Eggman was hungry. His superior brain needed more calories if it was going to make a machine powerful enough to capture that damn blue hedgehog. He rolled into the kitchen atop one of those scooters that fat people use when they go grocery shopping. The fridge was empty. No! All of the pudding cups…heck, even all of the dang jell-o cups were gone. What was Eggman supposed to do? He couldn't send any robots out to get him Panda Express; they were all on missions. His only choice was to go to the store and find some Slim Jims.
On his way down the street, Eggman fantasized about the rich, golden Twinkies he would purchase. They would make fine stirring apparatuses for a fresh pack of chocolate-vanilla swirl pudding cups. Suddenly, some random guy walked up.
"Damn…you're having an affair with Little Debby," he remarked, laughing at Eggman's lardness.
"Excuse me…" said Eggman. He didn't have a wife or a girlfriend; how could he possibly be having an affair?
"You're so fat you've got little fat people orbiting you!"
That comment made no sense. Clearly, Eggman did not have small people in elliptical paths around him. Unless admirers counted.
"You're so fat you jumped in the ocean and said, 'Why are we in the kiddy pool?'"
"I have never jumped into the ocean."
"Then all the whales started singing 'We Are Family'."
"Whales don't sing."
"You're so fat that America wants to use you as a tourist attraction!"
Finally Eggman got what this guy was trying to tell him. Of course! Americans were stupid, and they wanted a person far more superior than them to stare at!
"Thank you for pointing that out! Indeed, people enjoy staring at those who are far superior to themselves," Eggman said with a grin.
"Yeah, superior in size."
This time, Eggman understood.
"You skinny twit! You are far less superior than I, and you are a sorry waste of my precious time! Now go away, or I'll taser you!" he said, reaching for the device in his pocket.
"Whoa! I didn't know you had a taser! I thought you already had enough blubber to protect yourself!"
The guy had to be dumber than that blue hedgehog to say something like that to someone with a weapon.
Eggman tried to hit the guy with the taser, but he jumped away too fast.
"Too slow, fatso!"
That made Eggman angrier. He tried to tase the guy again, but he jumped out of the way just in time.
"Missed me, Lardosaurus!" laughed the random guy. Then the dude's cell rang. He answered it while dodging Eggman's taser jabs.
"Yeah, I can talk…..there's just some fat guy trying to taser me…No, no he's not a cop…"
The guy looked back at Eggman. "You ain't a cop, right?"
"No," said Eggman, breathing deeply.
The guy continued on his phone, unfazed.
"Yeah, see, I told ya….No way, man!…..You went without me? Unclean, man. Unclean….yeah, I'll come….Sweet! She's going, too?…..Dude! Don't say that…"
He looked back at Eggman.
"I enjoyed the game, fatty, but now I've got to go and have a life." He schlepped toward the bar down the street.
Eggman was too tired to finish the four-block walk to Wal-Mart, so he just went home.
He opened the door to his house and-
"Surprise! BABY SHOWER!" The robots had even managed to hang a few pastel-colored balloons.
"What the hell-"
"Eggman! Congrats on the new bundle of joy!" said one of his robots.
"I can feel the baby kick," said another, putting his hand on Eggman's stomach.
"I'M NOT PREGNANT, YOU IDIOTS!" yelled Eggman, slapping the robot to the ground.
"But you've gained more weight," said another.
"And you're eating more."
"I'm a MAN! Men don't get pregnant!"
"Oh! See, I told you guys! He lays EGGS. That's why he's called Eggman!"
"Men lay eggs?" asked another robot.
"Men don't lay eggs, and I'm NOT pregnant!"
"So you're just fat?"
"Yes!...I mean, NO!...I mean, who's dumb idea was this!"
"Sonic told us that you would LOVE a baby shower to celebrate this wonderful bundle of joy!"
"If it's a girl, you could name it Debbie. Little Debbie….AAWWW…"
"Let's hope she doesn't grow up to be a….Ho-ho! BWAAAHAHA!"
"Wait. Sonic!" Wow. Eggman's robots really were dumb. They had actually listened to that stupid blue hedgehog.
Eggman was about to blow up every signal one of the freaking robots, but the smell of cake stopped him. And this cake wasn't a lie. He ran to the dessert table and…saw…the….FROSTING. He dove in with all his lardness, spewing pale pink frosting and little figurines of woodland creatures in diapers all over the floor.
Little did he know that there was a hidden video camera on the platter, placed there by a certain hedgehog eager to get some hits on YouTube.
I probably should have updated my other story, but I didn't feel like it. So, I wrote this little weird story. Probably be only one chapter, unless I get some crazy idea. I don't know maybe he could get a shake weight or go to yoga class or something. Thank you Nicole for editing. Doncha wish yall had a awesome sister like me.
R- Review because you love me
E- Evil awesome people review
V- Very evil awesome people review
I- I want you to review
E- Crap there's another "e"
W- Whales would review this story, and whales are awesome.
Ye olde editor hath attempted to slay this dragon called…Dyslexia. She hath wielded the mystical sword called Grammatica, and vanquished the flames of the ancient…YEAH, WHATEVER! JUST REVIEW MY SISTER'S STORY, OKAY?