The Day Draco Malfoy Lost Something Very Important
A/N: This is what happens when I spend too much time letting my mind wander while in class: complete nonsense. It all started in my classical lit class when we were discussing a comedic scene where they're essentially playing 'find the phallus' under a man's skirt (long story, you'd have to read the play). Anyway while I was listening, I was thinking 'wouldn't it be funnier if it actually actively fled? And so the beginning of this story was born.
Thanks to my friend Adrian for beta reading this!
I've rated this story T, because I didn't think there was really much to warrant an M, but if you think it needs to be higher, feel free to tell me. This is a oneshot that actually stayed a oneshot! Hooray!
Draco pulled his knees against his chest and wrapped his arms around them. A bad dream. That's what was happening; one of those horrible nightmares that he couldn't seem to wake up from. Everything would be normal when he woke up in the morning.
Pinching himself, Draco winced. Nope, not a dream. He stretched his legs out straight and pulled back the waistband of his pants to peek inside. Still gone. This was bad.
He wasn't supposed to go into that room, he knew that. But, like a child drawn to a shiny object, he'd been unable to resist. Now he was faced with a horrible, terrifying, embarrassing problem. Hermione was going to kill him for ruining her experiment, then she was going to laugh hysterically for a very long time. Hopefully she would be in a good enough mood to help him get it back – after all, she'd seemed rather fond of that particular organ in the past.
He glanced worriedly at the clock; maybe he could fix this mess himself and Hermione wouldn't have to know that he'd even set foot into her workroom. As the Head Boy and Girl, they were both allowed their own space to practice magic off their common room, but Draco's workroom wasn't under protections as strong as those of his female counterpart. She claimed there was something very important and very secret happening in there and he was never to step foot near the room. Of course he'd taken that as an invitation to see how fast he could break through the extensive protection spells.
The end result of ignoring her warnings was very severe; a loss that he wasn't going to be able to replace with all the magic in the world. Finding the thing was going to be difficult. By no means was it small, but Hogwarts was a huge place and it could be anywhere. He had to find it before someone else did and he had to explain how he had managed to lose it.
His eyes widened with a new realization; what if she'd set up that trap for the unavoidable time when he finally gave into his curiosity and peeked into her workroom? Her friends didn't seem to notice, but Draco knew that Hermione Granger could be one of the most conniving and devious women he'd ever met when she wanted to be – it was one of the things that had first attracted him to her.
No. It would be best to send her an urgent message and hope she came back from the library soon.
What kind of sadistic project are you working on in that lair of yours? You need to come back and fix this; neither of us will be happy if the damage ends up permanent.
Satisfied that she'd be sufficiently worried and leave her precious books to make sure he was fine, Draco folded his parchment into a paper airplane and sent it off in search of the bushy-haired Gryffindor.
True to her nature, a very worried Hermione burst into their common room only minutes after he'd send the note. She didn't even comment on the abrupt nature of the message, she'd become used to his unwillingness to show affection on paper – he was concerned that someone would use it against him.
"What happened?" She asked, still panting heavily from her run.
"I seem to have lost a rather important organ."
At her look of confusion, Draco sighed; he was going to have to spell it out for her. Glancing down pointedly, he repeated his sentence. "I seem to have lost something very important."
While her innocence was usually adorable, at the moment, it was only frustrating. "My cock Granger! It's bloody missing! What the hell were you working on in there?"
Hermione paled. "You went into my workroom?"
"No, I just thought it would be entertaining to see what would happen if I literally hexed my balls off and now I seemed to have misplaced them." He snapped. For someone so smart, she was being remarkably slow when he needed her to be thinking fast. What if there was a time limit before he wouldn't be able to reattach it? He shuddered at the mere thought.
"Draco, the spell I was working on in there was very unstable and unpredictable. The room was locked for a reason, and you went and let your curiosity get the better of you and-"
"Granger! Can you stop the lecturing for once and tell me how to fix this?"
"I don't know!" She wailed, clearly almost as distressed as him. "The spell wasn't supposed to do that, it was supposed to be a new kind of contraceptive charm that would work for longer than the hour the usual one lasts..."
"Well, I think you've more than covered that." Draco snapped. He was in serious danger of never having children, so she'd really gone above and beyond her goal in her usual overachieving manner.
"There's no need to be so angry with me, this is entirely your fault. I've told you again and again not to go in there and you ignored my warnings!"
"I'm not the one working on vicious forms of contraception!"
"It's my final charms project! And it won't be so... literal when it's finished." She defended, looking upset that he'd accuse her of intending harm to any living creature. Wonderful, now he'd offended her delicate Gryffindor sensibilities.
"Well, is it gone for good?" He sighed; tired of blaming her if she was only going to get all melancholy on him. It was best when she got angry at him and yelled back, then they could have a row and be over it. When she only got melancholy his pesky conscience made him feel bad.
She tilted her head to the side and contemplated his question, which wasn't a comforting sight; she was supposed to immediately say no and tell him how to get it back.
"No, the spell wasn't designed to vanish anything... It's probably hiding around the Head quarters somewhere." She eventually decided, with less than the usual confidence in her answer.
"Then you take the second floor and I'll take the first floor." When she looked like she was going to say something he continued, "Don't worry, I won't be going anywhere near your workroom for a very long time."
Together, the pair turned the entire Head quarters upside-down, to no avail; Draco's penis was officially missing.
They gathered in the common room to regroup. "You could always go to the Hospital Wing and see if Madam Pomfrey can do anything for you," Hermione suggested, attempting to be helpful.
Draco's death-glare suggested that he would rather hex his own balls off than have anyone know that he had lost them in a careless spell accident. Her experiment may have been the cause of his current condition, but it was his pride that was going to leave him eternally a eunuch.
"We could always try to make a new one with magic?" Hermione knew her suggestion was a bad one when Draco jumped up from his chair and started to pace angrily.
"I was somewhat attached to the old one." He snapped. "Sentimental reasons, I'm sure you understand."
"No need to be so testy." She immediately winced, knowing she'd chosen the wrong wording.
A roll of thunder suddenly shook the castle an instant before they heard heavy rain pelting against the window panes. The sudden change in weather distracted the two from starting yet another row.
"We should just go to bed," Draco grumbled. All of his anger had suddenly fled with the appearance of the storm, to be replaced with melancholy resignation. Somewhere in the castle was his wayward wiener was probably scaring first-years or making its way towards the castle doors so it could set out on its own to seek its fortune. Horrified, Draco thought of all the things waiting just outside the castle doors that wouldn't think twice about murdering his poor, defenceless penis.
Hermione headed towards her room and looked back at him expectantly. "You go without me," Draco dismissed.
"We don't have to have sex to share a bed," Hermione said quietly.
The blonde narrowed his silver eyes. "I've already been emasculated enough, I'm not about to add 'cuddling all night long' on top of this humiliation."
Looking hurt, Hermione turned and ran up the stairs. Draco winced a little when she slammed her door a tad too hard. He didn't really blame her for his current predicament, but spending the night with her would just make his recent loss all the more poignant.
"Draco! I found it." Hermione's excited voice yelled, interrupted his brooding. He immediately jumped up from his seat and bolted to her room, frantic to reunite with his missing part.
Hermione was holding the covers on her bed back and staring with amusement; there, nestled among her blankets and pillows was Draco's missing manhood. It was kind of disturbing to see it detached like that... She was used to it resting between Draco's legs, not hiding in her bed... by itself. This whole incident was highly disturbing.
"I think it likes me better than you." Hermione said smugly. After all, it had chosen her bed over Draco's.
"Can't imagine why, you kneed it rather hard just last week."
"You know that was an accident, you were tickling me!" She said defensively. He was a ruthless tickler, and never failed to blame her when she lashed out at him in defence, the prat.
"Wait a minute, why didn't you check your bed before now?" Draco demanded. He would have found the blush that spread across her cheeks lovely had he not been so irritated with her carelessness.
"I didn't think it would be able to climb up there..." She mumbled, looking down in embarrassment.
"And I didn't think it would be able to detach, but it had no problem doing that."
Hermione rolled her eyes and ignored him; he was being so sensitive about the whole thing. She was sure he would one day find their current situation very amusing. Maybe then he'd stop with the brooding and laugh about it with her.
"I wonder why it chose my bed?" She wondered aloud, perching on the edge of her mattress. "Maybe the storm scared it and it was hiding somewhere it felt safe?"
A blonde brow rose and he regarded her with a look of disbelief. Only Draco could manage to question someone's sanity, make them realize their own stupidity and let them know he was laughing at you inside even if he wasn't actually going to smile about it with one simple brow movement. It was a talent of his – an infuriating talent.
"My guess is it's here because of the fond memories."
Hermione glared. "So it can have memories, but I'm barmy for thinking it can get scared?"
He waved a dismissive hand towards her, ignoring her anger even though he knew that would only infuriate her further. "It's not really important why it's there, what's important is putting it back where it should be." His voice was tight from his effort to keep his tone relatively civil.
He hesitated as he looked down at it just laying there on the bed. "Do we just... use a sticking charm on it?"
"We could try, but I think once the charm wore off it would try to escape again." Hermione was trying desperately hard to hold back her laughter, but the bewildered look on his face was just so hilarious. This whole thing was his fault for snooping anyway. Maybe if he could keep his pointy nose out of her business for once...
"Well then what do you recommend, Miss know-it-all?" He snapped. She could understand his irritation, but he could be a little nicer about it...
"Take off your pants and I'll see what I can do," she ordered.
Draco's expression immediately went from despondent to interested. "Why do you never say things like that when it's attached?"
She slapped him on the chest and crossed her arms until the prat rolled his eyes and did what he was told. "You're just lucky I'm so far ahead in my project, we're not supposed to start the counter-curse for another month."
Grabbing the phallus as it tried to burrow under her pillow and escape; Hermione kneeled down in front of him and held it in the approximate place it belonged before closing her eyes and reversing the spell.
"Did you just close your eyes and hope for the best as you cast that spell?" Draco demanded incredulously, looking down at her.
Hermione blushed and looked away. "I haven't exactly perfected the counter-curse yet. It was either going to work or explode."
He stared at her in disbelief, unable to believe she'd just risked him like that. Tugging his pants up angrily, Draco stormed out of the room, he couldn't even look at her.
It had been an exhausting, stressful day and he was completely out of energy. As he was putting his pyjama pants on, he made sure to thoroughly check that everything was still where it should be and in working order. Satisfied that he wasn't going to suffer any long-term damage, the blonde went to bed.
After tossing and turning for what felt like hours, Draco sighed and gave up on sleeping. Rolling over, he glared fiercely at the ceiling. He knew Hermione was probably beating herself up over his reaction even though blaming her was uncalled for. His sodding subconscious wasn't going to let him get any rest until he'd gone and reconciled with the bushy-haired know-it-all.
A creak from landing outside his room warned him that someone was approaching.
"Draco?" A small voice called from the hall. The doorknob turned and the door creaked open. Her hair appeared first, but her face quickly followed. "Draco, are you awake?"
"Yes," he sighed.
Her soft footsteps padded across the room. The bed dipped under her weight as she perched on the edge, unsure if she was welcome there. "The exploding thing was a joke... I know it was tasteless, but I was panicking a little... You would never have forgiven me if I hadn't been able to reverse the spell – I wouldn't have forgiven myself."
Draco sighed again and reached out in the dark to pull her close. She snuggled against his side and pulled the covers over the both of them. "It was my fault too, you warned me repeatedly not to go into that room."
Hermione nestled closer and started running her hand down his chest, not stopping when she reached the waistband of his pants, instead continuing lower. "Now that it's reattached, I think we should make sure it's working properly."
Draco was more than happy to oblige her.
Much later, when both of them had thoroughly tested Draco's newly attached part and found it more than satisfactory, Draco thought of something. "Granger, you will never breathe a word of what happened today to anyone. Ever." He tried for threatening, but was too tired to properly manage it – not that it ever seemed to work properly on her.
Hermione blinked at him sleepily. "I don't know... I may have to list this incident as a trial run of the spell when I present it to the class..." She was asleep before she could hear his offended sputtering.
Hermione decided it would be best that she scrapped her entire project in favour of something less... 'sadistic' as Draco said. She refused to tell him the nature of this new charm and once again banned him from her workroom, hoping the last incident had been enough to teach him that he should only go in there if she was already inside, and only after knocking first.
A month into her new project, Hermione came back to the common room and discovered a pile of clothes that looked suspiciously similar to Draco's. Her eyes moved slowly to the open door to her workroom, and the feeling of dread that had been developing in the pit of her stomach intensified tenfold.
Confirming her suspicions, a chattering and hissing ferret rushed out from behind the sofa and attacked her feet. He was glaring venomously at her with his tiny eyes as he attempted to gnaw through the toe of her left shoe.
"Don't take it out on me; this is entirely your fault." She told him.
The chattering and hissing only intensified, and he gnawed on her shoe with a new vigour. She really hoped he didn't actually get through to her poor toes.
"Do you at least have all your parts this time?"
He actually let go of her foot to bounce a few times in tiny ferret fury. She took that as a yes... followed by a string of detailed profanities. If he could just mind his own business then she wouldn't have to keep facing his anger when he got tangled in her projects.
"I think you should stay like that for a while. Maybe you'll learn to stay out of my workroom if you spend a few days as a ferret."
He hung his tiny head in false misery and went in search of something to use for a nest; Hermione's underwear drawer seemed like the perfect place to start - he wasn't about to just quietly accept being trapped as a ferret, he'd get the upper hand yet.