February 17th, five in the morning
Cosette is sleeping beside me. She's curled up next to me, and this book is on top of the covers, somewhat precarious so I don't disturb her. She only just fell asleep a few minutes ago... we've been awake talking for hours. At around three we went downstairs into the kitchens, because we were both famished... Neither of us ate much at dinner, being somewhat preoccupied (and nervous, to be honest). I tried to fall asleep, but quickly realized I will not be able to. There's far too much to think about.
I will not write about any of it here... it feels wrong to tell even this book. I can say though that is was not at all like what people say it's like. Her head is resting on the pillow next to me, and her lips are very red from kissing. I'm sure mine are too, I can feel them burning, but in a good way. Previously, I would have cared if someone were going to laugh at me tomorrow, but I really don't right now.
There's one thing I must admit to, and I am very disappointed about it. Immediately after Cosette's nightgown was off and she was naked, the first thing I thought of was... Courfeyrac! That's right! It's awful! His face just popped into my mind, because I knew that, wherever he is resting, he was right over my shoulder at that moment, laughing. Not cruelly, because I think he'd see this as his accomplishment, somehow (I have no idea how he could twist the situation to make it something that he won for me, but I'm sure he would). Anyway, it was not too terribly difficult to push the thought from my mind. The fact that it had been there, however, was shameful.
Cosette just stirred- I have a candle lit, and I don't want to wake her up. I'm going to try to sleep now, or at least put this book down and snuff the candles.
February 17, 1833
So this morning I thought absolutely nothing could disrupt my soundness of mind. Yet something did, nonetheless.
I don't know what to do or say about this man, this stranger who is Cosette's father. I'm utterly shocked that I never prodded into the enigma that he was. In the past few months there have been several oddities concerning the wedding and the details- Cosette's entire family being dead, for one, and she not knowing this. The fact that she does not know her mother's name, or who her father is... all this is strange, I know. But I was more focused on her than any of these strange pieces of information. To be honest, it does not change very much for me, personally, if this man goes and leaves. Cosette and I are still married, and he is out of our life.
I would have married her either way, of course, but I understand why he waited until after the wedding to tell me. I would not go into a contract with lies written on the pages- I just checked, all of our marriage documents are true, despite this fake identity. Though I would have married her anyway, I am sure my grandfather would have had something to say, six hundred thousand francs or no. So it's better that I'm finding out now.
What could he have done? I've already started some research into the past, for this Jean Valjean, and have not found much. However, it's Ash Wednesday and so I can't go to the library to find any old records. Tomorrow I'll have more information.
For now I will put it out of my mind. There's nothing I can do to change it, except to make it as easy on Cosette as possible.
How I wish I could tell her what all this is! I made this man a promise, but I already resent it, because it means I'm lying to her... yet I do not want to be the one to tell her all this, and break her heart. I don't think the fact that he is a convict would bother her very much, it's honestly that he never trusted her with the information that would hurt her. Of course, for me, I'm more concerned with the crimes he may have committed. What if he was a murderer? There is no possibility for him to have any extended relationship with Cosette if he's a murderer!
But why would he have given us all that money? Maybe it's stolen! What if I am approached for stealing this huge sum? I can't even deal with these possibilities!
Cosette is calling me. I'll write more later.
February 20, 1833
I'm almost certain he's a murderer; other than Inspector Javert, who he almost certainly killed, there is a man named Monsieur Madeleine who is known to have been murderered by a Jean Valjean. Tonight, when he comes, I am asking Basque to make the room as unwelcome as possible. I will not hesitate to say that I am afraid.
I am so surprised, as well. Cosette tells stories, and he seems to loving and gentle in them. This docile, quiet old man seems capable of no harm whatsoever. Yet I think of his possible strength- he is a very large man, after all- and I feel a chill. Nine years ago, he could have been capable of much more. He could surely have done those things. He has done those things. To think- to kill a man in cold blood!
February 24, 1833
I would like to report, as discreetly as possible, that last night I overcame any need of Courfeyrac. Not that I ever took any of his advice, but he was always there, should I need any. And it's clear that now, I don't. I did something all on my own, without his help or instruction. So, there! I'm not as hopeless as it might seem, and it did not take me very long at all, only eight nights of practice! I'm sure it took him much, much longer to figure out... It's very complicated in that area.
Not that I can take all of the credit. Cosette helped me out a lot. She's better at this than me, by far. She knows a surprising amount about herself, for reasons she has yet to confess to...
Hmm what's Marius talking about...?
Sorry for not updating guys!