AN: God help me, I was bored. Leave me with a computer, an unhealthy obsession with David Bowie & British Comedy and tons of spare time and this is the result. But hey, It's (hopefully) bound to be better than a story I read a while ago about two dogs in love which seemed like it had been written by an illiterate horse *shudder*.

Beware of sex references and language.

Rick was in bed. It was 2 in the morning, everyone was bound to be asleep, except Neil, who thought that sleeping gave you cancer- but who cared about that dirty hippy anyway?

He slowly made his way downstairs to the living room. Once he was siting quite comfortably on the sofa, he pulled out his copy of Labyrinth and a box of tissues out from under the piece of furniture. Oh yes, this was going to be quite a treat indeed.

Rick inserted the movie into the video cassette player. As soon as the opening credits were rolling and the shitty CGI owl was visible, he got to work.

Jennifer Connelly's pretty face filled up the screen. Rick pulled down his pants and got funkayy with himself. 10 minutes –and many tissues- later, he heard a thump.

Not just any thump though, the distinctive thump of a drunken, violent punk hitting the floor just behind him.

Oh god.. Rick thought. He pulled up his pants quickly, paused his video and jumped off the sofa.

"VYVYAN" He shouted "WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU SHOULD BE IN BED!"

Vyvyan groggily stood up with a bewildered expression on his face. He looked around him.

"I was just at the pub with a couple of friends…" Vyvyan said rather calmly.

"Fwriends? You have fwriends? Oh come on Vyvyan, just because you haven't heard the word before!" Rick taunted, smiling at his little joke. He was sure to tell Mike about this in the morning.

Vyvyan picked up a chair from the kitchen and looked as though he was about to slam it above Rick's head, but he caught sight of the used tissues and the video that was playing which had been paused on Hoggle's face.

"Blimey!" Vyvyan laughed. "I knew you were a little poof, but I didn't know you were into that type!" He indicated to the television screen.

Rick turned away from Vyvyan and glanced towards the television, which indeed, was paused upon Hoggle's face.

"Oh really, Vyvyan." Rick said calmly. "You can be so pathetic sometimes. I wasn't watching it for Hoggle, I was watching it for… Err, I mean… It's one of my favourite movies."

"With Hoggle to wank to, I can see why" Vyvyan smirked.

"SHUT UP VYVYAN, I HATE YOU!"

"I HATE YOU TOO, YOU BLOODY VIRGIN!"

"I'M NOT A VIRGIN!"

"SORRY, MY MISTAKE. A VIRGIN POOF!"

A puzzled Neil came down the stairs "Hey guys, I don't want to interrupt or anything. But I think things are getting pretty heavy down here…"

"OH PISS OFF, NEIL" Vyvyan and Rick shouted in unison.

"Umm… okay guys, if that's what you want…" Neil said before climbing back up the stairs and mumbling something about suicide.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND GO TO SLEEP, VYVYAN?"

"And leave you down here knowing what horrible things you'll be doing towards the face of a wrinkly goblin? That's disgusting!"

Rick, being on the verge of tears, felt that he had only one option left. "I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD TAKE YOU AWAY WIGHT NOW!" He waited, hoping that Vyvyan would magically disappear. But unfortunately, he stayed in the same spot. And to Rick's humiliation, laughed hysterically.

"'I wish the goblins would take you away wight now!'" He taunted, "Heh, you really do love that film!"

"I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU!" Rick shouted whilst tears ran down his cheeks.

Suddenly, everything was dark. Rick felt as if his insides where being churned and pulled in all sorts of unpleasant shapes.

He woke up on top of a grassy hill. He saw a certain unwanted individual lying right beside him.

"Vyvyan, are you awake?"

"No."

"Honestly, you can be so immature sometimes."

Vyvyan stood up and looked at his surroundings.

"Hey, Rick, I think you're going to be able to wank a bit more with Hoggle."

"Jesus Christ! I admit it, I was wanking… But not to Hoggle! It was to Jen- hang on. What do you mean?"

"Just look over there!" Vyvyan pointed towards a large maze, and in the middle, a castle.

"Fuck."