How to Become Cool Guy

Chapter One - What Not to Do (when you wake up next to a van possibly owned by pedophiles)


Leon P.O.V.

At around 8:30 last night, I was told by my darling roommate (and quite-possibly now-ex-girlfriend) to "get my sorry fucking arse out of the god damn apartment" and subsequently threatened with a large, heavy, and exceptionally dented frying pan.

Needless to say, I got my sorry fucking arse out of that apartment.

Presently, at about 10:45 P.M., I am making my way out of some bar I forget the name of. I wander about, at first trying to head back to my apartment, but then realizing somewhere along the way that the only thing I have waiting for me there is an arsenal of kitchen utensils and an angry ex who isn't afraid to use them. So I turn around and walk down some other empty, dark street. All light was gone at this point; the little sliver of moonlight I had was being obscured by a thick layer of clouds and every other streetlight I passed was either burnt out or smashed in by some bored vandals.

I continue walking, but I can feel my brain persistently knocking on the side of my skull, telling me to go find a soft, cozy bed somewhere and fall asleep as soon as possible. Eventually my body agrees, but, unable to find a bed anywhere nearby, I find myself leaning against some random vehicle that I had almost run into just a moment ago.

I feel my brain slowly start to calm down inside my skull, and my eyelids droop until my eyes are finally shut and all I see now a shapeless blob of dull tie-dye colors that keeps transforming into different figures. It's aggravating and it makes me want to punch something but I'm so tired now that I'm pretty much immobile, so I let the blob dance around my mind for a while until it completely disappears and my vision is now completely filled with a calming black void.

I open my eyes not a second later and I feel my brain spontaneously combust inside my skull. The sun is already out high above me and is mercilessly beating against my eyes. My brain is now pulsing heavily at random parts of my head and I groan. I can almost feel my brain dripping out of my ears. I turn my head slightly and take note of what the hell it is I'm leaning against.

As fate would have it, it's your classic pedo-van. My head lolls back to its original position.

I feel like I'm dying. I probably look like it too. With my greasy blond hair and bloodshot eyes, complete with a slack jaw and an inhumanly distorted posture, I probably look like a rabid dog taking in its final breaths.

The wide-eyed, terrified little girl in front of me confirms my conclusion.

I make another dying noise and pull my knees up childishly to my chest. The little blond in front of me is still standing there staring, so I shake my hand madly, hoping to shoo her away. She backs up and turns her head to the side shouting in a foreign language to a couple of guys approaching with grocery bags.

Wait, I made it all the way out to the grocery store? That's nearly a three mile walk from my apartment…

… Was I that drunk last night?

They speed up, and I belatedly take note of their... Unique hair styles. One has a relatively normal haircut; short with the bangs cut straight across, but the color is a deep blue that can't be natural. He's holding all of two grocery bags to his chest and looks as though he's trying his hardest not to fall over. The other I might have mistaken for a female if not for his masculine facial features. His lair is long, violets, and looks like it came out of a shampoo ad. It's the kind of hair that all girls would envy. He more graceful, carrying almost thrice the amount of the blue-haired man and walks purposefully my way.

They're both glaring at me now. I think they think the pedo-van is mine.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. So being the smart person that I am, I gaze up lazily and wave at them. The one with the long hair raises his eyebrow, and the clumsy one looks nearly as scared as the girl. In fact, he takes to hiding behind the blond, whimpering again in another language. She twitches and mock punches him in the jaw.

The one with violet hair orders the other two, probably to go put the groceries away, seeing as the girl reluctantly take the bags in her arms, muttering. It turns out they happen to be the owners of the pedo-van. In the back of my mind, I start to worry about the safety of the little girl, but watching as she begins to mercilessly beat the blue-haired man with a salami log puts me at ease. The girly-man speaks up, talking in slightly-accented English

"Are you ok?"

I cross my eyes, and wince at my headache. I probably look like a moron. "Yeah. Really bad hangover. That's all."

"Do you need a ride home?"

Now I'm confused. I'm not a young, pre-pubescent child. I'm a twenty-three year old man with a hangover, probably with a bit of stubble on my chin.

"You are scaring the general public."

That's probably the truth. I'm a mess. I don't need a mirror to know that, either.

"Well, I don't have a home right now. My girlfriend kicked me out of our apartment. And you don't fight with her. She's dangerous."

"I know the type." He smiles good-naturedly. I guess I'm lucky to have run into a nice person, long, girly hair or not. "You can't stay at the residence of a friend for a bit?"

I think about this. Most of my friends around here are female and friends of my ex, so asking to stay with them would be suicide.

Tonio's on vacation in Italy with his fiancée.

Even Al is off somewhere in Japan, probably flirting with a harem of women.

I groan and fall back, the unattractive noise breaking off when I hit the hard metal of the van's bumper, and continuing again, louder this time. I probably sound like a dying animal, my head is pounding; my stomach is trying to rid itself of its contents; I can hardly keep my eyes open and the world spins every time I move my head. This must be the worst hangover ever experienced by man. Or at least, this is the worst one I've had yet.

The man in front of me seems to understand my pain, and he extends a hand to help me up. After a bit of difficulty, I manage to get myself steady on my feet. As effeminate as he appears, he seems significantly stronger than the average person, including me; and he has a couple inches on me as well. My pride is slowly dwindling away like water down a drain

"Why don't you ride around with us for a while?"

I lock eyes with him, trying to gauge whether or not he's going to try and kill me or if he's just being a really good Samaritan. He seems to be sincere enough and it can't hurt. If I can't find another place to stay, then I don't think Tonio will mind if I break in his house and crash there for a while. Well, not that much, at least.

"Sure- uh- I guess- You not pedophiles are you? I don't really want to get arrested- for associating with pedophiles… you know?" I have a stunning way with words. It must explain my popularity with people.

He laughs, replying "No, no we are not; you do not have to worry about that," he brushes a couple hairs to the side of his face dramatically and I swear I see pink glittery sparkles frame his figure. "I'm Gakupo."

"I'm Leon. You guys for- foreign… foreigners or something?"

He nods, "We are visiting from Japan."

The other two are finished loading the van and come around back to see what's going on. Gakupo first gestures to the blue one, "This is Kaito," then turns to the blond "And this is Len." Both wave back, seeming confused but mostly hospitable.

"Huh. I didn't know that Len was a girl's name in Japan. Nice to meet you." I wave back and force a smile, but put down my hand due to an awkward silence that follows my statement. I wonder if I maybe just gave them the Japanese middle finger or something when Kaito breaks out into a fit of laughter and Gakupo seems to stifle a chortle. The blonds face is almost entirely red.

Upon closer inspection, and following a few whacks upside the head, I come to the realization that Len is actually a male, and has been all 14 years of his life.

I'm obviously not really on this kid's good side.

Thankfully, he has a limited knowledge of English and I don't understand most of the insults he's spitting while beating me with a carrot.


As I enter the pedo-van, I realize that it wasn't exactly what I had expected. It's actually got a rather fancy interior, with leather seats and a built-in GPS. Kaito and Gakupo take the front seats, forcing Len and I to sit next to each other in the back two seats. The kid seems to move as far away from me as possible, still seeming more than a little upset about having to sit near the man who thought he was a girl. He and Kaito share an aggravated exchange in Japanese, which ends with Gakupo having to stop the van and pull Len off of me, the little blond screaming "Hitogoroshi!Hitogoroshi!" not a centimeter from my face.

I keep a sort of awkward silence throughout the first half or so of the ride to who knows where, but eventually Kaito attempts to make conversation with me. I've noticed that his English is pretty good as well. It's not quite as good as Gakupo's, but it's still comprehensible. "So Leon, why did your girlfriend kick you out?"

… Wait, what? Isn't that just a little rude?

"Because I lost my job," I've responded before I can even realize that my mouth is open. My hangover is starting to ebb but I'm still as slow-witted as ever. Apparently though, not as much as this guy, who is starting to ramble, complete with exaggerated hand gestures that I can see even from my limited view, sitting behind him.

"She kicked you out for losing your job! Well why didn't you guys talk it out or something?" he gives me no time to respond, going on to say, "Whenever I have a fight with Meiko- who- well Meiko is more like a sister to me than a girlfriend- ew, no, not a girlfriend- I mean, well. We argue all the time; she calls me stupid and hits me a lot. But then we talk it out and sometimes if it goes really well we go out and get ice cream. She always gets chocolate though. Every. Single. Time. Whenever I go out to get ice cream I get a different kind each time, because if I didn't I'd be neglecting all the other flavors and that would be so rude of me, and I don't want to upset the ice cream. I want to become the king of ice cream, one day, actually. Oh! And sometimes I even get all the flavors combined but then Meiko calls me a pig and makes fun of me and- well then we start fighting all over again and one time she even dumped her ice cream on me and that's such a waste of ice cream; oh, I nearly cried that time, that was so harsh and -"

With a growl, Len throws himself from his seat and starts strangling Kaito from behind his chair.

The sudden action causes Gakupo to flinch away from the two, and subsequently causes the vehicle to swerve sharply to the right, just barely missing some poor innocent bystander who has raised his hand our direction in an ever-colourful gesture. The sudden movement of the vehicle knocks Len off balance and throws him right into me. I brace myself for an attack, but thankfully the boy is so surprised that I can push him off without any more harm done to my body.

We pull over to the side of the road, and Gakupo checks to make sure we're all alright. Despite Kaito's whines, Len's complaining, and my battered and abused ego, everyone came out of the situation just fine. Watching Gakupo scold Len for his "brash and unnecessary actions" brings out the smug ten-year-old in me and I have to resist the urge to mock him.

Kaito turns around in his seat to face me, with faint tear tracks running down his face. He cups his hand around his mouth away from Len and whispers "You should see his twin sister. Her temper's even worse." Seeing the genuine fear and horror that shrouding his eyes compelled me to believe him one hundred percent.

After reprimanding Len and settling everyone down, Gakupo continues driving.

Only to stop five miles later to buy a bunch of bananas and eggplants at a farm stand.

And three miles later, upon passing an ice cream parlor.

I wonder what I've gotten myself into.


Translations:

Hitogoroshi – Murderer (Not 100% sure if it's used in the correct context please correct me if it's not ;.;')

Notes:

The van is based on a limo service I took when I was little that looked like a pedo-van from the outside but was actually really cool on the inside…

If you don't know who Leon is, he's basically the first Vocaloid, and he's English. He's made by Zero-G, and has no character design, so I'm just going off the most popular fan-made one in which he's blond with a purple shirt etc. If you're looking for an example of his voice, I would suggest looking up his cover of Video Killed the Radio Star. It's one of his best, imho.

Of the Japanese Vocaloids that can't actually speak English, Gakupo seems to have the best and Len has the worst. That's my opinion, though.

A/N:

Alright. So. FYI, this story really won't have much plot/continuity beyond maybe a few arcs. It's just gonna be a bunch of loosely connected one-shots/two-shots/maybe three-shots updated sporadically. The first chapter or so will set up the general situation and the rest will just be practice with characters, and trust me, I plan to put a lot of character into this. Leon, Kaito, Gakupo, and Len are going to be the main characters, however. (Ha ha, no one really cares about Leon so I doubt this will even get read :/) I really just made this because I want to make something that has continuity but isn't something I'm gonna have to devote myself to… I already made that mistake once OTL

Anyhow, I hope you enjoy! If you find any mistakes, please tell me!