Disclaimer: No owny-poo.


Good Humor

One-Shot

Okay, let me just start out by saying that I have NO idea how this happened. Seriously. My entire life has been completely based around seeking structure and logic and I've always had to sit down and really think things out before I ever did ANYTHING. I don't run on impulses. Everything is thought out and careful, to ensure that no one gets hurt, including myself.

But this... Oh, I don't know how this happened. But it did. And it was IMPULSIVE, I never thought about it even once before it happened! And it had happened so fast and had started so long ago that I... Well, it just plain felt natural at this point... the epitome of utter normalcy... I was so used to feeling it that I'd learned to completely disregard it without a second thought. Heck, without ANY thought. It just... happened. And I didn't even know it.

But after many years, and after several millions of encounters with... her, it finally clicked with me that I was feeling the way I was. And of course, I just had to slap myself in the forehead for not seeing it sooner.

I, Arnold Shortman, am in love with possibly THE most unlikely girl I could ever fall in love with.

Guess... Just guess. Who do you think it is? Lila? No, sorry, got over her years ago, and what I felt for her wasn't even slightly close to what I feel now. Ruth? Uh... really? No. Summer? Absolutely not. She used me! But you are getting closer...

Because I, Arnold Shortman, am in love with Helga G. Pataki.

Yes, Helga the horrible gives me butterflies like you wouldn't believe.

And I have NO idea WHY.

She's vindictive, selfish, sarcastic, pessimistic, rude, cruel, and just plain mean...

And yet I can't get her out of my head!

I suppose I should have seen this coming. I mean, I know she's my bully and everything, but I always was pretty much the only one who could ever see good in her. How else could you explain something as crazy as seeing goodness in the one person who hates your guts? It's love. No matter how hard I've tried to deny it (And believe me when I say I fought that sucker tooth and nail). Her big blue eyes haunt my every dream, her lips are practically all I think of anymore, and seeing her cute golden pigtails bouncing as she walks always makes me smile (Even if I have to hide it behind my Math book).

And it scares the heck out me, too, because I feel like I've been cursed or something. Ever since that whole 'Marriage Predictor' incident back in the forth grade, I've felt like it was my doom to just fall for her and marry her and have to deal with that every single day for the rest of my miserable life. Especially after Nadine told us all in whispers that the supposed 'flaw' in her marriage predictor was that it paired her up with Curly. For all I know, that stupid game had truth to it. And I can't help but believe that it did. Because just look at me now! I've already fallen under her spell and here I am sitting here, pathetically staring at the back of her head all through English class.

Everything about her is just so adorable. Her pigtails drooping slightly and looking so soft, her baseball cap covering who-knows-what (I like to imagine she still wears her pink bow), her beautiful, angry blue eyes glaring at me to stop gawking at her... Oh.

I shift my gaze away from her, blushing. I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea... Or rather, the RIGHT idea. I grimace mentally.

Like I've mentioned before, I have no idea how this happened or WHY, of all the people for me to fall for, it had to be Helga Pataki. But then again, when you think about it, who can really explain why anyone falls for anyone else? I mean, who could have possibly predicted that Phoebe would have fallen for someone as academically confused as Gerald? Or that Gerald would fall for someone as acadamic as Phoebe? Or that LILA would have fallen for my cousin, ARNIE?

It's completely unpredictable, and let's face it - The heart wants, what the heart wants. And for the last I-don't-know-how-long, my heart has been screaming for Helga. And I just CAN'T get it to shut up!

I pretty much just gave up a few months ago. Though after finally realizing my feelings for her, things have definitely been different. Feelings that I'd never even noticed were there have been surfacing, and it's been very unnerving for me. The more time passes, the more I realize just how deep my feelings for her truly run. And it makes me wonder... How long have I felt like this?

I have no idea. But I know that it's been going on for a long time now. That's all I know.

And I hate it. Why do I always end up falling for girls I can never have? I mean, first there was Ruth. She was TWO entire grades higher than me. There was no way she was ever going to end up liking me back, even if she did know my name. And then there was Lila. She made it pretty clear from the beginning that she just wasn't ever going to like me back. I don't know why I persued her when I should have known it was pointless. And then there was Summer... Ha! Do I even have to say it? And then there was always that one really old one I got on Miss... Oh, I can't even remember her name anymore. But she was our subsitute teacher, and really... She was at least ten years older than me, and ENGAGED! There's no way that would have ever worked out.

And now this. But this is just ridiculous, even for me. Helga barely even likes me, let alone LOVES me. I've never had feelings for someone who hated me before. Which is exactly why I've been keeping it a secret. If Helga found out, she'd kill me.

I haven't told anyone yet. Not even Gerald knows. Although I think he's a little suspicious of me, which has been scaring me. I've just been hoping that God would take pity on me and make my feelings start to fade soon. So far, though, all they've done is get stronger. It's times like these that prove for sure that God definitely has a sense of humor. A dark one.

I sigh heavily, allowing my head to just fall down onto my desk with a small clunk.

What's my plan, you may ask?

To find a psychologist and find out what the heck is wrong with me.

And fast.

Suddenly, I feel a spit ball hit me in the head, and my head flies up quick, and my eyes instinctively shoot over to Helga.

I half-expect her to scowl and whisper, "What?" But instead, there's a sly, knowing smile on her face and her eyes are half-lidded. My heart immediately starts to race... stupid heart. But I feel myself nearly have a heart attack when she whispers for me to open it, winks, and then turns back around.

I obey nearly involuntarily and open up the only slightly damp ball of paper on my desk. I can't keep my jaw from dropping when I read the short message written tastefully out on the paper in purple ink...

Pick me up at seven, Football Head. ;)

Helga

After pinching myself to confirm that I didn't just fall asleep on my desk, I feel a huge grin spread across my face.

I take it all back...

God has a WONDERFUL sense of humor!


A/N: Eh-heh. XD Random.

Vroom... Vroom... VROOOM...

REVROOOOOM...IEW!

Okay, that was lame even for me. I'm going to bed.