Thank you few for reviewing so nicely! I know Kurt was majorly OOC, as was Kitty, but I made it that way to be funnier. The story'll focus on the teens more than Logan for this (and maybe the next) chapter, but it'll still be funny (I hope) *prays desperately*.

Mind you, this is with the X-Men gender bended. So:

Kurt switches with Kitty

Scott switches with Jean

Evan switches with Rogue

Hoping and praying for funniness!

The day after the X-Men's food fight, they were once again shame-facedly in the rec. room, though this time afforded the luxury of the couch for their lecture. Logan paced in front of them, looking horribly like a Nazi general, as he thought up his plan of attack. Abruptly, he stopped and turned to them.

"I spent a lot of time thinking up a good punishment for you . . . things." Logan started, voice growly. "And I have a feeling you're going to just love me afterwards. It'll only last a week, but it should be enough to eradicate any sexism or man-bitch problems you things have."

There were confused muttering between the teens, then the Professor rolled in.

"I need Scott and Jean to come with me." He said, and Scott and Jean stood, glaring at each other, and followed the Professor.

"Y'all'd better not move a muscle." Logan snapped, following the three out of the room. Rogue, Evan, Kitty, and Kurt exchanged nervous glances, but stayed silent. By picking off the strongest first, they'd instilled fear in the young ones. Down the hall, there was hoarse shouting and muffled screaming. Kitty's eyes widened and she curled into a ball.

Moments later, Scott and Jean staggered back in, gripped on the arms by Logan, followed by the Professor. Scott was shaking his head and Jean was stomping and looking limp and angry yet shocked and scared, blinking hard every few seconds.

"Kitty, Kurt." The Professor said quietly. Kitty shook her head and scrunched herself up tighter, if humanly possible. Logan hauled her off the couch. When Kurt resisted, Logan pulled him down the hall by his tail, much to his loud protests.

"What did they do to you?" Evan asked quietly to Scott. Scott shook his head. He tried to talk, but sounded like he was choking and his voice broke several times.

Down the hall, there were equally high shrieks, announcing Kurt and Kitty to return. Kitty was slouching oddly, and Kurt was walking like he was strapped to a board, tail dragging oddly on the ground. Kitty was twitching.

"Evan and Rogue, please." The Professor requested, as if he were picking out cupcakes at the bakery. Rogue nervously messed with the cuffs of her gloves as she followed Logan and the Professor and Evan in a resigned sort of way.

It was quiet for several moments, then there was loud cursing. "Logan needs to keep a lid on his foul mouth." Scott said oddly, in a prim sort of voice. Suddenly, over the cursing, Logan's voice rose.

"Keep your gloves on, Stripes!"

"That's not Evan." Kitty said in a strangled way.

"The Professor?" they chimed, shocked.

Rogue and Evan returned, looking normal-ish, though Rogue looked not at all afraid of touching things, whereas Evan looked dumb, shrinking away from people when they got near him. The Professor looked murderous, wheeling into a corner and glaring at the students as Logan addressed them again. [1]

"By now you all understand your punishment. This will last for a week," he raised his voice over their loud protests about unfairness, "and you'll live with it! You brought this on yourselves, and yes, you're going to school, you nitwits! You're not getting out of school for this. And if this doesn't solve the sexism arguments, nothing will."

"A veek? Can't it be, like, zree days or somezink?" Kurt asked, suddenly clapping a hand over his mouth. "God, he really can't say tee-aytch sounds . . ." he said, sounding amazed.

"No, it will be a week, Kurt. Anybody else want to argue?" Logan said, emphasizing Kurt's name. Kurt looked like he was about to protest, but didn't.

"I think it's unfair to treat us this way for a whole week, Mr. Logan. I agree with Ki—Kurt, three days would be fine, teach us a good lesson." Scott spoke up.

"For that, DR. Now." Logan said. "Explore your new bodies."

"Eew, you, like, sound like our Healz teacher!" Kurt squealed in a thoroughly un-Kurt-ish way. Kitty gave him a scathing look.

"You're killing my reputation, Kitty." She said, then looked pleased with herself. "God, I can actually say Kitty! Kitty Kitty Kitty . . . three was something with . . ." she trailed off, looking thoroughly happy with her pronunciation of the tee-aytch and double-you sounds.

"Suit up!" Logan barked. They hurried out the door, tripping on extra appendages or impaired vision or huge feet.

Kitty, Jean, and Rogue headed uncertainly towards the girls' changing room, whereas Kurt, Scott, and Evan trooped right into the boys' changing rooms.

"If you need help with bodies, you know where we are." Scott said.

"Ditto." Jean said.

The girls were the first to encounter trouble "with bodies".

"How tha hell . . . ? Ugh, Gawd, this is too weird." Rogue groaned, trying to unclasp her bra, clawing at her back awkwardly. Kitty laughed at her plight, and Jean came to help.

"Okay, that's really awkward." Jean said, backing away from Rogue and shaking her hands like she'd just touched anthrax or smallpox.

Rogue reached up and grabbed her uniform, then turned around to put it on. "Jesus, they bounce!" she cried in surprise. Kitty's laughter doubled. "Yer lucky, you have small ones. How the hell am I supposed to fight with these things on my chest! I'm seriously starting t' appreciate how girls always stand up straight."

In the boys' changing room, though, they boys were faring better, but not by much.

"Eeeyaaagh!" Kurt yelped, looking thoroughly disgusted with himself, stepping on his tail as he tried to back up. "Jesus Christ! How does he deal?.!" He cried exasperatedly.

Evan was quiet as he suited up, a spike accidentally popping out of his arm. His eyes bugged and he ran into the bathroom. They heard the sounds of dry retching, and he came back looking wan and pale under his dark skin. Scott suddenly stomped his foot.

"I hate not having telekinesis!" he cried. Kurt was still wrestling his body as it contorted oddly.

"SOMEBODY GET KURT!" he shouted, smacking his tail down onto the bench and yelping with pain. Scott obliged, popping into the girls' room. He walked in as Jean was still suiting up.

Jean looked mildly surprised and turned away.

"Come on, Scott, it's my body. You don't have to hide it from me." Scott sighed exasperatedly. "Kurt, we need you. Minor emergency." Scott said, then there was a frustrated howl from the open door, followed by cursing. "Scratch that, major emergency."

Kitty jumped up and followed Scott back into the changing room where Kurt was looking incredibly pained (mentally) as he wrapped himself around a locker. Kitty fought the urge to laugh/rescue his body from Kitty's maniacal mind.

"Relax!" she barked. Kurt unwound himself from the door and slithered down onto the bench, looking up at Kitty in a defeated way.

"I've got a dead snake hanging off my butt. Help." He said very plainly. Kitty frowned.

"Learn to use it. I would say "or lose it", but I do want it back. How do you function without a tail?" she demanded, turning to look at her own butt. "Or not being able to move at all?"

"Okay, look, just because you're Mr. Rubber Band and now you're stuck in a normal body doesn't mean you have to insult it." Kurt growled.

"Just stretch and learn how far you can go. Try moving m—your," Kitty ground out, looking confused, "tail. Keep relaxed, and to teleport, concentrate on the place and just let it go. It feels like a hiccup."

"Ohh-kay," Kurt said doubtfully.

"Move, ladies!" Logan shouted, storming in and making them jump. Kitty turned around, looking angry.

"I'm not a lady!" she shouted at Logan.

"Oh, yes you are, Kitty." He smirked and left.

"God, I hate that sadistic man." She growled and slouched out the door. Kurt stood slowly and walked—inched would be a better word—towards the door, tail snaking around in huge arcs, trying to imitate the way it had moved when Kurt inhabited the body.

Evan and Scott followed more easily, looking reluctant and somewhat scared.

"Here goes nothing. Keep stuff away from your crotch. It's okay to be hit in the chest, it won't hurt. Use everything you've got, and for God's sake, keep stuff from hitting their chests, I'll wince every time something hits them." Scott muttered to the other boys, who nodded.


After an agonizing run on a baby-level (the agonizing part was having their arses whooped by the baby-level), the six cleaned up and retreated to Kurt's room, it being the biggest. They sat on the bed and floor and chairs (Kitty grumbling about not being able to hang from the chandelier, urging Kurt ((much to his horror, he didn't trust his tail)) to do so) and plotted revenge.

"This man must be tortured." Scott declared. There was a unanimous head-nodding. "But how?"

"Practical jokes!" Kitty yelped. "Hair on his toothbrush, rocks and hairbrushes in his bed, alarm set impossibly to go off every five minutes . . ."

"Switch him into Kurt's body," Kurt muttered as his tail smacked him in the face and he growled at it. It continued to twitch defiantly.

"Switch him with Ororo!" Rogue said. [2]

"No, no collateral damage. Plus the Prof wouldn't be in to this." Jean said, chin in hands.

"Disable his powers and give him some really bizarre power, like being able to arrange flowers that come out of his knuckles instead of claws?" Kitty suggested.

"No surgery." Jean said dismissively. Kitty looked sad.

Suddenly, Kurt got a beautiful brainwave. "Drag qveen!"

"What?" the chorus was aimed at him.

"Turn Logan into a drag qveen, against his vill. Jean, telepazically make him sleep, and I'll give him hair extensions, ve'll svitch all his clozes to girly zings, give him really really long-lasting makeup, shave his chest and legs and arms, give him high heels, make him not able to buy new manly clozes. And take avay his Harley." Kurt said.

Kitty smiled evilly. "That's brilliant!"

"How do I disable someone telepathically?" Jean asked. Scott smacked his forehead.

"It could kill someone if you do it wrong. You focus on them, and sleeping really deeply, not waking up until you snap your fingers or stomp your foot or something. Though Logan has really tough mental blocks. You'd have to wait until he's asleep and the blocks are down. Just don't kill him. I don't want to be charged with murder." Scott said. Jean nodded solemnly.

"When do we move out?" Evan asked.

"Now." Rogue said. "I'll go hide his clothes." She got up and left.

"I'll get my makeup." Kurt said, teleporting away.

"That's something I thought I'd never hear Kurt say." Jean said.

"Hey, I'm right here. Kitty said that." Kitty said.

"Yeah, I know, but . . . whatever. It's just weird hearing your body say that."

Kitty nodded.

Minutes later, Kurt had a death grip on the ceiling in a shadowy part of the room where Logan was dozing. His breathing pattern changed . . . time to move in. He crawled down the wall awkwardly and uncertainly.

"He's dead asleep." He said. The six teens rushed into the room. Jean screwed up her face in concentration. Logan fell into a comatose state. Evan anxiously felt for a pulse. He nodded and gave a thumbs-up. Rogue looked relived and started ripping Logan's boots off. The gruff instructor disappeared in a mass of students. A razor flashed, mascara was uncapped, high heels brandished.

The boys were clustered around Logan's head, braiding in extensions, doing makeup perfectly.

"Razor." Kurt held out a hand. Rogue handed him a razor and the water and shaving cream. Kurt shaved Logan's face, then arms, chest, and legs. "God, zis man is hairy."

"You said it." Evan said, not taking his eyes off of the eyeliner he was working on. Scott was doing one half of Logan's hair extensions, waiting for Kurt to do the other half.

Jean and Rogue were jamming Logan into a pair of man-sized skinny jeans, looking frustrated and incredulous that there were actually man-sized skinny jeans. Kitty halted the boys for a moment and fumblingly put a bra and Abercrombie shirt on him. Kurt paused for a moment and put fake silicone bra inserts in the bra, then went back to hair. The girls insensitively rammed Logan's feet into two-inch black pumps as the boys finished his hair and makeup.

"We need to prop him up near a mirror so we can do his hair properly—damn, we didn't shave his sideburns! Razor!" Scott said and took care of the sideburns quickly. After several minutes of labored work, they dragged the instructor to a full-length mirror, propped him up, and Evan put his hair up in an elegant feminine style.

They dusted their hands off, looking pleased at their work. Quickly, they retreated to good places to watch the reaction, and Jean woke the gruff man.

Instantly, they regretted it. It was like Hiroshima going off, sans radiation. Logan was incoherent except for "What the hell, what the hell!" He tried to push his claws out, but the series of rubber and braided floss bracelets the boys hand put on his forearms stopped him from doing that, and the numerous chunky rings the girls found helped too.

"I'm a lady!" he bellowed incredulously, ripping at his hair, which would not yield. Neither would his clothes, and certainly not his makeup.

"Dude look like a lady," Jean sang softly, Aerosmith's song "Dude Look Like a Lady". [3]

Logan looked furiously for the source of the song, but didn't see them until they stepped out.

"Now you know how we feel. You know, the Constitution outlaws cruel and unusual punishment." Scott said very matter-of-factly. Logan snarled at him.

"Get this shit off me!"

"Language, Herr Logan." Kitty said, crossing her arms. Kurt bared his teeth in a smile, swishing his tail.

"Here's the deal. You get Professor X to change us all back, and we take . . . that . . . off you." Evan said, gaze raking Logan's body.

"You'll suffer your punishment full term!" Logan growled.

"Zen you vill too." Kurt said, frowning at Logan.

In the following face-off between the six kids and Logan, something in the universe exploded. Logan actually gave in. To save his pride.

"Alright, you little scheming brats." He growled. They looked victoriously to one another, dragging Logan down to the Professor, gleefully announcing he was renouncing his punishment, getting him to grudgingly agree. The Professor was, very professionally, restraining his laughter, but they could see it in his eyes. There was a small snigger behind them and a flash of white as Ororo ran for cover.

He changed all the X-Men back to their own bodies, cries of joy and relief from all them.

"Now get this off me!" Logan demanded. The kids obliged, giving him an outfit to change into and makeup remover, shoving him into a bathroom. When he reemerged in bikers' leathers, looking a thousand times happier, Kitty piped up.

"Oh, uh, your sideburns might take a while to grow back." She said rather timidly, raising her hand and pointing at his face.


[1] OOC, I know, but I had to.

[2] Sorry, I fail EPICALLY at Rogue's accent, so I'll be excluding it unless it's super-obvious.

[3] I don't know if this is an actual song, but I read an allusion to it in Kristina by (I think but doubt) GoldFox- no, not GoldFox, inficurzzy (sorry, super-botched spelling), no, no, no, it's by, wait, yeah, inuficcrzy. Funny, funny story! Recommended read, again.

Okay, so this chap wasn't really funny—it was about as funny as your mother's funeral. Not funny. Next chapter, I SWEAR will be hilarious! I just had to do this filler. Next chapter, you'll see, I promise.