Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Glee writers and creators.
A/N: I'm back, baby! *clears throat* So yes, I meant to post a bunch of stuff over the weekend (including the last parts of 'Mission: Be Mine' and 'Secret Keeper' aaaand…a new one-shot :D). And then…wham! Power outage. So keep an eye out for those in the next couple days. In the meantime, this is my depressing 'welcome back to me' drabble. I'll be honest: it sucks and doesn't make any sense. Enjoy! :)
She didn't feel it the way everyone else did. Or, at least, she didn't think anyone else experienced it quite this way. If they did, she had never seen it. And she had seen it a lot in her few years at McKinley High School. Everyone had fallen prey to it at one point or another.
Artie became its victim when Tina left him for Mike.
Brittany was its constant plaything while Santana brushed her aside for fresh meat.
Kurt—first for Finn, now Blaine.
Mercedes—once, over Noah and against Santana.
Mike—over the way Tina still rushed to Artie's side in his defense, even with Brittany right there. Even with Mike right there.
Santana—anyone who touched Puck or Brittany was grass in her mind, and Artie Abrams had dug himself a six-foot hole in the ground.
Tina—over the way Artie grasped Brittany's hand instead of hers when they rushed to his aid.
Finn, Noah, Sam—over Quinn, forever and always.
Rachel loathed that she fell under the same category, and that no one was jealous of her because of Quinn. It was unfair. Finn was jealous of Noah for being her first, for having a baby with her, and of Sam for winning her over with Bieber, of all things. Noah was jealous of Finn and Sam for being with her in any serious capacity whatsoever. Sam was jealous of Noah for the same reason Finn was, and jealous of Finn for being her first love and stealing her out from under him. But nobody was jealous of Rachel.
Rachel didn't hold any corner of Quinn's heart. First boyfriend, first sex, first love. None of it. She wasn't Quinn's first anything. She wasn't Quinn's anything. But she was jealous of everyone else for it.
Jealous of Finn, Noah, Sam. Jealous of Kurt and Mercedes for being close friends with her. Jealous of Santana and Brittany for being her best friends once upon a time. Jealous of Artie, Mike, Tina for getting smiles and praise from her. Rachel was jealous of everyone, and it was exhausting.
But again, she didn't feel it the way the rest of them felt it. Not even the way Quinn did. It didn't make her burn with anger, didn't make her lunge to lay her claim to what she possessed, didn't make her do crazy things like date other people for the sole purpose of getting notice (she only dated to rid herself of loneliness), or worm her way into a friendship and give her 'accidental' poor love advice (how could she even attempt a friendship when Quinn would never look at her?), didn't get into psychotic catfights in the hallways (what good would it do? All three of those boys could crush her under the toe of their boot, and Quinn wouldn't care a lick).
For Rachel, jealousy was crushing. It was a lonely pit. Unlike with her talent, she didn't fight for attention; she didn't scrabble to crawl out of that pit. She didn't bother. First, because what was the point? And second, because if she was good enough, Quinn wouldn't be looking at Finn with a twinkle in her eye. She wouldn't be pressing her hand thoughtfully over her stomach when she glanced at Noah. And she wouldn't be beaming with enjoyment at Sam's shameless display and sneering at Rachel's.
The fact of the matter was, Rachel knew she wasn't good enough for Quinn. She knew she would never have her. It didn't make it hurt less, and it didn't make her heart stop cracking a little each time she caught those moments—moments of affection toward friends, of lust toward romantic interests. If anything, it only made it fracture more. She was a perfectionist, after all, but this wasn't something she could argue her way out of, proofread her way through, practice to death.
She was Rachel Berry, through and through, inside and out, flaws and talents. And Quinn Fabray would never love her. She would never be good enough.
And so jealousy didn't anger her. It crushed her.