It was a cold night. I sat across the room, my eyes on an envelope held gingerly between my fingers. Drenched in cold sweat I took a knife and slit the envelope open with clammy hands. There it was, boldly written in curvaceous font was the name of the school; Shido Institute. My heart skipped a beat when my eyes read the word 'accepted' in the long content of the letter.
I let my back bumped against the chair as I closed my eyes and let out a strangled breath. That was close.
As I realized, I have come to a turning point in my life, where there are two roads that I can choose now.
One that could lead me to probable happiness if you feel the same way as I do (I really do hope so) and another that would engulf my soul in the darkness forever as I will distance myself from you. If I choose the latter, you would certainly be happy, but I on the other hand, would suffer the consequences. I shut my eyes tightly as I try to ignore the conscious of my mind that begged me to do the right thing.
It was hard, believe me Iku. It was very hard to forget everything about you, to put a distance between us. To imagine you in the hands of other man. To believe that that man would be your protector from that very point. To let you call me onii-chan when in an embrace of another man.
I could not stand it Iku! There were images; images of you that I imagined, and all of them were your laughing face, doing things that I hoped we are allowed to do, whispering forbidden things in the long night and to see your loving face screaming out my name, again and again in the midst of bliss.
Oh, I tried Iku. I tried very hard to contain it, but I held it for too long that my body could not endure it anymore. The torment, the agony. If only you knew, Iku.
If only you know that I never once thought you as my younger sister.
As I saw your sleeping face, it made me remind of the time we used to spend together, how you have overlooked them as innocent childhood memories, but I, on the other hand, thought they were the most treasured moments in my life. My whole life up to this point is dedicated to you.
What will I live for if there are no you?
As I came upon realization, your serene face was inches away from mine. These eyes that relentlessly shine brighter than the stars have guided me through my life, this nose that breathed to let you live had let me served my purpose on this earth and these pair of luscious lips are the ones who kept calling out my names sweetly, saying over and over again countless times;
"I like Yori the most in this world!"
It made my heart break that those were the words I have wanted all my life for you to say it, but they suffocated me as there were no love in your words. There have never been the tiniest hints that you ever loved me.
Give me your love as a woman, Iku. Look at me as a man, Iku!
At that moment, the feeling of wanting to protect you clashed with my need to devour you, I wanted to destroy everything that have been a hindrance to our love; I wanted to destroy everything that I built to keep you safe from me. I have done something unimaginable that night, Iku. That night, I committed a taboo.
I kissed you.