I came up with this humorous piece after reading something like this in the Phantom of the Opera category.
Of coarse I had help from iluvhorses1997 and AceTrace (co-writers). =) They came up with 15 to 20 of these or more. They were a big help.
This is the first one of these on the category. Be expecting more of these from either iluvhorses1997, AceTrace or me. We're mostly likely going to do a Sam and Wyatt one.
Have a good laugh. Sorry if some its outlandish but it is hilarious you have to admit.
I shall now go back to writing Mustang Eyes. And I'm still looking for a beta-reader for that story.
' 50 Things Not to Do Around or With Jake Ely'
They may result in him pushing you off the nearest cliff…
1. Never ask Jake who his kind is. This will tick him off royally.
2. Never ask Jake to give you bareback lessons…him being the one bareback.
3. Do not ever try locking up Jake and Jen together to get them to compromise. It will end horribly and result in the two killing each other.
4. If you are a guy, never ever under any circumstances flirt with Sam or you may receive the famous Ely Socket Punch.
5. Never ever and I repeat NEVER! No matter what, threaten to hurt Sam and leave her. Jake will get mad and point a gun at you.
6. I wouldn't advise calling him at 2:30 a.m. just to talk about the weather. It will end terribly. I know because I have.
7. The words Ryan, Flick, Linc, and Slocum are cuss words to Jake's ears and he will personally wash your mouth out with soap if you so much as say their names.
8. Never call Jake, Baby Bear. No matter how fun it is to rile him. He will throttle you!
9. Never say Kit is better at gentling horses than Jake. This makes Jake fire steaming mad.
10. Don't ever ask Jake if he has run out of his supply of words.
11. Never tell Jake when he is about to drive you somewhere that 'I have to wash my hair first'…especially if you are near a water trough. You will pay dearly.
12. Don't ever take Witch from Jake while he's not looking and turn his mare into a painted pony.
13. Don't try sneaking into the Ely's house and give Jake a makeover while he's sleeping…although his brother's will love it. Jake will most likely wake up during the makeover and strangle you.
14. Don't ride Zanzibar in front of Jake and ask if you look good riding him. I would hate to see the result, especially if you are Sam.
15. Don't ever hug Jake unless you plan to give him a heart attack.
16. Clinging to a cliff from a high altitude will result in giving Jake heart failure.
17. I wouldn't advise acting like Rachel or kissing Jake if you are not Sam. Especially after he just pulled you up from your near death experience of hanging off a cliff. As reaction of either two things I just mentioned Jake will most likely push you off that cliff.
18. Do not ever jokingly or otherwise say, 'I had a good make out session with Sam'…without specifying which Sam.
19. Don't steal Witch while Jake is gone to town and bring her back to your ranch to foo-foo her up. This result could be fatal.
20. Don't use the 'I'm going to stick to you like glue' saying with Jake and use it against him. Bad, bad, bad idea. Following Jake around like a puppy will result in sudden death-sometimes even if you are his beloved Brat 'Samantha Anne.'
21. Never sit Jake down to force him to make a facebook. This results in him tying you to the computer chair and running away.
22. Never ask to draw a Hitler mustache on Jake's secret picture of Sam though you shouldn't even know Jake had one.
23. Never ask to draw a Hitler mustache on Jake after he told you no on 22.
24. Don't decide to sneakily draw a Flick-like handlebar mustache on the picture of Sam. Jake has eyes in the back of his head.
25. Don't freak out and jump a mile when you are caught red-handed by Jake who has his back turned to you. Remember he seems to read people's minds at times.
26. Don't ever sheepishly grin and then ask if you can draw the same mustache on him.
27. In fact don't ever draw any kind of mustache on Jake or Sam's picture unless you don't value your life.
28. If you are still alive, don't glare at your mustache sketched on Sam's photo or you really are dead.
29. Don't say Sam is hot. Even if you don't mean that Sam.
30. Don't purposely go outside in the ice and snow just to see how cold you can get and expect Jake to come save you. Jake might pick you up and shut you in the freezer if its large enough.
31. Never break Jake's leg just so you can nurse him back to health.
32. Don't break a movie night off to go to work with Violet Lee.
33. Don't tell Jake that Sam took off to Hollywood to star in a horror movie.
34. Never relate Jacob Black to Jake Ely….because Jake Ely will blow his top.
35. Don't play with Jake's ponytail. He will turn around and yank your hair.
36. Don't sneak in the bathroom while Jake is taking a shower and video it to share on facebook. He will skin you alive or make you take a bath in the water trough, fully clothed.
37. Never ask what color underwear Jake is wearing. He won't remember and probably will shut you in the closet, lock the door, and throw away the key for asking such a question.
38. Don't try getting yourself kicked out of your house just so you can live with Jake and sleep in his room. Etc…. He will not take pity and just leave you outside because he knew you did it on purpose.
39. Don't rub in the fact that his best friend Darrel flirts with Sam and calls her Darlin'.
40. I wouldn't yell, 'Kit is kissing Sammy.' Jake's already sore about Kit treating Sam nicely. Any more and you'd kill the poor guy.
41. Don't tell Jake that Sam sneaks out at night to see her boy at the La Charla.
42. Never mention what happened about Flick hog-tying Sam.
43. Never act terrified of horses just so you can hide in Jake's arms. He'll throw you at the horse if he knows you're faking.
44. Never say Justin Bieber if you wish to live.
45. Don't ask Jake to ride English. He would die of embarrassment if he ever did.
46. Don't run track with Jake and try to prove you can run faster and longer…we both know you can't.
47. I wouldn't ask for Witch's secret name. The result is frightening.
48. Never ask Jake to speak Shoshone for you. He's touchy about his heritage.
49. Don't ask why he's touchy about his heritage. He will certainly yell at you that he's not.
50. And last of all-if you're still breathing that is… Never ask Jake Ely if you can be his girlfriend.