Sequel to "Why". I own nothing but my thoughts and feelings.
I'm still living. Still breathing. But existing in my own little world now. I'm on anti depressants, anti anxiety medication, and an anti psychotic.
"Zoloft, Xanax, and Lithium." I blurt out to the cold air breezing through my hair as I drive slowly and cautiously down the main road beside my apartment complex.
It's nice outside, and I don't know why I didn't just walk. I got out of bed for the first time in weeks today, took my medicine, got in the shower. I made an effort to put on makeup and semi dress up, so that when I get in the car and look in the mirror I won't be disappointed with myself any more than usual. The cemetery was just down the street from my apartment, only a block and a half from Sam's. Well, where Sam used to live. I figured dressing up and going to see her was about the best I could do for myself and for her right now.
So I guess I really wasn't living anymore.
I was just existing.
Before too long I found myself abusing my anti anxiety medication just to get high. My psychiatrist would never find out and neither would Spencer, so I didn't care. Naturally, I didn't care because I was high. I was high a lot, though. And the high doses of the anti psychotic they had me on kept me in a catatonic-like state most of the time.
I let another sentence drabble about my lips, speaking only to the car stereo that my phone is currently plugged into.
"This song is good."
Saxon by Chase and Status is playing right now.
My hand finds it way to the phone to find a song to play next. I look at and feel the many cuts and scars on my arm, every one a constant reminder that she's gone and I'm alone. Alone. It even says so on my right arm. I pop another three of my Xanax to erase the memories and chase it with flat, watered down Peppy Cola that's been in my car since I left this morning. Settling down in my car seat, safely in the parking garage of my apartment complex; this is what I do now. I get high and forget.
This is short, an intro of sorts, just to let you guys see how Carly's holding up. Here's hoping I'll throw out another chapter or two while bored at my new job!