Self Help is Complicated in Tokyo-3

AN: I like the bridge bunnies. So, you know, time travel fic is the first thing that came to mind. I had a definite idea in my head about how it was going to go, with Makoto summoning ice cream trucks for fun and profit, among other things. For some reason, that didn't want to be written. Instead, this is what came out.

Chapter 1: What's in it for me?

Shigeru drifted in a sea of orange, feeling like he truly belonged. But there was a nagging feeling of incompleteness even then. For a long time the feeling grew without becoming recognizable, then –

"I don't have my guitar."

Shigeru found himself washed up on a beach, still in his uniform. He stood, brushing off the sand as he looked around. The sky was the red of fresh blood., mirroring the sea beneath it. He nearly had a heart attack when he saw the head of a giant Rei.

"What the hell, Ikari?"

"All will be explained in time."

Mr. Aoba turned to see Shinji ten feet away. Further behind the boy, his two coworkers jogged to catch up.

"So you want us to go back and keep you guys sane? If you can send us back, why don't you just change yourselves?"

Shinji coughed uncomfortably.

"We sort of tried that. It doesn't work. If we alter ourselves, the scenario doesn't affect us as gods."

Shigeru was silent for a moment, thinking, then spoke.

"Not to sound self-centered or anything, but what's in it for us? That wasn't a fun time to be alive."

Shinji smiled.

"We've talked it over, and I have been authorized to give each of you a boon. Money, powers, expertise in a discipline, you name it. Only a few exceptions: No making someone fall in love, no bringing back the dead, and no wishing for more wishes. You also might consider that you'll want to hide any super powers you would have."

Maya had known her wish long before the offer was fully explained.

"Big breasts."

Shinji wondered if something had been lost in the translation from human to godhead.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded firmly.

"One size bigger than Misato's."

Shinji sighed in exasperation.

"Consider it done."

Makoto had a gleam in his eye.

"A ten inch… you know."

Shinji facepalmed. Shigeru frowned. They had taken the obvious ones.

"The ability to sprout tentacles."

Maya blushed. Makoto felt stupid. Shinji remade reality into what was sure to be a porno.

Shigeru slipped into the reiquarium, taking a few moments to adjust to breathing liquid. The Ree gathered curiously. From his back sprang many, many, long tentacles.

"Payback time."

Ritsuko's productivity had dropped since they hired the young (and pert) Maya. Fortunately, the girl easily picked up the slack. Ritsuko watched the girl('s chest) in wonder. She programmed as if she had lived her life around the MAGI. It was distracting, having such a talented (endowed) underling. Maya turned, returning the stare.

"Is there something you wanted, senpai?"

Ritsuko found herself a little flustered.

"I just wanted to congratulate you on your impressive ra- er, work. You've done really well."

Maya smiled, placing a demure hand on the slope of her chest.

"I assure you it's all natural. Talent, I mean."

Ritsuko nodded stiffly, feeling a small pressure build up behind her nose.

"You'll go far with that talent."

Maya smiled mischievously.

"How about lunch? I think we earned a break."

Ritsuko smiled.

"I could eat."

Gendo gazed at Shigeru, bringing all his powers of intimidation to bear. The young man was holding rather well.

"You were in a restricted area, conducting highly inappropriate activities. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Shigeru grinned.


The Ree popped into existence around him, glaring at the commander, Shigeru's tentacles curled possessively around the clones. Gendo growled,

"What do you want?"

"What do I want? I already have it, isn't that right, girls?"

The Ree giggled rather unsettlingly.

"Have no fear, commander. I will cooperate with reuniting you with your wife. It's the least I can do after receiving such a fine harem."

Mr. Aoba and the Ree disappeared in a thunderclap. Gendo sighed, then calmly reached into a hidden drawer and pulled out a whiskey bottle. He left the shot glass in the drawer.

AN: So yeah. The point of divergence from ice cream truck summons was when Makoto more or less copied Maya's wish. Everything after just sorta snowballed. And no, this fic is not going to be a porno, despite Shinji-sama's expectations.