Special thanks goes out to my beta samsjazz for all her help...I know it isn't Wednesday but I did miss last Wednesday's update so here it is.
Also I will be participating a 2 new contest as well as Fandom for Sexual Assualt Awareness and Fandom Fights Against Mental Illness. I suggest you take a look at both and if you can, participate as well. Any help is appreciated.
"So innocent in my eye, I could see her in my life. She would've had it all. But see, she had other plans I couldn't understand. Her and her stupid friends, varsity's biggest fans. Never'll forget the day she laughed and walked away. And I couldn't stop her; I guess she had it all. She had it all figured out. But she left me with a broken heart. Messed around and turned me down, 'Cause she didn't think I could play the part." Lil'Wayne
I'd like to consider myself a fairly sane person. I wear stylish clothing, avoid drama, and know nothing about voodoo. I don't have a secret alias, or an imaginary friend, or a meth problem. No skeletons in my closet, just a bulging laundry basket and a few dozen pairs of shoes.
Decidedly not crazy.
Yet for some reason, whenever a particularly witty, charming, attractive female glides into the picture, my so-called sanity gets a little shaky. Suddenly, I find myself questioning my sanity, and wishing I could get a grip on myself.
If you were to ask me how I felt about Isabella Swan, I'm not sure how I would answer. Never has a more loaded question been asked.
The only answer I am able to come up with is that I have no freaking clue at the moment.
I guess it is safe to say that I feel an immense amount of emotions. I can't say that I like the girl much after what happened the last time we were together, but at the same time I can't say that I don't care about her at all. It wasn't always that way though. If you had asked me how I felt about her say, maybe five years ago, the answer would have been simple.
Without skipping a beat I would confess my undying love for the brown eyed beauty. I wouldn't have thought twice about how pathetic would make me look, me, Jacob Black, getting all weepy and gushing over a girl. There was a time when I did just that but sure as hell not anymore.
I was, at one time, head over heels in love with Bella Swan. As far as I was concerned the sun rose and set around her, she was the center of my universe ever since I was five years old. Never do I remember another girl capturing my eye like she did. I can't even remember crushing on any other girl at all.
When we were younger Charlie and my dad would go on fishing trips together or spend a lot of time watching sports on the television. During that time Bella and I were expected to play together along with my two sisters. It seemed like two best friends dream, having children close in age to one another. That way you could gather or do whatever it is you do and expect, or hope for, the kids to get along long enough in order for you to finish what you were doing.
We were young and most of the time my sisters convinced her I had cooties. There were days she spent on the reservation that she wouldn't even speak to me and yet I would sit and watch her the entire time she was there. She didn't seem to notice though. She was always in her own little world, perfectly content on being alone. A lot of the time she seemed sad so I would try and cheer her up but it never seemed to work.
She was by far the least graceful person I've met, so clumsy, falling over her own feet at times. However, what she lacked in coordination she made up for in smarts. The girl was brilliant or at least in my eyes she was.
On many occasions she would tote around a book and could read for hours and not get bored. She didn't care that the girls snickered behind her back and toward the end of the summer they labeled her stuck up. Claiming she thought she was better then us and that they didn't want her as a friend anyway. Bella only responded by shrugging her shoulders and walking away.
I would follow her around everywhere even though she didn't seem to notice me. It didn't matter to me, at the time, that maybe she didn't feel the same way about me. I was young and in love and the only thing I knew was she was, in fact, the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. As I grew up the feelings didn't change, for most of my adolescence I was irrevocably in love with her.
Too bad things couldn't remain that simple. No, the problem with young love is that at one point in time you realize how foolish you were. However, the time usually doesn't come until you have already had your heart broken and more then likely were embarrassed to no end.
Only then do you look at the situation with eyes that are no longer vibrant and innocent, so full of hope. No, that loss also brings sadness into your heart that plunges you into early adulthood. Young love - so naive, so immature, so unsophisticated, yet so damn thrilling.
Little do we know that we are prepared for this long before we realize what love is?
Early on in life, children have to endure the sad, frustrating lesson that certain children may not want to play with them. They may not get invited to a classmate's party and the child who they have a crush on may not like them back. In fact, the crush may even be convinced that the child in question has the cooties. Or at least, that is the way it was in my experience. I was different as a child. I was always trying to impress Isabella Swan. Whether it was mud pies or a flower bouquet made of driftwood and rocks, I was always trying and yet never seemed to succeed.
As we grow up, we continue to learn this difficult lesson. We may not get a Valentine's card shoved in our desk from the one person we hoped would send their love. The person we pine after may be taken and unable to play, romantically or sexually, in the ways that we had hoped. The kiss we offer may be greeted with a turned cheek rather than the lips - or worse, an awkward wave goodnight.
Or either one may be taken and the person we want may not be able to reach out to us, even if we want them to carry us away with kisses and dreams, or even a mundane Sunday spent doing the laundry and rubbing each other's feet. The list goes on: he may not, as the book and movie say, be that "into" you. She may like you "as a friend." He may want you only as a booty call and not as a soul mate. She may want you only as long as you do X, Y or Z. None of it is fair, nor will it ever be.
These moments of unreturned love may be tough. Scratch that - they may feel gut-wrenchingly sad, confusing, bare, lonely, and vulnerable. And yet they are a tough reality of togetherness and separateness.
Sometimes the person you most want to play with - to love, to touch, to kiss, to bathe with - doesn't want to play your game. Sometimes it's even harder: they may choose to not even talk to you anymore. Once Bella moved to Phoenix with her mother all ties of communication stopped. It wasn't as if we talked that often when she was here, though I did send her my contact information through our fathers. She just chose to never write me. I, on the other hand, wrote her often, I just never sent any of the letters. Of course, no one knows about my secret stash of letters that remained in my bedroom until a few months back.
We can't control what other people decide to do with their lives. Not only can we not control it but sometimes the kindest, most compassionate response is to acknowledge that whatever the other person chose is perhaps best for them at the moment. Maybe they are not trying to be cruel. That is what I kept telling myself anyway.
When I was told that Bella was moving back to Forks I thought my chance had finally come. That I would, without a doubt, show her what she meant to me and she would allow me to sweep her off her feet because she would fall in love with me.
Perhaps, however, the other person knows themselves quite well and they've decided that they can't look into your eyes, take your phone calls, or maybe even come home to you anymore. Sometimes people won't play with us and we are forced to be okay with it, especially if it's what helps the other person to move on with their life.
There's no doubt about it: unrequited love is hard. Research has shown how different an experience it is (in terms of brain activity) compared to love that's returned. Not that most of us need a scientist to tell them that: if you've loved and are loved back, and another time loved and been left in the lurch, you know all too well what the differences are. You know how endings or break ups feel.
Shortly after she moved back we would go over to visit, yet she was never home. It seemed she was always at work, and then Cullen came into the picture. That was a detour I hadn't planned on. The sweet Bella I was in love with fell for the creepy Cullen kid. There was always something I didn't like about him. And now that he had stolen my dream girl from me, I seriously had issues with him.
I often bugged my father insensibly about visiting Forks. I tried to convince him it was a selfless act; that I wasn't itching on seeing Bella. Needless to say all my efforts were worthless. He saw right through my act.
So imagine my excitement the day we went to watch the game at Charlie's and it ended up being the night of her prom. I anxiously waited for her to come downstairs, just so I could see her. It didn't matter that she had a boyfriend, one that sat next to me at this very moment.
When she came down the stairs I couldn't believe how grown up she was. Sure she was beautiful before, but then as I looked at the matured girl in front of me she could only be described as one word – breathtaking.
The dress she wore hugged her body in all the right places and her silky long hair laid in curls down her back. Yet again she didn't even seem to notice me; the only person she seemed even remotely concerned about was Cullen.
I saw the way he looked at her and it wasn't with love and admiration. There was something in his eyes that I didn't trust and I didn't like the idea of my Bella being with him all night long. I tried to speak up, to tell her she looked beautiful, but my tongue was tied and I couldn't make myself speak. I stood there frozen, watching as she wrapped her arm around his and told Charlie goodbye. As I sat there I realized I wasn't focused on the game at all. No I could only think of how strange it was that Bella hadn't smiled once before leaving to go to her prom.
Being in love with somebody who doesn't love you can be a heartbreaking experience. I found out the hard way after pining over Bella Swan for most of my life. Now I see her for what she truly is, an ungrateful, selfish little girl. All those years I wasted chasing after what I thought would be my key to happiness ended up being my own undoing.
The night I realized that Bella and I had no future together what –so- ever was the most single handed, embarrassing moment of my life. A few weeks after prom came graduation and an invite for my dad and me to go out to some fancy restaurant in a celebration for Bella. It took a little of my massive persuasive skills but my father reluctantly agreed. He didn't like the Cullen's none but never elaborated on why, not that I didn't ask. Of course, because Edwards's family was going to be there, he hadn't wanted to go.
Part of me wishes that I would've just listened to my father and stayed home watching sports all night. The other part of me is glad I did go, at least that way I wasn't holding onto a fantasy any longer. Either way it was a rude awakening none the less.
Once the guys at the station found out about this little undercover work I was doing the nagging started. Due to my exceptional grade point average throughout school I was able to graduate two years earlier then what I normally would have.
As soon as I was out of school I focused on a career as a police officer. Since La Push doesn't have such a force I turned to Forks. It was rather helpful that four or five of the boys I grew up with worked there, as well as Charlie of course.
There have been chances I could've moved to Forks or out on my own, but I've never taken them. My father's health isn't all that well so it is best he have supervision. It is something that I choose to do and I have yet to have any problems regarding it.
There have been girls in my life, many of them. None though, quite compare to the fantasy I had of Bella. Maybe because it was all imaginary, who knows? While I wasn't known as a lady's man, I had no trouble finding some random girl to hang out with.
Quil and Embry were always trying to get me to give Bella another chance. However, to be honest I hadn't thought of her in that way since that fateful night. I worked with Quil and Embry as well as Sam and Paul. Sam was a married man, the responsible one of the group. Paul was the complete opposite, the absolute definition of a lady's man, a new girl every night. So imagine my dilemma when his new target was my sister.
Rachel was always the daredevil, the free spirit of the family. Her past relationships were brief and she seemed as if she would chew them up and spit them out. I think everyone had expected her to lose interest in Paul rather quickly. Much to everyone's surprise they have been together for almost eighteen months and engaged to get married.
The relationship seemed to tame Paul, but every now and then he would let his mischievous side come out to play and that is how the bet was born. After I agreed to the deal with Charlie my buddies and I went out to lunch. Initially Embry was worried about what living in closed quarters with Bella would do to me. He didn't think I got closure and was worried that I would end up heartbroken, again at Bella's hand. Quil was convinced this was my second chance at winning her heart. After showing my total grievance on the situation Paul came up with the idea to hurt her they way she hurt me.
His exact words were, "Why don't cha show that snotty nose brat what it feels like to be dragged through the coals." His theory was that I should try to get Bella to fall in love with me, much like I was with her all those years back and then crush her into a million pieces. When I showed reluctance to go along with the plan he suggested that there was no way I could get her to love me. The immature side of me agreed and bet $500 that I could, Paul being Paul raised the stakes to $1000.
I never backed down from a bet with Paul, no matter what it was. While part of me knew it was wrong to even attempt what I was planning another part kinda wanted to stick it to her. Embry didn't want any part of it while Quil and Sam both bet $500, one for me and one against me.
So when I walked into the situation I was confident that I would exact my revenge and show her what it felt like to burn. That took my mind off of all the hell she put me through.
It has been a few months since that night and I have changed quite a bit, in more ways then one. I was no longer that scrawny little boy that she thought of me as. Shortly after that night Paul and I started to lift weights each night as well as run five miles each morning. Physically my appearance was drastically different than what she remembered. My hair was still long; I never could cut all of it off. It was something my mother loved and after her death keeping my hair long made me feel close to her. Strange but it is what it is.
Another thing about me is that I love tattoos and have many of them. My first one was a bet I lost between Paul and myself and ever since then it's like I am addicted. There is something sobering between the art itself and the pain turning into pleasure. My father never really approved of them but he didn't say much about them once he realized what they meant to me. In a way they were like therapy. After my mother died I changed, I didn't feel whole. My second tattoo, after the one of a cherry on my left butt cheek, when I lost the bet, was a tribute to my mother. It turned out so beautiful that even my father couldn't help but smile when he first saw it.
Losing my mother nearly tore my father apart. Still to this day the only reason I believe he held on was for my sisters and me. Still, even though he was up and going about his daily business, he was an empty shell of a man. No longer himself, he still isn't. He lost his soul mate and I felt he never would be the same again.
Another reason I wasn't sure I ever wanted to settle down. When I hear the words soul mates, I think of my mother and father. They are the ultimate definition of the word, at least in my eyes they are. However, when I think of it in regards to myself or other people I can't help but wonder if it's worth it. Sure my father says all those years with my mother mean the world to him, but I can't help but wonder about all those years he has spent without her.
What if you supposed soul mate gets hit by a car or run over by a bus or something, before or after you meet them? If it is before you meet them, does that mean you spend your whole life alone? Or if it is after say you are married for 25 years and have three children; does that mean that is it for you? All the happiness and love that was in your life is now gone? Or does it mean it's only the beginning? What if you meet someone else, does that mean you will never be truly happy because they are not your soul mate? Or does that make them your soul mate and the previous marriage was a mere stepping stone?
Whenever my mind begins to wonder about these things I get a migraine and figure it's best to not wonder so much anymore.
The first night was interesting to say the least. I thought I would test her boundaries by trying to sleep in the same bed as her in just my underwear. Much to my surprise, she protested at first but didn't put up a fight. Not even when I kissed her. When our lips first met she was frigid, almost scared like it was her first kiss. Then after a little persuading her lips moved right along with mine as she fell into my embrace.
I guess at the moment we were successful at the charade, because from the outside looking in we must have looked like two lovers sharing a moment. However, laying there in her bed like that was a little too personal for me. I don't know where it came from but a wave of guilt washed over me. Maybe I should just tell Paul the bet is off or just say he was right and pay him. That part of me shut the hell up rather quickly as Bella began to talk in her sleep. Between these sweet little moans, she began to whisper my name only she called me Jake and not Jacob. There was something about the usage of the nickname along with the moans that made a fire begin to burn in my lower region. Though it was when she started to rub her hand up my chest that I decided to get out of the bed before my hormones got the better of me.
I sat in her window looking out into the night as I tried to regain my focus. My mind was racing as I thought of all the ways I could handle the situation before coming to a complete stop. There, just along the tree line, was the little silver Volvo that I knew belonged to Edward. Through the dark of night the moon shined just enough to see that there was someone in the car.
It hadn't even been 20 minutes that I'd been sitting there that I saw Bella sit up in bed. She looked as if she was about to panic so I made myself known. This would be the first perfect opportunity to allow Edward to see us together as a couple. She acted so innocent and looked so amazingly beautiful that I had to keep reminding myself of that night in order to not fall for her all over again. I knew that I was snapping at her and part of me liked how she coward back.
I knew that I was holding her a little too roughly, her trying to pull away only angered me more and I held on more tightly. I kissed her rough and animal like; almost as if we were about to ravish each other that very moment, exactly what I wanted Edward to think.
After Edward drove off she pulled away, I saw the tears glistening her eyes. Convincing myself that it wasn't a big deal, nothing compared to what she put me through. I tried to justify my actions only to make myself feel better about hurting her.
After maybe two hours of her leaving the room I began to worry. I mean, I saw Edward drive off so I knew it wasn't anything to do with him but I began to wonder if maybe I hurt her a little too much. I searched the house and still no sight of her. The last place I looked was the bathroom. The door was locked and she wasn't answering or acknowledging the knocks and me calling her name.
Without a second thought I busted through the door knowing I would have to replace that before Charlie noticed. I was scared to no end when I saw her under the water. She was losing consciousness fast but wasn't fighting it. She wanted it, did she want to drown? Did I drive her to do this? That thought alone made my heart ache. I paid no attention to her naked body as I held her to me.
Once in the bedroom I dried her off and pulled the shirt I had just taken off over her head. My shirt swam on her but it would at least cover everything up. I continued to hold her tightly to me as we lay in bed. We didn't talk anymore that night. I think she was in shock and maybe a little embarrassed and I didn't know what the hell to say.
I awoke the next morning to car doors and realized Charlie and Quil came over to check things out. We drank some coffee and sat at the table. I informed Charlie that Edward did in fact make an appearance but I left out the whole - your daughter tried to drown herself - thing. I knew that Bella and I had to have a talk tonight.
Quil started acting up a little once Bella came downstairs. I tried my hardest to give her the cold shoulder, to not look at her. I could barely hold myself together last night and looking at her now with Quil and Charlie in the room would be a mistake.
After she made that little comment that I knew was in fact a lie - Charlie had informed me of her nightmares - worried she would awake screaming in the middle of the night, the immature part of me had to make a sly comment back. I immediately felt guilty as the blush swept across her face.
After everyone had left I wondered around the house. I decided the best way to approach last night would be over some dinner and maybe a little wine. Knowing that nothing I needed was in the house I knew a trip to Port Angeles was in order. Yep, I had this under control. Everything would be fine. I tried to ignore what I knew to be true.
Feelings that I thought to be long gone came bubbling up to the surface as I looked into Bella's eyes after Charlie left. It was if I lost myself in those chocolate brown orbs all over again and I felt myself begin to lose a grip on my emotions. But no I wasn't going to let her do that to me again. No certainly not. I would win this bet no matter what. No matter who walked away with the shattered heart this time. I just hoped it wouldn't be me.