Title: The International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction
Character(s)/Pairings: The World. Take that as you will.
Genre: Humour, Parody, General
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 bordering on R for violence, swearing, and innuendo.
Summary: Not all of the new Hetalia fanfics coming in from the fanfiction influx are good ones. The Nations have no choice – to deal with the badfic, they enlist the side characters and create the newest Official Fanfiction University on the block. Get ready for pain, fanbrats.
Notes: If you want to enrol in IAHF, please fill out the form enclosed in the chapter. Be as creative as you want; I'll interpret it as creatively as I want. Also, I don't own the concept of the OFU; that belongs to dear Miss Cam, who started it all with OFUM. The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, but I think it also belongs to the Boarders who carry on the noble tradition. Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya. The opinions asserted in this fanfic are by no means true for all fans; I'm just using stereotypical examples of Hetalia fans.
"There's nothing else we can do about it," the tall blond man remarked as he stood at the head of the meeting table. "The influx of fanfiction in this fandom, encouraged by the new English dub, has caused some troubles within our Canon. This you know."
"Yes, Hugh, or Allen, or whoever the fuck you are," another blond man with thick eyebrows and a British accent snapped irritably. "I don't think we have any choice now."
"I disagree with l'Angleterre, by principle of our rivalry," the Frenchman sitting next to him huffed. Thick-Brows scowled and shoved him.
"You'll get us nowhere, frog!"
"Well, ahaha! What can we say? The Hero approves of this new university thingy!" the American sitting on the other side of the Briton exclaimed, flashing a thumbs-up at the man at the head of the table. "Anyone who disagrees with the Hero gets the American Nuke Treatment!"
"Save that for the fanwriters," the first man said hastily. "Any objections?" he asked the room at large.
"I agree with Alfred-san," the Japanese man sitting across from the Briton and the American said coolly, folding his arms and looking at his notes.
"Gods, Kiku, can't you ever come up with your own ideas?" the Swiss next to him demanded. The Japanese man looked mildly ticked off, but said nothing.
"I think we're all in agreement," the German next to the Swiss said politely. "Today marks the founding of the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction, or the IAHF for short. Technical details will be worked out by the end of this week's agenda. Am I correct?"
"Yes, Mr. Beilschmidt," the first man agreed. "We all know who the Headmaster is. All of you will make up the staff, and we will draw up a list of who teaches what in due course. And as for the side characters such as Workbitch and myself," here he gestured to a dark-haired man next to him who wore a suit and a haggard expression, "we will act as the official mediators between the fanwriters and the rest of the staff. Most fanfiction universities employ third parties from the ranks of the fans, but I believe that we side characters can handle the job well enough."
"We're relying on you for that, then," the Briton replied. "When do the fanstudents arrive?"
"As soon as everything gets squared away," the first man asserted. "So from this moment forth, I will be the new Course Coordinator for the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction. The fanwriters will refer to me as Mr. Allen."
"Or Mr. Hugh, depending on the day of the week," the man known as Workbitch interjected.
Mr. Allen smirked. "That's true; I do have a bit of an identity crisis." He paused, and then began to laugh evilly.
The Russian sitting in the back with the scarf picked up the laughter, and soon everyone else was cackling. Except the American, he was looking suitably creeped out.
"Welcome to IAHF, students," Mr. Allen whispered menacingly.
A week later, a short little Asian girl with glasses and a weight problem logged onto her computer at midnight and finished a story.
"Oh my god, I can't wait to post this!" she squealed as she typed. Hey, who wouldn't love reading about Susanna Sparklestar Kirkland-Jones, the lovechild daughter between England and America who falls for Australia? Let's just conveniently forget the fact that countries really couldn't have children, unless you counted their binary fission-like spawning of new nation-states (or the converse, where several smaller states coalesce into a bigger nation-state like the unifications of Germany and Italy) a form of National Reproduction. It's all a technical aspect, since as humans they could probably get away with popping out kids. But then let's not forget that the personifications of England and America are both males, and it's biologically impossible for men to have children. Pregnant Man was just an anomaly.
But back to the girl. "This is gonna be the best fic ever!" she exclaimed, clicking the save button and logging in onto Fanfiction. Guidelines… Accept guidelines. Biggest lie ever, but moving on. Upload Documents. New Story. Category: Hetalia Axis Powers. Characters: England and America. Rating: M. Language: English. Summary: Susanna Sparklestar Kirkland-Jones and Australia luv story! Read and review I suck at summeries!
Submit Story. As soon as she clicked on that, her computer froze.
"Dammit, why is the button not working?" the girl screeched, nearly waking her parents upstairs. She pounded the keyboard in frustration. "Work, damn you, work!"
"You know, that computer's not going to be any nicer to you if you hit it," a soft voice said from behind her. The girl spun around, seeing a blond man with a stray curl on his head. The man waved at her shyly, his violet eyes flashing behind his glasses.
"You're America!" exclaimed the girl.
"No, I'm Canada," the man said with a sigh, as he held up a polar bear. The girl squealed.
"Eee, is that Kumajiro? Can I hold him?" Canada shook his head, so the girl pouted. "Why not?"
"He doesn't like strangers, eh," Canada replied. "Well, anyways, I'm here to give you your letter."
"Letter?" echoed the girl. "What do you mean?"
"You've been accepted at the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction," the Canadian explained as he pulled out a letter. It was shaded the ugliest shade of red and blue – it was as if red and blue had been forced to mix but didn't quite form purple. "Oh, the colour? That's Bled, our school colour. Yeah, it's awful, isn't it? I think Arthur and Kiku created that over the summer. It's not my fault, eh!" He handed the Bled-coloured envelope to the girl, who opened it nervously.
The International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction
We are not quite pleased to announce that you have been chosen to attend the International Academy of Hetalia Fanfiction. This is a – yes, you guessed it – international organisation geared towards teaching you and your dim-witted peers how to write good fanfiction for the Hetalia fandom. Passing this university is mandatory if you wish to receive a license to write more Hetalia fanfiction.
IAHF offers a variety of courses, all taught by the characters of Hetalia. Do not irritate the staff, because they will be aided in their duties, academic or otherwise, by a troupe of Mochi Nations. If you do not heed this warning, don't say I didn't tell you. Please fill out the attached form and sign the waiver, and I hope I will not see your face at IAHF tomorrow.
Allen Clarke/Hugh Fraser,
The letter and the attached forms were all in Bled as well, causing the girl to cringe. Matthew shrugged, sitting down on the sofa next to her desk. Kumajiro crawled out of his arms and toddled off in search of the kitchen.
The girl grabbed her favourite aqua-blue gel pen and started filling out the form.
YOU, AS A STUDENT
Name: Jennifer Faye Chang, but I go by Lily
Species: Human! But I wanna be a Nation! It'd be so awesome!
Physical Description: Well, I'm short and I'm Asian and I have glasses.
Languages you speak: English, and a bit of French
What languages do you want to learn? Eeee, I wanna learn how to speak in a British accent and I wanna learn German, Italian, and Japanese!
Do you have any fears/phobias/allergies/worst nightmares that we should be aware of? I'm allergic to stupidity, teehee.
Have you been to an OFU before? What's that?
Have you heard of the PPC before? I heard they were totally mean! And someone threatened me with them before, too!
List ONE luxury item to take with you: My British flag!
YOU, IN RELATION TO THE CANON
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being 'dimwit who's only there for the hot guys kissing' and 10 being 'total applied history geek', how well acquainted are you with the Hetalia canon? Uh, what's canon? I think I'm a 5.
Do you watch the anime, read the manga, or both? Both, if they have England in them!
Have you played Gakuen Hetalia?Ew, no! Seychelles is such a bitch!
English dub: Yay or Nay? Ewww I don't like England's voice in that! It should've been someone way hotter!
If you watch the anime, do you watch it raw or subbed? Subbed, of course! I can't understand Japanese!
If you read the manga, do you read it raw or translated? Translated, see above!
YOU, IN RELATION TO YOUR WORK
Why do you write Hetalia fanfiction? Cuz I luv England so much!
Who is your favourite character and/or lust object? Why? ENGLAND, CUZ HE'S TOTALLY HAWT
Who is your least favourite character? Why? Seychelles is such a bitch! I hate her D:
Have you written het? What was the pairing, and why? Ewww, straight couples are grosss! :P
Have you written slash? What was the pairing, and why? OMG USUK ALL THE WAY THEY'RE PERFECT TOGETHER FOREVER!
Have you written a Mary Sue? What's a Mary Sue?
What types of fanfiction do you usually write? Romance, totally. =w=b
Which pairings do you usually write? USUK! ALL OTHER PAIRINGS CAN JUST GO SCREW THEMSELVES, LOL NOT REALLY BUT STILL~
Least favourite pairings? Why? Asakiku is like totally gross cuz Japan totally belongs with Greece I mean what?
Have you tried to write poetry? Yeah, it was like really cool and stuff. I wrote it when I was depressed, lol!
Turkey or Greece? Turkey, all the way! That beard… mmmmm~
America or England? ENGLAND! GOOOOO ENGLAND!
Who cooks the best? TOTALLY FRANCE, EVEN THOUGH HE'S ALL EWWWW.
France: pervert or misunderstood? Ew, he's a bed intruder!
Bad Friends Trio or FrUK family? BAD FRIENDS TRIO FOREVERRRRR
Denmark or Prussia? PRUSSIA! HELL YEAH!
North Italy or South Italy? North Italy! He's so cute~
PERMISSION FORM TO ATTEND IAHF
By signing below, I hereby waive my rights to sue IAHF for any damages inflicted upon me during my tenure on their campus. I will now resign myself for a very long and gruelling year of terror, hatred, and fear as I Learn Through Pain how to write good, or decent, or semi-decent, or meh-ish, or at the very least comprehensible Hetalia: Axis Powers fanfiction. If the staff members or the Mochis kill, traumatise, maim, or otherwise injure me in any way, I will not sue them because by signing here I acknowledge that any sort of harm inflicted upon my person is only for my own good and I deserve it because of my own stupidity and irrationality. IAHF takes no responsibility for injuries gained from class activities. I will not bring forth international laws or attempt to contact the United Nations or Amnesty International; being a foolish fanbrat, I probably have no idea what they are in the first place. I can complain to Mr. Allen/Hugh, but he will just laugh at me and send me back for more.
By signing this waiver, I put myself into the hands of the IAHF staff, even though I am probably not reading this because I am a foolish fanbrat and I am only agreeing to this just to see my lust objects or attempt to canon-ise my favourite ships. I will now waive all personal rights granted to me under my Nation's constitution and under the United Nation's Universal Declaration of Human Rights. The staff of IAHF are hereby given the right to do to me as they see fit, which includes but is not limited to mental and emotional abuse, torture, and death. This contract will be legally binding the moment I sign this, and I will not be allowed to leave IAHF until I pass my courses and obtain my license. I can attempt to drop out, but that will be a lengthy bureaucratic process involving mountains of red tape, and Mr. Allen/Hugh will not appreciate me inundating him with more paperwork so he will not agree to drop me unless I provide a particularly good case. This contract will not break even in the event of my death, because the Academy will most likely be able to resurrect me.
(Of course, all of this is probably going over your head, because it's just a big wall of text and we are not providing you with a tl;dr below. You're probably too busy anticipating being taught by your lust object, so you'll just automatically sign on the space provided, unaware of the fact that you just gave us your soul. Thank you for making this a very efficient and painless procedure.)
From, Mr. Allen Clarke/Hugh Fraser, Course Coordinator
Like a good brainless teenager, Jennifer's eyes quickly glazed over as she skimmed the contract, not paying attention to it at all as she tried to find the spot to sign. She quickly located the dotted line underneath the contract, scrawling her name onto it without a second thought. It glowed Bled for a few minutes, before fading back to its usual glittery aqua-blue.
"Is that all?" she asked, handing the papers back to Matthew with a yawn. Kumajiro had reappeared with a salmon head in his mouth; it was dripping salmon bits all over the sofa. Jennifer cringed, before yawning again.
"Just sleep, then. You might need it for tomorrow," Matthew advised with half a smile, before he disappeared.
Jennifer needed no further encouragement as she blinked at the spot where the Canadian had been a few moments ago. Yawning widely, she padded over to the sofa, laid down, and closed her eyes.
She wouldn't be getting that much sleep later on, after all.