Of Dorks and Blockheads
by Sean Mahoney
The Great Ed!
"Step right up ladies and gentlemen! Be the first to get your fortune read by Eddwardo the Magnificent!", Eddy shouted to nobody in particular. Off to his side, sitting a table taken from the cafeteria sat Double D, dressed up in ridiculous old woman's clothing found in the back of one of the camp's storage sheds; in a feeble attempt to emulate the look of a psychic.
"This is utterly mortifying Eddy..." Double D whined to his friend. The three boys had set up this table and taken a large cardboard box from the storage shed in order to conceal Eddy's 'ace in the hole' for this scam.
"Eddy, can I come out of this box now!" Ed moaned from inside the box, "My armpits are really starting to cry and it makes a funny smell."
Eddy groaned, "Just shut up, we don't want anybody to hear you. You're supposed to be the spirit from the other side! We can't let you out until we get a pigeon!"
As if on cue, Johnny 2x4 walked up, grinning, "Get a load of this Plank, Double D is dressed like Grandma Elm!" Johnny listened intently to Plank and shook his head, "Double D! Plank says whatever you do behind closed doors is your business, but you shouldn't be dressing like this in public!"
Double D looked down at his feet in embarrassment. Annoyed, Eddy cleared his throat, signaling Double D to start his pitch. "Oh um...well I'm dressed like this Johnny because it allows me to channel those from the other side! I'm a spirit medium and a fortune teller now...apparently..." This will never work!
Johnny smiled, "Wow! A fortune teller! Awesome! What's that Plank?...oh yeah! Plank says we aren't falling for this dumb scam again!"
Double D rolled his eyes, "I told you this wasn't going to work. We tried this already, even the whole Ed as a spirit."
Ed burst out of the box, completely covered in flour, "WWWWWOOOOO JOHNNY! I AM THE GHOST OF FLAG DAY YET TO COME!"
Johnny put his ear to Plank once more and nodded, "Plank says you guys are really losing your touch!"
Steam began to burst out of Eddy's ears, "What does that stupid piece of wood know anyway! Get out of here you mooches!" Johnny rolled his eyes and walked off.
Ed waved goodbye, "Visit again!"
Eddy quickly grabbed Ed's collar, "See what you did lumpy?! You revealed yourself too quickly!"
Double D spoke up, "I told you this wouldn't work. Why in heaven's name did you think we should retry the exact scam we did a few weeks ago, on a lower budget no less!"
Eddy growled, "Oh put a lid on it, it's not over yet. See look, here comes another sucker."
Double D's heart began to pound intensely when he saw who was approaching, Lucy Van Pelt. "Eddy it's Lucy! You know this isn't going to end well!"
Lucy waltzed up to the table and smirked, "Well well, I would begin to tear apart what you guys are doing...but I really don't even know where to start! Double D's new choice in attire, Ed's fashion statement..."
Double D added, "You forgot the fact that nobody in this camp could possibly be stupid enough to believe that I have a psychic connection with the great beyond!"
Lucy sighed, "You're wrong about that. Notice anything odd about camp right now."
Ed smiled, "Oooh ooh I know! You're a girl and you've been talking to us for more than 2 minutes without either hitting us or running from us!"
Lucy smirked, "Almost."
Double D looked around, "Well...it is rather...vacant here..." beyond the Eds and Lucy, the campgrounds were bare.
Eddy screamed, "Yeah what gives!? Where is everybody?! How can I make any money when there's no demographic to 'appease'!"
Lucy sighed, "My lunatic of a little brother has been passing out fliers for a little 'sermon' he's giving today. I guess you guys were so busy with this ingenious plan of yours that you didn't notice."
Double D muttered, "Or what's more likely is that Linus didn't want the three of us anywhere near this event of his. Can't say I particularly blame him."
Lucy handed Eddy one the fliers, which he read hastily, "'Find Supreme Happiness?!' 'Those Insincere at Heart Need Not Attend'? What is this crap?!"
Ed smiled, "Ooooh! This reminds me of Borgart III: The Dark Summoning! Borgart's minions started up this group and they tried to convince the local people that Borgart would bring them supreme happiness and then they let them sacrifice all their virgins and summoned Borgart who ushered in a new age of darkness!" The other three stared at Ed awkwardly for a moment.
Double D piped in, "Well Ed may make a point...sort of, this sounds kind of like a cult."
Eddy yelled, "What?! Like that Tom Cruise guy does?! Those guys are rolling in cash! Damn it! I can't believe your wussy brother thought of that first Lucy! It's the ultimate scam!"
Lucy shook her head, "No it's not like that...unfortunately. Linus honestly believes all the stuff he is going on about. It's embarrassing. Nobody else does of course, they just like going because it gives them something to watch...kind of like a car accident."
Double D replied, "Oh my, that's horrible, going out of their way to laugh at poor Linus's delusions."
Eddy stretched his arms, "Well sounds like a plan for me. Not like we got anybody to rip off right now."
Before leaving to see Linus, Ed asked, "Hey guys, what's a virgin anyway?"
Eddy began to chuckle and Double D's face went red, "Well Ed...it's sort of like...well you see when a man and a woman...or rather before a man and a woman...um how do I..."
Lucy laughed, "Something all three of you charming individuals are going to be well acquainted with for the rest of your lives."
Sally Brown skipped happily to behind the cafeteria; Linus was leaning against the wooden wall, clutching his security blanket. "I told everybody in the camp except those annoying Eds! I think everybody is going to show up my Sweet Baboo!"
Linus flashed her a nervous smile, "Thanks a lot Sally! I must admit that I'm surprised that you'd be willing to help me spread the good word...after what happened a few Halloweens back."
Sally gushed at him, "Anything for you my Sweet Baboo!"
Linus rolled his eyes, "Right...". He took a deep breath and stretched his arms over his head, "I just hope these Peach Creek kids are more receptive to the Great Pumpkin than most people."
Sally smiled at him, "Well they do seem a good deal dumber than your average kid." Linus shook his head, but said nothing: he still felt guilty for what he put Sally through that one Halloween night.
"Well only one way to find out" Linus smiled at her, and began to walk to the front of the cafeteria, where most of the kids from camp were gathered. Sally certainly did a good job at rounding everybody up, he thought to himself. He saw that his friends from home had their normal expressions during this kind of event: Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty seemed to be embarrassed and straining to show him support, Violet and Patty were already snickering to each other, and Lucy with the three Eds in tow wore the smuggest looking face he had ever seen. Even Snoopy seemed to mock him, sitting in a folding car with a bag of popcorn. They are all lost causes, Linus reassured himself, the Great Pumpkin will never accept them after all their flagrant displays of disbelief. This informational seminar is for the others.
He knew the Cul-de-Sac denizens would be a difficult crowd however. Eddy seemed just as smug as Lucy and Double D was already eying Linus skeptically. Lucy must have already filled them in about what a "freak" he was. Ed seemed to be pretty excited, though Linus realized his acceptance would probably serve as a deterrent to the other kids in believing. Then again, it's sincerity that the Great Pumpkin desires...and if there is one thing to be said about Ed is that he is quite sincere. He knew Kevin would scoff at him no matter what, and while she would at least be polite about it, Nazz probably wouldn't be swayed either. As Kevin's crony, Linus figured Rolf wouldn't be receptive either. Johnny, Jimmy, and Sarah however may be hopefuls...though Sarah seemed to be as grumpy as Lucy on a really bad day.
After taking a deep breath, Linus began his sermon. He tried to cover the basics: who the Great Pumpkin was, the importance of sincerity and constant vigilance, and the great boons the Great Pumpkin would bestow upon those who believed in him. Linus tried to avert his gaze from those from his neighborhood; he was after all nothing but a target of mockery from his sister, Violet, and Patty. Despite her assistance in today's matter, he was sure not to look Sally in the eye either given the guilt he still felt over her disappointment from years past. Unfortunately for him, the kids from the Cul-de-Sac didn't seem to be taking him seriously either.
"A pumpkin that brings presents? That's weird even for me, Plank!" Johnny was the first respond.
"This is stupid!" Sarah yelled. She turned to Lucy, "Hey bigmouth, your brother is wasting all our time!"
Eddy however was having the time of his life, "This is rich!" He began to cheer, "More! More! I want to hear more about the Oh-so-Great-Pumpkin!" He and Ed began to laugh uproariously.
Even Double D was having difficulty containing himself, "Now guys...the message of sincerity is actually a good...hahaha, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But a pumpkin? Where did you come up with this Linus?"
"Hey Dork! I got your Great Pumpkin right here!" Linus turned only to be pelted in the face by a tomato!
"Good grief! That's just rude!" He looked down and saw the skin of the tomato had the face of a Jack-O-Lantern drawn on it in black marker. He glared at Kevin who was laughing, Violet and Patty were sniggering behind him. Those harpies must have told him ahead of time, he thought to himself.
Peppermint Patty growled to Charlie Brown, "This Kevin creep is at it again! This time I'm going to rip him apart! I'm so sick of this!"
"ENOUGH!" Everybody was taken aback by the roar of Rolf, who had been strangely silent in contemplation throughout Linus's speech. He made his way towards Linus and offered him his handkerchief to wipe his face off.
"You all disgust Rolf, making mockery of the things you know nothing about!"
"Woah dude, chill out", Kevin called out.
"Silence! Rolf cannot allow even you to make light of this dire situation! Rolf knows this Great Pumpkin well Too-Old-For-His-Blanket Linus Boy!"
Linus smiled, "Thank you Rolf. I hope you all can learn by Rolf's example here and offer a little bit of courtesy towards your fellow man by the way!", Linus admonished the crowd. He nodded, "The Great Pumpkin surely will look kindly on this Rolf! Why, perhaps I'll even have to visit your pumpkin patch this Halloween!"
Rolf closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, "You poor, poor, misguided soul." He turned his attention to the audience, none of which could quite make out what they were witnessing. "We should not view the Thumbsucker's claims as promises, but as warnings! The Great Pumpkin is a monster and should be destroyed on sight!"
"WHAT!?" Linus roared.
Eddy erupted in laughter and Lucy slapped her knee, "That's what I've been saying all these years, Rolfy-boy!"
Linus tapped Rolf on his shoulder, "What the heck do you think you are -"
Rolf shouted once more, "DO NOT INTERUPT ROLF!" He calmed down, "Listen well fools for what Rolf has to say may save all your pathetic souls from eternal damnation! The Great Pumpkin is an abomination not born of this world!"
Ed smiled, "Cool! We should summon it along with Evil Tim!"
Rolf's eyes darkened, "Not even my clam Bobo can shield us from this blight. The Great Pumpkin would appear in Rolf's home country once a year at the end of the harvest. Tradition dictates that we are to set aside a portion of our boon to appease the creature. Even still it always comes, decimating our livestock and leaving the remains strung about the village square." Linus's eyes widened in disgust. "As for the years we cannot appease the beast...it goes for our young!"
Linus could not stand any more, "Liar! You blasphemous liar! How dare you stand there and insult the Great Pumpkin like that? He's a benevolent soul who does nothing but sacrifice for the will of others; not because it's his job mind you, but because of a higher moral obligation!"
Rolf was incensed, "You presume to deny the atrocities that Rolf's family was forced to endure his entire childhood? You believe that Rolf could forget the things he has seen!?"
Linus's fists were shaking, "You can't forget something that never happened!"
Lucy was glowing, "I think I may have died and went to heaven!" In fact, the entire camp was thoroughly enjoying this. Linus's friends and regular critics were delighted to see that somebody had managed to out-crazy him and Ed was still going on about summoning the unholy demon from the dark abyss. The only people who didn't seem to be enjoying this thoroughly were Charlie Brown and Marcie, who were worried that Linus may have a nervous breakdown, Jimmy who was terrified at the possibility of such a monster, and Sarah who was annoyed at both Rolf and Linus for doing this to Jimmy.
Rolf commanded the group, "Linus's speech here was no coincidence! This is an omen of things to come! We must make all preparations so we are not befouled by the bestial gourd!"
The group began to disperse, Violet and Patty made sure to walk up to Rolf and plead for their safety, while sticking their tongue out at Linus.
"Guys please...don't listen to him! He must be talking about a different Pumpkin. Come on, what kind of Pumpkin would go around killing people?"
Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty, and Marcie approached him. Marcie sighed, "Well it's just as plausible as a pumpkin playing the role of Santa Claus".
Linus growled, "Do not even bring him into this."
Lucy walked over to Linus and put her arm around his shoulder, "Man oh man I wish I brought the video camera. I wish I could watch this moment over time after time."
It was at that point Linus uttered a few choice words to Lucy. One moment later Linus was on the ground with a black eye and Lucy sighed, "Mom and dad certainly wouldn't appreciate language like that used towards your dear sister."
Off in the distance the three Eds were still laughing. "I must admit Eddy, that was quite humorous. I do feel so guilty though. We shouldn't be laughing at the ignorance of others."
Ed, as if to punctuate, asked, "Come on guys, can we please summon the pumpkin! Maybe he'll give us presents after gorging upon the damned souls of those without toenails!"
Double D sighed, "Ed, you disturb me sometimes."
Eddy grinned, "I don't know Double D, mono-brow has a point. I think we need to summon the Great Pumpkin."
Violet thought that Rolf's declaration of the Great Pumpkin being a menace to society was funny at first. It was almost cathartic to see somebody get just as crazy as Linus over the whole thing. After all, years of the same brand of insane do get a little boring. Rolf was quickly proving himself to be worse than Linus.
Violet was excited at first when she saw Rolf approach her and Kevin in his sleeveless white shirt. He was certainly the most well toned guy at this camp. However she quickly took notice of the two pails he was carrying, each covered with a foul looking...and smelling...greenish brown substance.
Violet tensed up, "Rolf...what is that?!"
Rolf smiled, "Aha she-with-more-money than my home village, this is a special collection of fertilizers, manures, mud specimen, fungi, and a little bit of dust from that generous Swine-Pen fellow of yours."
Rolf, plugging his nose, replied, "Dude this is your vacation, stop worrying about farming."
"Oh this is not for farming Kevin, though I do admit I must invite Swine-Pen to the Cul-De-Sac to help around the farm, he'd be a great asset." Rolf contemplated to himself for a moment, "Ah! But I digress; you see, this concoction is meant to disguise scent!"
Violet, nearly gagging from the putrid smell nodded, "Well it certainly works. What scent are you trying to cover."
Rolf put the two buckets on the ground and smiled. He stuck his hands in one and began lathering the manure over his armpits. "Why ours of course. You city folk are so naive sometimes."
Violet threw up in her mouth.
Rolf continued, "When the bloodthirsty Great Pumpkin comes along if we bath in his stench he may pass us over. We will be less of a target to him. Come now, please partake in this. I have plenty made up, if we bathe ourselves twice a day we should be safe when that blanket wielding prophet of darkness summons his foul idol."
Violet grabbed Kevin and dragged him in front of her, "Kevin, keep him away from me!"
Kevin nodded, "Uh...none for us dude...we'll pass...".
Rolf stared at him for a moment and smiled, "Oh-ho! Rolf knows what is going on, Casanova Kevin Boy!"
Violet exchanged a confused glance with Kevin, "Cassanova...Kevin?"
Rolf grinned, "You wish to take on this foul beast on your own do you not? To prove yourself to our lovely friend here, no?"
Kevin scratched his head, "What are you..." Violet got what he was saying and jabbed Kevin with her elbow.
"Yes please Kevin! I know you can save me from the Linus and his Evil Pumpkin King!"
Kevin stared at her, baffled.
She rolled her eyes and whispered, "Play along you idiot...if I get any of that crap on me, you can kiss our...um well...kisses goodbye!"
Kevin nodded, "Oh I get it...yeah righteous!" He turned to Rolf, "Yeah dude, let me handle this myself. I want to go against this pumpkin of Linus's mono-a-mono."
Rolf glared for a moment, and then smiled, "Ah-ha! Rolf respects your wish then friend! After all, who is Rolf to get in the way of the making of a glorious legend?"
Rolf picked up one pail of fertilizer and moved Kevin out of the way, "Of course, we must play it safe with your fair damsel; we cannot risk her life."
Violet's eyes widened with fear, "No, no, Rolf! It's fine! Really! I want to be a hero too! Please!"
Rolf shook his head, "Rolf cannot allow the blood of innocents to be on his hands." He then hoisted the bucket over Violet's head and began to pour.
A few miles away from camp, a sleeping beagle was awakened from his afternoon slumber by a horrible, piercing, shriek.
Charlie Brown and Marcie did everything they could, but there was no calming Linus down, "This isn't fair! I spend years trying to convince everybody that the Great Pumpkin is real and in one moment that no good Rolf comes in and instantly convinces everyone he's a demon!"
Marcie put her arm on Linus's shoulder firmly and muttered, "Will you please just hold still Linus. You should be more concerned with keeping ice on that black eye Lucy gave you."
Linus grumbled, "I'm more than used to black eyes."
Charlie Brown thought awkwardly for a moment before offering, "I don't think anybody really believes that the Great Pumpkin is a demon. They're just humoring him."
Linus sighed, "Why can't people at least humor me?"
Marcie shrugged, "I don't know, maybe people are more intimidated by Rolf?"
Marcie smiled, "Yeah, when I first met him Thibault was bullying me. Rolf pulverized him. He's quite strong; handsome too in a rugged sense."
Linus gagged, "Oh good grief. Well now what am I going to do?"
Charlie Brown smiled, "Let it go?"
"Are you kidding me?! Should Hamlet have just 'let it go' when Claudius killed his father, Charlie Brown!?"
Charlie Brown shook his head, "I don't know."
Marcie muttered, "The way he handled it, he might as well have. All the good it did him."
Snoopy and Johnny were taking a stroll in the woods, as was habit by now. Snoopy was always treated as "one of the gang", but it was nice to have somebody besides Woodstock he could actually really talk to...even if Johnny was off his rocker.
Johnny of course was obsessed with the notion of the Great Pumpkin, "So what do you think Snoopy? Is the Great Pumpkin a force for good or a force for evil? Maybe it's neither, maybe it's a big nature spirit: uncaring about us?"
Snoopy shrugged, To be honest, there's a good chance I'm the Great Pumpkin. At least the one Linus is talking about. Snoppy thought back to the various Halloweens he happened to find himself in that pumpkin patch, each one running out of there as to not dash Linus's dreams.
Johnny stopped short, "WHOA?! Far out!"
Woodstock rolled his eyes and chirped, IIII III IIIIIII III II III IIII...
Snoopy couldn't help but agree, this kid was out there.
Johnny starting going on about a mile a minute about his theories for the Great Pumpkin. Snoopy whispered to his friend, This guy would be a good match for Frieda.
Woodstock didn't have time to reply; two lights, bright as the sun, instantly turned out. The poor bird was temporarily blinded and fell to the ground from atop his canine companion's head.
"Ack! What's that?!" Johnny yelped. Snoopy tried to make out what the source of that light was. He thought he could hear some voices whispering. The two lights seemed to be triangular. A third dimmer light was shining on the ground; it looked like a semi-circle with jagged spikes...almost like a mouth. This seems almost like a...a...jack-o-"
"PLANK SAYS IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN!" Johnny bellowed.
There was a screech and then a loud booming voice declared, "THAT IS CORRECT! BEHOLD MORTALS I AM THE GREAT PUMPKIN AND I HAVE SPRUNG FROM THE DAMNED DEPTHS OF HADES TO PASS JUDGEMENT ON YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL SOULS!"
Snoopy felt his heart race; he also felt Johnny grab on to him and squeeze, "Oh god, oh god! We're going to die guys!"
Snoopy heard some infernal noise, like whispering, coming from that direction. Obviously the creature was speaking in some fell tounge he had never heard of. It almost seemed like two separate voices speaking at once. It sounded almost like speech, but he couldn't make it out. Finally the voice bellowed once more "...oh yeah! GATHER THE SHEEP OF THIS HERE CAMP AND BRING THEM TOGETHER! I SHALL DECIDE WHO IS WORTHY TO CONTINUE THEIR EXISTENCES ON THIS MORTAL COIL! DO THIS AND YOU SHALL BE SPARED!"
There was no need telling our heroes twice: the boy, beagle, bird...and inanimate piece of wood all bolted away from the hellish creature.
When he heard the news from Johnny and Snoopy, Rolf was very quick to act. He them to gather all the campers together and began preparations.
Charlie Brown made his way to the center of camp at around dusk, as he was instructed to do so. Charlie Brown wasn't sure how he managed it, but Rolf had managed to procure some torches that he placed in a circle. Rolf donned himself in a brown hooded cloak and had orange and black markings painted on his face. He carried what looked like a tree branch that was hastily whittled into a staff, with a small Jack-O-Lantern serving as the head.
Charlie Brown glanced around the area. Not to far away from Rolf's circle of torches was a small fire pit that Kevin parked a lawn chair next to. He was busy preparing a popcorn bag. He had an eager look on his face. Sitting on the logs surrounding the pit were Violet and Patty, who were sniggering, and Nazz who just looked bored. Marcie was also sitting near the fire, using it's fire as a light source for whatever book she was buried in.
Snoopy and Johnny were standing as close to Rolf as possible. They had looks of pure terror on them; there seemed liked they would hang on to Rolf's every word. Schroeder and Pig-Pen were chatting near a tree, mostly uninterested with what was going on. He saw his sister standing off to the side with Sarah and Jimmy; both girls were trying to calm down the trembling boy. Way off to the side he even noticed Thibault sulking and muttering to himself.
Not too far from Rolf he saw Lucy and Peppermint Patty talking. Lucy had a smug look on her face (which is always preferable to her other moods) and Peppermint Patty just looked confused. Linus was not around; Charlie Brown figured he was too incensed to show up. He also noticed that the Eds were absent.
Charlie Brown stole a look at Rolf's face. He looked impatient, anxious, and possibly terrified. That's what my face must look like everyday at lunch in school, Charlie Brown thought to himself, thinking for a moment of a certain redhead.
Rolf quickly glanced at the setting sun, took a deep breath, and announced, "Fellow Mortals, I bring you ill tidings! Doom is approaching!" Chuckles murmured in the audience. Rolf motioned Johnny and Snoopy forward, Charlie Brown noticed Woodstock sitting on top Snoopy's head, trembling. "These two poor souls saw the foul beast that plagues this fell wood! I speak no other than the Great Pumpkin!"
"It's true! Plank and I saw him! Plank said he made eye contact! It saw into his soul!"
Snoopy shook his head violently in agreement, disorienting the already flustered Woodstock.
"Yes friends! Gather in fear for we have no hope! All we can do is appease the beast's demands!"
A shrill voice yelled, "This is stupid!"
A much higher pitch voice whined, "Don't say that Sarah, you might upset him!"
Charlie Brown heard his sister yelled, "Oh this is ridiculous! We all know it's you again Snoopy, you're always posing as that stupid pumpkin! Fess up!" Snoopy glared a Sally with a look that yelled It's not me this time, I swear!
"Enough is enough of this farce!" an indignant voice shouted. Linus marched through the group of campers, blanket in hand, with a purpose. He stopped right in front of Rolf and glared at him.
Charlie Brown heard Kevin and his entourage giggle, on the other side Lucy was clasping her hands in excitement. It seemed that most people here came for the show. He heard Violet ask, "Who do you think is going to out-crazy who?"
Linus and Rolf began shouting at each other. Rolf was blasphemous, Linus was a naïve fool, Rolf paid off Snoopy and Johnny, Linus had a secret xenophobic agenda. The Great Pumpkin was a savior, the Great Pumpkin was a demon. And as they went at it the laughter in the audience grew louder and louder.
Charlie Brown was beginning to zone out when he felt somebody punch his elbow. It was Sarah. Charlie Brown began to sweat. He hadn't dealt with Sarah much here, but her reputation proceeded her. While she was no Kanker, she certainly was up there with Lucy. Certainly more outright violent at least.
"That moron is your best friend right?" The red haired girl asked, cocking her head at Linus. Charlie Brown nodded. "And Sally is your sister?" Charlie Brown affirmed that question. He then felt a quick kick to his shin.
"What is wrong with you?! Letting your sister chase some nut like that? You're her brother, you're supposed to protect her from crazies like him!"
"Good grief... that's hardly my busine-" Charlie Brown couldn't finish that thought though; three bright lights nearly blinded everyone in the camp.
"What...the...heck..." Sarah moaned, rubbing her eyes. Eventually the lights narrowed as whatever was behind them approached.
"IT COMES! IT IS HERE!" Rolf shouted.
A loud, piercing, screech, filled the air, followed by a deep bellowing voice, "THE GREAT PUMPKIN IS HERE MORTALS! TREMBLE IN FEAR!"
The figure in question certainly looked like a giant pumpkin. At this point the bright lights disappeared. With the sun fully down, the only source of light was the red from Rolf's torches. Not enough to make out the figure.
The rest of the camp watched silently in fear. Rolf brought himself to his knees, "OH MIGHTY PUMPKIN! WE ARE YOUR HUMBLE SERVENTS! PLEASE SPARE US! PLEASE!"
Linus stood there in shock, just staring. He didn't say anything, he just stood there with a blank expression on his face, staring at the Pumpkin like figure.
Charlie Brown noticed Marcie stand up calmly and walk away from the scene. She muttered to him as she passed by, "I'm out of here Charles. If I'm associated with something this inane, I'll never get into an Ivy League School."
Charlie Brown was about to ask what she meant by inane when he was interrupted by the beast, "I DEMAND SACRIFICE!" There was another ear piercing shriek.
This time the crowd wasn't so silent. Sally pointed her finger at Linus, "I can't believe you! You tried to convince to meet this thing! This demon?! How could you!"
Linus was knocked out of his stupor, "No, no! This isn't it, it can't be! Can't be!"
Peppermint Patty was also shouting at him, "Yeah! You convinced me to do this by myself once! What if he really showed up Linus! Maybe you wanted him to! Maybe you've been tricking us this whole time!"
Linus's eyes were watering up, "No! No! No! Please, please! The Great Pumpkin is a force for good, I swear Patty. Please...you got to listen to me..." His voice trailed off as the blinding light from the pumpkins two triangle eyes came through. Linus began sobbing. "I'm sorry everyone...I didn't know...I didn't know..."
Violet shouted, "Good grief Kevin, do something!"
Kevin shouted back, "What the heck am I supposed to do!"
The voice shouted again, this time higher pitched...and kind of weaselly, "WHO IS THIS CRETIN!"
Rolf was quick to answer, "He has denied you this whole time! He has denied your true nature!"
"REMOVE HIM FROM MY PRESENCE!" Snoopy and Johnny rushed over and grabbed Linus by the arms. He put up no resistance, he just stared at the ground. They dropped him off by Kevin who was being pestered by the girls.
"For God's sake do something Kevin! You're the strongest here!" Patty yelled.
The Pumpkin, and Charlie Brown could definitely make out that it was a giant Pumpkin at this point, responded directly to Patty, "THERE IS NO GOD BUT THE GREAT PUMPKIN!" It responded in it's deeper voice.
Rolf bowed to it, "Oh Great Pumpkin, what are your wishes! What do you wish!"
"THE GREAT PUMPKIN DEMANDS SACRIFICE!"
Johnny and Snoopy looked around quickly and apprehended the first girl they saw, Peppermint Patty. They dragged the girl against her will. Charlie Brown quickly jerked to his attention and began to make a break to her defense, but was stopped by Sarah.
"What are you doing, idiot?"
"Helping my friend!"
Charlie Brown expected her to tell him to worry about himself, that she wasn't worth saying. He didn't care, he wouldn't let anyone hurt her. However what she did say was enough to stop him in his tracks. "Oh lord, she's not in any danger. Take a good look at the stupid thing."
Charlie Brown stared at it. The first thing he noticed was that it wasn't fully orange. There were a lot of white spots...almost like paper mache. There were also wheels on the the bottom...in fact the paper mache was situated on top a small wooden cart. Even more glaringly obvious were the two junk speakers sticking out of the back...and the stage lights sticking out of the eye sockets. Finally...there were the wires...a bunch of wires sticking sloppily out the back attached to an extension cord that lead into a nearby shed.
Charlie Brown sighed, "Wow...just wow..."
Sarah nodded, "Yeah, it looks like everybody at this camp is mentally disabled."
"LET GO OF ME!" Charlie Brown was startled at the sound of Peppermint Patty's yell.
Rolf laughed nervously, "I know she isn't the prettiest sacrifice oh great one! But I can assure you that she's as virgin as my cousin Gretchen the One-Eyed Hunchback!"
Patty screamed, "I'll kill you, you blue haired bast-"
The higher pitched voice screamed, "NOT THAT YOU IDIOTS!"
Charlie Brown whispered to Sarah, "Who would do this though..."
Sarah sighed, "For Pete's sake, who do you think!?"
The Great Pumpkin bellowed, "I WANT ALL OF YOUR WORDLY POSSESIONS! IF YOU WANT YOUR SOULS STAYING IN YOUR BODY I'LL TAKE ALL YOUR CASH! CHECKS AND MONEY ORDERS ARE ACCEPTABLE! NO CREDIT!"
Charlie Brown moaned, "Oh good grief." He looked at Sarah, "Really?"
She nodded, "Now do you see why we're constantly kicking their butts?"
Charlie Brown stared at everybody rushing to give their money to the "Great Pumpkin". He heard Linus wail, "NO! The Great Pumpkin is a giver! Not a taker! A giver! A GIVER!"
Charlie Brown muttered, "Should we do something." He saw as his friends dropped all their cash in front of the pathetic imitation. Even Lucy, her head down, emptied her wallet.
Sarah sighed, "They really do kind of deserve it...for being this stupid...but Jimmy's dad will flip on him if he loses all the money he gave him so..."
Sarah walked casually away from Charlie Brown. She took one more look at the panic that was occurring around her. She waited until the Great Pumpkin spoke once more, "YES! YES! LEAVE IT ALL! YOU HAVE BOUGHT YOURSELVES A WE-" Sarah decided that was the moment to end it. She unplugged the extension chord all the wires were attached to from the surge protector and once last shriek from the speak system let out, before the rest of the camp heard the very distinct voice of Eddy finish, "ek before I return... What the heck, Double D!? Why isn't this working?"
"It looks like the light's have been killed too...perhaps we blew that shack's circuit?"
"FOOLS! TREMBLE BEFORE ME!" The voice of Ed shouted, trying to sound scary.
Sarah smirked at all the campers staring at her, and then ripped into the paper mache feriously.
Charlie Brown heard Violet tell Patty, "Put her on the list of people not to piss off!"
The camp then heard the sounds of a violent, brutal beat down, and soon enough the battered bodies of Ed, Edd, and Eddy were ejected from the fake pumpkin. Double D sighed, "I knew this was a bad idea."
Sarah pat him on his hat, "Oh don't worry, I went easy on you boyfriend!"
Eddy growled "Get out of here Sarah!"
Sarah grinned, "Sure thing Eddy, besides, I think everybody else would like a word with you!"
She skipped away and stood next to Charlie Brown.
"You're a scary girl." Sarah just smiled innocently at Charlie Brown.
Ed stood up and yelled at the camp, "FOOLS! I HAVE JUST TAKEN ANOTHER FORM, SOON YOU WILL KNOW-"
"Oh enough's enough!" Kevin interrupted. He approached the pile of money. "It's time for you guys to return all that money."
Eddy began cursing. Kevin smirked, "Oh don't worry you can keep mine."
Eddy's eyes lit up, "Really?"
Kevin laughed, "Yeah! I got to hand it to you dorks. You had me going there. That was hilarious though. Just watching Rolf and that other nut go at it was worth every penny...Which would be about fifteen of them that I left for you. Don't spend it all in one place."
Violet shouted, "Oh you cheap, cowardly, no good...!"
Kevin ignored that and sneered at the Eds, "Besides once everyone gets their money back, my boy Rolf is going to have a little word with you!" Kevin walked away laughing. His victorious moment didn't last long though as both Patty and Violet had a lot to say to him. Charlie Brown noticed a slightly satisfied look on Nazz's face.
After getting her money back, and stone faced Peppermint Patty stormed past Charlie Brown.
"Hey, you alright..."
"DON'T TALK TO ME CHUCK!"
Charlie Brown was taken aback, "W-wha?"
"When they were going to sacrifice me you just stood there!"
Charlie Brown began stammering, but was cut off by Sarah, "Oh jeez, you were in no danger! Charlie Brown here was the only other person here who came close to figuring that out on his own! You morons deserved to be sacrificed for falling for the Ed's nonsense." She sighed, "The people from my block even more so...they should really know better by now!"
Lucy walked quickly past the group and didn't make eye contact. It was a rare sight to see her so embarrassed.
Peppermint Patty continued, "WELL YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE WHOLE VIRGIN THING!"
Charlie Brown moaned, "Well good grief! How old are we, we should all be virgins!"
Patty muttered, "Yeah...true...except maybe Violet and Patty...but what about the One Eyed Hunchback remark!?"
Charlie Brown just sighed and decided to give up. He looked over at the Eds. The last of the campers retrieved their cash. Rolf was approaching.
Eddy winched in anticipation as Rolf approached, he was pounding one fist into the other.
Double D sighed, "Our judgment day has come gentlemen. It has been a pleasure."
Rolf was seething, "YOU ED BOYS?! You have finally crossed the line! You mock my culture! You take advantage of all of us! YOU EXPLOI-" Something jerked Rolf's feet from under him; he hit the ground like a sack of bricks.
It was Linus, clutching his security blanket. "You can make fun of me." He said calmly. "You can doubt the Great Pumpkin." He said louder. "BUT YOU DO NOT IMPERSONATE THE GREAT PUMPKIN!"
The rest of the camp watched in horror as Linus beat the Ed boys to a bloody pulp.
Lucy whispered in horror, "I didn't know you could do that with a blanket!"
Linus was relentless, brutal, and bloodthirsty.
The Eds shrieked in pain. It wasn't until Sally Brown yelled, "Linus! Stop this! Stop! The Great Pumpkin wouldn't want this!" That the small boy finally came to his senses. Sally began leading him away from the Eds, who were curling in fetal positions. He took one last look back at them and sneered, "Don't mess with the Great Pumpkin."
He saw Rolf starting to get up and helped him to his feet. He sighed, "Look Rolf, I know we don't agree on the Great Pumpkin...I'm sorry..."
Rolf smiled, "Do you jest! You have nothing to apologize for! Rolf has never seen one so skilled with such an exotic weapon! Who would have thought of the deadly prowess of the cloth of the sheep! You must show me!"
Linus smiled, "Sure thing Rolf, sure thing."
The Ed's meanwhile stirred. Ed laughed, "Well I say, that sure was fun! Let's do it again."
Eddy moaned, "Shut up Ed!"
"Guys I can be the Great Pumpkin for Halloween! Maybe I can go to pumpkin patches a deliver jawbreakers to all the..."
Double D sighed, "Please not now, I think I've broken bones that haven't existed in the human body for thousands of years."
Charlie Brown took one last glance at the Ed's. Sarah sighed, "Well as much a waste of time as this was, this was kind of fun. Catch you later Charlie Brown!"
Charlie Brown bid her goodbye and began to walk off. His conscious got the best of him. He sighed, they really don't deserve this... but he walked over to the three Eds and asked, "You guys need help?"
Next: They Came from Lemon Brook
A/N: Hey guys, I know I barely ever update. Most of the remaining chapters are story driven, to move the plot to it's conclusion. I'd like to try and update a little bit more though, so I've decided I'd take suggestions for some short little one shot vignettes. Just name two characters you'd like to see interacting and I'll try and make a short little story about it. Once I make a few of those I'll upload it as a filler chapter.