck in the eye and he nodded once, clearly on the same page as I was. I looked down at Rachel and she was starting at me with suspicion written clearly on her face. "Just make sure everyone is practicing and we'll be right back." She crossed her arms slowly and Puck stepped around her to enter the corridor. Before I was able to leave, she grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and stopped me dead in my tracks.
"Please be safe, Finn." Her eyes were practically begging me and I did nothing but nod like a dumbass. She let go of me, finally, and walked back to the group of girls without another word. I saw her fixing Tina's posture and stance and the girl was able to shoot almost as well as Rachel. Puck finally came back for me and pulled me away from the rest of the group.
We had to go find some zombies.
We didn't have to go far to find them. Half the troops that were stationed at the school were gone on patrol, so the perimeter of the school wasn't as protected as it should have been. We poked our heads around each corridor and were lucky to find them all empty as we made our way to the back entrance. They wouldn't be very happy if they knew we lured zombies into their "base".
"Alright, this is the plan. Wedge the door open enough that we can get back inside, because I'm sure the doors are all locked." If they got trapped outside they were going to wind up as zombie food. "We're going to try to lure one of them into the school so we can use it for practice. I don't think anyone knows what we're up against here, and we need all the help we can get."
"By letting one of those things inside? You're gonna get us all killed!"
"Trust me! Haven't you ever seen Zombieland?" He didn't answer me as I crept out of the back doors of the school. It was almost sunset, and the teacher's parking lot seemed eerily quiet. We walked around to the front of the school and still didn't see a thing.
That was when I saw my very first zombie.
"Holy shit!" Puck's low exclamation caught the attention of the walking corpse, and he turned his head around slowly to face us. As the waning sunlight his hit face, I got a good look at it as it writhed and spasmed.
I thought I was going to throw up.
Half of his face was just gone; his jaw was dangling off of it's hinge and it's tongue just hung there without any support at all, wagging around with each movement. The skin was peeling away from his face in layers and he was missing an entire arm. His eyes were just sunken holes in his face, and he stared at me and Puck for a good ten seconds before he dragged his body closer to us, step by step.
And the smell. Oh God, the smell. I would die happy if I never had to inhale that stench again in my life. Now that it was in front of us and staring us right in the face, we no longer felt like invincible badasses.
We felt like toddlers who wet their diapers and wanted their Mommies.
"Um, maybe this wasn't such a great idea." I whispered, feeling like a fool. We started to walk backwards, keeping our eyes on the zombie that was inching itself closer to us, when we heard a low growl behind us.
Slowly, we turned our backs to the lone zombie, only to face a heard of zombies so huge I couldn't tell how many of them there actually were. All of them stood directly in front of the door we had slightly wedged open. They started to accumulate in the parking lot, not even 20 feet in front of where we were standing, and they all looked pretty damn hungry.
"We have to get them away from that door." I whispered to Puck, but he had his own interests in mind.
"Retreat!" Puck screamed, and ran completely in the other direction, towards the front doors of the school. The sudden sound and movement created an atmosphere so chaotic, it looked like hell was about to break loose. They started to come right for me and I ran after Puck as fast as humanly possible.
Unfortunately for me, a hungry zombie is also a fast zombie.
They all moved a lot quicker than the single, lone zombie had moved just seconds ago, and they were catching up to me as I pumped my legs faster and faster back towards the school. Puck was by the front entrance of the school, pounding on the windows and waiting for me to catch up to him.
"Move it jackass, you're about to become an appetizer!" I was so going to hit him if I made it back into the school alive. It felt like my lungs were on fire and I was running at full speed, but I could still sense them all behind me. The smell was overwhelming all of my other senses and we were stuck outside with no way of getting back in. Puck gave up on the front doors and tried to run towards the football field, but another huge crowd of zombies were already accumulating on the 50 yard line. Where was the military during all of this? Weren't they supposed to be patrolling the town, and keeping us all safe?
There was no way to get back around to the wedged entrance, and the mob of zombies were closing in on us fast. I looked at Puck and we shared a small fist-bump; a throwback to the more simpler times of our friendship, when all we had to worry about were competitions and championship games. Now we were going to die.
"It's been good knowing you, douche." Puck smiled at me while we faced the hungry mob, ready to meet the maker.
"Yeah, it's been real."
We closed our eyes and waited for them to start gnawing away at our flesh when two strong hands came out of nowhere and pulled us into the safety of the school. We were so shaken and disoriented, that we couldn't even tell who had been our savior until a familiar voice floated through the deserted halls of the school.
"Well well, it looks like I just saved you two meat-heads from becoming Human Steak Tartare." Imagine my surprise when the one and only Sue Sylvester pinched us both by the ears and started dragging us through the hallways like we'd been caught smoking pot in the boy's bathroom. What was she even doing here? Shouldn't she have been evacuated with the rest of the town?
She dragged us back into the gymnasium still pulling us by the ears, and all the other glee clubbers froze in shock when she made her grand appearance with us in tow. She told them all how she'd found us; humiliating us and earning me a slap to the face, courtesy of Rachel.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"You told me you were going to be safe. You could have been killed! You could have become one of them!"
"I wanted us to practice working with the real thing! We're gonna end up dead if we don't learn how to fight properly, and the military won't let us do anything to help!"
"Well, lucky for us the military is gone!" Sue exclaimed with unadulterated joy and we all stared at her, confused and stunned.
"What did you just say, Sue?" Will stepped forward, concerned, while I rubbed my stinging cheek.
"Oh William, you know how much I value my friendship with the Secretary of Defense! He called me, personally, concerned for my safety after he ordered this town to be wiped clean of the zombie population by any means necessary." She breathed in deeply while we all gasped in shock. "I love the smell of Napalm and fear in the morning."
"But what about us? They told us we could stay here!"
"Yeah, and you were all dumb enough to agree! Any intelligent, normal individual would have gotten on the convoy to Cleaveland, but no, not the precious glee club. Were you planning on bashing their heads in with the sounds of your singing?"
"Stop it, Sue." Mr. Schue warned as Tina started to cry.
"How will you be able to shake those jazz hands if they've been gnawed off?"
"I said that's enough!" Mr. Schue stepped forward and got into Sue's personal space. "If you think we're so stupid for staying, then why aren't you on the convoy as well? What are you doing here at the school if you had the chance to go with the rest?"
She stared Mr. Schue down with a violent look in her eyes and a sinister smile. "You should be thanking me, you know? I was able to get Mr. Secretary to send one last chopper here to pick up the remaining stragglers before they nuked the hell out of this town, and this is how you treat me? I am appalled." She stepped away from him and patted his head condescendingly while we all looked on in silence, convinced that our final memories of Lima would be watching Sue fight with Mr. Schue. "Besides, I have enough weapons stashed in my office to form my own militia, and I wanted to be able to protect myself for the next few hours until the chopper lands on the roof of the school. If you'll all agree to make me your official "Survivor Queen," maybe I would be willing to share." She looked around at all of us glee clubbers and we couldn't even muster the energy to say no. Sue might have been a terrible person with a personality like sand paper, but she wrote the book on kicking ass and taking names and we had to trust her.
No really, she even signed my copy of "How to Kick-Ass and Take Names." It's a bestseller.
"Sue." Mr. Schue stepped forward again and stood in front of Sue with his arms wide open, more vulnerable than I had ever seen him. "I don't care if you cut off my hair and sell it to a wool factory. You can open up a chain restaurant in the dimples of my chin. You can crush my car into a little box and sell it as a shoeshine stand, I don't care." He breathed in deeply as his voice cracked. "But please, you have to save these kids. You have to help them get out alive." We all looked at one another while our teacher pleaded with Sue, and in that instant, we knew that this was it. From that point on, we either worked as a team for survival or died alone and became one of them.
"Under one condition will I accept your plea." My eyes never left the two adults as they stared into each other's eyes, waiting for the next move.
"Anything, Sue. I will do anything to get these kids out of here safely." She looked at Will with hate in her eyes but turned to us kids with a smile.
"Alright kiddos, get in line! Step right up and give Mr. Schue a nice hard slap to the face. Then and only then will I help you make it through this ordeal with all body parts in tact."
"You can't be serious!" Will screamed.
"I am as serious as a zombie invasion, William, and I will not be trifled with. Now if you want your darling students to live through the night, you have to endure a slap from every single one of them." She smiled victoriously. "And do not go easy on him, children, I want to hear the sound of stinging flesh!" She cackled like a witch as Quinn stepped up first and slapped him across the cheek, hard.
"That's my girl, Q!"
The things we do for survival.
To be continued
I hope you enjoyed the first part of my zombie crack!fic. It will not be long at all, only about three or four parts, depending on how much I can drag it out. Don't forget to read my other two fics that are currently in progress as well, Escape and The Perfect Couple. I feel like I'm cheating on my own stories!
Until next time. . .sings. . .Don't Stop. . .Reviewing!