The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off watching cartoons somewhere. Just a thought running through my mind, how would the Joes react to the new Renegade cartoon?
Another Cartoon Romance Gone Wrong
"We really need to talk to General Hawk about these licensing agreements," Flint groaned as he watched the television in the Rec Room with some other Joes. "Another cartoon about us? This is getting ridiculous!"
"I know," Shipwreck agreed. "I know he said we needed the extra funding to keep the Pit running but come on! We couldn't have blown up that much stuff on base!"
"I don't know. This new cartoon isn't that bad," Roadblock shrugged as he watched. "The animation ain't that great, but there's really nothing much more of this to hate."
"Easy for you to say!" Shipwreck snapped. "You're one of the few Joes that are actually in this cartoon! I can't believe they didn't put me in this!"
"Well there's one point for this cartoon then," Low Light quipped. "I guess it's not all bad."
"What I want to know is what's this garbage about me, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Tunnel Rat and Roadblock being vigilantes?" Duke folded his arms.
"Only because you were framed by Cobra," Lifeline said. "In the cartoon."
"Still it's kind of bothersome seeing us fight our own army and even some fellow Joes," Duke grumbled.
"I gotta admit I'm with you on that front," Beach Head agreed.
"It's supposed to be a fresh and original take on the GI Joe legend," Lifeline made quotation marks in the air.
"If by fresh and original you mean ripping off the A-Team, a TV show from the 80's then yes it is original," Shipwreck rolled his eyes.
"It's still better than the movie," Flint groaned.
"Which one? The GI Joe one or the A-Team one?" Duke asked.
"Both," Flint said. "Still this thing ain't exactly a cinematic masterpiece either. I come off looking arrogant and smug! I'm way too sure of myself and think I'm God's gift to the military!"
"And what exactly about that isn't true about you?" Lady Jaye smirked.
"Ha, ha…" Flint gave her a look. "And it's not just the fact that I'm some poor Colonel Decker rip off in his, they got everything wrong."
"Especially the football game!" Duke agreed. "The only thing they got right was that once my team and Flint's team did play! But other than that it was a total lie!"
"So your team beat his team? You never told me that you played high school football," Lady Jaye remarked.
"Well uh, technically I didn't. I was on the baseball, track and tennis teams," Flint admitted. "My dad however coached our school football team and I helped out."
"You were the water boy, Flint," Duke said.
"I was a temporary Hydration Manager," Flint snapped. "And you're one to talk you weren't the quarterback. You were the kicker. And you missed!"
"There was a shift in the wind," Duke said. "It happens!"
"You missed the football, Duke!" Flint snapped. "You kicked and missed the football completely and fell on your backside!"
"You're kidding?" Shipwreck laughed.
"I swear to God it looked like a scene out of Peanuts," Flint said. "I was expecting Snoopy and all the gang to come running out any second. The team played like a bunch of Charlie Browns."
"We won the game! Six nothing!" Duke snapped.
"We would have gotten the points if that receiver kept running the wrong way," Flint grumbled. "His mom practically ran out onto the field and had to turn him around so he'd run to the right goalpost!"
"His mom? Wait…We're not talking high school football are we?" Shipwreck did a double take.
"No," Flint admitted. "Pee Wee Inter State League."
"That cartoon took a lot of liberties with the truth," Duke groaned.
"No kidding," Lady Jaye blinked. "Nobody's leg got broken huh?"
"Some kid wet himself and I skinned my knee but no…," Duke shrugged.
"I didn't wet myself. I spilled some of the water on me!" Flint snapped. "Two open jugs of water is a lot to carry for a ten year old."
"Personally I'm glad that I'm not in this cartoon," Beach Head grunted.
"I'm with you on that," Low Light agreed.
"I could go without Tunnel Rat being in on it," Beach Head moaned. "That man's head is getting bigger than a snow pile in a New England winter. Ever since this stupid cartoon came out he's been strutting around like he's some kind of superstar."
"Where is Rat anyway?" Flint looked around.
"He's talking to his fan club," Shipwreck grumbled as he folded his arms. "Got a bunch of nuts on the Internet worshiping him. Lucky bastard."
"Is that another reason you're mad at this cartoon?" Beach Head asked. "Tunnel Rat is getting the fans and you aren't?"
"Hey at least I'm not running around on some personal ninja vendetta because my honor has been soiled or whatever Scarlett and Snake Eyes call it," Shipwreck gave him a look.
"Oh yeah I wondered where those two were," Beach Head looked around. "Those two are spending a lot of time together. Better be careful Duke, or else that ninja will steal your woman."
Everyone froze when Beach Head said that. "I tell you one thing though, this cartoon really puts a new spin on your relationship with Scarlett," Beach Head went on oblivious to what was happening. "I mean you two are really hostile to each other in the cartoon without any romance at all. It's like she's with Snake Eyes and you don't have a shot."
"Excuse me…" Duke got up with an angry look in his eye and stormed out of the room.
"What's his problem?" Beach Head blinked.
"What's his problem? What's your problem?" Lady Jaye snapped. "I can't believe you said that!"
"How could you say that?" Lifeline snapped.
"Why did you say that?" Roadblock asked.
"And you guys call me clueless and insensitive!" Shipwreck groaned.
"You are clueless and insensitive," Low Light said. "But for once Beach Head has gotten you beat."
"What?" Beach Head looked around. Everyone was glaring at him. "What did I say?"
"How could you rub that in Duke's nose after what happened?" Lady Jaye asked.
"That was cold man," Roadblock shook his head. "Real cold. Arctic blast cold."
"After what happened?" Beach Head asked. "Someone tell me what's going on?"
"Oh come on don't act like you don't know!" Flint snapped.
"Know what?" Beach Head asked. "What are Duke and Scarlett having some kind of romantic problems or something?"
"Oh God you are more clueless than Shipwreck!" Low Light groaned. "And that is a very high standard to beat!"
"Yeah!" Shipwreck snapped. "Even I knew about Scarlett dumping Duke for Snake Eyes!"
"Scarlett dumped Duke for Snake Eyes?" Beach Head did a double take. "When did this happen?"
"Two years ago today!" Flint snapped. "How could you forget after what happened?"
"What are you talking about? What happened?" Beach Head asked.
"I can't believe you forgot what happened after that whole mess!" Shipwreck snapped.
"Forgot what? I have no idea what you are talking about!" Beach Head snapped.
"How could you not know after what happened?" Lifeline asked.
"WHAT HAPPENED? What are you talking about?" Beach Head asked.
"Hold on…Two years ago wasn't Beach Head off base or something?" Low Light realized.
"Yeah I was sent to Camp Fullerton to help find new Green Shirts and see if there were any new Joes worth training there," Beach Head remembered. "I was there for at least four months and right after that I was sent on that mission in the Amazon to help stop Cobra's illegal lumberjacking operation there."
"That's right. You weren't here when it all went down," Roadblock said. "No wonder you were talking like a clown."
"When what went down?" Beach Head snapped. "Somebody tell me what's going on? What happened with Duke and Scarlett?"
"It happened two years ago," Lifeline said. "Duke and Scarlett were together. Everything seemed fine until Duke got a few phone calls from some ex-girlfriends. Scarlett got a bit mad."
"Mad at some girls calling Duke?" Beach Head asked.
"That and one of them sent him some naked pictures," Lady Jaye gave him a look.
"To be fair Duke never solicited them but Scarlett found out…" Flint said.
"And that's when she dumped him?" Beach Head asked.
"No, that's not what happened," Lifeline shook his head. "They had a small fight which led them to decide to make up. They both decided to be honest and tell each other everything about their romantic past."
"And as you can figure out that's what led to an even bigger fight," Shipwreck said. "Particular when Duke found out that Scarlett once dated Snake Eyes a while back before either of them joined the Joes. And before Snake Eyes had his accident when…You know…?" He made a kaboom sound and indicated the area around his face.
"Which by the way Scarlett was also on that same mission when that happened," Flint added.
"They both broke up after that incident because Scarlett felt a little guilty that Snake Eyes was maimed trying to save her even though he was also saving three other guys at the same time," Lady Jaye said. "And Snake Eyes was very self-conscious about his injury."
"To be fair I'd be self-conscious too if my face was blown off," Low Light added.
"Kind of hard not to be aware of that if you think about it," Shipwreck said. "It would wreck any guy's confidence."
"Except for you Shipwreck because in your case it would be an improvement," Low Light quipped.
"Heh, heh, heh, very funny," Shipwreck gave him a look. "Anyway Duke had always known that Scarlett and Snake Eyes had a close relationship but he didn't know how close they really were until then."
"He kind of over reacted," Lady Jaye said.
"Well how was he expected to react when he found out the girl he was in love with once dated one of his best friends?" Flint snapped.
"Well he didn't have to make an ass of himself screaming over the PA system so the entire base could hear!" Lady Jaye snapped.
"He screamed over the PA system?" Beach Head asked.
"Yeah from what we figured out the two of them were…going to make up when they must have accidentally turned on the system," Lifeline coughed. "Long story short…Scarlett was extremely embarrassed when she realized everyone on base heard her. And suggested that she and Duke take a break from their relationship."
"Actually her exact words were, 'Duke call me when you decide to grow up and grow a pair'," Shipwreck smirked.
"Followed by 'Shipwreck don't even think about hitting on me right now or else I'd cut you open like can of tuna,'" Low Light added.
"For the next three days things were pretty tense," Roadblock said. "Duke and Scarlett and Snake Eyes weren't speaking to each other. Well mostly Duke to Scarlett and Snake Eyes."
"Of course Snake Eyes can't speak at all but you probably figured that out," Shipwreck said. "Apparently however he is very good at sign language and body language. And so is Scarlett."
"Scarlett and Snake Eyes had some kind of talk and realized that they really loved each other and it was only their insecurities that were keeping them apart," Lifeline said. "Then they got back together permanently. Unfortunately for Duke…He wasn't aware of this."
"Duke decided that he would talk to Scarlett and forgive her for her transgressions whatever they were in his office," Lady Jaye groaned. "He also had the bright idea to leave the PA system on while he was doing it."
"Why would he…?" Beach Head was stunned.
"I guess he figured since the entire base knew about the breakup in the first place they might as well listen in on the resolution," Low Light shrugged. "That was a really stupid maneuver."
"As well as saying that he forgave Scarlett when she really hadn't done anything wrong in the first place," Lady Jaye said.
"Let me guess. Scarlett chewed him out for being a jerk and then she told him she was back together with Snake Eyes," Beach Head said.
"Bingo, Joe," Roadblock nodded. "That's when Duke got really down."
"He didn't get down, he had a breakdown!" Low Light groaned.
"Mister All American Perfect Pretty Boy was dumped for a guy with no face," Shipwreck shrugged. "Can't really beat that."
"Wait Duke had a breakdown?" Beach Head was stunned.
"Yeah he locked himself in his office for hours," Lady Jaye said. "He was crying and listening to Elvis. We could all hear him because he still had his PA system on."
"For the next four hours the song Heartbreak Hotel was heard all across the base…" Flint groaned. "The same damn song. Four hours of it. Nothing else over the PA system but that song…And the occasional very loud crying fits."
"Of course all the ninjas and half the base were on Team Snake Eyes so they weren't going to break in and help him," Shipwreck explained. "But I was willing to help him! I stood by that door and tried to encourage him. I told him about all the times I got dumped and how I bounced right back. Then I said that I would stay by his side to help him get through this no matter what it took and I'd personally make it my mission to help him get over Scarlett."
"And that's when Duke really started crying," Roadblock moaned.
"I was just trying to help!" Shipwreck said.
"Shipwreck going over a list of hookers and asking the man 'Do you want any redheads or is it too soon?' is not help for a man who has had a serious break up!" Lady Jaye snapped.
"Hey! At least I was trying to be positive which was more than what the two of you were doing!" Shipwreck pointed to both Flint and Lady Jaye. "I'm not the one who had a fight over who was wrong in Duke's relationship and telling him that he was an idiot and he deserved to get dumped!"
"You told Duke that he deserved to get dumped?" Beach Head yelled at Lady Jaye.
"Uh no…I kind of told him that," Flint cleared his throat nervously. "I was kind of on Team Snake Eyes."
"Kind of? You helped run the betting pool!" Lady Jaye snapped. "I was the one who wanted Duke and Scarlett to be together!"
"Big surprise. You wanted an ally to gang up on me," Flint grumbled.
"Let's not start that argument again!" Lady Jaye snapped.
"Please don't!" Roadblock said firmly. "It was bad enough the first time with you two screaming that argument using dueling bullhorns!"
"Bullhorns?" Beach Head asked.
"Well the music was pretty loud and we had to stand outside his window because there was a crowd at the door trying to pull Shipwreck away from it," Lady Jaye coughed. "So I decided to get a bullhorn and stand outside his window to give Duke some encouragement…When Mister Buttinski over here decided to get his own bullhorn and tell Duke all the mistakes he made! Thanks a lot mister!"
"I was just pointing out that his relationship with Scarlett was obviously doomed to failure anyway and there was nothing he could have done to salvage it," Flint snapped.
"Saying 'Ha, Ha! I won a hundred and fifty bucks because I was right' is not the most tactful way of telling someone when their relationship is over!" Lady Jaye snapped. "At least I was suggesting relationship counseling!"
"Oh yeah that would work!" Flint scoffed. "All the counseling in the world wouldn't have saved that couple! I told you three months before that happened that that relationship was doomed to failure. But did you listen to me? No! God forbid you listen to anything I say!"
"You always have to be right don't you?" Lady Jaye shouted.
"Not always, just most of the time!" Flint snapped. "And in this case I was! So suck on it!"
"Oh very mature you…" Lady Jaye began.
"ENOUGH!" Roadblock yelled. "I SAID NO FIGHTING AND I MEANT IT! YOU WANNA GET ON MY BAD SIDE?"
"No…" Both Flint and Lady Jaye said dejectedly.
"Then behave yourselves!" Roadblock snapped.
"As you probably have figured out by now Beach Head, between Shipwreck and Mister and Mrs. Marriage Councilor over there Duke was not getting the help he needed," Low Light pointed. "So when they finally broke down the door they had to send Duke away for a couple of weeks to get some help."
"And by help they sent him to a retreat somewhere in the woods with Psyche Out," Shipwreck smirked. "So as you can imagine the man was a little crazier than when he left."
"That first day back was a bit tense," Lifeline sighed. "Especially when he and Snake Eyes had that knife fight in the cafeteria."
"No one was seriously injured," Lady Jaye explained. "Well except for one Green Shirt who got stabbed in the butt but he's fine now."
"Eventually Duke and Snake Eyes made up and Duke was able to be civil to Scarlett but their relationships were never the same after that," Flint sighed. "And neither was the cafeteria after the knife fight."
"I thought the place had been redecorated," Beach Head remarked.
"General Hawk wasn't too please on how the whole situation was handled and didn't want word getting out of what happened," Flint explained.
"We all made a pact then and there that it would never get out and we'd never tell another living soul," Shipwreck said. "Except now that we told you. So technically we did break the pact. Oh and I did kind of tell a few of my relatives what happened in my letters back home so that's pretty much a moot point."
"Yeah so anyway…" Low Light began.
"And I may have repeated this story to a couple of my poker buddies overseas," Shipwreck said. "You know when I was on leave?"
"Uh huh…As I was gonna say…" Low Light said.
"Oh and I did write to Reader's Digest and submitted it under the Humor in Military category," Shipwreck said. "Obviously I changed the names and instead of Snake Eyes' face blown off I made it his legs. And I threw in a little bit with hookers and troubles with saluting but that was just to lighten the mood. That reminds me I've yet to hear back from those guys."
"Hold on a second," Low Light held up his hand. He casually picked up a magazine and rolled it up. He then walked over to Shipwreck and whacked him hard on the head a few times. Then he walked back. "So as I was saying we all thought it was for the best that no one ever mentioned the incident again."
"Who in their right mind wouldn't cover up their commanding officer having an emotional breakdown after an extremely emotional break up?" Flint snapped.
"Besides Shipwreck of course," Low Light glared at the sailor.
"So I wanted to tell Duke's humiliating story for profit? Does that make me a bad person?" Shipwreck asked.
Again his question was answered when Low Light walked over and hit Shipwreck repeatedly with the magazine. "Low Light, don't hit Shipwreck with a magazine!" Lifeline snapped. "Even if he does deserve it."
"Don't worry. Its last week's TV Guide so I'm not doing any damage to something valuable," Low Light said.
"It's not the magazine I'm worried about and you know it," Lifeline said.
"Well it can't be Shipwreck's brain since he doesn't have one," Low Light said.
"Hey!" Shipwreck said. Again he got hit on the head. "Will you stop doing that?"
"Yeah Low Light, leave some for Duke," Flint scoffed.
"You know Lifeline, technically a magazine is not a weapon," Low Light told him. "Hitting him with it doesn't do any permanent damage. Not that there's much in his empty head to do much damage to in the first place."
"True. But technically hitting him with a magazine is still violence," Lifeline said.
"No more violent than those padded bats Psyche Out uses in his therapy sessions," Low Light told him. "Think of it as training a dog. A really big really dumb dog."
"Still shouldn't hit a dog," Lifeline said.
"No, but you can hit Shipwreck," Low Light said. "He deserves it more than a dog."
"You gotta admit the man has a point," Lady Jaye said to Lifeline.
"Why are you hitting me? Beach Head's the one that started this whole conversation in the first place!" Shipwreck pointed. "That doesn't deserve a hit?"
"He's got a point," Lady Jaye held out her hand. "Give me the magazine Low Light."
"You are not hitting me with a magazine like I'm Shipwreck!" Beach Head said.
"He's right. Technically he's a superior officer," Flint said. "I however am superior to Beach Head so…" He held out his hand. Low Light gave him the magazine and Flint promptly whacked him with it.
"HEY!" Beach Head snapped. "I do not deserve this kind of abuse!"
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllll since my baby left me! I found a new place to dwell…." The familiar voice of Elvis filled the room. "It's down the end of lonely street…at Heartbreak Hotel…"
"Oh great! He's back into the Elvis again," Low Light groaned. "Thanks a lot Beach Head!"
"Well maybe I did deserve that a little?" Beach Head winced. "It's not like you hit me with an Italian Vogue."
"Good point. Lady Jaye don't you have some Italian Vogue in your quarters?" Flint asked.
"I have a subscription," Lady Jaye gave him a look.
"Hello everyone. I take it you are informed of the situation currently going on," General Hawk walked in with a small magazine.
"He did it! He set Duke off General!" Shipwreck pointed at Beach Head.
"Really? Did he have any part in this?" General Hawk showed him what was in his hand.
"Huh? Hey! Reader's Digest published my story!" Shipwreck looked at the magazine.
"Yes and Duke saw it too!" General Hawk snapped.
"Hit him General Hawk! Hit him with a magazine!" Beach Head pointed.
"Beach Head, I am a general in the United States Army. I can't just go around hitting enlisted men with a magazine even if they do deserve it," General Hawk sighed. "Flint if you don't mind?"
Flint then proceeded to hit both Shipwreck, then Beach Head on the head. Then he hit Shipwreck again. "That last one was for tattling," Flint informed him.
"I feel so lonely I could die…." Duke was heard singing.
"Oh no…" Roadblock sighed. "He's singing. That is not good."
"He's a little flat but he could be better with some practice," Lifeline remarked.
"Okay here's the drill," General Hawk sighed. "Lifeline go get Psyche Out. Beach Head get me someone who can pick a lock. Low Light, Roadblock you two come with me so we can try to talk him out of the office. Or at the very least shut off that damn PA system."
"Anything I can do General Hawk?" Shipwreck asked.
"Actually Shipwreck you can do something constructive," General Hawk said. "Please keep Flint and Lady Jaye away from the bullhorns."