Title: The Philosopher
Author: ad_idem (Right)
Characters: America, England
Rating: PG
Warnings: Philosophical crack
Summary: England is baffled, nay offended, to learn that there's a possibility that America is using his brain for something.

This crack fic was written by me (Right). Hopefully Left will forgive me for abusing our joint account so much!

To call the meeting frightfully dull would have been handing it a much undeserved compliment.

For what must have been the third time that meeting, England's eyes fluttered open and he caught his breath in his throat. It was the least he could do to stiffen the shocked gasp he nearly gave.

Satisfied with his abilities at fooling his fellow nations yet again, Old Britain looked about with half-lidded eyes, pretending to be utterly uninterested in … whatever the topic had been they were discussing. In truth he was seeking something to take his mind off his guilt.

It did not take long for him to find it.

He sneered slightly at the younger nation at the desk in front of him.

America. Snoring so loudly that England was beginning to believe that it had been him that had woke the elder from his snoozing.

And to think, this lack-manner nation had once been under his own tutelage! He knew he had taught him better, the wanker!

Resolving to make up for coddling done in the past, England leaned forward and flicked his former ward's ear. It certainly woke the younger nation up with a start as he released a loud, encompassing wail as he did so.

Suddenly every nation at the World Conference was staring at the two of them and, in turn, they were suddenly staring at each other.

America growled and rubbed his tender ear with a newfound gentleness. Somehow, England mused, that made the entire situation worthwhile.

"What the hell, England?" the younger snarled. "I was just thinking of DesCartes."

"You were sleeping and—"

England suddenly paused and blinked. He looked over America skeptically before frowning. Something was amiss. America had been thinking? About DesCartes? … He could properly annunciate in French?

"About what?" the unbelieving elder nation questioned.

This caused the American to snort. "DesCartes. Heard of him, right?"

Well, that just brought a new shade of red to England's face. How dare he?

Judging by America's expression, rather easily actually.

"I know who the bloody frog is," he snapped quickly, not sure how he was going to save face as all the other nations seemingly dropped whatever they were doing to watch their spat. "I just don't understand what it has to do with you or how you – who can't even read a map, mind you – know who he is."

America rolled his blue eyes all the way to the back of his head and back again. "Please, England. I'm a Philosophy Major."

The older nation stared.


"Philosophy, DesCartes happens to be pretty popular in it," the brash young man continued. "I was just thinking of what a paradox it is for us to assume our immortality when, really, do we nations even know what infinity is."

His head was spinning. What? Just, what?

These words, these phrases … England had to, for the sake of his own sanity, for the sake of how he knew the world to work, prove that these were not coming from America's mouth. He had to be able to one up the man. He had to find out who the bloody hell was feeding the boy these lines to aid in this prank on poor, Old England.

"Where did you read this from? And what does it have to do with anything?"

"I read about DesCartes' theories, England, but they weren't exactly talking about us specifically. Duh," America responded. "I was just thinking about how they could involve us."

"I refuse to believe that you were thinking this up on your own, America," the elder hissed.

"Well, that really doesn't matter, does it?" America yelled emphatically. "I can't prove you or anyone else exists, but I know I'm thinking. And so, I think therefore I am!"

It was a revelation near cosmic levels, and the volume at which America announced it with surely made it seem astronomical.

If only his cheek would stop twitching.

Angrily, he swatted the prodding finger away, and England rose his head from the desk.

"Ha ha~, England, Bro, you were like, totally asleep through the whole thing!"

England stared at the young, obnoxious nation and glared at him. All a dream? All the other nations were leaving the conference room? Really?

"You still prattling on about DesCartes?" England demanded, almost angrily.

This caused a clueless look to reach America's face. "What? No?"

England released a breath he was not aware he had been holding.

Just a dream. Just a dream.

"I'm a Locke fan," America clarified.

England felt like he needed a beer.

I …don't really have an explanation outside of "I really need to stop writing down ideas for stories while I'm in Philosophy."

*Rene DesCartes – the father of modern philosophy and usually considered the first mind of Western culture. Also very French. He thought of everything, invented everything, and basically put into existence everything before you could. If you really are curious about him just go to Three Minute Philosophy and click on his episode. Literally, that's all you need to know.
*"I Think Therefore I Am" – also known as Cogito ergo sum. If you believe that you're a brain in a jar, trapped in a never ending loop of an Evil Scientist feeding false messages to your brain, this phrase is supposed to make you feel better. (I shit you not. I cannot make this up.)
*John Locke – a philosopher and revolutionary theory from the other side of the court. He opposed a lot of DesCartes' principles with his own philosophical bullshit, but really it was David Humes who took it and ran to try to make a stain on DesCartes' grave. Why should Locke be remembered? Well, if you're American, you kind of owe him for your nation's freedom.

This was all done with philosophical humor and simple jesting. Don't be offended or anything. If you didn't think it was that funny, well … it wasn't. If you got the jokes you took Introduction to Philosophy not too long ago like me.

Please tell me what you think!