Don't take this seriously. You'll only be disappointed.
Ace is a little OOC because I tried to fit him into the stereotype of that buddy whose leading his friend along just to be a jerk. Still, enjoy.
Why won't she love me? the thought roared through Peter's mind. The more it repeated itself, the angrier and more furious he became until even his long white ears were quivering.
He put a note on her door begging for her love.
Love me, Alice!
She threw it in the fireplace. His heart fell as he watched the paper give way to hot ashes, the corners turning up and burning.
"I've told you for the hundred-thousandth time, Peter, I don't love you." Her voice was so serious, so calm as she said the words that pierced his heart.
But no! It couldn't be true. She had to love him.
She simply had to. There was no question in his mind. He was merely one love confession away from making her see his love for him. Just one! If only he could find some way to her heart…
His mind was wild with racing plans as he went down the long hall of Heart castle, his ears twitching as he concentrated, his eyes narrowed.
Then he heard it. Laughter. Familiar laughter from a certain knight.
"Don't you have things to do? !" Peter said to him, his voice tight.
"Well, yeah, but I couldn't help but watch you get burned by Alice in more ways than one!"
"She threw it in the fire because she couldn't contain her lust for me!"
"Pfft. Okay. Haha." Ace laughed, causing Peter to clench his fists. "You're going about it all wrong, Mr. Rabbit," Ace said.
"I don't care."
"Oh. Okay. Then I guess you're going to get denied by Alice for the rest of your life. Bye!" The smiling knight turned and waved. "Have fun being a virgin! Haha!"
Peter paled. "How did you know that! ?"
"It's obvious, Mr. Peter. You're one poor frustrated bunny rabbit."
"I-I'm-Oh, shut up," he snapped, adjusting his glasses. "I have better things to do than deal with germs of your caliber. I have my beautiful Alice!"
"Alice spent the night with me."
Ace's smile was plastered on his face, a mocking gesture towards the irritated rabbit. Peter's ear twitched, but otherwise he was deathly still. One word escaped his lips. "What?"
"Yep! But we didn't do anything. Although we totally almost did." He grinned. "Hey, why are you turning red, Mr. Bunny Rabbit? And you're shaking? Are you sick? Haha! You're not dying, are you?"
"Alice would never sleep with or beside or anywhere near an ingrate like you! There has got to be an explanation for this! She just-she wouldn't-She's a beautiful, pure flower. A pure, untouched trove of treasures not to be sullied by your filthy hands." Peter broke down at the very thought of another man even touching his beautiful flower.
"I touched her chest and listened to her heartbeat! It was great. You know, Alice is a pretty easy girl if you say the right things. You're just going about it all wrong. I bet you could have her, too, if you followed my fine example." His words were punctuated by mocking laughter that burned the rabbit.
"Another. Word." Peter drew his gun. It's tip wavered in the air, pointed squarely at Ace's chest.
Ace held up his hands, smirking. "Hey, we can fight if you want, but that'd be kind of bothersome, wouldn't it? Just like all our other fights over Alice. Especially since I know so much."
Wordlessly and with narrowed eyes, Peter pulled the trigger. The bullet flew through the air, but Ace was already out of the way, rolling to the side, laughter following his descent. A new hole was in the plaster of the wall where the bullet was lodged. The Queen would not be happy.
"See?" Ace said. "Fighting won't do anything. But I'll do something for you, Mr. Peter. I'll not touch Alice again…if you follow my tips on how to woo her properly." He waved his finger in Peter's face, making the rabbit's red eyes go cross-eyed looking at it.
"Explain," Peter said curtly.
"Alice is from a different world, right? Then maybe you should woo her like guys back at her old home used to."
"The problem might not be you! It might be how you're going about it! Come on, you can trust me. I'm fifty-percent trustworthy!"
Peter didn't even bother asking where the other fifty-percent went.
Magazines bundled in his arms, Ace dropped them on the floor before the rabbit.
"Okay. Here's what I managed to find."
Peter picked one up from the pile with two fingers, holding it before him as if it was the carrier of some diabolical illness. His eyes in slits, he read the gaudy cover.
How to be fabulous without eyes! A headline screamed in bold font. You're not worthless because of you! You were just born that way: Dealing with being faceless.
"What purpose is this trash supposed to serve?" Peter's words came through clenched teeth.
"Gives you insight into the female mind?"
"Haha. Just kidding. No one cares what they think. That one accidentally got in there." He took it from Peter's hand and tossed it aside. "Usually I read magazines with more pictures! Hey! Here's something to help you in your pursuit of booty!" He held up a magazine with a woman in a bikini on the front.
"Alice. Not booty. Alice."
"Yeah, yeah. But the goal is Alice's booty, right?"
A red blush crawled onto Peter's cheeks and he choked.
"Haha!" Ace laughed and pointed. "I bet you're envisioning it right now!"
"Shut up, germ!"
"Alice said these faceless magazines are sort of like the ones back home. They're the best we got. So here's what it says you have to do…" Ace began.
Alice was sitting beside Julius who was doing his usual work when the silence was broken by an indescribable sound.
Music played as wailing commenced. Wailing that sounded suspiciously like…
She ran and threw the window open, only to be faced with the most terrible sight she had yet seen in Wonderland. The afterimages were nothing compared to this.
There was Peter with a boom box on his shoulder. Where he got such a thing was a mystery. Did they even have boom boxes in Wonderland?
The music wasn't so bad. It had a trippy beat she recognized from back home…a beat that sounded suspiciously like hip-hop.
The worst part, the part that made it undeniably more horrible than any music Gowland had yet produced, was Peter rapping along to the lyrics.
She only caught a few of the lines.
MY HO, MY SEXY BABY, I LOVE YOU!
YOUR BOOTY SO FINE!
I WANT TO MAKE YOU MINE!
"What is that?" Julius stood beside her, looking out with wide, terrified eyes.
"No, I mean, what is it? Are we seeing the same thing?"
"I don't know. I just don't know anymore, Julius."
BE MINE FOREVER, BABY!
The Faceless stared. They stopped in the street and stared.
When the song finally finished…dead silence.
Peter cried out. "I LOVE YOU, ALICE!"
Gritting her teeth, she banged her hands against the windowsill. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! ?"
"MY LOVE FOR YOU EXPRESSED IN MUSIC! WILL YOU LOVE ME NOW?"
For once in his life, Julius cracked a smile.
Alice gave Julius a blank look. "This isn't funny."
Determined to pummel the embarrassing rabbit into a pulp and convinced he had finally cracked, she made her way down the many stairs of the Tower to where Peter stood waiting outside.
She found she had no idea what to say when she saw him. The silence turned awkward as they stared each other down, his eyes ever-adoring.
Until she snapped. "What are you doing? ! You disrupted Julius's work for this! I don't even know what this is! It's something, but I can't even give it a name it's so weird!"
"I love you, Alice! I am expressing my love in a way you can understand! Apparently my ways are too foreign to you."
Did he honestly think his stalking was normal in any place? She shook her head violently. "No, Peter. Just no. Do you even have an internal voice that tells you when things are just downright stupid?"
Peter was dumbstruck. "But…Ace said this was the way to do it…"
Peter's mind reeled. What was he to do now? The Boom box love technique was not working.
He had one more technique in his arsenal.
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" he began. "Even though you literally did fall…and it wasn't from heaven…not even a place like a heaven. A horrible germy place. You're still an angel even though you're not from heaven. You're an angel among germs! MY ANGEL!"
Alice had no response. She stood there with her mouth gaping open.
"Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice! Except…you are Alice…so it could be like dating yourself if I was Alice because you, of course, wouldn't stop being Alice. It would also be a lesbian relationship…" His eyebrows furrowed into a deep v-shape."Why did Ace tell me to use this one?"
She was going for it! "Yes, my love! ?" He put his hands together, watching her with love-struck eyes.
"Shut up forever."
Hurt and defeated, Peter shoulders slumped. He adjusted his glasses, his eyes filled with tears. Why didn't this work? He changed his approach and everything!
Was it him?
No. It couldn't be. They were destined.
He would have to try another day.
Turning stiffly, he was about to leave when something gently pulled at his sleeve.
"Ace put you up to this?" she said.
When she put it that way…yes. Yes, Ace had put him up to it.
That bastard put him up to this!
Alice sighed. "You're really trying…all for me."
"Of course. I love you. Why wouldn't I try for you?"
"I've never met a more frustrating but-but-" Her words were caught.
"But idiotic man in my life!"
She grabbed and pulled his head in close, placing a quick kiss onto his lips.
"Anybody who makes themselves look like such an idiot on a daily basis should get rewarded every once in while," she said. "But don't think it means anything."
They worked! These techniques worked. Even if it only worked because she pitied him…still, that was better than nothing!
He was one step closer to Alice.
Here are the keywords that inspired this insanity: Peter, boom boxes, pick-up lines, Ace being an asshole. It's fun and light. If you take it seriously shame on you. I certainly didn't. PETER WITH A BOOMBOX. I could have only written that one line and this fic would be finished.
BTW, those are legit pick-up lines I found on the internet. I love pick-up lines. I'd marry a dude if he used them on me. Why? Because my twisted sense of humor is broken.