Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Supernatural and I'm not making any money from this fic
Summary: SPOILERS FOR SEASON SIX. After Castiel tells Sam everything, Sam nears breaking point
Warning(s): Spoilers for season 6; mentions of violence; slight AU of episode twelve; some swearing
Sam sat on the bed in the motel room, staring blankly at the wall. Images of what he had done - what Castiel had revealed to him - swirled through his mind over and over again. He couldn't remember anything, but that didn't mean he felt any less horrible. Trying to kill Bobby, letting Dean get turned into a vampire… even threatening Cass when the angel had done nothing but try to help them.
How could he live with what he'd done?
Sam felt close to breaking point and struggled not to think of it all. He had to concentrate on the case they were working. If Sam didn't do his job, there would probably be a lot of young woman who ended up dead. No matter what he'd felt during this past year and a half, Sam knew that he couldn't let anymore people die.
He didn't want to even consider what he must have done without his soul. The perfect hunter… how many people must he have allowed to die? Those who he saved now could ever make up for those crimes.
Sam put his head in his hands, feeling the tears start. He needed to speak to Dean… to Bobby. Hell, he needed to put things right with Castiel. Sam hadn't been given a chance to apologise before the angel had disappeared again to fight the war in heaven.
Sam's head jerked up as the door to the motel room opened and he hurriedly swiped the back of his hand across his eyes as Dean entered. "Hey. Did you find the sword?"
"A little bit of dynamite and… voila." Dean produced a half-broken sword.
Sam frowned. "What happened?"
"Er… apparently, the sword? Wasn't as indestructible as I thought. Looks like this is the best we've got." Dean stepped over to the map on the wall. "You found the dragons' base?"
"Yeah?" Dean turned to his brother.
There were so many things that Sam wanted to say. Begging for forgiveness seemed like the best option, but what if Sam had screwed up so badly that this time, his brother couldn't forgive him? Dean wasn't perfect - and this might be too big for them to get past. Sam's first thought was to say it was nothing, but some more tears began slipping out of his eyes.
"Sam?" Dean dropped the sword onto the other bed and stepped over to his brother, placing a hand on Sam's shoulder.
Sam couldn't even look at Dean, he felt so guilty. Grateful for the comforting touch, though, he placed his hand on his brother's wrist, still with his head down. "Dean, I… I'm sorry."
There was a pause and then Dean spoke, sounding tired and kind of resigned. "Bobby tell you?"
Sam shook his head. "Cass." He took a deep, almost shuddering breath. "I… Man, I can't believe what I did. To all of you. I was a monster…" He pulled away from Dean, covering his face. "I don't understand why you don't just abandon me. Lock me in the panic room, away from all of you. It's no more than what I deserve."
"And who'd I have to boss around then, huh?"
Sam removed his hands to look at his brother, raising his eyebrows.
"Too soon?" Dean sat down on the bed next to his brother. "Listen to me, Sam. That wasn't you."
Sam shook his head. "I know better. Believe me, I do. Soul or not, it was still my body. My hands. I still stood by and watched you get turned into a vampire. I still tried to kill Bobby… still threatened to kill Cass. I don't know how many people I killed. I wish I did, cause someone needs to remember."
Dean said nothing, just leaned his shoulder against his brother's.
Sam sighed, wiping at his eyes. "I can't ask for forgiveness… I don't even deserve it. Not from any of you. I…" His voice trailed off. He wasn't even sure what he wanted to say. "I want to save those women, but I know that it doesn't matter how many I save. Redemption isn't possible." He looked at Dean. "I know you kicked my ass before. If you want to beat me up, go ahead. I deserve it."
Dean shook his head. "I know you think that'll make you feel better, but it won't. And Sam, I'm not gonna hit you. You're my brother. Also, pretty sure you never had the power to read minds. Why do you think I won't forgive you?"
"Dean, I stood by and let you get turned into a vampire! And Ben and Lisa…"
Dean gave a sharp shake of his head. "They're fine. It's probably for the best I don't go back anyway."
"You don't really believe that… do you?" The tears were fading now. Sam was gaining courage from the fact that Dean was sitting and talking to him, rather than beating the crap out of him and leaving.
"You know, Sam, I'm not exactly guidance counsellor material - but I think saving as many as we can is gonna help. You're not a monster; far from it. And Cass and Bobby don't blame you for this - although it might take both of them a little while to get used to normal-Sam instead of Robo-Sam." Dean looked at him. "You're still my brother. That hasn't changed. It's not ever gonna change."
Sam looked away, hardly able to find the words to express his gratitude. "Dean… I am sorry."
"I get that, Sam. You don't need to ask for my forgiveness." Dean stood up, grabbing the broken sword. "Let's go rescue the damsels in distress."