Title: Mourning
Author: csiphile
Rating: G
Category: G/S

Summary: A short Grissom POV post-Burden, literally. His thoughts on the LOA.

Disclaimer: I do not own them, if only I was that creative!
They belong to the great folks at CBS and A. Zuicker.
I need to credit the song at the beginning, its "Mourning" by Tantric,
from thier self titled CD.

Is there something that your trying to say
Don't hold back now
Its been a long time since I've felt this way
So don't hold back now
I purposely forgot about loving anyone
Cause I'm the only one who has, who has been stepped upon

Is there something that your trying to say
Cause I can take it
Cause I grew up a man this way
If I'm hurt I'll shake it
I'll crawl back into my cave
It's how I'll make it
Cause out of all this hurt we have
beauty thus become, beauty thus become

In the mourning I can see the sights
No wonder I can never keep you satisfied
In the mourning I can see inside
Myself and all the things you were trying to hide

He had sat at his desk quietly contemplating the Leave of Absence in his hand.
Wondering what the hell happened, when everything had gone so wrong that she had decided to leave.
He had heard what she said, she needed communication, respect. Didn't he give that to her?
Gil Grissom was honestly perplexed, maybe lately he had become a bit more reserved than usual, especially with her.
Gil stared at the paper like it was the enemy, taking away one of the best CSIs he had,
someone who brought something to the group no one could replace, taking away Sara.
What he was slowly realizing was it wasn't that sheet of papers fault, it was his.

But what had he done to motivate her to this extreme? Thinking back, he realized he really was turning into himself
more and more. Working the cases with all he had, leaving nothing for anyone else. His life was his job,
always has been and always will be, that's who Gil Grissom was, the scientist who would try
anything to solve the puzzle,the puzzle that drew them all to this strange line of work.
Sara needed the kind of praise and acknowledgement that he was not used to providing, he had to admit he wasn't
very good in the role of supervisor. This case seemed to push her over the edge with his behavior,
he was so engrossed this time he didn't take the time to include her as he used to.
Maybe subconsciously he was doing it intentionally, trying to push her away, not wanting to reveal too much of
himself. Catherine probably knew him the best, they had worked together for almost 10 years, and over such a time,
pieces of his life outside of work escaped, not always by his own volition. Catherine had a way of doing that.
Nick and Warrick didn't know him that much, and they just accepted him as is, *that's just Grissom* is the how they
had learned to work with him.

Then there was Sara. He knew Sara the longest, from the seminar he had taught at Harvard, and they had kept in touch
through time. When he first met her he saw a very ambitious young, very young then, woman who was fascinated with
what he did, almost to the point of exhaustion. She could talk about something she was interested in, usually
science, for hours and not get tired, he had never met anyone quite like her, except for himself.
Perhaps that's what the problem is, he sees himself in Sara and doesn't want her to turn into him, the guy that
everyone thinks is weird, and avoids whenever possible unless absolutely necessary. He cares for her,
too much probably, more than she even knows, and it scares him, he has lived his 45 years to this point
without too many relationships, without really caring too much. Something about Sara made him care, made him think about her in ways that
as her supervisor, he shouldn't. He was attracted to her enthusiasm when they first met,
perhaps had she been a few years older, but back then, nothing would ever come of it.
Over the years he had turned into her mentor, a friend who helped her with her studies, her goal
to become the best scientist she could. Separated by miles, it stayed that way, friends who spoke
weekly at least. Then he brought her here, brought her to the same city, permanently,
or so he thought, he could have chose any one of the of the multitude of investigators he knew
who could have looked into the Holly Gribbs incident. But he chose her. He trusted her implicitly,
with his crew, with his reputation, with his life, why couldn't she see that. *Probably because you
never tell her*, he thought at the time. Unfortunately he thought she wouldn't go through with it, that if he simply didn't sign the form, she wouldn't leave.

Later at dinner with Catherine she had made it clear to him that was flawed thinking, especially where Sara was
concerned. Sara would leave without thinking twice about it, and maybe that would be the end for their long standing
friendship. Unacceptable, he was going to have to be more proactive in order to keep her, not just in the lab,
but in his life. Catherine showed him, albeit a bit drunkenly, that he needed to pay more attention,
that closing himself off to all of them was not the answer. They looked up to him, used him has a model,
maybe he didn't want that, but he got it, like it or not, so he needed to show a better example. He need to
express to Sara that not only did the lab need her, but he did also. The problem being that he didn't know 100%
in what fashion he needed her, certainly she was needed at the lab, but did he want her in his life on a more
personal basis? Thus was the crux of the problem, it was now obvious to him, with a little help from Catherine,
that Sara had personal feelings for Gil which he refused to acknowledge for the fear of letting someone in,
get to close to him. Keeping her at a distance seemed to be the best option, that way he could just avoid it
and only think of her in a subordinate role, he hadn't thought about what her reaction to that would be.
She was calling his bluff, instead of staying away she forced the issue with the Leave of Absence, making him
look at her, to be aware of her. He was afraid of recognizing her feelings, because that meant he was going to have
to face his own, and that truly terrified him, especially since those feeling could become more than they currently
are if given the chance. Gil had to admit to himself that he found Sara attractive, as most men do, but he felt
a connection with the young CSI that he hadn't felt in a long time, and that's what scared him.
He had many relationships in the past, but none ever worked out, all failed because of Gils obsession with his
work. Now in front of him was a woman who not only shared his passion for the job, and the unusual things that go
with it, but it seemed was interested in him as well. Of course admitting to himself that he wanted something
more with her was part of the battle, and honestly the easiest. After that comes the obvious problems, one being
the 15 year age difference between them, not many people look kindly upon older men and younger women, then again
when did he care what others opinion of him was, and based on some of Sara's behavior she didn't care either.
That brought him to the most serious issue, the fact that he is her supervisor, a line that cannot be crossed
in his mind, and neither one would leave the shift, he was sure of that; and if Ecklie ever found out, that guy
was looking for an excuse to bring down the graveyard shift a notch, Gil wasn't going to give him the ammunition to
do it. So was the possibility of him and Sara more important than the job, than their friendship,
than the entire team. That was the bottom line.

It was getting late, and all this introspection was getting him no where, except a headache.
Maybe nothing will come of all this, hopefully she will decide to stay, he will try harder to be involved,
and let what happens, happens, not every decision can be made analytically.
Just admitting that is a step in the right direction he supposes. In the meantime, he makes a conscious
decision to lift his head out of the microscope and make a better effort to all of them, but especially Sara,
starting in the morning.