Warning: Read at your own risk! This story is rated M and for good reason. The prologue alone is going to be hard for some to handle. If you're uncomfortable with language, drug use, and borderline non-consensual sex, I wouldn't recommend this story.

I don't own the characters. I'm just a poor college student borrowing them from someone else.


Flashback: June 5, 2003

"Make mistakes."

I wasn't really listening as Jessica Stanley gave her speech as the valedictorian of our 2003 graduating class, but I didn't need to hear much to know that she was giving us terrible advice.

Make mistakes?

After 12 years of tests, report cards, and the occasional after school detention, our final piece of advice before entering the real world was to make mistakes?

If she could become valedictorian, what did that say about the rest of us?

I actually blamed my lab partner for her mediocre farewell address. A twelve minute argument between prophase and metaphase kept me from being up on that makeshift stage. I finally caved to Edward's reasoning, even if it was a mistake. I had been right; the slide was prophase.


In the long run, it hadn't mattered. I did well enough on my SAT to be offered a full ride to UCLA, but it still bugged me that a percentage of a point had kept me from getting an A in Honors Biology. That same percentage kept me from a perfect GPA and put me behind Jessica Stanley in the running for the top of the class. I knew I was right. I never should have let Edward convince me otherwise. He had this power over me; over all women, really. With one flash of his Crest smile and a look into his emerald green eyes, I could, and obviously had been convinced to do anything.

My son has those eyes.

Make mistakes.

Oh, how I had made mistakes...

I was a good kid. I didn't smoke, rarely drank and never did drugs. It wasn't my choice, really. My dad was the police chief. Anything I did... anywhere I went eventually got back to him. I don't know what possessed me to go to the party that night; the one at the beach in La Push. I had given up trying to figure it out. I've always tried to convince myself that maybe Jessica was right. Was I meant to make the biggest mistake of my life?

It's not like it had really been up to me anyway.

Alice wasn't with me that night. It was weird, because she always was and still is. My best friend hadn't gone off to college like everyone else. Neither had I. We stayed in Forks, Alice maintaining her job at the diner while I starved myself at Newton's Sporting Goods. She was always there whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, a shower, or even just a nap. We took the same courses online; earning the same Liberal Arts degree. She used hers to secure a job in human resources at the hospital, while I eventually got hired on by the local newspaper.

Forks, as a general rule, had a drinking problem. It still does. It wasn't like there was anything better to do. The only difference on the night of our graduation had been the fact that I actually choose to partake.

I hated the taste of alcohol.

I remember how I was attempting to do shots of Tequila with Angela Weber when my lab partner approached the van we were lounging in. The van belonged to Tyler Crowley and as much as I had hoped Edward was there to see me, I knew better.

I don't think he even noticed me as he disappeared into the distance with Tyler. It wasn't like he had a reason to, or so I told myself. We were friends by default. Lab partners. And while it was true that I had been crushing on Edward since I moved here two years ago, I knew better than to think I would ever have a real chance.

Edward wasn't the best kid, but I knew, or at least at that point, I thought I knew, he had a good heart. Maybe the bad boy persona was what had attracted me to Edward in the first place. He was just the kind of guy my father would hate. And Charlie does hate Edward. He has made that clear to me on multiple occasions. I didn't tend to be overly rebellious, but I couldn't deny my obvious attraction to him.

But the reality is, I wasn't and I'm still not Edward's type.

By the time he had returned with Tyler a few minutes later, another girl we graduated with had already began to make her move on Edward. Edward maintained a single status all throughout high school, but it wasn't for lack of interest. Girls, Lauren included, loved Edward. What wasn't to love? I honestly had no idea why he stayed single so long.

In hindsight, maybe he was just holding out for her.

Lauren handed Edward a mostly full bottle of Jack. He put his arm around her as he took a swig after swig of the whiskey. While he was busy plastering himself, she exchanged a glance with me as if to stake her claim on him.

Was my stupid crush that obvious?

When he finally lowered the bottle, I heard him gasp. "Bella, what the hell are you doing here?"

It figured. Who wanted to party with the police chief's daughter, anyway? Surely, it couldn't end well for any of us.

"Angela invited me and it's graduation so... I just wanted to have a good time." I tried to explain, but I had little tolerance for alcohol and it was already making me feel a little off. Besides, Edward's tone made me nervous.

Lauren stood shocked as Edward removed his arm from her and made his way over to me.

"I should take you home," He whispered into my ear, "You don't belong here."

"Whatever, Edward. I don't belong here? Why? Is it because I'm the police chief's daughter?"

"No. Bella, please don't get the wrong idea," he began to whisper again, "Can you, maybe, come talk to me in private? I really don't want us to have an audience."

"Fine." I reluctantly agreed, I have no idea why, almost stumbling out of the van. Angela started laughing and said something along the lines of "Tequila will do that to you!" Edward grabbed me by the arm and we both maintained our silence until we reached his Volvo. We were far enough away from everyone that we wouldn't be heard, but he apparently still didn't take any chances.

"Get in." he demanded, opening the passenger side door.

I did as I was told.

"Bella, you don't belong here because it's not safe. Any one of those guys could really fuck you up tonight! Trust me. I'm taking you home."

"Seriously, Edward? You're afraid these guys are going to mess me up, but you're willing to drive me home after you've been drinking? Where's the logic behind that?"

"How did you intend on getting home otherwise?"

"I didn't."

"So you'd rather wake up on the beach next to Tyler or Mike? Come on, Bella, please tell me no."

"God, no! But I can't exactly go home, can I?"

He looked at me. I realized that I was stuck. I didn't have many options. If I went home, especially this early, Charlie would figure out what I had been up to. He thought I was staying over at Angela's. I knew Edward was right, though. I had no idea what a bunch of over hormonal, intoxicated teenage boys were capable of.

"Bella," he hesitated, "If you can't go home... Maybe you can stay at my house? You'll at least be safe there."

I believed him. How stupid was I to think that Edward was any different than Tyler Crowley or Mike Newton? If I knew then what I knew now, I would have ran as far away as possible. Far from the beach, and even further away from Edward Cullen.

If I hadn't seen it for myself, I would have never known Edward was driving buzzed. His driving was flawless as he made his way home. His house wasn't nearly as far away as mine and it was easy for Edward and I to make it up to his bedroom on the third floor without being seen. He told me his older brother was out on a date with Rosalie Hale and his parents were, as he put it, early risers. We didn't even need to stay in his room if we didn't want to. So why did we?

He had given me such a false sense of security, I just hadn't realized it yet.

I was reeling from the effects of my buzz as I laid back onto his bed. I had been in Edward's room a few times before. Out of everyone in Forks, Edward had the best taste in music. We used to study up here a lot, or at least attempt to before getting distracted by less lucrative conversations.

He continued to ramble on about how I was "too good" to be at the beach as he opened the top drawer of his dresser and threw a tiny bag from his pocket into it.

"What was that?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.

He paused. I could tell he was debating with himself over whether or not to be honest, "Bella, if I tell you, you're going to get the wrong idea."

"Edward, seriously? Don't you trust me?"

"I do, its just that.." he trailed off, probably hoping I would let it go.

I continued to stare, waiting for my answer.

"It's Adderall," he confessed, shame clear on his face.

I was sure the look on my face had been priceless. I knew Edward drank. He made no secret of it. I also knew he smoked cigarettes. I smelled them on him everyday after lunch. But the fact that Edward was popping pills that obviously weren't prescribed to him caught me off guard. Was it just Adderall? Or was there more?

"You won't tell your dad, right? I've only done it a few times," he spoke so softly I could barely hear him.

"Edward, I'm not going to tell Charlie. I don't even know why I have to tell you this, but you shouldn't do drugs. They're not worth it."

Why would he even bother? Edward didn't need drugs. He had a good life; a stable home, money, plenty of interest from girls... It didn't make sense.

"I know. I keep telling myself, this is the last time."

"Is it just that? Or is there more?"

"I smoke weed with Jasper sometimes. I'm going to college in Seattle next fall. My dad really wants me to be a doctor, you know? So I've been using it to study. It's a lot of pressure and I know this shit isn't going to fly when I get into college... But I just wanted to do it one last time. A graduation present to myself," He justified, but the look on his face told me he knew I didn't believe him, "I just like the way it makes me feel, you know?"

"Not really. I mean, I've never done anything like that so I wouldn't know."

Edward's face suddenly went very serious, "Do you want to?"

"No," I answered without even thinking about it, "Do you promise nothing will happen to me?"

"He only sold me 10. I already took most of them but I think the four I have left should do it for you, especially since you've never done it before. Just chew them up." Edward instructed, before walking over from the dresser and handing the pills to me.

I eyed them in my hand before clutching them tightly. Did I really want to do this? Before tonight, I had always considered myself a straight edge kid. I kept telling myself that it was only one time. If I didn't like this, I never had to do it again. And if I did... Well, at that point, I didn't know it, but I would have another reason why I couldn't do it.

"Edward, can you put the new AFI CD in?" I asked, hoping he would turn his back to me long enough to pretend to take the pills. I stuffed them into my jeans pocket and pretended to chew.

It worked. Edward grabbed the almost empty bottle of Jack he had taken from Lauren and made his way back over to the bed. I took it out of his hand and pretended to wash them down. I drank far more than what was necessary, setting the bottle onto the floor and laying back down.

"What now?" I asked, staring at the ceiling.

Edward sat next to me, "You just wait for the effects to kick in. It shouldn't take long."

"So... Are you ready for college? Excited?"

"Not really," he confessed, "Actually, I'm really fucking dreading it. A lot."

"Why?" I asked.

Edward laid down and turned onto his side. He wavered for a moment, as if trying to articulate the words in his head, "Bella, I have a confession to make."

Oh, great, I thought. This is when he tells me that it wasn't Adderall. He probably thinks he just gave me a hardcore drug, and I have very little idea of how Adderall even effects the body, much less anything else. He'll see right through my lies, and he'll be mad. I should be mad.

I shifted to where I was now laying on my side as well.

"I'm dreading it because it means I have to let you go," he sighed, running his hand through my hair.

"You what?"

"I really like you, but you're going to UCLA. And as hard as I tried to study for my SAT, no matter how many pills I took... I couldn't get a good enough score for a scholarship. And my dad makes too much for me to be considered for grants and scholarships, so I have to go to school in state. In Seattle."

I realized what he was trying to say, "Edward, you were taking those pills because of-"

"Because I wanted to go with you. But I can't. When I saw you at the party, I knew it was my last chance to tell you how I felt. You've always been the only girl for me, Bella. The fact that we're going to different colleges is the only thing that's held me back. You're beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, you have great taste in music, and that isn't even half of it."

I should have known better. I should have thought about it. But I didn't. I fell for every word, my mind focusing mostly on the part where he told me I was sexy.

I couldn't have questioned him if I wanted to. Edward scooted closer, crashing his lips onto mine and giving me my first kiss. As many times as I imagined it being him, I never imagined it would go down like this. Edward was raw and passionate, his hands going straight for my waist and pulling me even closer to him. His tongue touched the tip of my lip, begging for entrance. I allowed it. Edward tasted like whiskey and cigarettes. Two things I didn't care for, yet I had no intentions of stopping.

"Bella," he groaned, rolling over and pulling me on top of him. We continued to make out for a while, and the idea of taking things further honestly didn't cross my mind.

Edward eventually sat up, bringing me with him. He started unbuttoning the white shirt I had on without seeking my approval. Something in my head told me to stop him, but I didn't say anything. Everything was new; the foreign feelings defied my judgement. I was enjoying our intimacy far more than I should have.

"Bella, take my shirt off," he sought, bringing his hands above his head. My shirt was still on, but it had been completely unbuttoned, exposing my beige color bra. I certainly had nothing going for me in that region, but I couldn't help but notice that Edward was definitely eyeing the little bit of skin that peeked out from over the top.

"You're so sexy," he told me, bringing his hands back to my waist and gripping me tightly, "But I think I'm making you into a dirty girl."

He stood up and wrapped my legs around his waist, carrying me towards his en-suite bathroom. I wasn't sure I was okay with where this was going, but I still made no attempts to stop it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the things Edward was making me feel.

Edward slammed me into the wall next to his bathroom, and went for the button of my jeans. His kisses drifted down to my neck as he unzipped them. He used one hand to brace me against the wall as his fingers drifted back up and rested gently on my chest, just below my bra, "I love you, Bella."

"I love you too," I wasn't sure where it came from, but it sounded like the right thing to say at the time.

Edward continued to kiss me against the wall for a while before taking me into his bathroom. I still didn't know what his intentions were. If he wanted me so bad, why was I still mostly dressed? It didn't make any sense. My shirt and jeans were unbuttoned, but that was about it. He hadn't even tried to touch me.

Once he sat me down, he quickly kicked his Nike's off before starting the shower. We were taking a shower together? It seemed strange, but I didn't question it. It wasn't like we could have sex in the shower anyway, right? Nonetheless, Edward was going to see me naked, and I was going to see him. Did he want me to touch him? Did I want him to touch me?

I started taking my clothes off, almost mechanically. The room was spinning and I had no idea what I was doing. This was a side of myself that I had never seen before, and even with the tingling feeling I felt in my stomach, somewhere I knew that it was wrong. He took off his jeans and socks and threw them into the pile I had created on the floor. Edward's boxers did little to hide his erection. I couldn't believe I was even capable of doing that to him.

Boldly, I reached out to touch him. I ran my fingers along his the elastic waist of his boxers and he moaned as I drifted over his head. Edward picked me up and took me into the shower, even though I was still wearing my bra and panties.

Once inside, he practically ripped everything else off. The water felt so good against my skin. His hands felt so good as they finally explored my chest. Eventually, he got bored with the upper half of my body and began to move lower.

Edward was big. I had absolutely no experience with guys, but I knew that much. I could only assume he would want sex eventually, but I had no idea if it was even going to be possible. He wouldn't fit, I was sure of it.

I decided if I didn't want things to go any further, I needed to take control of the situation. I was going to have to do some things I wasn't ready for, but it might save me in the long run.

I kissed my way down his chest. I had no idea what I was doing. The only understanding I had about sex was from movies and Alice. My dad raised me, for Christ's sake. He avoided the sex talk at all costs. I hardly knew what a blow job was, let alone how to give someone one.

He hissed and braced himself against the shower wall as I took what I could into my mouth. It wasn't so bad. The longer I kept going, the more of Edward I tried to take in. I gagged a few times, but Edward kept encouraging me to try again. Eventually, I settled into a steady pace and Edward clasped his hands on my shoulders.

"Fuck, Bella, I'm close," He warned. I knew what this meant. Alice had warned me about it after her experience of going down on Ben Cheney. Edward was about to orgasm, and I had to decide whether I was going to spit or swallow.

Edward decided for me. At the last second, he pushed me away and began to masturbate. I watched in awe as he began to spew all over the wall of the shower. Relief washed over me. It was over, and as far as I could tell, Edward had enjoyed every second of it.

After quickly washing himself, Edward shut the water off and grab his towel. I noticed his boner had gone down as he dried me off. When I was dry, he used the same towel on himself. I noticed how he still had droplets of water on his back as he threw me over his shoulder and carried me back into the bedroom. He pulled his sheets back and laid me down, begging me not to move as he went to turn out the light.

My plan didn't work. If anything, I had just made it worse. Now, not only was I in bed; I was fully naked. Edward made his way back to bed and crawled on top of me, covering us both up in the process.

"I'm so lucky," he whispered, kissing his way down my neck. Edward was hard again. I could feel him rubbing against my thigh. I knew what was coming. I tried to vocalize the words; tried to say no, but nothing came out. He gave me little warning before he began to push into me. I told myself, if this hadn't been Edward, it would have been someone else. Actually, I would have said no to anyone else.

The alcohol numbed the pain, but not by a lot. I still felt everything. I couldn't believe he actually fit. Once he was entirely in, he paused. He opened his eyes, and even though it was dark, I saw him stare straight into mine.

"I'm a virgin," He whispered, "I've never done this before."

"Me either," I confessed honestly, "But I've always dreamed my first time would be with you."

It's true. I've always wanted Edward, but not like this. I imagined we'd be older; we'd be dating. I wanted Edward to worship my body. Sober. It was sappy and stupid, and I should have known better than to think that shit actually happened in real life. The fact that I had thought about it so much... the idea that I always wanted him was probably the only reason I wasn't stopping it now.

But if I had said no, would it have even mattered?

"Bella, is this okay? Can I keep going? Does it hurt, baby?" He sighed, rolling his hips, "Fuck, you feel so good to me."

"Come on, come on. Lets just get this over with."

I threw a lot of things down the drain that night. My virtue, my future, even my relationship with a close friend. It all happened so fast; a mixture of so many emotions and feelings exploding into one stupid, reckless moment.

There were no more words exchanged as Edward continued to take me. I couldn't lie. It did have its good parts. At least he tried to be gentle. He had stamina, but looking back I realized it was probably the amount of alcohol in his system. Edward gave me my first orgasm, and to this day, it's been my only.

It's been six years since I lost my virginity to Edward. I hardly have enough time to sleep, much less date. I never went to UCLA; I didn't even make it to Seattle like Edward had. I stayed in Forks, because I honestly had no where else to go. I'm only 24, but I've been through hell and back because of that night. The truth of the matter is, I only have myself and my son's father to blame.

And unfortunately, sometimes it has to get worse before it can get better.

I really hope this has gotten your attention. I'll be posting the first chapter soon. This story will have alternating BPOV/EPOV. There are two sides to every story, and this one is no different. Please review and let me know what you think! If you're looking for a near complete story to read, check out my other one. It's called Accountability.

Thanks, as always, to my friends simba517 and broduergirl30. Check their stories out; you won't be let down.