Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

The idea struck me and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I don't own Bioware or Avenue Q.




"Soooo, Tali?" Ashley shot a sidelong glance at the engineer. "Could I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Tali began stripping down her shotgun, using the Break-Free lubricant Ash had leant her to clear away a layer of dirt from inside the barrel.

"Well you know turians have three fingers," she hesitated. "And I noticed when we met that you have three fingers as well. Do the turians and quarians have any shared ancestry?"

"What? Ashley I'm surprised at you," Tali put her hands on her hips. "I find that racist. For your information, no! Not all dextro-amino species have the same point of origin. What are trying to say huh? That we all look the same to you?"

"Oh no! Not at all," the marine was more than a little uncomfortable now. "I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist."

"I should think so," Tali was in full lecture mode now. "You should be much more careful when talking about the sensitive subject of race!"

"What? Well look who's talking," Ash protested as she slammed her locker shut. "Just the other day you were talking about how anyone can seek refuge with the flotilla. And when Wrex tried asking about it, you told him that krogan weren't allowed."

"Yes, but that's because all krogan are violent and disruptive," Tali folded her arms defensively.

"Now that's a racist assumption," Ash donned a black jacket with long coat tails, picked up a wooden cane and tucked it under her arm. She glared at Tali, cleared her throat and sang: "You're a little bit racist!"

Tali glared back at the soldier, pulled on a top hat, moisturised her throat and began in a beautiful soprano: "Well you're a little bit too!"

They stared for a moment, then shrugged and shook hands. They sang together now. "I guess we're both a little bit racist, admitting it is not an easy thing to do."

ASHLEY: "But I guess it's true."

TALI: "Between me and you, I think...

TOGETHER: "Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes. Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes!"

CHARLES SARACINO: (Popping out of the MAKO's hatch) "Except for me!"

TALI/ ASHLEY: "Look around I'll think you'll find, no one's really species blind. Maybe it's a fact we all should faaaaaace! Everyone makes judgements based on race!"

Tali picked up her own black coat and cane, while Ashley found another top hat lying on the bench. Tali turned back to her. "No, not big judgements, like who to hire, or go to war with."

"Exactly," Ash agreed enthusiastically. "Just little judgements like, maybe thinking the alien band that recorded the elevator music on the Citadel should face a firing squad."

"Right!" They launched into a tap dance.

TOGETHER: "Everyone's a little bit racist, today. So everyone's a little bit racist, Okay! Xeno jokes may be uncouth, but you laugh because they're based on truth. Don't take them as personal ataaaaaacks! Everyone enjoys them, so relax."

They stopped dancing for a few seconds to catch their breath. Tali was the first to speak. "Okay, stop me if you've heard this one before."


"There's a ship going down, and there's only one escape pod with room for one person. And there's a hanar, an elcor and a krogan!"

"What are you talking about Tali?" Wrex appeared out of nowhere, staring into Tali's eyes with his own mournful gaze. "You were telling a krogan joke, weren't you?"

"Well sure Wrex," Tali winced slightly. "But lots of people tell krogan jokes."

"I don't." He began inching his right hand toward his ceremonial dagger.

"Well sure you don't, you're a krogan," Ash hastily intervened. "But I bet you tell salarian jokes?"

"Of course I do," A grin lit up Wrex's face. "Those stupid, squishy salarians, why I..."

"OKAY, CUT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!" Miranda stormed onto the set. "Look Wrex, I'm just not getting the full impact here. Your species has been decimated by the genophage. You hear a quarian making jokes about your species. I'm not seeing all your pain and anger combining. You said you could do this."

"It's not my fault, I'm working with a bad script!" Wrex complained. "I'm only in this scene because Kaidan and Jacob got ambushed by fangirls in their hotel this morning."

"And whose fault is that?" Thane demanded, looking slightly overworked as he kept writing the final scene. "You said that Urdnot Grunt's Private Security company could handle looking after the two main love interests."

"It's hard to make it in the bodyguard business," Wrex shrugged. "The kid's my nephew, I had to get him a break somehow. And how was I to know that the KAAS would find out where we were keeping him. Or that they would launch a full assault with gunships and tanks?"

"QUIET!" Miranda had her loudspeaker in hand. "Look, this is the last scene in the film. We've finished the 'Jailhouse Rock' number on Purgatory and the 'More Than A Machine To Me' duet between Joker and EDI. 'Reaping Your Love' is set to be the greatest musical of the century. Maybe even worthy of a 'Best Picture' award at the Presidium Move Selection, or PMS as we all know it."

"HEY DIRECTOR!" Saren stormed out of the elevator. "We need to renegotiate my contract!"

"What..." Miranda felt like clawing her eyeballs out. "I brought you back from the dead to play yourself for two scenes because Shepard refused to do anything with realism. The first time we negotiated, we agreed on fifty thousand credits. That's creeped up til you're now being paid one hundred thousand for every day you're on set!"

"Yes but now I'm thinking I should get more scenes. After all, you've got Sovereign doing eight scenes by himself, and he's not even getting paid..."



"Well, it's official folks," Emily Wong beamed at the screen. "Reaping Your Love has won every major award at the PMS. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy won Best Rambling Monologue, for her description of life aboard the Flotilla. Ashley Williams and Jack tied for Best Psychotic Bitch, with William's execution of Urdnot Wrex on Virmire being deemed 'The best case of someone randomly shooting a krogan in the back over a minor disagreement that we've ever seen.'

"Kaidan Alenko and Jacob Taylor were both in the running for best abs in game, but Jacob mysteriously disappeared a few hours before the awards started, thus leaving Alenko to his victory. Best Director was awarded to Miranda Lawson. When informed of her triumph, she said: 'The pretty rainbows keep flying away.' Doctors at the Sydney Institute of Mental Health assured reporters that she has made huge progress and will be ready to rejoin society in one or two months."

"Now if you will excuse me," Emily donned a large t-shirt with the letters KAAS printed across the front. "I have some business I need to take care of."


A/N: I believe that I can use this story in several years to prove that I was insane from birth and that the court really shouldn't convict me on those grounds.