(In FATHER TED CRILLY AND FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE'S BEDROOM, DOUGAL is sitting on his bed. He is wearing pyjama bottoms, as well as his well know green Republic of Ireland top. Next to him is a tube of Arnica cream, which he is smearing all over his cheek.)

TED: (Entering the room) God ...

DOUGAL: Where? (Looks around)

TED: No, Dougal. I mean .. (Sees half of his face caked in cream) .. Um, what are you doing?

DOUGAL: What? Oh, this. (Holds tube out to TED) That doctor fella said to put it on before going to bed.

TED: (Takes it off him and reads, then gives DOUGAL something of a look) Dougal, this cream is for fixing your bruise. To do that, you sort of need to put it on your bruise.

DOUGAL: No, you don't say?

TED: Yes, I do. Just take it and .. you know what, nevermind. Better move your hair. (DOUGAL does as he is told and lifts his hair off his forehead with a swift movement of his hand. TED sits on his own bed just opposite.)

DOUGAL: What was up with ya just then, Ted?

TED: (Squeezing cream into his palm) Oh it's your mother. She stopped me at the top of the stairs and chewed my ear.

DOUGAL: (Staring in a daze) .. Why'd she do that?

TED: Not literally. What I mean is, well ... (Is not quite sure how to put it, and thinks about it as he leans forward and starts applying cream to DOUGAL'S bruise.) I'm sure your mother loves you very much, it's just .. don't you think she's a bit dominating?

DOUGAL: How'd you mean?

TED: Well y'know. Hovering over you the way she does, wrapping you in cotton wool and just being all-in-all controlling. It doesn't bother you?

DOUGAL: God Ted, thats just the start of it. She does this thing with your ear ...

(Before he can get into more depth, MAMMY bursts into their room. Wearing a beauty mask and her hair in rollers, she looks something to be ridiculed but the scowl on her face would make anyone think better of it.)

MAMMY: Which one of ya brushed yer hair over the bathroom sink? (Before either of them can answer, she rushes up to TED.) Was you wasn't it? Get here! (She pinches TED'S ear and marches him quickly out of the room in a comedic fashion, with the poor man wincing and heard going: 'Ow ow ow ow ow!' all the way to the bathroom.)