Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.
Still haven't found Brandon.
A lot of the information you are about to see was taken from the internet and my own personal experiences. If you don't agree just let me know. I don't own the information Logan is looking up. I also put it in quotes... I don't think I have to any more referencing, I'm just using the information to sort of show you what Logan is looking up. Just to get into his head. I know having facts in this may not be everyone's cup of tea... but to each their own. And this is the ONLY chapter that will have stuff like this. The next chapter we are back with Carlos... and dealing with some unexpected... drama.
Chapter 22 The Road Ahead:
And he's leaving the hospital, walking away. Almost like how he walked away from his past. Like how he almost walked away from him. But it's not about that. He knows that. He knows that instead of walking away from something he's walking towards it. Towards a greater purpose. Towards helping his friend. This is about his brother. He needs to wake up and do the right thing. Anything to save him.
There's something to be said about a friendship that has lasted as long as theirs. Something to be said about brothers... who refuse to give up on one another. When one is weak the others shall be strong. When one has fallen his brothers will lay him in respects.
After all... there's something to be said about a bond. (1)
He moves quickly towards his car, pushing the key into the lock with such precision it took less than a second. Yanking open the door he situates himself and begins his journey. Soon after leaving the hospital he realizes that the beeping he's hearing is because he hasn't fastened his seat belt.
But the once safe boy couldn't bring himself to care.
He knew how to drive; he wasn't going to crash. He had more important things to worry about than unbuckled seat belts.
He had him to worry about. Friendship above all other things. Love for his friend ruled anything he was thinking at the moment.
He thought about turning the radio on but it was useless, and would provide an unneeded distraction. And odly enough, even though he was alone there was an elephant in the car... and honestly... ? Logan was so sick of elephants he hoped they would become extinct.
But they weren't... and he wouldn't talk about that elephant.
Like a stone in his heart the pain he bared for his friend would not lift. Would not let him rest... let him be. It was like watching a car wreck... finding Carlos broken in that basement. Only instead of just watching it Carlos had been through it. So much pain. He had never seen someone suffer so much and still be alive. His physical injuries alone were... horrific.
But the scars on his mind will be far worse... he knows this. That's why he's in the car. That's why he left his boyfriend and friends back at the hospital.
They needed to be ready to deal with Carlos... to save him.
Hitting a pot hole slipped him back to his senses as he made a left and pulled into one of the large public library parking spaces.
Home Sweet Home.
This was where he belonged... a lot of the times he wondered why he had such great friends and such an incredible boyfriend... when all he was destined for was sitting behind the dusty stacks, learning and learning and learning... and using none of that knowledge.
But all the knowledge in the world doesn't mean a thing to him... if it means knowing alone. And he would be alone. He hated thinking that way... but sometimes he just couldn't help it. It was like he was standing in a room full of people... screaming and screaming... tears cascading from chocolate brown eyes, his small body shaking, and no one could hear him. No one but the books... they would whisper their words into his ears... making him feel even more alone. Because he didn't even have books anymore.
He was a popstar now.
Everything is just overwhelming now... once Carlos heals and things calm down... he'd feel better. He'd be back to his old self.
Stepping out of the car and shaking himself of the doubts and insecurities that plauged his evolved mind he locked the car and made his way up the marble steps and into the enormous building.
It was a sight for sore eyes... being in a library again. Being around the reason that got him into wanting to be a doctor... wanting to learn more all the time. Knowledge.
"Let's hope it can save us this time." He mumbled before walking towards the back of the building. He needed to look up crime, sexual assault, rape, molestation, and serial killers. Things that Logan, for once, had no interest in learning about.
But he had to, so with strengthened resolve he started pulling books that looked helpful down from the shelves and found a corner to sit and immerse himself in the words on the page.
"Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child's genitals (except in certain non-sexual contexts such as a medical exam), viewing of the child's genitalia for the purpose of sexual gratification, or using a child to produce child pornography.
The effects of child sexual abuse include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, propensity to further victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems. Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma especially in the case of parental incest.
In North America, for example, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children. Most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims; approximately 30% are relatives of the child, most often brothers, fathers, uncles or cousins; around 60% are other acquaintances such as 'friends' of the family, babysitters, or neighbors; strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases. Most child sexual abuse is committed by men; studies show that women commit 14% to 40% of offenses reported against boys and 6% of offenses reported against girl. Most offenders who sexually abuse prepubescent children are pedophiles although some offenders do not meet the clinical diagnosis standards for pedophilia.
Under the law, "child sexual abuse" is an umbrella term describing criminal and civil offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification. The American Psychiatric Association states that "children cannot consent to sexual activity with adults", and condemns any such action by an adult: "An adult who engages in sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior."
Incest didn't apply with Carlos. Logan knew he could skip those parts. But all the effects of what that monster did to him was scary. PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Plus who knows what's really going on in his head. Who knows if he's really trapped there... stuck, looking for a way to claw himself out.
The thought of that made Logan shiver. This was all just so fucked up. But he kept reading. The next lines made him sick.
"Depending on the age and size of the child, and the degree of force used, child sexual abuse may cause internal lacerations and bleeding. In severe cases, damage to internal organs may occur, which, in some cases, may cause death. Herman-Giddens et al. found six certain and six probable cases of death due to child sexual abuse in North Carolina between 1985 and 1994. The victims ranged in age from 2 months to 10 years. Causes of death included trauma to the genitalia or rectum and sexual mutilation"
It pretty much said what the doctors said, how he had been torn inside, and the degree of force was bad... real bad. Carlos could die... because of that man... doing it to him. He was only 15... too small. He was just too small to have that happen to him. Logan couldn't even fathom an even smaller child going through that.
"He was only 15." he whispered, looking down at the book resting between his spider-like fingers. Gripping tightly he got significantly louder, screaming.
"HE WAS ONLY 15!" tears of anger and despair flowing from once bright brown eyes.
"Seriously? Sir this is a library and if you can't respect that then you need to leave." a man with dark eyes and spectacles said peeking around a book shelf, frowning at Logan.
"Fuck you." Logan didn't even care as the man looked indignant, huffing, as he stormed away.
He kept reading, wiping the tears away, like he wished he could wipe away the pain. Pain for his best friend, he felt so guilty it was eating him alive. Could someone die from too much guilt?
"Child sexual abuse may cause infections and sexually transmitted diseases. Depending on the age of the child, due to a lack of sufficient vaginal fluid chances of infections are higher."
Well... Carlos did not have a vagina, but you hear all kinds of horror stories about boys that get raped and get sick from the STDs they caught. Logan didn't want Carlos to have a life long battle with some sex disease. He didn't deserve that.
"He didn't deserve anything he got... but he still got it."
It was cruel, just knowing what had happened and how much more Carlos was going to have to deal with, if he survived. WHEN! WHEN HE SURVIVED!
But Logan wanted to know more... he wanted to understand what Carlos had been through... and to do that he had to look up the demons. The ones that hurt the younger boys.
The serial killers.
There was this guy... his name was Dahmer... Jeffrey Dahmer and he was bad. Had a thing for molestation and brutally murdering his victims, sometimes he even kept souvenirs.
"In the early morning hours of May 27, 1991, 14-year-old Konerak Sinthasomphone (by coincidence, the younger brother of the boy whom Dahmer had molested) was discovered on the street, wandering naked, heavily under the influence of drugs and bleeding from his rectum. Two young women from the neighborhood found the dazed boy and called Dahmer chased his victim down and tried to take him away, but the women stopped him. Dahmer told police that Sinthasomphone was his 19-year-old boyfriend, and that they had an argument while drinking. Against the protests of the two women who had called 911, police turned him over to Dahmer. They later reported smelling a strange scent while inside Dahmer's apartment, but did not investigate it. The smell was the body of Tony Hughes, Dahmer's previous victim, decomposing in the bedroom. The two policemen did not make any attempt to verify Sinthasomphone's age and failed to run a background check that would have revealed Dahmer was a convicted child molestor still under probation. Later that night, Dahmer killed and dismembered Sinthasomphone, keeping his skull as a souvenir."
Logan nearly had a freaking melt down... the kid was safe, he had almost gotten away, only to have stupid cops (just ask James about dumbass cops) hand him over to the man that would kill him. He was so close... and it made Logan angry to think about.
Logan realizes that he's just sitting here... getting lost in the words and the lines, the truth that his best friend, his brother of more than ten years, may never recover. Physically or mentally.
"Oh Carlos... what have we done."
Logan at least had someone... Unlike Carlos romantically. He had Kendall. And no matter how bad Logan got... Kendall would always be able to bring him back. Thinking about this made Logan remember the conversation they had after their 'fun time,' in the hospital bathroom last night.
"How did you get out of there anyway?" asked Kendall as the two made their way back to Carlos' room. Logan looked confused as he faced his boyfriend.
"Out of where?" Logan asks.
"Your head Logie... how did you get out of your head?"
"I found my way back to you... I'll always find my way back to you Kendall. It will always be you." Kendall smiled, placing a soft kiss on Logan's forehead before intertwining their fingers and entering Carlos' hospital room once again. Together... like they were always meant to be.
Logan remembered how he had almost broke... but Kendall.. He was his Knight in shining armour... he would always be able to bring Logan out of the darkness and into the sun, into the light.
"We can't be falling apart. lt's Carlos turn to fall apart. Carlos turn to be weak. We've had plenty of practice in the last two months worrying and blaming ourselves. Well now it's time to help Carlos. It's Carlos' turn to be saved... to be free."
Logan looked down, breaking from his thoughts as he felt his phone vibrate loudly. Reaching into his pocket he fished the device out before seeing he had received about 10 texts from Kendall. The blonde was freaking out, having no idea where Logan had gone. Logan smiled at the concern that oozed through the texts, before explaining where he was and that he would be back soon.
After sending the text Logan let out a long, painful, and weary sigh. Things were only going to get harder... he realized. Things were only going to get crazier. Feeling his eyes start to water he looked down at his hands. No really seeing them.
And Logan's just sitting there... looking towards the road ahead. Knowing in his heart that it's going to be a long and hard one.
P.S. Sorry if this was atrocious... I'm trying.