Disclaimer: According to Chapter 9,378 of The Evil Dictator's Guide to Ownership, I own this! ... oh, wait. Maybe not. I misread it. It says I don't own this. Foiled again.

A/N: Reviews? :)

I have a secret. One that I hate to admit, because it's irrelevant. It's not like some deep, dark, evil plot or anything. I have plenty of secrets like that, too. But for some reason, this particular secret seems almost more important.

It makes me shallow, petty, immature, and disgusting to care so much about it when really it's a trivial thing. I mean, everything thinks I'm all of those things anyway. But this just proves them right. For once, I agree with them about the kind of person I am. I mean, who worries about this sort of thing? Seriously. I mean, maybe Genis will in a few years. If he survives that long. I bet Raine did too, and Sheena. And this girl I know from school, Rissa. And probably just about every guy who's ever wanted a girlfriend.

Maybe the gay ones, too.

Okay, enough stalling. Are you ready to hear my big secret?

I, Zelos Rembrandt Wilder (and don't laugh at my name, or else), am a virgin.

No, no, it gets worse. Prepare yourself. Are you sitting down? You should be.

Alright. Despite all my jokes and teasing and flirting and touching and smiling, I have never kissed a girl. Or anyone, for that matter.

I know, it's hard to believe. But it's the truth. I just act like I'm this expert because I don't want anyone to laugh at me.

It's terrible, because I care more about getting my first kiss than saving the world. It's like, it's so hard to imagine that my actions could affect the entire world - and another one - whereas kissing someone is so much more immediate. It's hard to obsess over something vague when I've spent my whole life trying to block that kind of thing out. And kissing is in the here and now. Or it will be, anyway, once I get there.

I got close once. With Rissa. She was this brown-haired chick I knew when I was like fourteen. She had a nice smile. Very nice teeth. Uh... yeah, I guess that's kind of weird. But anyway. I think her eyes were brown, but they could have been blue. It was a long time ago, I forget. I took her out to dinner and kissed her on the cheek. She was cute.

But, well. The next day these girls started saying I was a player and a flirt and that I'd slept with all of them. Rissa never spoke to me again, never even let me explain that they were lying. Well. The reputation stuck. Unfortunately, even the girls who flirted wouldn't dare really do anything with me after that - too much to lose by way of reputation.

So, yeah. That's my big, bad secret, guys. For now. (Picture me winking at this point, lending a dashing sort of handsomeness to my image.)

Look out, ladies. I'm on my way.