The Lost Biography Interviews Part 3
Firstly, I'd like to send out my apologies for getting this issue out so late. Unfortunately, Avatar Aang discovered our location and we were forced to relocate to a new, secure facility before he shut us down… Also, the contents of Toph's interview led to many fainting spells around our office, making work rather difficult.
~Sage, Editor of The Official FAangirl Newsletter
Onji: Good day to all my other FAangirls out there. Unfortunately, we do have some bad news…
Meng: We couldn't get our hands on Toph Bei Fong's interview on Aang?
Onji: No, no, nothing like that. I have it right here in front of me, and boy, is it a dozy! No, I was just going to say that Foamy Mouth Guy is still recovering from almost drowning in his own foam last issue and he, unfortunately, cannot join us this time. He did, however, want me to say that he misses all of us and he'll be back as soon as he gets better.
Meng: When did he say that?
Meng: Because the only thing I ever heard him saying was that 'all the good ones are either straight or taken.'
Onji: Or both.
Meng: He's not taking Avatar Aang's sexuality too well, is he?
Onji: Well… I wasn't trying to say that but… no, he's not.
Meng: I almost feel sorry for him… almost.
Onji: That's kinda mean.
Meng: Avatar Aang is straight.
Onji: Well… I guess when you put it that way. Man, what I wouldn't give for one night!
Meng: You and me both!
Onji: I suppose this is the point when Foamy Mouth Guy would say that it's time to move onto the article. I'm sure that every FAangirl would want to see this…
Meng: Toph Bei Fong… what would we do without her?
Onji: Know a lot less about Avatar Aang.
The Lost Biography Interviews: Toph Bei Fong
Interviewer: Toph Bei Fong, I'd like to thank you for speaking to us today. I know that you live a very busy life as the most powerful Earthbender in the world, and we all really appreciate you taking the time to speak to us about Avatar Aang's life.
Toph: No problem.
Interviewer: Now, you came into Avatar Aang's life when he was searching all across the Earth Kingdom for an Earthbending teacher. What made you decide to join his group?
Toph: Honestly, I didn't give a damn about notions like saving the world, stopping the Firelord, or crap like that. I just wanted to get away from my controlling and strict parents.
Interviewer: Are you not the daughter of Lao and Poppy Bei Fong, the richest family in the Earth Kingdom with the exception of the Earth King himself?
Toph: Yep. But I don't want to talk about my parents. They always treated me like I was a weak little helpless blind girl, and it was driving me insane.
Interviewer: For what it's worth, there are very few people who will think you are weak and underestimate you now.
Toph: I know. It's awesome. If it's all right, I'd rather talk about Twinkletoes.
Interviewer: What is the significance of your nickname for Avatar Aang?
Toph: I called him that because he could use Airbending to float over the ground to the point where I couldn't even see him. Even when he's just walking around, I can barely sense where he is. That's why I called him Twinkletoes. I didn't nickname him because he's anything special. I gave nicknames to all my friends. Sokka is Snoozles, Katara is Sugar Queen, Zuko is Princess, and Suki is Fangirl.
Interviewer: What was the Avatar like as an Earthbending student?
Toph: He stunk… especially at first. It took a long time to beat the Airbender out of him so that he could face his problems head on instead of running away all the time like a wimp. He's better now, but he still can't beat me unless he uses the Avatar State… and that's cheating in my opinion.
Interviewer: What's it like being the closest friend to the Avatar that is not a member of his family?
Toph: It's no different. It doesn't matter that I have no direct relationship to him like Katara and Sokka do. We are all family. Aang's little brat calls me Aunt Toph, so that's enough to include me in the family.
Interviewer: Tenzin isn't a little brat! We've heard that he is a quiet and well-behaved child.
Toph: All children are brats, period.
Interviewer: So… what else can you tell us about Aang?
(Onji: The Interviewer is obviously fishing for the good stuff. She knows that Toph is known to dish the dirt on Avatar Aang.) (Meng: Which is all the better for us.)
Toph: Have you talked to Aang or Zuko about their little kiss?
Interviewer: Yes, I spoke to Zuko about it. But he said it was during a game of Spin the Bottle and that it didn't mean anything.
Toph: Bullshit. There was tongue!
Interviewer: Tongue? Really?
Toph: Well… I may have told them that I'd bury their heads in solid rock if they didn't give us a good show, but they really did use tongue.
(Meng: I'm thinking that Chan wishes he was here after all.)
Toph: So, what else can I tell you about Aang? He lost his virginity at fifteen years old.
Interviewer: Really? That young?
Toph: You don't know Twinkletoes and Sugar Queen like I do. It's a miracle that they waited that long! Those two were so into each other that there were loads of times that I expected to wake up and see them fucking each other on our journey together.
Interviewer: So… if you're shocked that they waited so long, how are you sure that it was fifteen? Couldn't they have, um… 'done it' without you knowing about it?
Toph: Well… it's possible, but it's not true. You see, I was in the next room over and I heard the whole thing. They were definitely virgins before that moment.
Interviewer: They didn't know that you were listening in?
Toph: Aang could have known. I taught him how to see with Earthbending like me. If he had just paid attention, he could have seen me listening in. But, let me tell you something… once Katara grabs his dick, he's pretty much blind to the world.
Interviewer: … Interesting.
Toph: Ever since that moment, they've become sex fiends. Almost every night. They only time they ever took a break was when Katara was pregnant with and just gave birth to Tenzin. When she was pregnant with him, they only fucked rarely. After he was born, there was a several-month long period that they didn't fuck at all. Aang took to masturbation after that, but Katara would 'help him' every once in a while, if you know what I mean.
Interviewer: I… think I can figure it out. So… it shouldn't be long before another child is born?
Toph: Twinkletoes and Sugar Queen want to wait a little bit before they have another child.
Interviewer: So… they've slowed down on the sex?
Toph: No. Did I say that?
Interviewer: No. But if they continued to have sex 'every day' like you say, then there should definitely be more children on the way.
Toph: No, they still have sex every day. But there are more orifices for Aang to use rather than a vagina, and they won't end in pregnancy. … Are you okay? You seem like you're gonna faint.
Interviewer: Yeah… just a little bit of heat stroke. I'll be fine…
Sage: Wow… I'm the only one left. Err… normally, I prefer to be behind the scenes, but I guess I have no choice this time. Please stay tuned for the next edition of The Official FAangirl Newsletter!