A/N: Done in for a contest in response to the prompt "first kiss" and "valentine's day". Originally, I had started a KakaSaku story, but it was deemed too "adult" and I had to scrap it and go with plan B.
So enjoy your gay Englishmen.
Oh, and Happy Valentine's day. Or something.
Remus was reading by the fireplace in the common room one night when something large and warm crashed painfully into his left side. Roaring laughter accompanied it.
"Hello Sirius," he grunted, "I've been wondering where you were."
"Oh, I betchu have," the offender slurred, leaning against Remus. Wincing in pain, the brunette stretched out an arm to keep the two of them propped up.
"Are you drunk?" he asked incredulously, attempting to push Sirius off of him. As he was a well-built Quidditch player and Remus's muscles were about on par with a fourteen-year old girls, this didn't work out too well.
"Perhapssss," Sirius said in a light voice, and then laughed.
Remus chuckled. "Where did you even go? And why didn't you bring me any?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, my sweet," Sirius hummed, nuzzling his face against Remus' neck. Surprised by the sudden warmth, Remus turned his head and his arm gave way as they went crashing into the couch, Remus' face pressed into the leather and Sirius on top of him, laughing wildly.
"Oh god Padfoot, I can't breathe," Remus gasped. Sirius, however, didn't seem to mind. He lay sprawled on Remus exactly where he had fallen.
"You," he said, "are comfy. I could fall asleep."
"Don't. You. Dare." Remus exclaimed, attempting to wiggle his arms out from underneath Sirius' chest. All that succeeded in doing was bunching up Sirius' shirt. Remus' hand brushed against something hairy. "What is that?" he sputtered in absolute horror.
" 's probably my dick," replied Sirius.
"On your stomach?" Remus clenched his fist to avoid further trauma, although he continued to struggle. "You should probably get that looked into, mate."
Sirius laughed. "You're funny," he hummed.
"Just how toasted are you?" asked Remus. "Get off!"
Sirius ignored him. "Your hair makes you look like a girl," Sirius chortled. "Ha-girl."
"Funny," spat Remus, "yours is longer than mine."
At that, Sirius began laughing uncontrollably and buried his face deep in Remus' neck. The spurts of air from his nostrils sent unpleasant chills running up Remus' spine. "Have you been smoking something as well?" he asked.
" 's definitely longer, mate," Sirius said slowly, "and harder."
Remus pressed his face into the couch with a groan. "You need to stop talking."
" 's Valentines day. Feel the love."
"What?" Remus laughed. With Sirius crushing him, it came out more like a painful wheeze. "No it isn't."
"B.S. itsn't," Sirius breathed.
"It's two days from now. Maybe you should try opening a calendar sometime," Remus said. He resumed his task of wiggling out from underneath his intoxicated friend. He looped his fingers around the edge of the sofa and pulled their bodies toward the floor centimeter by centimeter, panting. "Will you-" he started.
Remus wished that someone, anyone, would come waltzing into the common room and put him out of his misery. He could stand the teasing for being found underneath Sirius if it meant escape.
"Torturing you is tooooo much fun," Sirius purred, blowing on Remus' ear.
"Thanks," he growled, "really nice of you."
Sirius fell silent, as Remus continued to propel their bodies in the direction of salvation. His breathing turned ragged and sharp, and Remus wondered if he was laughing about something ridiculous again.
His arms were now dangling off the edge of the couch, struggling to reach the floor. Remus paused, alarmed at the sudden quiet. "Er…Padfoot? You still alive?" he asked.
Much to his horror, Remus realized that Sirius had actually started softly sobbing. He solemnly wished he would start groping him again. The only thing worse than a drunken horny Sirius was a drunken depressed one. "She dumped me, mate," Sirius said after a painfully awkward silence.
"Ah, that would explain the alcohol, then," Remus replied softly, forcing himself not to laugh.
"I think I was in love," Sirius sniffed, "I was in love with her."
So there really was a hell on earth.
Unsure of what else to do, Remus reached behind him and attempted to pat Sirius on the back reassuringly. Since they were both hanging off the edge of the couch and Remus had to bend his elbow back awkwardly, he ended up just brushing Sirius' shoulder. However, it seemed to have the desired effect. Sirius sighed complacently and pushed his face into Remus' neck. The shift of weight sent them crashing into the floor.
Remus' chin struck the carpet painfully, sending jolts of pain shooting through his jaw. Sirius laughed again.
"Glad to know this amuses you," Remus spat, tears welling up in his eyes. Damn, that hurt…
"Ah, Moony, I love you," Sirius laughed.
Remus felt his face flushing red. Sirius probably meant it in the way of brotherhood, but the combination of his drunkenness and the fact that Sirius' head was dangerously close to his face made Remus extremely uncomfortable. At least Sirius had rolled off him when they landed. Remus turned his head away so Sirius wouldn't notice his blush.
"Mooooony," cooed Sirius. A pair of hands appeared out of nowhere and wrapped around Remus' middle. The latter was too horrified to push them away. "You're so nice. I hate girls. Screw them. No, don't." He started laughing again.
"That's nice," Remus replied stupidly.
Sirius' hands roamed dangerously. "Sometimes I wish you were a girl." He whispered his lips way to close for comfort to Remus' ear.
And that was Remus' cue to go to bed. He sat up suddenly. "I'm going to get some rest. See you in the morning."
"Don't be like that!" Sirius slurred.
Remus stood up. His legs wobbled underneath him. He wasn't entirely sure if it was from being trapped under Sirius' body for so long, or a reaction to what he had just said. Best not to think about it.
"You're just going to leave me down here to die?" Sirius asked incredulously.
Remus toyed with the idea. It was certainly tempting. He sighed. "C'mon, then," He bent over and helped Sirius to his feet. "You can lean on me, but I can't carry you. You're going to have to walk." Remus told him.
"Mmmkay," Sirius replied, stumbling forward. They progressed toward the stairs, Remus struggling to remain upright while Sirius stomped forward with all the grace of an elephant. If they didn't wake up the whole house, it would be a miracle.
Finally, they reached their bedroom. Remus deposited Sirius on the nearest empty bed. The nearest bed was actually Remus', but the sooner Sirius was stationary, the better. Remus doubled forward, fighting to catch his breath for a few seconds. Sirius looked up at him placidly. He glared back.
Sirius raised his arms. "Undress me," he commanded.
"No," replied Remus point-blank.
Sirius stuck out his tongue. "Will you at least undo my tie?" He asked slowly.
Remus conceded, leaning forward. No sooner had he bent over than Sirius rose sharply, crashing his lips against Remus'. The latter pulled back in horror. Sirius smirked.
Without acknowledging him, Remus turned and went to the other bed, hiding his face in the pillow, the scent of Sirius and his shampoo met his nose. He groaned softly. A distant noise filled Remus' ears. When he cautiously lowered his hands (he hadn't even realized he'd covered his ears) he heard Sirius's rumbling laughter filling the room.
"Padfoot, shhh!" Remus hissed. He glanced at the other two beds where James and Peter slept soundly.
"I can't believe I just fucking did that," Sirius said, continuing to laugh.
"We can talk about it in the morning," Remus whispered. He had no intention of ever speaking about it, but Sirius needn't know that.
"That was so stupid."
"Yeah," Remus conceded, "just-just be quiet!"
A rustling noise echoed through the room followed by James' irate voice, "Goddamn it. If you two don't shut up and stop flirting I'm going to come over there and murder you both."