It's what it felt like on occasion; what I longed for so readily it seemed to haunt my very soul.
I've never longed for something as much as I've longed for a sense of home.
Being single is not easy, even if I give off the impression that it could be, that it is.
Alec allowed me the creature comforts of home. Gave me the opportunity to come home, to be held, to fall asleep next to someone and hear their soft breathing by my side. I forgot how much I missed that. How much every part of my being needed that. It's as if my skin craved it, longed for it.
But Alec left me empty, used; a second-handed victim to his addiction.
He found his sense of home in his cravings and wouldn't allow me an opportunity to save him.
And God knows I tried.
I tried real damn hard.
He pushed aside my attempts to cure him, even though he saw the sadness in me; how the emptiness left me loveless, husband-less. He left me with no choice but to walk away. His addiction slowly ate away at our marriage, but I wouldn't allow it to slowly eat away at me.
It left me without a home; what I thought could have been a home.
Sounds so incredibly plausible, so easy, doesn't it? That saying about how "Home is where you lay your hat" never made sense to me. I never believed in it. I never knew why.
Until I felt the touch of his hand to my shoulder, my lower back. Until he placed his fingers on my skin, sent electric shockwaves over my body. It was frightening, scary even, an out of body experience, to see the way I could gravitate toward him, allow him to take control.
Gillian Foster... allowing yet another man to take control.
But it was more than that. Cal is more than that.
There was comfort in that sense of powerlessness. Cal would pull back, push forward exactly as I needed him to. He never left me alone, never gave me the fleeting chance to tell him to stop. He let me work out what I needed to, at exactly the right time.
No. Home had nothing to do with some silly hat.
Cal eased the pain; helped me make sense of my troubled mind.
I tried to reason with the feelings inside, truly I did. I tried to psycho analyze every little ache, every little daydream, every little image that would come to my mind. Cal allowed me the opportunity to ease into these thoughts, to allow them to fill my mind and accept them for what they were.
He reminded me of the Gestalt prayer and the words of Dr. Fritz Perls that I learnt in my early years at University, when I was younger, and more open to all possibilities.
Dr. Perls said, "I am I and you are you. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped."
Knowing full well how much I prided myself in independence, Cal offered me the opportunity to find myself, to rely on myself and less on others. He allowed me the opportunity to dive into my subconscious with a supportive lead, yet he maintained his distance. He perfectly altered his own desires to meet my own, and gave me the chance to find my independence again.
Yet he never left my side. And when I needed to lean on him, when the pressure was too much to handle, when my body seemed too worn down and my mind too tired to make sense of the present, he was there, was my backbone; my shelter if I needed it.
And as easily as he had held me, he let me go against his own personal need, his own desires to be my hero, my knight in shining armour. He let me stand on my own two feet again, get back my sense of self, get back the Gillian Foster, that I needed; the Gillian that I knew he loved.
And then there was Nik; my beautiful Nik. Time allowed me the opportunity to accept the feelings I had for him. I allowed myself to succumb to the images that plagued my dreams; images of him when I felt I should have been dreaming of Cal.
And Cal never faltered in believing I could make sense of it. And I did.
Nik was my solace, my touchstone through the whole ordeal. He gave me everything he could to help me keep a level head. It pains me to think what would have happened if I didn't have him; those caring arms to hold me at night, when I was frightened most.
I wish Nik all best in this hard time ahead for him as he tries to survive; to look forward to a life of freedom, a life where he can be his own man.
I find comfort in knowing he will always be dear to me; that he will always be my Nik.
And with my new independence, I look ahead with hope and claim my sense of home.
And with skilled placement, I move my heavy pawn piece in its rightful spot, and take what is mine.
Because I've actually finished something... I felt it necessary to have a little acknowledgement.
Thank you to anyone who has read this. To anyone who took to the time to read over my ramblings, my silly daydreams.
To those who have read and reviewed, I am grateful; I am your humble servant.
Thank you for your kind words, and for following me as I spat this out; some silly daydream that has lead me to believe, to have some crazy dream that I am half as good as I want to be, and that maybe one day, with more help, I can accomplish and write something, anything, and have it published.
Honestly, you have been so sweet through this whole process and I am ever thankful for your ever awesome diligence.
Thank you to my regulars, those who leapt at the chance of a new chapter. Your excitement gave me chills. I love you guys.
To Becks... my muse... my love...
To Sandy... my saviour... my sassy one...
To Lodie and Kat and Kate and Endless and GillyBean and Tess and Sash and Rugbygirrl and Monique and LOVER of course my beloved Anne... and anyone who has left me with any criticism whatsoever... Much love from this ninja...
There has been a request for a possible continuation... which I can certainly guarantee... is already treading through my daydreams. So stay tuned.
To my French Lover... I am glad the wait is over... I hope you have enjoyed it.
Ever grateful, ever humble