Characters: Colonel Klink and Fraulein Hilda
Rating: K+
Warnings/Spoilers: none
Author's Note: Hogan's Heroes" is not mine nor do I own any part of it.
Summary: Attempting to put an advert out for a new adjutant is not easy with Major Hochstetter listening in on the other side.


"Colonel Klink, Herr Strauss is ready to transcribe your request," said Hilda as she handed the phone over to the Commandant of Stalag 13.
Eager to quit his pacing of a whole infuriating minute, Colonel Klink snatched up the phone and spoke readily, "Yes yes, this is Colonel Klink speaking! Of course I've got the message ready! What do you think I've been doing this last minute, cooking?"

The scowl on Klink's face disappeared in an instant and was replaced with a grin forced out of panic. "Oh, you have Major Hochstetter with you, I see… well, yes. He comes first, naturally, I agree." He gestured in the air as he spoke, as if to further his cowed demeanour. "Whenever you are ready, take all the time, oh… you're waiting on me, okay. Here it is."

Klink swiped the paper that Hilda had been patiently holding for him and said, "Wanted: Adjutant for Luftstalag. Must be of Leutnant rank, have strong work ethics, proficiency in the English and French language; a sense of cruelty, discipline, and a strict adherence for rules and regulations!" The Colonel took a quick moment to clear his throat before continuing, "Must not be afraid of guard dogs, explosions, French cuisine, and the occasional Gestapo."

His face soured as though he had bit into something disgusting. "No Major Hochstetter, I was merely joking, kidding, you see…" The expression didn't change and he meakly nodded his head in defeat. "Of course, no humour. Strictly business. Of course."

Giving the paper a shake to clear his thoughts, Klink began again, "Our record here at Stalag 13 is flawless with zero escapes! If you wish to join the Third Reich's leading prisoner of war camps, and have a chance at training under the best that Germany has to offer," he paused for a moment, groaning silently as laughter from the other end filled the reciever. He simpered, "then Stalag 13 is the place for you! That is all."

The laughter hadn't died down, furthering the Colonel's unhappiness. The corners of his mouth sagged to a new low, and he cast a disheartened frown at his secretary. Hilda could only give a half-hearted smile of encouragement.

"It'll be in tomorrow's post?" asked Klink suddenly, his voice not picking up from its fallen volume. He raised his hand up in salute, "Yes, yes, Heil Hitler."

When he hung up the phone, Klink put his fist to his chin, something he always did to help him think. He said absently, "You know fraulein Hilda, I hope that whoever they send my way will have just a little bit more respect for my seniority. They just don't realise what a chore it is to run a prisoner of war camp! Everything I have to deal with…!"

He sighed miserably and hoped that tomorrow would bring him better news.