A/N I'm back! Sorry I took so long to upload. As a way of making up for it, I have made this chapter extra long. Yay! Please enjoy and excuse me for surrounding the song with large chunks of dialog. This scene just has so much parodying potential, y' know?
Mrs. Lovett takes Sweeney out of the room, in order to lead him to his old barber shop. When they step outside onto the streets of London, Sweeney stands there for a few moments, taking in the atmosphere.
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T, it's not really a good idea to loiter in Fleet Street.
Sweeney: Why not?
Mrs. Lovett: Because the Beadle's changed since you were last here. He's much more nasty now, and he has a retractable cane. He likes to walk around and bash people with it.
Sweeney: As if! Beadle Bamford is nothing but a sucker.
Flashback: 15 years ago Benjamin Barker and Lucy run intoBeadle Bamford at St. Dunstan's Market.
Benjamin (winking at Lucy and saying in a loud voice): Smells like up dog.
Beadle Bamford: What's up dog?
Benjamin: Nothin' much, bitch. How about you? Haha! Got you again Bamford!
Beadle Bamford sulks and runs away. Benjamin and Lucy hi-five each other and laugh.
Sweeney: Good times...
Mrs. Lovett: Believe what you will, Mr. Todd. Don't say I didn't warn you.
She hurries up the stairs and into the barber shop. Sweeney casually looks down a nearby street to see Beadle Bamford bashing up Anthony. Fortunately, females all over the world need not lose sleep over the matter, as it is still the manly Anthony stunt-double from the first chapter.
Beadle Bamford (as he bashes the manly Anthony): I like my sailors to be young and pretty! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Hiding behind a nearby lamppost, Jamie Campbell Bower is finding this very funny indeed.
Tim Burton: You're on, Bower!
Jamie Campbell Bower: Damn...
Sweeney has not seen all this, just the angry Beadle. He cannot believe that the Beadle has changed so much and realises that Beadle probably has a lot of bottled-up feelings about his past teasings. Sweeney does not want to end up on the wrong side of the Beadle's retractable cane.
Sweeney sprints as fast as he can up the stairs of his old Barber Shop. Mrs. Lovett looks up and is happy to be proved right.
Sweeney (panicked): It was Beadle Bamford with a retractable cane!
Mrs. Lovett: You must not excite yourself.
Sweeney: But it was Beadle Bamford with a retractable cane!
Mrs. Lovett: Of course it was. That's why you're here.
Sweeney: No, you must believe me. It was Beadle Bamford, a nasty one. With a retractible cane.
Mrs. Lovett: I know, I know.
Sweeney: You don't know because you were not there. It's all true.
Mrs. Lovett: Of-course it is. I told you. Everyone told you.
Sweeney: I... saw him. [faints]
Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T! Stop this fainting, it isn't like you!
Sweeney: Sorry, Mrs. Lovett. I guess I just have low self-esteem. I feel insecure about my hair, particularly my ends.
Mrs. Lovett: There, there. I know what will make you feel more confident. Come on.
She crosses the room and lifts a loose floorboard from the floor, reaching inside.
Mrs. Lovett: When they came for the girl I hid it.
Sweeney: And you didn't think to hide the girl?
Mrs. Lovett: Dang! I knew there was something else I was meant to do that day.
Mrs. Lovett draws an old, dust-covered box from the hole in the floor. Background music starts to play. She passes the box to Sweeney who opens it, revealing a hand-held mirror. He uses it to look at his hair.
Mrs. Lovett: These angels is chased silver, ain't they?
Sweeney: My hair is not silver! My skunk-stripe is very handsome and fashionable.
Mrs. Lovett: Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the day, love. Now, you just sing your song while I do a Judge Turpin.
Sweeney: 'Do a Judge Turpin'?
Mrs. Lovett: Fleet Street slang. It means perve.
Sweeney: These are my ends
See how they're splitten.
Though the fault is not mine
Mrs. Lovett: "Huh? You mean it's hereditary?"Sweeney nods.
My mother's hair was a fright!
My disadvantaged ends...
Help me my ends
Shall I shampoo you?
I know, I know I should have curled you every night
All these years, wa-vy
Well I've come home
To find you need updating
Moan! You get worse in bad weather
Mrs. Lovett: "Mr. T, what you need is a hairdresser. A good one, who understands womanly things and can fix your hair up for you. Someone who will understand. Ahem. Hint, hint."
Points to self.
Sweeney nods, failing to notice Mrs. Lovett's motions and sends a text message to someone he believes can help. A few streets away, Anthony's phone rings.
Sweeney: Sailor boy'll do wonders
You there, my ends
Mrs. Lovett (In sync with Sweeney): I have ends too, Mr. Todd
I could cure you, Mr. Todd
Ooh, Mr. Todd
With a braid, down your back,
And a comb
Mrs. Lovett self-consciously touches her own hair.
Always had a fondness, for hair, I did.
Sweeney ( in sync with Mrs. Lovett): Come let my plait you
Now, with a tie, you're a braid down my back
My improving ends
Mrs. Lovett (in sync with Sweeney): Never you fear Mr. Todd
I'll make your hair less queer Mr, Todd.
Mr. Todd, with straightners.
Sweeney (in sync with Mrs. Lovett):Rest now my ends,
Soon I'll uncurl you
Soon you'll know straighteners
You never have dreamed
All you bad hair days will be yours!
My luscious ends!
Til now your shine was merely hair mousse
Mrs. Lovett: I can make you bewilder! What? You didn't say the word 'silver'? Do you know how long it took me to rhyme with that word? Mrs. Mooney told me last week that nothing rhymes with silver, purple or orange and I was sure I could prove her wrong, but now you've –
Sweeney: Ends! You'll soon be clipped with rubies!
Sweeney walks over to a mirror and begins experimenting with one of Mrs. Lovett's ruby encrusted hair clips.
Sweeney: Clipped back with precious rubies.
Mrs. Lovett: Hehe. I can think of something else that rhymes with that. How about 'Stripped back to precious nudies'?
Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, you have sunk to a new low. Hang on a minute... That's the second time this author has mentioned me stripping in one of her fanfics. Do you think there's some underlying meaning to that?
Unfortunately, the author does not give Sweeney an answer and he has to finish his song.
Sweeney: At last! My wig is comple- I mean, My hair is complete again!
Cue the dramatic music, and the famous shot of Sweeney, holding his ruby hairclip as the camera pans back showing the window, then Mrs. Lovett's roof top, then the roof tops of London.
Mrs. Lovett: Tim! You promised you wouldn't show my rooftop! It needs re-tiling and it's absolutely covered with moss! I was going to get my guys to clean and re-tile it, but you know what slackers they are. And besides, last time they went up there they scared all the birds away. The complaints from Judge Turtle's ward made me never want to show my face in public again.
Sweeney: You shouldn't; you have a horrible face. Nearly as bad as someone I once knew from my younger days. Hatch-face? Uh... Hackett-Face? No. Hockey-face?
Undeterred, Mrs. Lovett continues.
Mrs. Lovett: I can't afford to have the neighbour see my roof when this movie comes out. You see, my reputation couldn't really get any worse... Everyone still thinks I murdered my over-sized husband.
Sweeney: Did you?
Mrs. Lovett: That's beside the point.
Sweeney: The point of your knife?
Mrs. Lovett: No silly, the point of my machete. It's much more womanly than a knife.
Sweeney: Looks like Anthony isn't the only one around here with gender-confusion. Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Sweeney walks over to Mrs. Lovett's closet and goes digging around to find more ruby hair clips. He soon discovers an angora sweater. Suddenly there is a pecking at the window. Sweeney sees a Woodpecker.
Sweeney: I've always thought that Woodpecker was a good surname to have, except for it being too long. I would shorten it to Wood. Don't be too hard on Tim, Mrs. Lovett. Directing is a hard job, believe me. So can I borrow one of your angora sweaters some time?
Mrs. Lovett: Oh boy, I'm feeling another character change coming on. The pirate and the constable were alright I guess. Is it that time again, Mr. T?
Sweeney: Yup! It's that time of the month.
Mrs. Lovett: Gee, this gender-confusion thing's more serious than I thought.
Suddenly Big Ben starts to chime in the background. Sweeney runs over to Mrs. Lovett in a panic.
Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett! This scene ended ages ago! We shouldn't be here anymore.
Mrs. Lovett checks the time and jumps.
Mrs. Lovett: You're right! Quick!
And the two of them ran out the door, down the stairs and ducked behind the pie shop counter before the readers could follow their adventures any further.
A/N Who can spot the Johnny Depp movie references? LOL!
What did you think? Please leave a review, money can't buy them, which makes them all the more valuable.
In the next chapter, Johanna comes to blows with Tim Burton over song choices and Judge Turpin sings about porn (Not graphically, he only uses the word porn). Stay tuned!