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The Road So Far…
"That's it. The world's coming to an end. Might as well just drop you off on Lucifer's doorstep, Sammy boy," Balthazar said. "I'm going to get some scotch." Then he disappeared.
"I assure you, I'm not here to take you as a vessel," Lucifer said.
"I'm sure Michael will be angered by my decision not to fight," Lucifer said. "But when have I ever done anything that Michael approves of?"
"Cas, your feathery ass can come and get me now!" Dean shouted.
"What?" Anna sputtered. "Dean, you didn't choose him! He forced you into the bond you have-"
"Yeah, and when have I ever known what I want?" Dean snapped. "Look, all I know is if nothing else, he's at least family. Now go back to Heaven or outer space and just leave us the hell alone."
"I just wanted to see my brother," Lucifer said.
"Shall we go somewhere else and talk about this?" Michael asked, inclining his head. "We seem to have gathered quite the audience."
"Michael, you-" Zachariah tried to protest but with a wave of both Michael and Lucifer's hands, he was simultaneously thrown against the wall and gagged. The brothers looked at each other with interest.
"Was it necessary to throw him into the wall?" Michael asked.
"Was it necessary to sew his mouth shut?" Lucifer countered, because Michael's version of gagging Zachariah turned out to be with actual stitches. Anna backed up, hesitantly, looking extremely wary. She had the right to, Sam thought suddenly. Some sadistic side of him decided that Anna deserved to wear the look she had on at the moment. "Don't think of running," Lucifer added when he saw Anna back up, seemingly on the same page as Sam.
"Brother, there is no need for needless intimidation," Michael said. "But I do believe I ordered for the Winchesters to be left alone?" Anna swallowed.
"Disobeyed my orders? Used your powers after willingly falling from grace?" Michael asked. Anna stared at Michael before steeling herself up but she turned to face Dean.
"We met once before, do you remember?" Anna asked.
"What're you talking about?" Dean frowned. "I think I would've known if I met a friggin' angel of the lord."
"Ex-angel at the time," Anna corrected. "I suppose you wouldn't remember. We were in our teens at the time; this was probably the last school you attended before you dropped out of high school."
"Why are you telling me this?" Dean frowned.
"I'm trying to explain my actions, Dean," Anna sighed patiently. She raised two fingers and before anyone could stop her, she pressed her fingers to Dean's forehead.
There was a girl lying on the end of the stairs, books scattered, and gripping her ankle. Dean paused, watching to see if she would get up and when she didn't, he walked over to her, gathering her books that were out of her reach and handed them to her.
"Are you okay?" Dean asked.
"I'm fine," she said defensively.
"Need some help?" Dean asked.
"No," Dean stared at her before standing up.
"Stand up," Dean ordered. The red head looked up at him incredulously.
"Excuse me?" she asked.
"If you're fine, stand up," Dean said. She glared at him before grabbing onto the stair banister and raising herself up. She gave him a haughty look, hoping he didn't notice the way she was shaking and trying to hide the pain. Dean raised an eyebrow.
"Let go," he said. She didn't answer and he had his answer then. "Alright." He swept her off her feet and he let out a squeak.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"Taking you to the nurse's office. Where is it anyway?" Dean asked.
"That way," she glared, pointing the in the opposite direction in which Dean was traveling.
"Huh. I'm Dean," he said. She hesitated before offering her name.
"Anna," she offered.
"You were at my old school. I took you to the nurse's office, so what?" Dean frowned.
"I was teased mercilessly. I started hearing voices, and I let the people who I thought were my friends know," Anna said. "Of course, those voices were actually my voices… I guess I had some essence of heaven left in me. Anyways, that was at the peak of my torment. I was alienated from everyone. Just when I thought to give up, someone offered me a candle on a cold winter night."
"Who?" Dean frowned.
"You," Sam snapped. Anna smiled and nodded and then turned to Michael.
"He knows. I'm ready for my punishment now," Anna said.
"I'm going to revoke your powers once again, Anna, and this time they won't return to you but you'll live normally, without the fear or being tormented anymore," Michael said. He raised his two fingers but fear struck Anna and she stepped backwards.
"What about my memories?" she asked. Michael's eyes softened.
"I'm sorry," Michael said. A single tear slid down Anna's face and Michael pressed his fingers against her forehead. She closed her eyes and then slumped forward into Michael's arms. Castiel head Dean back.
"Was that really necessary?" Sam asked.
"She disobeyed Michael's orders, Sam," Lucifer said.
"Hi pot, meet kettle," Sam snapped.
"She fell on her own accord, Sam," Lucifer said. "We allowed her to do that. She wanted to remember this time. Not remembering will be her punishment."
"Then what about him?" Sam nodded about Zachariah. A cruel smirk placed itself over Lucifer's face.
"Don't worry about him, Sam," Michael said. "He will be dealt with accordingly. Brother, shall we go?" Lucifer nodded and took a step towards his brother but Sam grabbed onto his wrist. Everyone in the room tensed. Lucifer turned towards Sam and regarded him carefully, curiosity with a hint of darkness filling his eyes.
"Sam?" Lucifer asked. "No one's dared to touch me in such a manner since… actually, I can't remember the last time someone dared to."
"The Earth was but a year old," Michael said but he was ignored.
"You're… coming back, right?" Sam asked.
"Sam-" Dean growled but Castiel's put his hand on Dean's shoulder, shaking his head.
"No, Sam's soul recognizes Lucifer, not as your soul recognizes mine but recognition nonetheless. Separating them would only bring Sam hurt," Castiel said.
"Don't look so worried, Dean," Lucifer said cheekily. "I would never hurt Sam. I'll be back." Michael, Lucifer, along with Zachariah and Anna disappeared, leaving Castiel, Dean, Sam, and Gabriel in the room.
"So can I say, 'it's over' or is that jinxing it?" Sam asked.
"Depending on what Lucifer has to say to Michael, it just might be," Gabriel said, almost a little grimly. A loud explosion made them turn around, revealing Balthazar.
"Where the hell have you been?" Sam demanded.
"I got the scotch," Balthazar announced, holding the bottle and glasses in his hand. "Who wants to celebrate?" Dean looked between himself and Gabriel and raised his hand.
"Aw, what the hell. We deserve some," Dean said. "Don't know if we're celebrating but we deserve some damn scotch."
"You wanted to talk, not fight," Michael commented.
"Maybe I've grown up," Lucifer suggested idly. "Or maybe I've just grown tired of this fight. It did last longer than most normal human siblings' arguing."
"We had more time than most normal human siblings," Michael said. "So… this, this temper tantrum of yours is over? You're ready to come out of your room?" Lucifer fixed him with a glare. "Too soon for jokes?"
"That just wasn't funny," Lucifer said.
"Oh come on, it was a little funny," Michael said.
"I believe our vessels are having more influence on us then we did on them," Lucifer said dryly. Michael inhaled and looked over at Anna and Zachariah, both unconscious.
"What are we doing with Zachariah?" Michael asked.
"He did loathe nothing more than blue collar working," Lucifer drawled. "Bottom of the heap…"
"You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting are you?" Michael asked with a raised eyebrow.
"You made him a cupid?" Dean demanded with a laugh, batting Castiel's hands away as he tried to clean the beer Dean had spit out off of the oldest Winchester.
"With Balthazar as his superior," Lucifer hummed.
"Zachariah always did hate grunt work," Castiel murmured. "It seems rather fitting… if not ironic." Sam glanced at Lucifer through the corner of his eye. Dean rolled his eyes and patted Castiel on the back, standing up.
"Come on, Cas. I'm gonna teach you how to fix the Impala," Dean announced, walking out of Bobby's living room. Castiel followed like an obedient puppy.
"Dean, three days ago you wouldn't let me near the Impala with a cup of coffee," Castiel raised an eyebrow.
"That's like Dean's way of proposing," Sam said. Lucifer smiled and then raised an eyebrow when Sam gave him a funny look. "Sorry, I'm just used to someone saying, 'we are already married through our souls.'" Lucifer chuckled.
"Your impression of him is very good," Lucifer said. "You're avoiding something, Sam. Every time I come here, you ask about Heaven. You ask about Michael. You ask about Anna- who is thriving now that there are no voices in her head now. You don't ask what you really meant to ask."
"Lucifer… why do I feel so connected to you?" Sam asked. "Dean can hardly stand to be around Michael."
"You and Dean are two different people with two very different personalities and two different experiences with the one whose vessel you were supposed to become. Our souls connected based on our past experiences, I'm guessing. But that's not what you're avoiding," Lucifer said. Sam sat quietly for a moment.
"This connection will never really fade but it will ease up. The reason it hasn't eased up yet is because you're using it as a crutch," Lucifer said. "And as Bobby would say- ya idjit." Sam stared at Lucifer.
"You've been spending too much time around us- alright, alright, I get it!" Sam said, standing up and stalking outside.
"Hey, Sammy. He's not half bad!" Dean called. "Sam?" Sam stalked past his brother and climbed onto the car tower that Bobby's junk pile created.
"Gabriel, you better be listening, do you hear me? Start courting me, you stupid archangel!" Sam shouted. He turned to Lucifer who had gone to stand on the porch next to the chair Bobby was sitting in. Dean stood gaping at his brother and Castiel fought to hide the smile that was threatening to appear on his lips when Dean turned to him, demanding if he knew what was going on.
"Think he heard me?" Sam asked with a slightly worried smile on his face. The cars under Sam's feet began shaking and Sam let out a worried noise before shouting out as the cars turned into roses and Sam fell a few feet before his fall was cushioned by roses.
"I think it's safe to say he heard you," Lucifer shook his head with a smile.
"Idjits," Bobby huffed fondly as Dean and Sam started arguing in their brotherly way, throwing handfuls of flowers at each other and wrestling in the roses. "Cas, you wanna go and break that up?" Castiel pushed himself off of the Impala and walked calmly over to the brothers, grabbing Dean by the collar and pulling him off of his brother and into his arms. He grabbed Dean's chin and pulled Dean into a passionate kiss.
"Cas?" Dean asked.
"I can't let Gabriel outdo me now, can I?" Castiel raised an eyebrow.
"You came," Castiel said.
"You thought I wouldn't?" Dean asked. He took the time to examine Castiel. Dean hated to admit it, but the man was damn attractive, even in the tax accountant clothes. He saw the corner of Castiel's mouth lift upwards into a small smile. Dean frowned, wondering what there was to smile about.
"No, I didn't," Castiel said and that made Dean stop.
"Then what the hell are you?" Dean asked.
"I can't tell you that now," Castiel said.
"Why the hell not?" Dean spat.
"I have my orders," Castiel said calmly. That calm demeanor was seriously beginning to piss Dean off and he hadn't been in the room with the guy for ten minutes.
"What orders?" Dean asked.
"I can't tell you," Castiel said. Castiel's face was blank- the perfect poker face, Dean noted. "I'm in the military. It's a matter of national security."
"What the hell are you doing here? Do you get your freak on by watching people sleep?" Dean demanded, jerking away from Castiel.
"Hello, Dean," Castiel said. "I thought you might need me."
"What the hell for?" Dean snapped. Castiel shifted uncomfortably.
"You were getting aroused in your sleep,"
The door opened slightly but Castiel glared at it, raising his hand up again. Dean heard the door slam and he turned to look at it and then glared at Castiel.
"What the hell, Cass?" Dean demanded.
"I want to have sexual relations with you," Castiel blinked.
"What have you done now, Castiel?"
"Hello, Uriel," Castiel said, turning around half way to greet the newcomer, releasing Dean in the process.
"I'll ask you again, Castiel; what the hell have you done?" Uriel demanded. "You know if you get married you're supposed to invite the whole family! It's common courtesy! Have you been listening to Gabriel again? You promised I could be the best man!"
"Damn it, boy! I told you to keep your shags away from the house! Idjit," Bobby spat.
"I am not a type of carpet," Castiel frowned, looking offended.
There was no easing into it, no flowers or whispered words of comfort before easing into the sentence (although Castiel had been in his room). There was no getting around it.
They were going to have a pillow fight.
"You should go to sleep. You've had a long day." Castiel literally swept Dean off of his feet and if Dean hadn't realize how tired he was when Castiel picked him up, he would have protested more than he had.
"Not a girl," Dean muttered.
"Actually, you could have been. You're a true hermaphrodite but your parents chose for you to be a boy," Castiel said.
"You don't even know him and you want to have sex with him! Not that he doesn't usually do that kind of thing, but you want him to commit! You can't just come waltzing in here-" Sam growled.
"I did not waltz," Castiel frowned. "I did the salsa."
"Castiel, why are you putting up with these mud monkeys?" Uriel asked. "You claimed him as yours- despite the rest of our better judgments. Just take him. He's yours."
"Dean does not-" Sam argued and Uriel's eyes trained on him.
"We're not talking about Dean. We're talking about our dog. Luke. My brothers and I are fighting over custody of him."
"And you chose a human over Balthazar's memory… what would he have to say about that?" Michael asked.
"Bite me," Castiel decided.
"Excuse me?" Michael asked, not quite sure he had heard correctly.
"Bite me," Castiel repeated.
"You want me… to bite you?"
"I hear it is pleasing,"
"Hello, Anna," the newcomer- Zachariah- smiled pleasantly. "Are you trying to ruin Castiel's shotgun marriage too?"
"Your grace is leaking out, Castiel. It's not hard to find you," Zachariah said. "You should really encourage your… human whore to say yes-"
"It was one time!" Dean groaned. "And I only did it so Sam could have money for college! One time and you're labeled a whore for life!"
Castiel gave him a small smile glancing at the sky, "I should take you home."
"You couldn't have done that earlier?" Dean asked. "Cass?" Castiel frowned and looked up at the sky, eyes squinting as the sun shined in his eyes. He didn't answer Dean, instead holding his hand out for Dean to take. Dean gave Castiel a look, one that clearly stated that he wasn't going to take Castiel's hand like he was his prom date. Realizing Dean wasn't going to be giving his hand any time soon, he raised to fingers to Dean's forehead.
Dean heard a loud crash and then felt himself falling. When he looked up, he was on top of Castiel, who was on top of wood and roof shingles.
"Why are there two holes in the ceiling?" Dean asked.
"Hey, did you know you're an uncle?" Gabriel asked.
"I give your kids Christmas presents every year," Michael rolled his eyes. "I'd give them birthday presents too except I don't know when they are."
"Oh. Well, neither do I," Gabriel said. "Are you coming over for Thanksgiving this year?"
"I wouldn't miss it,"
"He is not my boyfriend!" Dean snapped. "I'm not a fucking girl!"
"Yes, you are! Dad didn't tell you, you're a hermaphrodite! That's why you have mood swings all the time! Yeah, that's right, I said it!" Sam said.
"You're lying," Dean said.
"I swear on Mom's grave I'm not," Sam said solemnly.
"And we're back, with our contestant, Castiel!" Gabriel announced to the audience. "On top of Sam, who's conveniently knocked out, he's going to get a bonus prize behind door number one or door number two! What will you choose? Door number one or door number two?" Gabriel asked. Castiel closed his eyes, trying to sense the energy behind the doors.
"Door number one," Castiel said confidently.
"Are you sure?" Gabriel asked.
"Alright then- let's reveal what's behind door number one!" Gabriel said. The door opened to reveal Balthazar.
"Balthazar," Castiel blinked.
"Hello, brother, it's good to see you," Balthazar smiled, invading Castiel's personal space and hugging him tightly. Castiel turned to Sam, who was now awake.
"This is where I get my lack of personal space issue from," he said and then turned back to Balthazar. "You're not Dean."
"Gabriel, I want to trade prizes,"
"You- but you died," Castiel said, staring at Balthazar. "I celebrated your death!"
"You… you made me break my promise to him," Castiel choked.
"What promise?" Gabriel asked.
"I told him I'd blow him when he woke up," Castiel said.
"I didn't need to know that,"
"You are not marrying Gabriel!" Dean said.
"No, I'm not- don't tell me who I can and can't marry, Dean!" Sam said.
"I don't think that's the point here, Sam," Bobby said.
"Excuse me, but I'd like to interrupt here," a new, slightly accented voice piped up.
"Balthazar," Castiel said. "What are you doing here?"
"I want to marry Sam!" Balthazar huffed.
"Dean left- er, he is gone, right?"
"Yes, Dean is gone," Castiel said.
"Yes, well, I have something that might help you," Balthazar said.
"Oh?" Castiel raised an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"
"Okay, PMS much?" Sam asked, looking at Castiel and mouthing, "is he pregnant?"
"We wanted you to be the first to know," Castiel said. "Yes, Dean is pregnant. We have sonogram pictures." Sam stared at them and then fainted.
"I think he took that rather well," Dean said. "I'm hungry. I want steak and coffee."
"The doctor gave you a list of healthy food for you and the baby. None of the items on the menu are good for you or the baby," Castiel said. "We will go somewhere else."
"And I taught you what you know, Gabriel. Now tell me, brothers, what's been happening with my brothers since I've been banished from Heaven?" The voice caused the ground to shake, much harder than when Gabriel had spoken earlier.
"That's not…" Raphael said.
"It couldn't be…" Gabriel paled.
"Why are you in a Pomeranian dog vessel, Lucifer?" Raphael asked.
"He's so cute!" Gabriel grinned. "Let's put a bow on him!"
"No, put me down! Now! I'll bite you!"
And that's the end of the gag reel, the epilogue, the chapter, and the story. Thank you everyone who stuck with the story until the end!