A/N: So I was just sitting around my house tonight, attempting to find something on FanFic that I hadn't yet read, and all I found was the same story – over and over again. Misspellings abound. Poor grammar. Gratuitous sex with no plot whatsoever. Same shit, different fic – only these fics have something that much better, well-written stories don't have. A shit ton of reviews. This saddens me, and quite frankly, scares the crap outta me. Hence my Twitter rant earlier this evening (Missus T, you know what I'm talkin' about).

Now I don't profess to be the best writer out there, and I've had my fair share of spelling/grammar/punctuation/continuity fuckery over the past two years, but you know what? I just realized I learned my lesson... I should've just left them alone and added in more filth. No more re-writes, no more spell check. So in honor of that, I've decided to write a new story for all of you.

NOW, please read this the way I wrote it...with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Save the hate mail, m'kay?

Here's my disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, and she'll flip her nut if she reads this.

Have at it, folks. I'll give twenty bucks and my left kidney to the first person who guesses why I named my story...


My name is Isabella Swan. But please dont call me that cuz I hate it. I just wanna be called Bella. Okay? So Im the new girl here in town and theres this realy fuckhawt guy whos name I found out (from his pixie of a sister and my new best friend Alice) was Edward with crazy bronze sex hair and hott green eyes and he smells so good like smoke and soap and boy and I can already feel my pooter leaking from just looking at him.

But hes really really mean to me and it must because Im plain and boring and ugly and clumsy – not like that girl Tanya I saw him talking too even tho she has really big fake boobs and fingernails. Ill never get him to like me the way that I like him. I make my hair a sheild between the 2 of us so he cant see how nrvous he makes me. He sniffs loud at some point and I guess he thinks I stink or something.

I leave and try not to cry but I get stopped in the hall by this blond hared guy who wont leave me alone and asks me if I want to go out with him but I say no, Mike, because I only want to go out with Edward.

I drive my big ol red truck home, I LOVE IT! but it stalls on the side of the road and I cry and cry some more until I here a knock on my window. I look up and their he is – the sex god adonis of my fantacize. I roll down my window.

"Are you OK?" he asks me "Did your truck brake down?"

I start to sob harder and he opens my door and pulls me in to his arms shushing me while he squeezes me tight. "Please dont cry Bella."

I was so shocked! "How did you know my name" I peaked up from his shoulder.

"Of course I know your name. I love you." Edward said.

"OH EDWARD, I love you to!" I squeeled.

"I want to make love to you Bella, and then I want to give you my mom's ring, and then I want to have lots and lots of babys with you."

"Ummmmm...Okay." I said. I was so exited.

He pulled me to the back of my truck and lifted me in to the bed. He jumped up and pulled off his long sleeved button up shirt that he had rolled up to his elbows earlier and put it down on the bed.

"Here, lay on that so you don't get dirty when were having sex." My Edward, hes such a gentlemen.

I pulled of all my cloths and layed down. I was so nervous I was a virgin and never had sex before. He took off all his cloths to, and then layed on top of me.

"I want to try something" he said and then he said "stay very still."

I said OK and then he stuck one then two then all his fingers inside my kitty. Sorry, I can't say pussy. Oh wait. I just did. So, where was I? Oh ya, he put his whole hand in my poonani.

He growled and then said "I want to fuck you with my cock now."

I was seeing spots from my orgasm so I just nodded cuz I couldn't answer him.

"This is gonna hirt" he said. "But after a little bit, Ill make you feel good."

"OK. I'm ready."

He pushed his extreemly large peen in my hoo hoo and oh my GOD it hurt so bad at first but then it felt really really good – like I was totally full or something. Then he stopped and asked if I was okay and I said yeah and so he started moving in and out of me and holy crap! It was awesome!

"MINE!" he yelled a lot.

It felt so good but I wanted more so I said "Edward I want you to put your cock in my ass right now!"

"Oh Bella, your so beautiful and I have wondered the earth for so long looking for someone who would let me stick it in their ass. Will you marry me?"

"Ok, but can we do anal first?"


A/N: Please leave me a review and maybe if your lucky I'll send you a preview of the sequal.

REAL AUTHOR'S NOTE #2: *snort* Okay, okay, I'll jump off my soap box now. I just needed to get that out of my system. I feel so much better. Martini and a cigarette, anyone?

Come yell at me on Twitter if you want. I'm tough. I can take it. WBSerenade