Disclaimer: As usual Stephenie Meyer owns everything related to Twilight,only the little plot is mine. Thanks for reading:)
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.
Chapter 2 ~There You'll Be~
Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the smaller hand of the clock aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
You put me through all this torture. All this pain and all this misery.
Mom, why did you do it? Why did you make me do it?
A stake is piercing my heart. I try so hard to gain back hope. To gain back my life...
I am going insane. I am losing my mind. And I am at a loss of words.
The pain is throbbing inside of me. I can feel it stabbing my heart – my body.
It's been a year since my mom died. And since then I experienced panic attacks . Since that moment, I began to not care about what happened to me.
I was like a zombie in a world that didn't care about me.
I don't know if I did this because I felt guilty or because I was afraid to confront the world.
"Bella, the doctors are here, honey. It' time for you to go to the rehabilitation clinic, you can't go on like this anymore. It's been a year, you can't blame yourself anymore. It wasn't your fault," Dad told me.
I was looking at him, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I saw he was talking to me, but I couldn't understand the words, I heard them as a muted words.
"I miss her too, sweetheart. However, life must go on. I loved your mother with all my heart, but you are the reason of my living right now. You can't leave me alone," he begged me.
"Bells answer me, honey!" My Dad was about to cry. I could see on his face, the failure he saw in me. It was the least he could think about the assassin of his wife. Mom was dead because of me.
I could see the pain that I was inflicting him – first he lost his wife, now he was losing his only daughter.
In that moment, I knew what I had to do.
I had to get better so I could look him in the eye. Since that faithful day, I couldn't look him in the eye. I was afraid of what I could see in them.
Not knowing what to answer, I just nodded and started packing my things.
"Thank you for doing this, honey. After you'll get better, you aren't going to hate me so much." He hugged me.
I wanted to say that I didn't hate him, but the words won't come out.
I had to do this for him.
The car was waiting for me outside. I took a final look at my room, to my house and looked ahead to the future that was awaiting me.
The road was long. As we passed the cliff where it happened, I could feel everything around me closing. The rushing waves calmed me, but just for a little while. I truly understand complete tranquility now. The feel of the breeze, the smell of the salt water, and the sight of the cliff in the distance soothed my senses in a way that nothing else could.
But then it all came back to me.
I could feel the panic inside me rising. She was here. I could see her.
She didn't struggle to stay on top of each wave, but she didn't seem to be swallowed in the swelling waters. How could that be possible?
Everything around me intensified, I could feel the taste of salt running down my throat even though I wasn't in the water. My nose picked up the salty scent of the sea breeze.
She was sitting by the shore watching as the sun was setting. I was feeling as if time had somehow stopped. She stared curiously at me as the waves hit her feet. She wanted me to go to her.
"Stop the car!" I screamed at the driver.
"Miss I don't think that's appropia-" he tried to tell me.
I could see myself moving towards her. I sat next to her on the sand. There was something about that cliff that made me feel alive –I could hardly call it a cliff. It was the place that ruined my life.
Wait and see, honey. It will soon happen. She smiled at me.
Many times, we came here to watch the sunset.
As I sat there next to her, I didn't feel the need to talk, the tranquil sight in front of me calmed me.
The atmosphere itself seems to glow. It's like the comforting warmth of a sweet embrace, stilling your heart, and causing you to hold your breath for the slightest of moments as the wonderment of the beauty of it collects in a bag of mixed emotions, leaving you to feel a true sense of joy in the end. As someone, once said: " It is the Anticipation for the Dawn that with the Sunlight will lift you up to start a new day of life!"
Now I knew what I had to do.
After Two Weeks in the Recovery Clinic
"Have you been experiencing any symptoms, other than sweating?" Dr. Jane asked me, taking notes.
"Eating. I have problems eating. I can't, you know, keep it down," I said with a small voice.
She took more notes.
"So we'll get you back on the Zoloft, and you'll start group activities tomorrow. We'll check in again on Tuesday. Do you have any questions?"
I shook my head.
"Well, in that case we'll see each other next week to see your development." She smiled warmly to me. I stood up and headed towards the door.
First month was the toughest one.
I stared at my burrito breakfast, unsure of my actions and thoughts. Next to me is my roommate who seems more like a nurse than a patient. I wonder what she's doing in a place like this. She eats her breakfast as she flips through the pages of a fashion magazine.
"Look at those flames! I always wanted a bike with big red flames on it." She pointed at the girl on the bike.
I didn't know what to answer her. Even though she was a stranger to me she drew me to her. She's the first person to notice me, in this place, except for the doctors.
"You can have the bike. I like more the clothes she's wearing." She smiled at me, making me feel safe. I smiled back.
One of the guys in our group was looking to what she was pointing to. I never noticed him before, but I wasn't really paying attention until now. He seemed kind of young to be in a place like this. But then again I was too and here I was. I wasn't one to criticize others.
"I can only imagine just how amazing is to ride on that thing," she said nonchalantly.
"I've been on one of those things, once," I said, my voice barely a whisper.
Alice dropped the magazine to the floor. What did I do?
"I knew you could talk." She looked at me as if she had won the lottery. I began to panic a little.
"She's terrified now because of your screaming, little bugger," that guy said to her. "Let's hope she will keep talking now." He threw me a smile.
"I know how to talk, it's just that, until now I couldn't."
They looked at each other for a moment. And then they turned their heads looking at me. Their smiles could light up an entire room.
Then came the second month.
My eyes popped open. I looked over to the girl in the bed next to me. She was my roommate for over two months now. She tried to commit suicide because of her boyfriend. It seemed that he left her because she was too fat. But that was stupid, she was the skinniest girl I've ever seen. At least, in the beginning, now she looked curvier, more filled in the right places.
I couldn't believe a tiny creature could snore so loud.
This last year was a disaster for me. I was so caught up in my depressed state that I forgot to see the world around me. I realized I didn't fight back and I promised my mom I would. Right in that moment, I realized I shouldn't be waking up in a mental hospital.
I should be living my dream.
It was Monday. And this particular Monday I felt more relieved than I did in a year. Why didn't I see the person I became? Was I that bad? I guess that's what got me here in the first place. Always asking myself: Why?
In these past months, I grew really attached to Alice . She was my anchor and I was hers. We became best friends because of the fatal events that brought us to this place. We both had encounters with death, even though they were different.
As we track along a line of patients, downing their meds in Dixie cups we stopped, waiting for our turn.
"Bella, I really hate this part. God, how I hope this will end soon and I will get better. No more pills for me then, although my doctor said I would be taking them a period of time after I get out of here. I can't wait for that day. The first thing I will do is going shopping. I miss the smell of a store, the feeling you get when you see a great pair of shoes at a small price." She dreamed her life as I watched her amused. She was a talker, that's for sure.
"Alice, you do realize that when the time will come you will go insane from so much shopping, right?" I snorted.
"Don't you laugh, Missy, you will be right next to me when I am doing all that." She had a mischievous smirk on her face "Right? " She pouted.
I was scared already. I didn't even wanted to image what was waiting for me.
We were sitting in a loose circle around Dr. Jane. James was observing me silently. He caught my eye when I looked at him. I blushed ten shades of red. As I was sneaking occasional glances at him,
I was feeling self-conscious. It'd been a while since I took care of myself.
As I woke up from my reverie, I took notice of my environment. I was at the group meeting.
"I was just interested in hearing it from an impartial observer," Dr. Jane said.
"Well, if you want my opinion," James intervened. "I think Bobby's been on edge because of his interview and he's lashing out because he's nervous."
"Interesting observation, James. I think you are right. We all should encourage him."
Another patient began talking. "Yeah, Johnny, you know my hemorrhoids are flarin' up again. Make sure everyone knows about that, too. Hemorrhoids! It'll come to ya!" This was something usual in this place.
We all started laughing. James smiled, sneaking a peek at me from across the room. I faked I wasn't paying attention.
"Bobby, it's okay if you want to keep your feelings private, but you should know it's perfectly normal to be nervous about your interview tomorrow."
"I'm not nervous about the interview." He said with a panicked voice. You could see he was trying to be brave about it.
Everyone around me starting saying what could be the reason, he was nervous about his interview.
"Okay, listen!" I said loud, so they could hear me and stop that madness. Everybody turned their heads to me. "He's not hungry. He's not tired. If you listen to him for a moment maybe you will know why." Wow, I never thought I had it in me to make a room quiet.
Suddenly self-conscious, I looked down.
"I think I can do that," Alice said.
"Well now that Miss Swan here, made it clear how about we listen to him?"
That was the first time I opened my mouth without being asked to say something. I felt so relieved I finally did it, I don't know what took me so long.
I could hear their voices from where I was standing outside the door of our room. I didn't want to intrude so I wasn't sure if I should enter the room or not.
"I wanted to see both of you. And that is because you are my parents, damn it," she sounded defeated. "I know I made a mistake when I fell in love with that monster, but I need you now."
I could hear her sobbing. "I'm not- Look, just be there for me. Please. I don't ask you for anything else. I just want to see you-" I never heard her like this. Can't they see what they were doing to her? I was beyond pissed.
While I was standing there, I felt something brush by my shoulder, and when I turned, I saw James disappearing around the corner. I looked down to find a folded piece of paper at my feet.
MEET ME TOMORROW 7:00 PM. BENCH OUTSIDE REC ROOM.
I glanced up from the note. He was gone. I kept looking for him but he was nowhere to be found.
"Bella someone wants to speak with you, darling." Alice entered the room and told me.
"Hey, Bells, it's me, um..."
"I just wanted to make sure you were doing all right." There was silence for a minute. I could hear his breathing.
"Okay, that's all. I'm with Billy. He asked me to give you all his love. Jake, too. "
"Thank you for calling, Dad. I-" I could speak to him right now. I needed more time. "I have to go to-" I paused. "Uhm- I have a session right now. Talk to you soon .Okay?"
"Uhm- Sure honey. I- I love you Bells!"
"Me too Dad. Bye!"
"Uh, I've just been feeling kinda, you know..."
"Maybe you could try to focus on the positive things you would get from the experience rather than, you know..." Alice trailed off the words.
"The negative," I continued.
"Exactly. Like what do you think you can bring to this world? Something special only you can offer."
My mind was thinking hard. "It can be anything. Maybe you have a great attitude?" Alice said.
"No." I shook my head. "I think I got it," I said as a smile appeared on my face.
"You came." James smiled at me.
"Yeah. I mean, like, I had other plans, but I canceled them." I tried to joke.
"Good. I thought I might have scared you off yesterday." He looked at his feet, embarrassed "You know with all the staring and everything."
"Not yet." I noticed several old scars on his hands and forearm, peaking out of his bunched up sleeve. Seeing me, he subtly pulled his sleeves over his palms.
What do you say if we play a game? So that we get to know each other," he told me.
"Okay." I nodded.
"I ask you a question and you ask me a question."
"Do we answer them?"
"It's up to you, but no matter what, you have to finish with a question. Here we go. You ready?"
"I think so." I shuddered.
"I said finish with a question. Did you already give up?" He laughed.
"Uh, no- Are you?" I finally got the game.
"There you go. Do you think I'm good looking?" He smirked at me. My heart was beating like crazy and I started blushing like crazy.
"Well... you look okay."
"You forgot your question again." He smiled ruefully. I knew he saw how red I was.
"Why'd you invite me here?" I asked him.
"I thought it was nice to get to know each other. Don't you think this is a good way to get to know someone?" he asked me.
"Sure. Have you played this before?"
"Nope. I made it up on the moment," he said, sincerely "So... How long have you been here?"
"Two months. Why are you here?"
"My parents think I am a danger for those around me." He shuddered. "So they decided that if I want to be their son, I have to do this. Why have you been here for so long?"
"I checked myself in, I guess. My Dad thinks I need help. I think he's right, it's just I haven't seen it until now," I said with sadness in my voice. "Some events turned my life upside down and now I am trying to get back on track. Does that make any sense?"
He nodded. "So, you did this to please your Dad?"
"In the beginning yes. But now I know I need help. So why did your parents bring you here?"
"Drugs. Alcohol. Partying all the time. I had a car accident a month ago so, they told me that if I wanted to party on their money I better work for it," he said with hatred. "My Dad is the owner of this place so it wasn't so hard to get me in." He stopped for a moment. "Do you think I'm an evil person?"
"No. I just think you are misunderstood. I'm not the one to criticize you. So, wow, Aro Volturi is your dad. I know he is a well-known business man. You must be really proud of him, aren't you?" I asked.
"Yeah. You can say that. But the expectations are so big when you are his son. I have to work hard. I have to make him proud of me. How about you?"
"I-I…my Dad doesn't have such big expectations from me. He wants me to be happy and to fulfill my dreams. After I get out of here I am going to try – I am going to try and…" I took a deep breath. "…I will fulfill my Mom's last wish." Tears made my vision became blurry. Every time I mentioned her, I felt overwhelmed by the emotions. I couldn't keep them at bay.
"Shh. It's alright Isabella. Don't cry," he begged me.
And that was how me and James became close friends. It still was a long way for me to trust him, but I felt safe near him.
"See, I knew it!" Alice screamed.
Every time she did that, my ears bled. She kept starring at me like I had something on my face.
"Is there a bug on my face?"
"I think you have a crush on him." The excitement in her voice never fading. "I can assure you that by the time you are out of this place something will happen between the two of you."
"I-" I was scared of that possibility. "I don't think I can Alice. It's complicated."
"It's complicated as long as you make it that way. Once you accomplish to understand who you are and what's your role in this life, it all becomes easier." She smiled at me. "You'll see, my dear friend. I'm almost never wrong."
A month before my release
As we were standing in the yard of the clinic, James kept looking at me. He was examining my face, finding a loose eyelash near my eye.
He held it up for me to see.
"Make a wish." He grinned.
I thought for a moment then blew it away, off his finger.
He leaned back on the grass, taking a deep breath.
"Bella, I have to say something to you," he said with a serious voice. "Soon, you will be out of here. And you know that I like you."
"I like you too," I said back.
"Let me finish, please," he said while looking into my eyes. "I like you more…more than a friend." My breathing stopped. He liked me. What do I say now?
He made the decision for me. "No, don't say anything now. I just wanted to know if-maybe we could still see each other." He blushed.
I stayed silent for a moment. "I would love that. Does this mean that now we have to have our first official date?" I smiled at him.
"Well, I think so. I am a gentleman and I really want to make everything the right way."
"Well, in that case I should tell you my Dad has a gun." I laughed as I saw his terrified face.
He jumped to his feet and we both started laughing. He came near me, looking into my eyes. I could feel myself trembling. He wanted to kiss me, I could see it on his face.
His lips touched mine. It was a small kiss, but I was putting all my hopes up for a new life in it. I wanted this release. I wanted something new to keep me alive.
And so it began. Only it wasn't as nice as it was in the beginning. After dating for a while,after I got released from the clinic, I went to auditions and classes to become an actress. James was jealous almost all the time. I had to give up on my friendship with Alice, even with my Dad I talked less.
Three months after being released
"Do you think you can fool her, you moron?" Alice shouted.
I was outside the house and I could hear their screams from were I was standing near the car.
"You don't tell me what to do," he screamed back at her. "Do you think you can separate me from her? You really must be stupid to think I will let her go." He laughed.
"Wait until I speak to her. She's better off without you, you sick bastard. I am going to make sure she will never speak to you again!"
As I entered the kitchen, I could see them glaring at each other. Alice wanted to separate me from James. She didn't understood that I needed him.
"Can you please stop fighting? Both of you?"
"Bella, baby, explain to Alice to stop sticking her nose into our relationship!" He looked into my eyes, making me see he was serious about it.
"James, can you give us a moment?" I asked him.
He came near me and kissed my lips. "I love you. You are making the right choice," he told me.
After he exited the room, I looked at Alice.
"Please don't do this." I could see the pain I was inflicting on her.
"It's not like that-" I was looking out the window. "In the past few months, I felt like I was living again. The pain is still there but not as before. He helped get through all of it. "
"But that doesn't mean you are bound to him."
"I feel like I own him this. He loves me. I need to be there for him as he was there for me."
"What about you? What about your happiness? What about your feelings?" She put her hand on mine. "Don't you dream about finding true love, about having someone near you that you don't think you owe him something?"
"I-" I didn't know how to explain to her. I was afraid to let him down.
"Never give up on hope. You don't have to lock yourself in this relationship. After the looks of it, it won't be long before you land you first big role. And what's going to happen when James will ban you to go out or wear something he doesn't seem appropriate? He's still sick Bella."
"That's not going to happen, he promised to trust me, and my decisions."
"Why are you lying to yourself? You are a strong, beautiful woman. You deserve a better life."
"Alice, please. Don't question my decision. Just be there for me okay?"
"Don't you see what he's doing to you? Please open your eyes and see the true monster you have as a boyfriend!" Alice sobbed.
It broke my heart, but I couldn't agree with her. If she really was my friend, she was going to agree with my decisions.
"I'm not going to end my relationship so stop it for the sake of our friendship. If you really love me Alice, you will stand by my side. Please!" My voice was almost a whisper. "I think- I think I love him! He's the only one that accepted me with all my problems and everything else."
"Don't you see? You're so blind, you think you love him but that's not true. You know it, I know it, hell, even he knows it. It 's convenient for him to stay with you. But if that's what you want..."
I was afraid of what she was going to say next. I was afraid she was going to abandon me. My best friend was going to go away because I already choose my life, and she didn't agree with my decisions.
"I'm going to be here whenever you need me. You know that, but I don't think things will the same. I can't do this!" She sobbed.
It broke my heart to see her like this, but I had to think of myself now, for the first time in my life.
Keith Haynes once said: "Loneliness is the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, it's the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely."
A/N From the next chapter someone will make a little appearance:) So what do you think? If you have any questions feel free to ask me,I'll gladly answer them. Thank you once again to my amazing friend,who helps me write this story. Without her I would be lost. I'm halfway there with chapter 3 so,see you in a few days:) The fun it's just starting. Now it's easier for me to write it because it will be with Bella and Edward,and whenever this two are involved flames erupt. So,feel free to review if you want,if not-Well- that's okay. But I would love to hear your thoughts. Bye guys!