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everything is broken
influenced by the song how to save a life by the fray
DISCLAIMER: i do not own vampire knight, nor do I own how to save a life (owner aforesaid mentioned).
- okay, this isn't my first fanfic, but it is my first published. really hope you guys enjoy it! it took me nearly four hours straight of simply revising this and then i had to rewrite it for a second time. you guys better like this! anywho, have fun kiddies :333 –
~ everything is broken ~
All the While
I have to do it. I have to do it now. I have to! I run so fiercely, lungs aflame and legs icey numb. My brown hair slaps me in the face, but I don't care. I try to run faster. I try to find him as quickly as I can, yet I can't seem to move any faster. I have to tell him the truth. I absolutely have to.
"Zero!" I shout desperately, unable to catch up to him, wherever he may be. I stumble a little, but instantly catch myself. Breathing heavily, I slam into the large french doors of the Cross Academy entrance. I finally take the time to look up and see that it's old and abandoned. The windows are boarded up, condemned. I've only been gone for two years, how could this happen? I beat the door with my fist. I'm too late. It's too late for him to know, for him to know the truth. . .
"Yuuki, Yuuki, wake up," I feel a hand lightly tap my face, "wake up, damn it. I can't deal with that insipid shouting." A masculine voice grumbles and I'm shaken out of my dream. My terrifying dream where I can only reach Zero when it's too late. I can never tell him the truth, though I desperately want to. The truth. . .
"Zero," I gasp. He's in the kitchen, boiling something. I sniff the air and find that it's soup.
"Morning. You were raising hell on the couch with that nightmare. Hope it's not broken." Zero smirks and gives me a sideways glance. He pretends to feign interest in my well-being to hide his feelings, but I see through it all too well. We've known each other for so long. I glare at him, but can't help but laugh. I find this situation hilarious, for very odd reasons.
"Why are you cooking soup in the morning?" I slowly get up off the couch and stretch. I pop my back and, unwillingly, my arms and legs. I walk over to Zero and lean on the counter beside him, watching him cook. My smile is faint, but sweet.
"Can't a man cook whatever he wants, whenever he wants?" He smiles devilishly, playfully, at me as he patiently stirs the soup.
"You never cook."
"So?" He cocks his head but watches the pot.
"I usually cook."
"And." We smile quietly as he continues to ever stir the soup. For the first time I notice the color. It's blue.
"Blue?" I look dubiously at him.
"Can't a man cook blue soup in the morning?" He trails off. "What has this country come to…?" Zero quietly rants as he stirs the soup. We watch the blue soup ripple with the laddle in his hand. Suddenly, the blue soup turns purple. I shake my head, perpetually disturbed by the color-changing soup he ever stirs. I turn for the fridge and open it with several metal clanks. I snoop around for a second to try and find a drink.
"Ah, here it is," I grab a coke and open it with the classic ca-ch, "last coke." I announce and turn around. Zero is in my face with a grim expression. I step back and hit the fridge. Several things behind me fall, one of which hits the back of my leg, leaving a dull pain. I drop the coke, spilling it all over the white tile.
"Zero. . .!" He places his lips on mine.
"Zero!" I wake up. Again. Except this time I'm in my bedroom with angry sunlight burning my eyes. I turn my head away and sit up. And for some reason begin to cry. I thought I had gotten over this. I haven't had this dream in years. I want it over with. I want this nightmare over with and I want Zero back. I should've known it was just a dream. I suck at cooking so why would aI dream something like that? It was so stupid and unlikely. But it still felt so real.
Before long there is a puddle of tears in my lap, soaking my gray athletic shorts I usually wear to track. I was so exhausted yesterday after practice I came home and nearly collapsed. I look over my shoulder and out the window to see the football field sized courtyard across the street on campus. Students are milling around with their friends, waiting -and maybe not so excitedly- for classes to start.
I stand up and walk into the kitchenette that was the setting of my dream. It's empty. No Zero. Just tile and dirty dishes that continuously pile up. I stand in front of the tile, on the edge of the carpet, waiting for the door to open and Zero to come in. I wait for him to rudely barge in and lecture me about how I need to wake up on time and complete my studies instead of letting them grow in size on my dining room and coffee tables. But he doesn't walk in. The apartment stays empty. I am alone. I am absolutely
The tears start up again and this time it's more obvious as to why. I miss him. I miss Zero so terribly. I slowly make my way to the couch, wanting a comfortable place to weep. I lay down and close my eyes folding in on myself. I embrace this sadness and loneliness and regret. Biting my lip, I hope to only control the heaving sobs.
"It's all my fault. It's my fault he killed himself," I mumble, "please come back, Zero. Please come back to me…!" This isn't the first time I've begged for Zero's return. In fact I believe it won't be the last, for I have cried out his name a million times and will a million more. I have dreamed that very same dream a million times and very likely will a million more. . . because the truth is, I love him.
Zero's P.O.V – 2 years prior
I have to tell her. I have to or else. . . or else what? Or else she'll never know? I'll never have a chance? I have to or she'll always want Kuran. I can't lose to such a pretentious muscle head! I stalk towards the door -prepared to leave-, put my hand on the doorknob, and then jerk my arm back. I turn around quickly and run my hand through my silver hair. No, no I can't. I can't hurt her like that. I can't. What if I fall to level E when I'm with her? I stand anxiously in front of my lazily made bed.
But I turn to face the door. Everything seems to tilt toward it as though I has its own gravity, pulling me in to it. I can still tell her, though, right? It wouldn't be fair to her if she didn't know, righrt? I have to tell her. I have to. I have to tell her the truth. I take a step forward to the door and it slowly creeps open. At first, I think it's fate telling me to get out of this room and tell her the truth already, but then Yuuki steps in and shuts the door quietly behind her. Immediately, I'm tipsy with the scent of her blood. It's so tantilizing, so manipulative...
And in her presence I lose all power and I know for a fact that I won't be able to tell her. She's right here in all of her innocent dawn beauty and I can't tell her the truth like I so absolutely wanted to. She puts this feeling inside of me, like the whole universe revolves around her.
"Zero," her voice is sober, matching her sad expression. I automatically know that something is wrong. I file my emotions and carefully tuck them away, giving away nothing of my inner turmoil.
"Yuuki, what are you doing here?" My voice is colder than I intended. I can't help it. She's a vampire, the very thing I hate the most. And so am I. I lie to myself so horribly, though to others my lies are near perfection. Honestly, I merely wanted to hide my anxiety and in turn became spiteful. I want to take the words back as soon as I see the pain in her chocolate doe eyes. They shimmer with tears behind them, striking a pang of hateful regret in my chest. She bites her lip nervously. Oh, how I wish I could bite her neck. . .
"I-I have to tell you something, Zero." She speaks softly, walking slowly to my bed, half-made. Yuuki smooths out a bulging wrinkle in the bed sheets. She watches it sadly, and even after it's smooth as linoleum, she continues to trace her hand over the swirling designs in the blood red blanket.
I wait for her to go on. I clench my jaw tightly, not wanting in this moment. I don't want my hand in the horrible making of this place in time. Whatever Yuuki has to say it can't be good. She's usually so cheerful and brimming with smiles. She's mirroring me and I hate it. I hate how she's so serious and quiet. It's not her. It was never her to begin with. Her movements are slow and careful, her voice tense and quiet. This silence seems to maginfy the glorious smell of her blood. Every second, I hate myself more than the last for wanting to drink her blood. I hate who I am, what I've become and I hate Yuuki even more for... for what? Who she is? I suddenly feel stupid.
"Zero. . ." she turns to face me solemnly. A tear slips down her cheek and my heart skips a beat. Her brown, nearly red eyes show with pain. Can't she just say it already? Can't she just spit out whatever it is she wants to tell me?
"Zero, I-I'm going away. I'm going away with Kaname-sama." She barely makes eye contact my flitty eyes. Now, I regret wanting her to tell me. I wish I could go back in time and express my feelings for her. Unfortunately, that's Kuran's thing, not mine. I swallow the heavy lump in my throat. Why am I reacting like this? It can't possibly be that she's moving all that far away.
"Where to?" My voice nearly catches. Now, I definitely can't tell her the truth. If she's moving away, then Kuran and Yuuki's deal is sealed. Anything I say will help nothing and only humiliate me further.
"A town to the South of us. It's coastal and Kaname-sama has a manor there." She takes a few steps forward, so slowly it takes me a moment to understand her movements.
"The closest town to the south of Cross Academy is three and a half hours away," I try my hardest to conceal the plea for her to stay, but knowing her, she's probably seen through it. I inwardly curse myself.
"I know," she whispers, "I'll miss you." She brings her hand up to hold my arm. The touch feels pathetic and unreal, I almost pull away. I don't say anything to her. She's already broken my heart within the five minutes she's been in my room. She's become a vampire and has now alienated me. I nearly spit on her. I look out into the evening sky, flaming with affable colors through my window. And even though I try my hardest to think of other things, I can't help but drink in the smell of her blood. I think of how easy it would be to sink my teeth in to her right now, how willing she would be to let me. Just the thought of how easy it would be tempts me to throw her on to my bed right now and pin her down, sinking my teeth into her inviting neck.
"Zero, I'm so sorry. I have to. I have to—"
"I know. Go. I'll be fine-" I turn to face her and smile weakly, "-I'm a big boy now." At the mention of my "growth" the scent of her sweet blood finally reaches its climax. Right now, It would be so easy for me to drain her of all of her blood. I would'nt regret, wouldn't think twice if I didn't have a soul. But I do. So I can't. I can't let my fangs slip so easily in to her jugular. I can't lick the blood off my lips, and from her soft, porcelean neck, though I so desperately crave for it.
"I know," she smiles. I hate myself for wanting her blood. Even as a vampire, it's so ravenous- her blood.
"When do you leave?" I try to distract myself with her terrible leaving, but I can't help but stare at her neck. Her tender neck. I bit my cheek and force myself to focus. You're an animal. A disgusting, filthy animal for wanting her blood, I yell at myself. You claim to love her, yet you thirst for her blood!
Yuuki hesitates, "now." She whispers, barely audible. And I nearly jump on top of her and suck her dry. I hate her, I hate me, and I hate Kuran. My throat and eyes burn, one for blood, the other for tears. The ache of loneliness seeps in.
"Good-bye," I nearly mouth the words with how quiet my voice is, "Yuuki Kuran." We both flinch at the sudden change of her last name. I had to do it. I had to make her leaving real, make it hurt. Though, for which of us, I might not ever know.
"Good-bye, Zero," she stands on her tip toes and kisses my cheek. Yuuki turns around and leaves so quickly, shutting the door with a booming click. In reality it's barely audible.
"I love you, Yuuki. You'll always be my Yuuki Cross," I stare at the door in which she left, hoping for her to come right back in and tell me what a joke it was. Or that she heard me though the door and down the hall and came to explain how she feels the same- this one is a more likely fantasy, I sadly realize.
The spot on my cheek where she kissed me burns. I feel like clawing it off, clawing my face off even. Now, there's nothing left of me. Yuuki is gone, having all her needs fulfilled by Kuran, whereas all I would do is drink her blood and break her heart.
"You almost knew the truth," I faintly whisper.
I shut the door quiet, behind me with intent to run away to Kaname-sama and cry to him. But I hesitate, still having Zero's cheek pressed softly against my lips. It felt so right. All intentions wrong, but what I did—my actions, felt so right.
"I love you, Yuuki. You'll always be my Yuuki Cross," I hear Zero's muffled voice speak quietly through the door. I turn around. I want to throw the door open and fall into Zero's arms. He said it. He said it when I couldn't. He spoke the truth we both privately knew of ourselves. My hand lingers on the doorknob, poised to reject Kaname-sama and his wishes for me to move away. I bite my lip and clench my fist.
Robotically, I turn on my heel and run crying to Kaname-sama's arms just like I knew I would all along. How pathetic am I?
"You almost-," Zero's words float in one ear and out of the other as I bolt down the hallway tears following suite.
I clench my fists at my side. Don't cry. Don't be so pathetic. It's just a girl. You can find another. I tightly shut my eyes as my heart runs in the opposite direction, straight for Kuran. Yuuki, no. My eyes burn violently.
"Yuuki!" I shove everything off of my desk in a loud growl, my near level E vampiric instinct taking over. How could she do this to me? I loved her, I protected her and this is the way she pays me back? That traitorous bitch! No. no, I can't think like that. I love her. I love her enough to let her go be with who she wants. I close my eyes and lean on the desk, wrists out, clinging to the edge with pale fingers. But now that she's gone what will I do? No one else cared about me like she did. She was the only one who I let in, who would fight their way in. Her smile was addictive to everyone who saw it, and now it's gone. it's gone because of me. That happiness I felt just from seeing her smile at me will never be felt again. In the last five minutes, with her leaving, she has frozen me heart and left me broken.
I remember all the times I stayed up late with her, helping her with homework; how she always fell asleep just when she was about to get it. Now that's gone. I remember how many times she smiled for me; how many times she cried for me, for my sake. I told he to stop, that I wasn't worth it or that she needn't worry. Now that's gone as well. All of her love for me, her sadness for me, it's all gone. Every single bit of Yuuki in my life is gone. Because of me. Because of Kuran. Kuran, I growl. I hate that bastard. "I FUCKING HATE YOU!" I shout into the ceiling, grabbing my lamp and throwing it into the wall. The light bulb shatters within. A briliance of shocking yellow light strikes out into the wall, burning it. I seethe in the dark, burning with such a fierce hate and loneliness. Everything changed because of that freak vampire, Kuran. If he would've just left well enough alone, Yuuki would be human and she would still be here.
How will I survive like this? I was supposed to care for and protect Yuuki! Instead, I fall in love with her around the time she turns out to be a vampire, and then runs away. This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. Yuuki is stupid; Kuran is stupid; Cross-sama is stupid; this disgusting vampire integration academy is stupid!
Yet all the while I can't help but love her.
And all the while I can't help but wait for her return.
And all the while I hate myself for it.
Yuuki's P.O.V- Present
I wish I could've known how to save a life. I hate myself every day for my past ignorance, but that's worthless, right? What's in the past, is in the past: there's no going back. Yet I can't help but regret not opening that door, not walking in his room, not telling him the truth. He said it, he said it to himself, but he still said it. And me? I cried to Kaname about it. And as I stand here before Zero's glistening black grave stone, I weep. I weep for myself and my stupidity. I'm not alone. I am in no way alone in this world. I have Kaname-kun, Cross-Sama, and Sara-chan. So why is everything so cold to the touch? If I still have loved ones, why does everything look old and wasted? It's because I loved him and now he's gone. I loved him so purely, so truly, so secretively, and still, it wasn't enough. That's me. That's who I am; the crier, the weeper of spilled milk, the one who loved openly all too late.
See, you can love someone so absolutely and still it might not suffice. That rose bud of love might not ever bloom. You have to tend to it, you have to recognize it, you have to announce it. And if you don't, if you're as ignorant as I was, you'll be too late. You will love too late, cry too early, and hate the wrong thing. Now, I do know how to save a life. I know how to keep someone alive in their darkest hour, it just takes courage. It takes a lot of courage, but you'll get through it and you'll get it done. Which is what I didn't have. I'm like the lion in the Wizard of Oz, except it took the death of the person I loved the most for me to gain that courage, not some petty wish from some petty wizard. There wasn't a witch that wanted me dead and I didn't have friends to guide me along the way. It was just me, and it was just him. But I know how to save a life now, I reassure myself. I do. I do. I do.
The sky is a steal gray dome surrounding me; bulbous clouds striking out with lightning occasisonally. I look up at the sky from Zero's grave and wonder where he is right now, what he's thinking. The rain shower begins, causing a loud shhhhhhh when it hits the leaves of the surrounding trees. I close my eyes, engulfed by the fog and soaking rain. Slowly, my head tilts back to the grave stone.
Friend, Brother, Son
It should say lover on there as well. It should say a lot more things than just those five words that couldn't sum up 1% of him. He was amazing, he was just- so- amazing. And even I would give a pathetic amount of meaningless words. Nothing he was or did could be described with words, but everything he was, it was in his actions. It was in his eyes, his motions; the twitch of an eyebrow, the upper or lower curve of his lip, that was who he was. He was what he did and what he did was simply breathtaking. He was his heart behind closed doors, but he was broken, so in front of all, you had to really watch him to know. You had to really watch him to know his pain or happiness. And I did. I knew it all, yet it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to love him or know him, that wasn't enough to save his life. But I can survive. I know I can survive, even though all the while I know it's my fualt, all of it was my fault. But I'll get through this lonely overcast day, because now? Well, I know how to save a life.
The tears fall openly as I walk away from his plot. They fall like the torrents around me as I sit in my car. The tears follow me home. They follow my every move as I make my way up the stairs to my apartment. I shut my door with a soft click behind me and slowly slide down it as I lean backwards. I bury my face into my jeans, sobbing. Why couldn't I save him? Why wasn't any of it enough? Why did he have to commit suicide? Why, why WHY? I slam my elbow into the door behind me, sending a sharp pain up to my shoulder. I jump up and run hysterically to my bedroom, the bed, throwing up the matress to reveal Bloody Rose laying their untouched for some time. i pick it up and hold it in my small hands in comparison. Zero placed this silver barrel right here up to his silver head. He delicately set his shaking finger on the trigger. And Zero pulled, all the while crying my name. So I do exactly what he did. I copy his actions, because I lied to myself every time I said I knew how to save a life. I lied so pitifully, believing I could change lives. And I think I will when I pull the trigger. What happens within the next split second is like a simoultaneaous reaction, it takes my breath away.
"Zero. . ."
Boom. And a shower of red cascades across my room.
"I'm here, Yuuki."
"Where is here?"
- That's chapter 1! So whadd'ya think about it? I thought it was really good and really sad *tear* I hate to tear apart one of my favorite pairings in anime (next to NaruXHina) but…you gotta do it sometimes! And I'm sorry if you don't understand everything that is going on, but it will all come together in later chapters. Well, thanks for reading :)
O! I almost forgot ;) R&R people! Ta-ta :333 -
Okay, So I have been updating and changing my story nearly every day it's been up. I'M SORRY. It's just that this story is good, but that editing it and making all these little tweaks and changes makes it so much better! Alright, so there's that. NOW, I have a poll I would like ALL of my readers to participate in. I'm not sure what to do with this story at all. Which is where you, the reader, come in. Check out the poll and you will understand exactly what I'm asking of you. It doesn't take all that long but like 2 or 3 clicks on your mouse, alright? And then, you can go back to hunting for even newer and better stories than mine (is there really such a thing though, honestly? xP), cool? Cool. See you're votes on my poll later!
I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH:3
Ok, since hardly NO ONE voted on my poll, this is staying a one-shot^^ i just had to edit it a couple times and then BAM! its a one-shot:3 soo thanks for reading! I will try to put up some more stories as soon as i can so fav me! :DDD
FINE, i will continue this story. i'm sorry, i can't help it TT_TT if you don't feel like coming back to this story again, than that's ok. this does well as a tragic one-shot, or you can read the next chapters and see what you think about them apples, alright? good. BYE TT_TT
I'M DONE WITH THIS STORY SO BE HAPPY
...or sad, it's your choice...
i wubs u:3