The Life and Times of a Badass
By: Someone not as badass as Eliwood, clearly.
Once upon a time, in the land of Pherae, there was born a badass. His father, Elbert, named him Eliwood, for only a badass baby could carry such a name with dignity and respect. (Plus, it started with an E, and only cool aristocrats were blessed with such names, Eliwood's mother, Eleanora, often remarked.)
When Eliwood was old enough to go to school, he put away his cardboard sword and ceased slaying imaginary dragons. Instead, he prepared himself to slay real dragons, for only a true badass could slay a dragon and live to tell of the experience.
At school, Eliwood made friends with Hector (who wasn't badass enough to have a name that started with an E) and an enemy of fellow E-name Erik. But Erik would never slay a dragon, Eliwood felt, for the poor sap could scarcely sit through a lesson on them without chewing on the sticks of graphite.
In his adulthood, Eliwood, who was still a badass, rescued damsels in distress, and even went on a quest to save his father…and then, when his father proved to be a less-than-stellar badass, the world.
His heroic deeds earned him the attentions of many fine ladies, among them Ninian, a dragon herself, and Fiora, a mercenary. Neither loved Lord Eliwood more than Lady Lyndis of Caelin, and when the world was saved, Eliwood tamed not a dragon, not a failed mercenary captain, but a wild and untamable savage.
This made him an even bigger badass, and all of Pherae rejoiced at his decision.
Sadly, his son was not a badass, and was thus given the name Roy, though one could argue that Roy's lack of badassery did not come from his father's side of the family.
With his powerful, epic sword, whose blade curved like the beak of a bird of prey (Eliwood fancied calling it a falcon sword, and because he named it, it was indeed a perfect name—certainly more badass than his son), Eliwood ruled over his country.
Until he became old and feeble and…still quite badass. However, instead of a romp in his bed with his savage wife, he made love to her with his eyes, and instead of slaying dragons, he slew arthritis—
"What is this, Mark?" Eliwood asked in horror, his fingers letting go of the parchment he held. "What kind of language? What kind of—I'm not even married to—"
"You don't like it?" asked Mark, and the man looked as if his feelings were deeply hurt.
Guilt settled into Eliwood's soul. "Err, that's not it," he said. "I just… Perhaps we shall keep it as a family heirloom. Don't you think that would be prudent?"
"Ahh, a splendid idea!" Mark continued, picking up the parchment to continue his tale.
Lord Eliwood was so badass, that he could not stand to hurt his fellow human beings. (Dragons, however, were another story, as he killed Ninian, who loved him with all her icy dragon heart, without a second thought.)
You are probably in such awe from reading this right now that you might forget to hit the review button. Don't worry, it's perfectly normal. Just remember this: only true badasses review!