"Explain to me again just how you broke your wrist, Scotty."
"Well, you see, Uhura wanted to try something more exotic, an' I wanted to try my hand at dancing, and, well…"
"So you installed a stripper pole in your quarters."
"And you broke your wrist installing it."
"…Don't tell me you broke your wrist trying to swing on that thing."
Scotty's sheepish grin was his only response. Leonard covered his face with one hand and groaned. The things he put up with on this ship…
"Just how in the hell did you manage to get a chunk of skin removed from your upper thigh like that, Ensign? What kind of fencing were you two doing?"
"Well, you see doctor…" The curly-haired russian trailed off, not quite meeting Leonard's gaze.
"Mister Sulu and I were…erm. We were fencing. In his quarters."
"Naked," he stammered out, face turning bright red. He still refused to look Leonard in the eye.
And here I thought Jim was the only idiot on this ship.
"Look, I don't really have to know what you did to break your leg, but it would help me out a little bit to know what caused it, so I can check for other injuries that you wouldn't notice otherwise."
"Fine. I'll tell you. But, uh. This stays between us, right?"
"I took an oath, Ensign. Doctor-Patient confidentiality."
The big man Jim had dubbed Cupcake at the bar the first time they met sighed heavily.
"You see…Gaila and I were sparring, and it turned into a wrestling match, and well…Look, that woman is a hell of a lot stronger than you'd think. She fuckin' pinned me to the ground and when I tried to get out of it, I just heard this loud snap, and she just kind of stopped and said, 'Oops', like she'd dropped a glass or something."
Leonard blinked a few times, sure that Cupcake was pulling his leg. There was no way in hell Gaila was capable of such a feat.
"I could have taken her if I wanted, though," he grumbled, crossing his arms and wincing slightly as Leonard probed at his leg again.
"Sure. Keep telling yourself that."
"Spock! Fancy seeing you here, you pointy-eared bastard. What brings you to the Sickbay, which you normally avoid like the plague?"
"I am ill."
"Well, that narrows it down."
"I believe I have caught a particular strain of cold that is common only amongst alien species."
"Well, lemme check you out then. How do you think you got it? You haven't been planetside in a while, have you?"
"Jim has not requested my presence on the last four away missions, no."
"Then where in the hell could you have gotten it?" Leonard asked as he stuck a thermometer in Spock's mouth. The normally stoic, unexpressive Vulcan's face turned a light shade of green.
"Gaila," he mumbled.
"The engineering officer Gaila Vro."
"Well unless you two were swapping saliva or some shit, I don't quite see how you could have gotten it from her."
"There was a…party in engineering one night," Spock began hesitantly. "The captain coerced me into attending said party, and handed me a coffee drink that was laced with chocolate." His face was turning an even brighter shade of green as he spoke, still firmly holding Leonard's gaze.
"I consumed three point two five of these drinks, and found myself in a haze of intoxication. When I came out of the haze, I found myself entwined with Miss Vro. I believe that is how I caught this cold."
Leonard fought to keep himself from laughing, the idea of Spock drunk and making out with Gaila too much for him.
"I would appreciate it if you treated me and never mentioned this visit ever again."
"Fine by me, Spock. Lemme see what kind of hypos I've got stored away…"
"Booonnneesssss," Jim whined, limping into Sickbay. He was clutching his right hand, and favoring his left leg as he made his way over to the biobed reserved specifically for him.
"What in the hell happened to you this time, Jim?"
"I broke a few bones, Bones," he said, grinning as he gingerly sat down. Leonard's nostrils flared out as he got closer, catching Jim's smell; he reeked of sex.
"And how, praytell, did you break these bones?"
Jim's grin only widened, and he winked at Leonard.
"Spock," he stage whispered, leaning forward.
"How did Spock break your wrist? And sprain your ankle, from the looks of it?"
"Well, you know how we're always fighting and shit? Yeah, turns out that was his way of flirting. We barely made it back to my quarters before-"
"Stop right there. I do not want to hear about sex between you and the pointy-eared bastard."
"It was great, Bones. Best sex I've had in a long time. Possibly ever."
"That's wonderful, Jim. Now give me your wrist."
Once his bones were set and healed, Leonard had Jim lift his shirt, and found his chest and hips covered in hickies and bruises.
Rolling his eyes, he grabbed his dermal regenerator and set to work, healing the marks. He had a feeling he was going to have to give Jim his own personal dermal regenerator, judging by the extent of the bruises on Jim's torso.
And the one time Leonard had an embarrassing injury…
"Leonard, of all the people I expected to have call me to their quarters to help with a pulled muscle, I never expected it to be you."
"Yeah, well, I never expected to have to call you here, Chapel. So if you could just lend me a hand and we can never mention this again, that would be fucking fantastic."
"Tsk tsk. How did you pull your muscle anyhow? You're not that reckless."
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"You know if you don't tell me, I'm going to have to invent some reason or another to tell the other nurses when they ask why you took the day off."
"…I pulled it during seiwhgaila," he muttered the last half of the sentence, words slurring together.
"I'm sorry, but what in the hell did you just say?"
"I pulled it during sex with Gaila. Shut up."
Nurse Chapel's laughter echoed around the room.
"Really now? What'd she have you do? Some crazy acrobatic stunts? Or maybe she tried to get you to put your leg behind your head? Oohhh, or maybe she tied you up in an awkward position?" Chapel wasn't intimidated in the least by Leonard's glare, especially because his face was bright red.
"Look, it's been a long time, and…you know what? No. I'm not sharing this with you. Just make some shit up for the other nurses and doctors. I don't care. I'm not telling you any more."
Crossing his arms and glaring at her, Leonard clamped his mouth shut and refused to answer.
"Fine, fine. But you're all set now. Just stay off of it for a while. I'd rather not have to make a second trip in here," she said, packing her bag up and standing up, walking towards the door.
Shortly before she reached the door, it wooshed open, and in walked Gaila.
"Hey sweetie!" she cooed at Leonard, barely glancing at Chapel as she made her way over to the bed.
"I'll be seeing you again, Leonard."