A/N: This is my first Twilight story which to be honest I never saw myself ever writing, but I cracked. It's set at the end of Eclipse, after Bella went to visit Jacob when he was injured. So... here goes. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Mm, nope, nothing owned by me.
Everything is so hard. This... writing a letter to you... is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm trying my best to make it say everything I need to tell you, but I'm not too sure it does.
Honestly, I have so many copies that weren't good enough I'm now sitting next to a mountain of crumbled up paper, but I've decided, enough is enough.
So this is the final one I'm writing and hopefully it will tell you everything.
It's just hard to know what to put down. I mean I have the words but cannot seem to make them into a sentence. I always was better at showing my feelings with actions. Letters just seem so... distant.
I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
See I finally get it Bella. You've been unconsciously screaming at me for weeks but I was too focused on my own feelings that I wasn't really listening to you. But I hear you now.
It just hurts.
You don't want me, do you? And if I think back properly, I don't think you ever did. I never really had a chance.
I hate to admit it but I really do wish he had never come back. If that phone had never rung. I was so close. All I needed was a few more seconds and...
That would have been the start of us, the beginning of something great, but fate played its hand and I have to just play with what I've been dealt.
And if he makes you happy, then I'm okay with that.
I don't want your pity either; because I know that, this... everything that happened to us is my fault. I slipped up Bella, and I'm sorry.
I told you that I could handle being your friend, and for a while, that was enough, but eventually I wanted more. I'm selfish when it comes to my feelings for you.
See you make me want things. Marriage, kids, and a house with a white picket fence... you make me a want a future.
But the problem is you're the one I want that with, and as I can't have you then I don't want any of it. And that's what makes me weak.
Because no matter how much I tried to fight it, or get you to change your mind the truth is you don't want me.
And that breaks my heart.
I just need you to know that I really would have done anything for you, even giving my own life just so the people around you may get a chance to see your smile for just one more day.
It's a beautiful smile Bella, when you let yourself go and just feel.
But I guess in the end nothing that I offered was good enough for you. He's perfect and I can't compete with that. What he has is the things that fairy-tales are based on but me... I'm just the natural path. But nothing about your life is natural.
Believe me when I say I tried so hard to be what you wanted. I really did. Now I'm just tired.
It's exhausting fighting for something that is always going to be out of reach.
I do have one question, and I know I won't hear the answer but still...
Did you ever feel it?
See there's a feeling that someone can get. It runs so deep in your veins, it punctures your soul and screams constantly at you that there is someone else out there who knows the real you. They know your strengths and your weaknesses but still see with a perfect clarity the amazing person inside.
I suppose you would say that for you, it's him. But I swear Bella sometimes I would see the look in your eyes directed at me. I know because it's the same look I see reflected back at me when I look in the mirror and think of you.
Was it for me Bella?
I used to hope so, but if I'm honest with myself, I can't help but hope it wasn't. See the thought that the fire burning deep within your stomach and within the hidden chambers of your heart might have occasionally scorched my name onto your lips, and you threw that away into the trash, well... that crushes me.
I try to believe you would never be so cruel. It's just...
You kissed me Bella. You knew that if you asked me to kiss you I would. You used the one weakness I have against me. All because you couldn't let me go. But did you ever ask yourself why that was? You say you love me but not as much as him. Why couldn't you just choose me?
Kissing me was cruel Bella. But you know the thing that sickens me most of all.
I would do it again.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you with my words, I would never hurt you. It's just... I feel so empty inside.
I've fought, bled, and cried for you so hard that my body is broken, my veins are dry and eyes are raw. There's nothing left. I think that fixing you took everything I have. Don't misread this though because I swear I don't regret any of it. Not for one moment.
I love you Bella, so much. Not until your heart stops beating but until mine does. Probably even then. You're it for me. You're the one. Even if you don't want to be.
I hope reading this will help you understand what is next.
I'm going to leave. See you don't want me, and you don't need me. Not when you have him, so this is how I'm going to make it easy on you. I won't keep splitting you in half. You shouldn't have to feel the need to visit me because you feel sorry for me.
I'm not leaving forever though, because as much as I want to run from all this, from you... Lapush is my home. And I'm going to need my family to help me with this.
But for now, I can't stay. I can't watch you die, and that's what will happen. Don't worry though because you'll forgive me for running and you know why? Because deep down you know that making me see you turn into something I despise will kill me, and I know you don't want that.
Because you love me, just not enough, am I right? Did I finally hear what you've been screaming at me for weeks now correctly?
You're love for me isn't enough, but I think what you really mean is... I'm not enough.
I think though Bella, if you had given me a chance, we could've been happy. It would have been easy for us, because that's all our relationship has ever been. Simple and comforting. But I guess it's true when they say that all good things come to an end.
And that's what this is. It's the end, because even though I'm coming back we can't be friends anymore.
It breaks me to say it, but, I'm never going to see you again.
Just know that I really do love you, with everything I have and I know that not a day will pass when I won't wish that, that was enough.
Every touch, every smile you gave me, all of those memories will stay with me until I die. You're seared into my brain Bella, and I'm sorry that this is way I'm choosing to say goodbye, but seeing you will be too hard.
It's cowardly, but I know that if you asked me to stay I would, no matter how much it broke me. So I'm taking the easy way out. Don't try and come after me, because I'm already gone if you've gotten this far. And don't deny you wouldn't because I know you'll feel obligated to, but really, I'll be okay.
Could you just do one thing for me? I know I shouldn't ask but...
Could you remember me?
Don't forget me. Don't forget that before you gave up your life there was a man out there who loved you so much he finally let you leave him, no matter how much it hurt him. I've never asked you for much but I just need you to do this, because I'm scared.
I'm terrified that a few years from now you won't remember who am I, and I know that in years to come I'm going to die with your name on my lips.
Because I can't and will never let you go, and even though you don't love me in the same way, the thought that you'll forget me is tearing my heart out.
Please Bella, let me own just one memory in your never-ending life.
I'm begging you.
There's only one more thing for me to say now... Goodbye Bells.
I'm going to miss you so much. You were my best friend as well as being my soul.
Yours, until the end of time.
P.S. Tell Charlie I'll be back, so he doesn't send out a search party for me.
A.N: Thank you for reading.