It was just another Monday morning.
Arthur was having a cool dream where he and Buster were racing each other in their own cool, custom made cars across the Shinjuku district in Tokyo.
Just as he was about to reach the finish line after crushing Busters car under a neon sign which he had knocked over, his alarm clock reached 7:00 and blared out an electronic beep that woke him up.
Aww, dang it!, groaned Arthur as he got up out of bed.
He then walked over to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, got in the shower, got out, dried off, got dressed, brushed his hair, and went down to the kitchen to pour himself a big hearty bowl of Corn Flakes with Shrek and Donkey on the box.
Just as he was finished, the bus had arrived.
During recess, Binky was showing the Tough Customers his new Nintendo Wii.
I went all the way to Crown City just to find one of these!, said Binky.
So?, said Rattles. Your stupid Wii is nothing compared to my new system!
He then opened up his backpack and pulled out his new black Xbox 360 Elite.
Arthur was playing Magic: The Gathering with Buster when he noticed Rattles cool system, and walked over to him.
Rattles then put his system back in his backpack and told Arthur You gotta pay me $50 to see my Xbox!
But Ill only charge you $5 to teach you how to masturbate.
Masturbate? said Arthur. Whats that?
Oh, you know!
He then taught Arthur what it was, how its done, all the slang terms for it, masturbatory aids, etc.
After he got home, he went to his room and did his homework. After he was done, he went to the kitchen to eat dinner, then went to his room, turned on his regular white Xbox 360 Core, and beat Buster on Halo 2 on Xbox Live.
After he was done, he went into the bathroom and was about to take a shower. Then he remembered his session with Rattles earlier and opened up the sink drawer. Inside was his Dads Playboy magazine. He then took it to the toilet seat, undid his pants, pumped some lotion in his left hand while holding the magazine in the right, and started whacking off. After he was done, he grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned himself up. He then proceeded to take the rest of his clothes off and entered the shower.
The next day at school, while Mr. Ratburn was writing the assignments on the board, he reminded everyone We are going to have the Elwood City Police Force come over on Thursday for their demonstration on catching criminals! He then handed everyone their assignments.
After Arthur was done, he had a sudden urge.
Mr. Ratburn?, said Arthur as he raised his hand, May I be excused to the bathroom please?
Mr. Ratburn gave him a hall pass, and Arthur dashed quickly to the bathroom.
He then went into the stall, and waited for everyone to leave the bathroom. After the bathroom was empty, he pulled his pants down and polished his sword.
Meanwhile, back in the classroom, Muffy suddenly had to go.
While she walked to the girls room, she heard a fap, fap, fap coming from the boys room. Rather than going in the boys room and finding something gross, she ignored it and proceeded to the girls room.
During lunchtime, after Arthur got his lunch, he sat down next to Buster.
Unfortunately, he happened to be next to the table where Muffy and Francine were sitting at.
Hey Francine, asked Muffy, what was that noise in the bathroom earlier?
Arthur suddenly perked up and eavesdropped on their conversation.
I dont know, said Francine. What was going on in there?
I know Arthur was in there at the time. What could he be doing in there?
Arthur became more nervous as his heart was beating faster and beads of sweat were dripping from his forehead.
Francine then explained to Muffy all about what boys like to do in the bathroom.
Arthur then knew from the very second that he was screwed.
While he was asleep, he was dreaming that the police officer was giving his demonstration.
After he was done with his demonstration, he told the class If you have any comments about any crimes that you may have witnessed, please tell me.
Fern raised her hand and said Yeah, I saw some mean guy at the zoo last weekend. First, he went to the primates and spanked the monkeys, then he went over to the big cats and tugged the tigers, and then he went to the farm section and jerked the turkeys, choked the chickens, and tied the rabbits to the flagpole!
Arthur became nervous because they were all slang terms for jacking off, which he certainly didnt want anybody finding out about.
Muffy then raised her hand and said Speaking of Ferns suggestive puns, Arthur was masturbating in the bathroom the other day!
Muffy! shouted Arthur.
The officer then pulled out his walkie-talkie and sent in the cops.
Several officers then stormed into Mr. Ratburns classroom and pointed their guns at Arthur.
Freeze, Mister, youre under arrest!
Any lewd or indecent act in a public place can result in imprisonment!
Youre going to the slammer, young man, and Im not talking about eating at Dennys, either!
He then spent the next few months in the jailhouse, where he was beaten up by the other prisoners, and castrated by a bunch of loony doctors.
After he was released, his troubles didnt end there.
Oh, you are in so much trouble Arthur that we are going to punish you SEVERELY!, his parents told him.
From now on, there will be no TV, no video games, no DVDs, no Internet, no iPod, no leaving the house except for school, no friends over, no recess, no chocolate milk, no hot showers, and no Corn Flakes for the next six months! And also, we are also taking away your Christmas, we are holding you back in the third grade, weve requested that Mr. Ratburn give you 10 times more homework, and you can never go to see Shrek 3, ever!
So for the next six months, Arthur couldnt watch any TV, he couldnt go on Xbox Live or to chat with Buster or invite him over, he couldnt listen to any iTunes on his iPod, he couldnt watch any DVDs, he couldnt go anywhere, he was forced to take cold showers morning and night, he had to eat scrambled eggs for breakfast, which he hated more than anything else, and he was missing Shrek 3, which was the big movie event of the summer, and then when he went back to school, all his friends were off to their first day of fourth grade talking about Shrek 3 while sporting all their Shrek 3 merchandise, including Shrek 3 T-shirts, Shrek 3 slippers, Shrek 3 backpacks, Shrek 3 lunchboxes, Shrek 3 school supplies, etc., while Arthur hadnt even seen Shrek 3 and had to start his first day of yet another year in Mr. Ratburns class, and plus he had ten times the work as the other kids, and at lunchtime, he had to get regular white milk, and he had to stay inside and do work while the other kids played, and at Christmas time, even though he was off restriction now, he didnt get anything, not even the Shrek 3 DVD, while everyone else got their copy, plus a new Nintendo Wii/Playstation 3/360 Elite. After New Years, his parents told him that they were going to put him in the nuthouse.
He then gasped after waking up from nightmares of being institutionalized.
The next day at school, Arthur started working on his math when Mr. Haney spoke over the intercom.
Arthur Read, please report to the office immediately!
To Be Continued