And now it is time for the most grand and proper finale to this fic...an unnecessary, spoofy re-imagining! About 50% of this, and the general idea are thanks to the wonderful timydamonkey, my crackspiration.
Anyways, be well warned that this is as cracky as it gets, ever...ever. It's awesome :D
This is pretty standalone and doesn't really follow any timeline whatsoever, and this is just what happens when timydamonkey and I talk for more than five minutes...
Outtake #2: A Proper Tale of Gentlemanly Exploits
"My murdering friend!" Remus exclaimed upon seeing the canine form of Sirius Black resting his head on Harry's chest, after the dementor attacks on the Hogwarts Express. "How delightful to see you atop a child who you tried to kill, who happens to be the son of my friend and endangering the students by making dementors chase them! I'm overjoyed to see you! And Peter!" Remus exclaimed, taking notice of Ron's pet rat who was inexplicably present, "What a reunion for the books! The Marauders are together again! Oh do be quiet, Sirius, Harry can stand in for James."
The two man-animals transformed into humans to engage in gentlemanly discourse-completely shocking Harry, Hermione, and Ron. Both Peter and Remus decided that it would be most proper if Sirius were to begin the discussion and conceded the floor to him.
"You are sadly mistaken and ill-informed, Remus," Sirius declared, beginning his opening statements, "Peter framed me! Look," He motioned to Peter, "he's still alive-"
"It's a lie," Peter replied, not doing much to help his case, "Remus, why would I betray James and Lily-"
"Now, boys, I'm sure this can be sorted with a good cup of tea." Remus said, soothingly to his former friends, "We could call Voldemort in as a referee."
Sirius disagreed fervently, "This is the worst idea I've ever heard-"
"How delightful!" Peter exclaimed. "My old master-"
At this moment James' ghost materialized and pleasantly greeted the group: "Oh, all this furor over me! I'm honored. Hello, chaps, how are things going? "
"H-hello...Prongs...I-I've been better..."
"Jolly good, Prongs!"
"Most excellent to see you, my dead friend! I have have been faring much better than you have, I daresay!"
James chuckled merrily, nodded his agreement, and boisterously continued, "Good to know! Ah, Peter, these are slightly more fortunate circumstances than our last meeting! I do hope you've improved your circumstances"
"...Y...yes. When I lost a limb, I lost my loyalty."
"Very poetic, Wormtail!" Sirius said snidely to the man, "But a lie!"
"Sirius, please, we're having a civil conversation."
"Well, I'd much rather engage the rodent in a bout of fisticuffs!"
"I say boys!" Dumbledore exclaimed, suddenly arriving on the train, "How delightful to see you all together again, I'd be honored to offer you all tea and lemon drops in my office while I call the aurors to come arrest young Sirius and Peter!"
"Perhaps a spot of tea," Sirius conceded, "not too many sweets, now-we are planning a sporting exhibition, sir!"
"Oh, I say!"
"A most charming notion!"
"The winner shall receive my tin of lemon drops!" Dumbledore happily declared.
"I second this motion! It sounds positively delightful."
"Don't be such a spoilsport, Wormtail."
"This is to save your life, to clear your conscience!" James encouraged brightly, "To eat those curiously delicious Muggle delicacies!"
"For old times sake, we should retreat to the shrieking shack!" Remus fondly suggested.
"I've been whilst the boys were in class," Sirius said, agreeing to the notion, "the furniture is still all there! Perfect for gentlemanly spectators, such as ourselves!"
"Perhaps we can return to our long postponed game of gin rummy?" Peter suggested, "Or dare to start something new... dare I say poker?"
"Wonderful! Aren't we all just dogs paying poker?" Sirius sighed wistfully.
"...No, Sirius, we are not playing poker in our animagus forms."
"Alright. But you're just jealous of my card prowess."
"Mayhaps, lads, we could engage in the muggle pastime of wickerball!" James suggested.
Confused, Peter asked, "Is that the ones with the shoes?"
"You'll have to be more specific, Prongs."
"Moony, I recall you being excellent at the sport with those long sticks!"
"Billiards?" Remus asked in confusion.
"I speak of the one with the hoops you have to defend from below." James explained, "What a crazy notion!"
"I don't know, fellows, with a gravity defying spell-"
"...Muggles, Sirius. Muggles. For a smart man, you know nothing of Muggles."
"We shall do with this muggle sport what we've done with the wireless, lads!" Sirius declared gallantly, "We shall improve upon it with our powerful magic and ingenuity! Levitation spells all around!"
The men who had them drew their wands.
"Shall we transfigure Peter into the ball?" Sirius asked, realizing they were missing something.
"This is a spectacular idea! Wormtail, this will require honour... and integrity! Do not hold onto the hoop."
Dumbledore gently encouraged all of them: Sirius, Remus, Peter, Ron, Harry, and Hermione to grab onto his beard, which he'd made into a portkey. Within seconds they all landed on the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch for the sporting exhibition, moments later James arrived in a ghastly poof of gentlemanly sparkles. Inexplicably Sirius, Remus, and Peter were wearing suits.
"Look at that gentlemanly trio on the Quidditch pitch!" Harry delightedly exclaimed to his friends, "Lo, they are even wearing suits!"
James would have been wearing one as well, but as a ghost he was doomed to look as he had upon dying. Most tragic, for like most gentlemen, he was quite handsome when suitably suited up.
"...Why are you talking like that, Harry?" Hermione asked, sending him an odd look.
"...I don't know."
"I've been teaching the boy words through my barks, fellow Marauders!" Sirius explained to his former comrades who nodded sagely in approval. "It is quite fabulous really."
"Hark, Padfoot!" James said with a chuckle, "That must sound quite ridiculous."
"It must be done! These students have lost all sense of decorum," Sirius replied, "why even our good rival Snivellus had more manners"
"The lout!" James replied with affectionate nostalgia.
"I say," Peter exclaimed, offended, "I was associates with that fellow!"
"Wormtail, I do think that's enough from you!"
"Shall we have the good Madam Hooch referee?" James inquired, looking ready to go retrieve her.
"Indeed!" Dumbledore agreed, brightly, "A referee is most necessary for a proper bout."
"We must be sporting and proper, lads!" Sirius sagely declared to his fellow marauders, "For the ladies!"
All the men fell silent in gentlemanly thoughts of being…proper to ladies.
"Moony, I hear you are colleagues with good Snivellus now!" Wormtail said, turning to Remus.
"Indeed." Remus chuckled to himself, "It is quite the turn of events. Have you any advice, Wormtail?"
"Deflect his attention from you!" Wormtail replied "...If you need to make a getaway, insult his hair, then flee while he is blind with rage."
"What a splendiferous suggestion, Wormtail!" Remus replied, impressed.
"You appear to have gained some life skills, Wormtail!" Sirius agreed.
"Most becoming of you!" James said brightly.
"It was a necessity." Peter explained, "I have scavenged for a living for the past twelve years-"
"And I have spent it in one room!" Sirius interjected, his tone bright with having a story to tell, "The dementors wouldn't let me decorate it or provide alternative musical arrangements to screaming, it was most agitating. I must make a formal complaint."
They all turned to look at Remus for his update on the last 12 years, "I tried to avoid goring too many people."
"That's the spirit, Moony!" Sirius congratulated, patting the man on the back.
"I have been floating around in astral space," James told his friends, "in somewhat of a specter form"
"Good show, Prongs!" Sirius exclaimed, impressed.
"That does sound rather exciting, Prongs!"
"Alas, it is not so." James replied, woefully, "For nobody else sees me, except the hippogriffs."
"Great Scott!" Dumbledore exclaimed with an air of scholarship, "Perhaps you are now half-hippogriff."
"Half hypocrite more like. Please try and make some semblance of sense, sir."
"I am offended by your lack of trust, lads!"
"And what of young Harry?"
All the men expectantly turned to Harry for his update.
"Oh, um," Harry said, rather confused by this queer turn of events, "I've been mostly in a cupboard, I suppose."
"What sort of cupboard?" James asked, curiously, "A broom cupboard?"
"A spice cupboard?"
"You're all mistaken, chaps!" Sirius declared, " It was an ice cupboard, right, Harry?"
The men looked suitably impressed and Remus commented, "This has the potential to be most interesting!"
"It was just a regular cupboard." Harry replied, feeling bad for letting the men down, "Oak. Painted white. I leased the room out to spiders. They never paid their rent."
"What...rats? Dare I say, lads! Haha!"
"Oh, what a jester you are, Padfoot!"
"Everybody assumes I make all the stupid jokes!" Sirius said sadly, "Alas, I know nobody whose animagus form is a whale. All those whale of a time jokes, rotting from disuse-"
"As we would be if we were whale animagi!" James pointed out and all the men all began chortling with amusement.
"By jove! You're right!" Sirius agreed, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.
"Harry, do make an effort to be a punworthy animal." James encouraged his son, "We're counting on you."
"An octopus perhaps...if we're counting!" Sirius said slyly.
"As long as it's not bubotuber pus. That takes weeks to get out of carpet."
"I say, chaps!" Remus exclaimed, "It is becoming most late in hour and we have not reached a likely solution to our conundrum!"
"The solution is most simple, Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, "For Wormtail has readily admitted to his crimes-"
"It wasn't I, I say!" Peter squeaked in defense of himself.
"-James himself has admitted to the betrayal-"
"Most factual," James agreed, "Ole Wormtail certainly got the best of me, fellows!"
They paused to congratulate Peter on his successes.
"-Peter is most alive, when it is supposed that I murdered him-"
"Perhaps we should get a second opinion," Wormtail asked, "I'm sure I'm not really alive."
"Not for long anyways," Sirius growled.
"Now, now, young Sirius," Dumbledore interjected, "you are a most spirited young man, but we must remain proper and gentlemanly."
"I have been shown the errors of my improper ways," Sirius told the headmaster, suitably chastised.
"I believe," the headmaster said brightly, "that in spite of all evidence presented, it is safe to say that Peter is, in fact, the most dangerous of all you good chaps…while adjusting for full moons, of course."
"A statistical necessity, I'm afraid," Remus agreed.
"Therefore, we shall place Peter into Azkaban and allow Sirius to play the part of pet rodent to young Ronald."
"Most logical, indeed, headmaster!"
"I'm not a rat animagus…"
"No, please, don't! Gentlemen, I beg of you!" Peter exclaimed, "I propose a time share! We all share three months a year in Azkaban."
"An accurate split of time, Wormtail! However, there are several logical inconsistencies... Prongs is blatantly dead, and Padfoot has already spent too long in Azkaban, and Moony would be trying to wrestle the dementors every month..."
"Logic always gets in the way of fairness..."
"It is most clear to me," Sirius suggested, "that Peter should spend his three months back to back, for the next twelve years. Upon completion we shall reconvene! This would certainly give us more time to figure out how James and Remus could contribute!"
"Jolly good show! A most amicable notion."
"Shall we still engage in a bout of fisticuffs, then a rousing game of wickerbillards with Peter as the ball?" Sirius asked of his comrades.
"How shall we divide teams?
"I'll transfigure Peter, lads! A lemon drop before we begin?"
"What a wonderful idea! I'm glad we've come to such a gentlemanly agreement."
Many, many thanks to everyone who took the time to read this fic and the outtakes, and more thanks to everyone who reviewed! I hope Wolfsbane was as much fun to read as it was to write!